Help me, I don’t want to marry my cousin.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Dear brothers and Sisters
I’m 22 years old Pakistani girl who’s born and brought up in Netherlands.
When I was young my parents engaged me to my cousin who live in Pakistan.
My problem is that I don’t like him and there are many reasons for that, first he live in some village in Pakistan and he’s not at all educated, second reason is, few years back (in 2011) he came to Belgium to live with my uncle and he stayed also few weeks with us. After few months he went back to Pakistan, why ? because he felt that life in Europe was difficult, he used to get money from my uncle and aunts in Pakistan and even my parents used to send him gifts and money, he was extremely pampered, even though my parents, his parents and our family tried to explain him that he need to stay in Belgium and earn money for his family, so that he can support them, he didn’t listen to anyone, infact he used to abuse people who tried to explain him. Once he said to my mother, I don’t need your daughter I have many girls in Pakistan whom I can marry and if your daughter wants to marry she should first agree to live in Pakistan after our marriage.
Within few month’s he went back, honestly I was very happy cause I hated him actually I still hate Him, I have never seen such a arrogant and abusive person in my life , he only love Himself, he doesn’t even care about his sick mother, every day I hear bad things about him, never heard something positive.
I thought after all that fiasco my mother would dislike him but no my cousin apologised and my mother’s heart melted. She asked me to marry him, I clearly told my mom that I don’t like him and btw who’s going to arrange visa for him, Netherlands is not the same anymore I can’t arrange papers for him and even if I do, who promise me that he will be ready to work here and won’t go back to Pakistan.
My mother told me about some promise which she made to her parents and her parents visit her in her dreams and look very sad, my mom thought it was because I was not getting married to my cousin. I got angry and I said ; you only care about your dead parents and not about your daughter who’s still alive. I accept it was very wrong of me I could have explained better and that’s why I apologised to my mother.
After a very long conversation we decided that we won’t talk about my marriage till I complete my education and she will not force me to marry him.
After that few incidents happened between my mom and her sister, my mom said I was right, my cousin is rude and neither hardworking, I thought everything was over but no my mother asked her friend to do Isthikara for me and my cousin, well her friend asked some Imam in Pakistan and Imam told her that I will be very happy if I marry my cousin, which I felt was extremely wrong, when I have clearly told her that I don’t want to marry him than what’s point of performing Isthikara and that to when the Isthikara is not performed by me or someone who’s related to me, I asked my mom on which basis should I marry him, is he educated, is he hard working or does he care about someone’s feelings ? I said to my mom ; do you remember when he rejected me if yes than tell me, why it is ok if he rejects me and why can’t I reject him ? and when the last time I rejected him, you cursed me, you said I will be never happy if marry someone else, have you ever thought about my feelings, how can you curse me as a mother, I accept you have done a lot for me and I’m very great- full to have a mother like you but this my last wish: I want to marry someone who can hold me when I fall, every girl wish for a husband who’s hardworking and more than anything I wish for a husband who at least have knowledge about Islam but my cousin he lacks even in the deen department I accept that I have done many mistakes in past but now when I have started to pray Salah, I wish for a husband who also pray Salah and help me in learning more about Islam and honestly I don’t have any hopes from my cousin cause the only thing he do is uploading his pictures with guns on social media and that’s another reason why I’m scared of him.
My mother felt sad for me and she said even if I listen to you, your father will never accept this, she told me that she tried to talk about this matter with my father and his answer was no, he said our daughter will not marry someone outside our family otherwise I will die on and my mother replied ; but our daughter wants to marry someone who’s educated and is interested in Islam and we both don’t have such guys in our family on which my father replied; it doesn’t matter you shouldn’t have fixed her marriage before.
honestly I don’t know what to do, I feel my dreams will shatter and my parents will marry me to someone against my wish. I really feel that ALLAH doesn’t love me anymore and neither do my parents, they have done so much for me and at last, they will take the most important decision of my life against my wish.
Marriage is the biggest dream of my life and girls of my age are getting married or engaged and here I’m still fighting with my problems, why doesn’t ALLAH bring someone for me, sometimes I’m so scared, what if my duas doesn’t get accepted ? what if my parents force me? cause I know, I won’t do anything against their wish and at the end I will give up, I’m not saying I’m living in some hell or my parents aren’t nice, they are extremely nice people, they have done so much for me and ALLAH has given me everything but from last few months feel stressed and I’m losing my Imam, plz help me this site is my last hope I can’t go anywhere.
Thank you in advance and sorry for any grammar errors, I’m used to write letters in Dutch and this is my first letter in English also i was having some problem with the internet.
sorry if it was to long.
muslimaahmed
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Salam sister,
You guys in Pakistan have some kind of really weird habit when it comes to marriage and family.
First of all : Tell your father that according to the sunna It is not permissible for the guardian, whether he is the father or anyone else, to marry off anyone under his care without her consent, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A previously-married woman has more right concerning herself than her guardian, and the permission of a virgin should be sought (regarding marriage), and her permission is her silence.” Narrated by Muslim, 1421.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No previously-married woman should be married off without being consulted, and no virgin should be married off without asking her permission.” They said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what is her permission?” He said: “If she remains silent.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4843; Muslim, 1419.
Similarly, it is not permissible for a guardian to be stubborn about the marriage of a female under his care, or to prevent her from marrying someone she wants to marry if he is compatible with her. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be fitnah (tribulation) in the land and much corruption.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; classed as hasan by al-Albaani.
Second : you can not ask someone to make istakhara for you. Istikhara is a personal prayer that only a person should offer to have an answer on a specific subject.
How can your aunty pray istakhara on your behalf and your cousins behalf ???
Third : what kind of imam reads the future?? Al ghayab illa Lah - only Allah knows what's in the future... the "Imam" that they consulted formyou in Pakistan look to me more like a fortune teller..
Fourth : in Islam no one can force you - you can refuse your parent's choice by giving them a little bit of religions background.
All the best!
Write a letter and say it just as you wrote it here.Islam doesnt permit force marriages or abuse mentally and physically....If your educated in some field
Then it's time to move on and let them know that you are serious
Wsalam, no sister your dreams will not shatter and you have to continue the opposition. I understand that all three of you are getting emotional here: your mother by thinking her parents’ soul will be unhappy when infact, dead people only need their children to do good deeds for which they too will be rewarded, and forcible marriages are not a good deed.
Your father for whom having made a verbal commitment is more important than his life and his flesh and blood. Yourself who is getting angry at her parents for not listening to your point of view and feeling your duas are not being answered.
Sister, Allah listens to all our duas. We need to be earnest in our prayers and ask Allah with all our heart and a strong belief that He listens and answers.
Explain to your mother that dead people are not affected by our marriage choices. Show her the ahadith that Sister Shanna has put down in her reply. Explain to her again and again that how will a person not
willing to work support you, how will you sponsor him to Netherlands, does she want to send her daughter to lifelong misery. Give her facts of why you do not want to marry rather than you too making emotional statements.
Also ask your mother to convince your father again and again. It is better for him to take a bold decision now rather than to see you unhappy and miserable just for sake of a verbal commitment that was made when none of them knew how their offsprings would turm out. Making the right decision now is not going to tarnish his honour rather it will show his strength and also set a precedent for others in the family in a similar situation. Trust me, if yours is the only family in Netherlands, there will be many girls awaiting the same fate in your village. It will give them the stepping stone to save their futures. Tell your parents all this.
Do istikhara yourself. Teach your mother how to do istikhara and explain to her how
it works.
Keep praying, have faith and keep convincing your parents. They will come around because you are supporting the right thing. Don’t give up and do not agree to the marriage at all. May Allah SWT give you success. Ameen.
Dear sis,
I don't understand y ur parents r so adamant to marry u off to this cousin of yours. Try to convince them with reference to Ahadees. Do istekhara yourself, it's easy n simple, find it in google. Allah will help you in a way u never thought of, trust Allah n do istekhara on daily basis . Wish u all the best .
Assalamo walikum sister
Sorry to hear your struggle. Why does your parents want to force you to do anything that you don't like? I just don't understand why some parents are so selfish? Giving birth doesn't gives them the right to do what ever they like with their kids. Children should be blessing and not pet and parents should see it. What I believe is that continue with your education and work on your dream and when time comes you will find a good man. Don't wory about getting married now. You are still young and just focus on your dream. Don't tell your parents that you want to marry someone else, just tell them am not ready for marriage. The more you tell them "no" the harder they will make it for you. Don't ask your parents to look for your partner, just keep it silent and meet someone who will fit for your heart. Once you meet someone and later if you tell them, inshallah they should be ok with your decision. That's just my advice. The reason I tell you this because in this century thats how woman meets a man. You dont need to be arrange to get married to a good man. Your own afford can be as good as parents decision. A lot of time it is better to rely on yourself. Once you find that pious man, your parents will compare in their mind and see which one is the best. And if you described the way your cousin is then yes and inshallah they will accept your decision.
Hope this help!
I will never understand this stubbornness in parents who seem to think some promise given to a relative is more important than what their own child wants. I also dont understand this obsession with marrying into your own family?!? I really do hope this is not a norm. I can't even process this. So much wrong with this.
As for your issue. You are in Netherlands and he is not. That's good. A nikah cannot be performed without your consent and signature. If your parents manage to arrange a nikah either by skype or live, then your choice is to not participate. Stay out, lock yourself in your room whatever. Also you need to have a serious talk with your dad preferably with some mediator. Explain to him what Islam says and that he cannot force you. If he persists then refuse to obey. Also you are an adult. So you do have the option of moving out. Your parents will get over this. It's your choice to not be emotionally blackmailed.
Once a nikah is performed you are islamically married. Forced or not. It's valid. You have to live your life. Not your parents.
Rubbish. In islam both the bride and groom have to give consent in order for a nikah to be valid.
"In the event that the woman does not accept this marriage, then it is invalid and she has to tell the one who did this marriage contract with her about that. He does not have the right to force her to engage in intercourse and intimacy, and she does not have the right to allow him to do that so long as she does not accept this marriage. the groom have to give there consent otherwise the nikah is invalid." (islamqa.org)
https://islamqa.info/en/163990