Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help me get my lost love back

Clingy coworker, clinging woman, desperate woman
Asalamu alikum,

Sisters, as i am new to this site, but when i read all the comments i found that i would be comfortable in telling ma problem which am going through, and i badly need help from u sisters. plz help to solve this issue.

this is naaz here i was in relationship with a guy since last 4 years. we both loved each other alot. in ma family ma all cousins knows about us, but he never introduced me any of his family members. starting one years we were very happy, going around spending time, but we dint do anything haram.

One day his friend told me about him that he is going around with other girls, and he is not a good guy he is always back of girls, he even drinks, i was really shocked from then i started doubting. later he convinced me a lot that he dont do anything as such.

Once I saw one female photo on his wall paper i asked him who is she he said his cousin, once i saw his facebook, ya allaha i gotta know that he is cheating me, i cried alot he mentioned other girl name as his girl, we had huge fight after that.

Again he convinced me alot telling its his friend chatting with that girls, from then i had doubt we were normal, and on and on fight he used swear and tell that he loves me, when my friends ask about marriage, he used to tell within a year he will tell his parents about our relationship.

He used to treat me like a princess, and he always listened to me only again i saw his chats in facebook were he is telling his friends that he is single and looking for a girl, again we fought we were not in contact for 1 month, later he came near ma office called ma friends and convinced me.

Even i thought that may be he really loves me so after all fights he will come to me only, from 1 year not a single day left were i dint cry for all his behaviour, my friends used to tell see he flirts with every one but he loves you, again 3 months was everything was normal.

One day he came near my office and said he wants to break this relationship seriously as its not working, I cried in front of him and begged a lot but still i dint listened, he didn't pick ma calls nor replied to ma msg's also. Later I thought wat his friends and wath chats i saw was true only he was fooling till he gets some other girl.

I praying and prayed allaha alot, 5 times namaz and tahjud, am doing many things to get him back again, later last April was ma birthday I had hope that he will come back, as from last 4 years i celebrate ma birthday with him only, he called me one day before that too when ma friend had called him and convinced him to call me, as I am missing him and crying, he just wished me thats it, later i kept on msging he dint bother to reply.

And now its been 5 months he never turned back, am doing nafil roza, praying and hoping that he should leave all his bad habits and he should come back.

So my dear sisters please me some dua were i can pray and to get him back and most important is he should leave his bad habits keeping interest in other girls. Am suffering with a very bad pain, I only love him and I cant leave out him. I was reciting wazifa also. i need your dua and suggestion please help me.

please dua karo
allaha haffiz (waiting for your valuable reply) ramzan mubarak to all my sisters

- 4Naaz

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19 Responses »

  1. Sorry sis but it sounds like you wasted 4? years of your life with this guy. Please try and become independent, because women in your delicate emotional situation shouldn't enter another relationship until you no longer need to be in a relationship at all. It's the only way to truely start fresh. Good luck.

  2. As Salamu Alaikum,

    sister, I will suggest you make dua to change YOUR thinking.Based on what you shared with us, I just do not see any quality in this guy. He is into other girls, he drinks, and he left you. It does not make any sense to want this guy back in your life. Why would you? YOU DESERVE BETTER!

    The sooner you realize that him leaving you is a blessing the better you will feel. I am sorry, but you are a hostage of your own emotions. He is who he is, you cannot change him. Change needs to come from him. The fact, this guy belongs to the past. You have to overcome your state of denial and move on.

    Please, make dua to ALLAH to heal your heart and forget about this guy.

    May Allah heal your heart and help you see the truth.


  3. I think you wasted 4 years of your life with this guy like the above post said, move on pray to Allah insallah you will find someone so much better then him. And why would you even love a guy that talks to other girls and drink? Even if you marry him he will do the same thing so don't waste ur time insallah Allah will help you get threw this.

  4. as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb. ukhti..

    I strongly suggest that you leave that guy in terms of disconnecting yourself fully & move on! He seems to be someone who tunes in to your life when he's bored & zaps back out of your life when he's had enough entertainment.. only YOU along can put a stop to that..

    Show him that you can move on with your life & don't let him manipulate your feelings.. he knows he's your weakness (as you begged for him not to leave you).. take control of your emotions don't let them control you!

    I believe everything happens for the best..

    It definitely must be painful! I can only Imagine.. but keep your head held high & strong & *Insha' Allah* by the grace of Allah *swt* you'll get through this difficult time.. don't lose hope! & Just don't give in!

  5. “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)

    Brothers and sisters, each of us must accept that we can only change ourselves. That is the key to changing our situations in life. We can’t control anyone else’s feelings or actions. We cannot make anyone love us, treat us better, respect us even when we deserve it, accept us even when we are right, befriend us even when we are sweet, or believe in us even when we’re true.

    Dua’ is not a magic spell that allows you to control other human beings.

    Neither will Allah coerce anyone to love us or accept us. Of course He can – He has power over all things – but it is not His way. Allah created us with free will, the ability to choose our own paths in life, and He does not take that away by controlling our emotions or compelling us down predetermined roads. Yes, everything is written, but that does not mean it’s forced, only that the outcome is known to Allah in advance.

    I am thinking specifically of people who imagine that there is some special dua’ (prayer) they can say to make someone love them, or stop abusing them and treat them kindly instead. There is not, to my knowledge, and Allah knows best. And the same principle extends to all human interactions: dua’ is not a charm or potion that you can use to control others.

    This is true even in very important matters such as guiding people to the truth and bringing them to the worship of Allah. We can certainly pray for Allah to guide someone, but we must understand that Allah’s guidance consists of showing clear signs, no more. It’s up to the individual to make the choice to believe or not. Allah does not force the outcome.

    “And if there was any Quran by which the mountains would be removed or the earth would be broken apart or the dead would be made to speak, [it would be this Quran], but to Allah belongs the affair entirely. Then have those who believed not accepted that had Allah willed, He would have guided the people, all of them?” (Quran 13:31)

    In other words Allah could certainly force everyone into submission if He willed, or He could manifest miraculous and powerful signs – such as the earth splitting or the dead speaking – that would compel all human beings to submit in fear and awe, as He said:

    “If We willed We could send down a sign from heaven to them, and then their necks would be lowered to it in subjection.” (Quran 26:4).

    For that matter, Allah could have created us all in subjugation from the start. He chose not to.

    If Allah chose to leave such critical issues within the realm of our free will – vital issues such as acknowledging the truth of Allah’s power, worshiping Him or serving false gods, following the Prophets or rejecting them (and some even killed their Prophets!) – if He chose to leave these all-important issues within the realm of our agency, and under the dominion of our discretion, do you think He is going to violate the principle of free will in order to force your boyfriend or girlfriend to love you and come back to you?

    I’m sorry, but this is what it seems to come down to for some people. They actually speak of committing suicide if the boyfriend/girlfriend does not return (ignoring the fact that this relationship is Islamically unlawful in the first place), then they want a dua’ that will force the object of their desire to fall in love, as if dua’ is some kind of magic powder from a fairy tale.

    Nor is dua’ going to force your husband to stop abusing you and become kind and loving. Nor will it change occupiers into happy campers so that they quit their occupation, or turn tyrants into hippies who will wear flowers in their hair and open the political prisons. I’m not belittling these oppressive situations – they have haunted me for most of my life, and I consider myself a human rights activist. And I’m not saying that dua’ is not effective against oppression – actually the Prophet (pbuh) has told us that the dua’ of the oppressed is one of those categories of dua’ that is guaranteed a response.

    Narrated Abu Ma’bad, that the Prophet said, “… and be afraid of the curse of an oppressed person because there is no screen between his invocation and Allah.” Sahih Bukhari: Volume 2, Book 24, Number 573.

    But the response is not going to be forcing someone else to change heart, or become loving, kind or peaceful. That is an artificial expectation and it doesn’t work that way.

    What, then? Is it all hopeless? No, far from it! The hope does not lie in changing someone else, it lies in changing yourself. That’s the whole point. Your free will and power do not extend over others, but they do encompass yourself. When you make a sincere choice to change your own life, when you purge yourself of blind desire, bitterness, self-pity, addiction and sin, when you work at it like your life depends on it, and when you make sincere and pure dua’ to Allah, then Allah’s help comes. New doors open, maybe not the solutions that you thought you wanted, but something better.

    “And those who struggle in Our cause, We shall certainly guide them to our paths. For verily Allah is with those who do right.” (Quran 29:69)

    A steep road, but not an impossible one

    Sometimes there’s serious internal work that must be done before we can change. I’ve said that we cannot control others, we can only control our own choices, but some of us are out of control. We keep making the wrong choices over and over again, and we don’t know why, so we seek to blame our situations on others, and we imagine that they are the ones who need to change, not us.

    How did we get to be this way? It usually traces back to the way we were raised. Parents are supposed to be loving and supportive, and most of them are, Alhamdulillah. But there are many rotten parents out there as well, dysfunctional people who turn their homes into environments of confusion and suffering. These parents might be alcohol or drug addicts, violent towards spouses and children, or verbally demeaning.

    I remember one family I knew well when I was young. The parents were Muslim converts, and they had five children. The mother was German, and the father Arab. They used to scream at each other daily, in front of the children. The mother would shout, “Arab savage!” And the father would shout back, “German barbarian!” The father would sometimes strike the mother or throw things. I remember one time when he picked up a vacuum cleaner and held it over his head like a war club, shouting. It sounds comical, but the effect on the children was not so funny. Both parents often yelled at the children and insulted them. The children were under nourished, partly because the family was always short of money (the father never held a steady job), and partly because the environment was so chaotic that mealtimes were neglected. In their teens, the two eldest children had not learned to read and write.

    This family was active in the masjid, their friends were all Muslim, they attended Muslim youth camps in summer… an outsider would never guess at the insanity that existed inside the home.

    Those children are all adults now. One married a non-Muslim abuser who beat her while she was pregnant. She became an alcoholic and drug user before she finally returned to Islam many years later. One left Islam and became a Christian. One is chronically ill and has never married. He’s bitter and expresses many racist ideas toward Arabs in particular. One married an Algerian man who beats her badly enough to put her in the hospital, yet she refuses to leave him. Only the eldest has what you would consider a healthy and normal Muslim family, though he expresses an unexplainable sense of deep sadness that has persisted inside him for years. The parents themselves have been divorced for many years, and each lives alone in their home countries.

    Parents like these can do a number on you for life. They can knuckle your self-esteem into the ground, crush your sense of self-worth, and give you a skewed picture of what a family is supposed to be. If you grew up in such a home then you may have been thoroughly indoctrinated into believing that all the abuse heaped on you is your own darn fault.

    As a result some of us have uncontrollable tempers, or a lack of will to resist abuse, or a lack of faith in our own talents and dreams. And so the cycle of broken spirits and bad parenting is perpetuated into another generation.

    If any of that sounds like you, then you have a steep road to climb, but not an impossible one. You must find a way to break out of the ruinous mold that you’ve been forced into and emerge a new human being, light and free, or at least on your way to becoming free. It’s not an easy process, in fact it can be enormously difficult because it requires self-candor. It’s hard to look at ourselves honestly, with none of the self-deception that we employ like crutches, and say, “I’m messed up inside. Regardless of how I got to be this way, I’m an adult now and I’m responsible for my own actions. I can’t keep blaming my problems on others, or on external circumstances. If I want a better life, I have to start by changing myself.”

    That’s very hard. It requires prayer, dua’, study and introspection, and maybe therapy as well. It’s rigorous work, and it’s important, and it takes time. But it can be done.

    The same is true for failed relationships, by the way. People say, “My husband/wife betrayed me and broke my heart. Now I can never trust anyone again.”

    No. I’m very sorry that someone hurt you, but you must recognize that the choice not to trust anyone in the future is exactly that, a choice. Of course there’s going to be a period of mourning after a failed relationship, but if you let it affect you forever then that is something you are doing to yourself, not something the other person did to you. There comes a point when you must take responsibility for your own choices and acknowledge your own power. You can choose to love again, to trust again, to be happy again. It’s not necessarily easy, in fact it can be quite frightening, but it is certainly possible. And if you choose loneliness over the risk of being hurt again, then admit that it is your own choice, not some tragic doom that has been forced upon you.

    You can make better choices, by Allah’s will.

    You can make better choices, or at least different ones. You can wake up in the morning and be a better human being than you were yesterday. You can strengthen your relationship with Allah, pray at night, purify your spirit, exercise your body, eat your veggies and healthy proteins, study and work hard, love your family like a steady summer breeze, treat people with compassion, help someone who is suffering, speak the truth even when it’s not easy, and be a living example of taqwa.

    And yes, have fun too, and pursue your dreams. Look within yourself to find your own God-given gifts, your own special treasure chest, and develop them. Bring something meaningful into the world. Be crazy if you have to – good crazy, not bad crazy. A shot of good craziness is sometimes exactly what the world needs.

    If you make these changes sincerely, expecting nothing, doing it all to please Allah and to be the best you that you can possibly be, you’ll find the world changing around you in response. And yes, dua’ is an important part of this process, for dua’ is the essence of worship. But you won’t need to plead with Allah to make someone else do something, or be something, or feel something. Your dua’s will focus on other things, healthy things that have to do with your relationship with Allah, your struggle in His path, your destination in the aakhirah, relieving hardship in your life, helping your family and supporting the Ummah and all who are oppressed and in need.

    You will have moved to a place of positively charged energy, a place of health and vitality, and you’ll find

    that what you need in life will come to you like a cat to catnip.

    By Wael Abdelgawad taken from:

  6. Salaam sister,

    Your manner of thinking needs to change urgently sister.
    Let's take a look at the post:
    "And now its been 5 months he never turned back, am doing nafil roza, praying and hoping that he should leave all his bad habits and he should come back."

    Are you doing all this extra worship to please Allah or get your ex boyfriend back? Honestly. From your post it seems you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

    Look I know it's hard and you love this guy, even though he was a total jerk to you and your relationship was haraam it doesn't mean you dont have feelings for him. You do. I understand that - but the thinking needs to change sister. You have to realise there is no such concept of wazifas in the Qur'an and dua is not a machine - we are not putting our request to Allah (swt) and expecting a response.

    Nouman Ali Khan said something really good about what people expect from Allah. We treat Allah swt like we are His customers, SubhanAllah. It is not sister where you order something and expect to receive it within a certain time etc.

    Allah (swt) is the Lord of the Worlds, He is the Most High - He loves His creation and cares for them. And He wants the best for them. He loves us more than 70 mothers. So think about it - if you have a child in your care that is very sick and they dont want to take medicine they need because it is disgusting would you say, OK - thats fine, don't take it.

    You wouldn't - because even though it tastes disgusting you know it is the best thing for them.

    The child might not know because there are many different things going on that the child doesn't see. (The child doesnt realise he is ill and he needs the medicine.

    It is the same with us - Allah doesn't give us what we want when we want how we want. He gives us what He knows is best for us. Sometimes we see His wisdom, other times we don't but we need to trust in Him because we cannot see what He sees. We are like the helpless child that doesn't understand.

    So stop making dua and wazifas to get this guy back. Change your whole outlook and ask Allah to help you get close to Him. Pray to Allah for no other reason than to please Him.

    And accept that this guy is not going to come back. It will be hard and youwill miss him, but after some time you will stop loving him so much and move on InshaAllah. Turn to Allah and make tawbah for being in a pre-marital relationship (be awarethat it is haraam even if there is no touching involved) and turn to Allah. Keep yourself very busy and ask Allah to help you.

    Do stop making dua for this guy - if you absolutely need to then ask Allah to give you the best spouse.

    In time when your heart has healed you will understand that Allah saved you. This guy was not a good guy sister, he lied to you, he cheated on you and this behaviour is something he could have changed and would have if he was a genuine nice guy. But he didn't and you do deserve better.

    Also Allah saved you from a haram relationship and falling into sin - Alhumdulilah! Some people sister get into such a relationship and die before they can repent. Allah saved you MashaAllah so be grateful.
    May Allah swt help you move and give you strong eman, a happy life with a puious spouse
    Sara Editor

  7. I thiNK you shoud be thanking Allah for NOT answering your prayers. Y would u want a cheater?
    Sister, i think u need to change ur dua and instead ask Allah for u to find someone who will love, treat and respect you the way u deserve.

  8. walikum salam,

    Am happy to know this answers from all my dear sisters, ya its very difficult to come out of this, what u told was right, i know its hurting me but its fact. let allaha give me patience, now ill pray for my better future.
    i would like to thanks all of you for your support.

    allaha aap ki har jayaz zaroorath pori karey (ameen)

  9. Dear brothers and sisters . I need ur kind suggestions . plz help me . Im from muslim family and only son of my parents and have three sisters . before 4 months ago I married my wife . she was before married and has 21 years daughter . we were in love madly . she lives in America . I married her not to go to America . we met internet . she first offered me to be in love and told me that her husband doesnt love her like this etc . i asked her u have husband wife relation and she replied me no . Anyway before 4 monts she came back in bangladesh and divorced her husband and married me . but her parents didnt accept our marriage and many way the washed her mind and now two month she left me . this two months she was with her parents and always used to call me and send me text that she loves me too much and im her loving husband . I also cant think except her . i treat her like my princes . when she had pain i used to massage her . i always cook for her and feed with my own hand . even i used to bring water in my room for her . i comb and oil her hair and put loation. i loved her like this . she promised me that she will come back soon and will continue calling me . now one week but she didnt call me even when she went airport she didnt answer my call . when she was with her parents I gave her always too much money . now i cant eat , sleep, im getting so slime. now she is stayin with her ex and daughter but she promised me that she will sleep in different room but i dont believe her now coz she told me so many lies . i alway pray for her , even i made fast for her so that she come back but nothing . i really really miss her too much . plz brother and sister suggest me what i can do now .

  10. Dear Seema,

    We cannot force something to happen. The best thing we can do as humans, as dignified individuals, as servants of Allah, is to understand that Allah is The One who Plans; then who are we to plan? Do the best deeds you can, take the best steps you can towards your 'halaal' goal and then leave the rest to Allah. If you have become attached to this man over seven years, ask yourself why? Was it because you broke the limits set by Allah? If yes, then some pain and grief will be inevitable.

    Stop. Contemplate. Obedience to Allah is your goal. Leave what is 'wrong' and let 'right' come into your life. Don't keep trying to control the waves of your life. Let Allah take over and see where it takes you.

    If you have any further questions or wish to receive further advice, please log in and submit your post separately. Any further questions submitted on this post will be deleted.

    SisterZ Editor

  11. ASAK Naaz,

    I am going through the same in life too. The guy i was in love with loved me too but he left me all of a sudden n til date i have no idea why he left me. I tried calling, msgin him but he never responded. I love him so much n not able to 4get him at all no matter how hard i pray. Plz pray 4 me that he should come back in my life.

    • Ayesha,

      I am sorry but he is not coming back. If he did not give you the courtesy of even informing you of his departure from your life, it means he never loved you and does not love you.

      You will have to learn how to forget him. Delete his contact details from your phone. Occupy your mind and life with other things, and your loss will become easier to bear.

      Good luck!

  12. Aoa

    I too am facing the same as many here. I was in love with someone and it sort of just happened. He was in a very bad situation initially. I and my family gave and helped his without any forced commitment only with what was sort of stated as a promised commitment. In the interim I lost my self in him and his issues. I neglected myself gaining weight and not concentrating on my family, career, and studies. My family was distraught at my own neglect of myself without any committment. I then lost my parents due to this worry literally. My parents out of suspicion that he would take everything from me and leave when things got better left me my inheritance in a trust. He didn't support me through my hardship as I did not only support him and his family but tried to rectify what they stated was wronged upon them. I compromised myself in ways(Thank God not physically) based upon his word. He knew how uncomfortable it made me but assured me we would be together. In the end he left and stated he never cared. He is now engaged to a girl much younger who wears hijab but is sadly clearly a hypocrite. I don't like to judge but it's so obvious. I am so devastated by all this because I hurt my family and friends. Everyone aided him based on my word and he knew of their and my apprehensions and still took advantage of the situation. I can take back what I did which is painful because I was so sincere, loyal, and respectful to him. What I did for him was done with a contingency of being honest and not to be used? It was time consuming and took from my life and now to take it back is also painful. It would most likely destroy his future that he based on our reputation. But as my father had stated to me "People rarely respect that of which is given to them easily." I wish I had listened to my family but his pain was hard for me to bare. But he left me in worse condition and didn't look back. When it was time to finally reap the fruit of labor he started with another. Had I know he wanted a hypocrite or that type of person I would never have been with him to begin with. I pray that God brings him back but as I saw or thought of him. I sacrificed too much and it hurts like heck that he is with another and I am no one. I was his world as he stated often times but now I question to what extent. If any one has any duas or suggestions I would appreciate it. Really trying to bare the pain. I thought he would come back on his own and realize but doesn't seem likely in the last 3 years. He has maligned my reputation also literally on falsehoods which I do not understand as well. I know this sounds machistic almost but I still cannot believe this is who he is. Also the thought of him being more for someone who is clearly less literally kills me.

    I loved him for 3 reasons:
    1. I thought he was a man of character; who would do right even in the hardest of circumstances.-Clearly not the case.
    2. He was/is so adamanant of prayer. -Friends states this is only a habit to him.
    3. He stated he is a virgin. -Unsure of this now.

    Thank you.

    Allah hafiz

  13. aslam in lyv with guy 4 yrs he left me sudenly and gone abroad.he didnt talk to me past one month and not turn back to me.he didnt feel bt im feel so sad.plz give me dua for come back to me for ever

    • Sister benazir, wa alaykum as-salam. Rather than trying to get him back, I think you should accept that this relationship is finished. Insha'Allah you will find someone else good in the future, and when you do please pursue marriage in a timely manner, to avoid this kind of problem again.

      Wael Editor

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