Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help – my husband has used me!

Passport immigration stamp, green card

I need advice. I married a man from Jordan and brang  him to America.  After I married him I realized his and his parents intentions were to use me and to benefit from my American status. Which totally hurts and breaks me every time I think about it.  Despite the reasons for him marrying me i learned to love him and we have kids together so I need him and he needs me. His parents are still trying to benefit from the situation and applied for a visa and are awaiting to be able to get permanent residence. Which I have to include that they have 6 kids in Jordan and are very well off and have a beautiful home in Jordan. Their intentions are to try to bring all their kids to America if possible. I don’t agree with their intentions and it hurts me to know they wanted to use me for their selfish fantasies to live in America. America isn’t what it seems and me and my husband are struggling enough as it is and to Bring them to our home and help them until they adjust to America isn’t an easy task when we ourselves aren’t financially stable which will cause huge problems in my marriage.They think that I don’t have a choice but In reality I  have the ability to ruin their plans .So my question is if i were to deny them the opportunity to come live in America would I be wrong?Please help

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5 Responses »

  1. I am sorry about the situation you are going through. I don't know why your husband don't understand the whole thing? If he knows living in America is not easy why he doesn't try to convince his family back in Jordan? There is only thing that can be done and that is to try to take your husband in confidence and convince him about the whole thing. Tell him you can't afford yet to help bring them to America and tell him you both must work hard for your kids to keep up with life and for their bright future and tell him you'll try your best to help his family once you can afford. May Allah help you and He is the best helper. Ameen.

  2. It doesn't sound like you're being used in a bad way. It's just him and his family that want to better their life by coming to america. America to you may not be anything , but someone outside of america would probably see as a big thing where you can make money etc. Which is true in a sense since there are more opportunities there than Jordan.

    If you truly love your husband and want a better future for your kids then bring his family over, so your kids can have that side of connection. Don't be selfish and give his family a chance to better their life

  3. If they do come over. You need to make a serious contract with your husband that they don't live with you guys until they are settled. This will cause huge problems. They must live separately. I have seen a family where the husband applied for his 6+ siblings and their spouses and kids...it's a chaos. They never leave the brother alone. Constantly asking him for many things and the husband ended up leaving less attention to his own wife and kids. Explain to him the many problems. Many of the new immigrants that migrate here that lived well off back home, use the American government system for food stamps, other beneficial money, and free education. System is abused. America is not what it used to be.

  4. OP: They think that I don’t have a choice but In reality I have the ability to ruin their plans .So my question is if i were to deny them the opportunity to come live in America would I be wrong?Please help

    If your husband is a US citizen and can support his family financially there is not much you can do. Your husband may even divorce you.

    You

  5. Assalaamualaykum Linapink24,

    How are you? I'm sorry to hear that you have a lot of pressure on you right now. That can't be easy, but Inshallah, it will not last forever...nothing does.
    .

    Why do you think that your husband married you just to use you? It is quite common for a spouse's family to want to come to America after one is married, due to their rose-colored image of the country or naivete as to what they are getting themselves into. That doesn't mean, however, that your husband married you with this intention, or that he doesn't truly love you. You have two beautiful children together MashaAllah! I don't want you to believe that he is using you...try to see the best intentions in everybody, if at all possible.

    Also, everybody's life has challenges, some greater than others. If it's not one thing, it's another. So this is your test...In Islam, we help and care for each other, and you would be so rewarded in the eyes of Allah to help your family in their dreams, even if they are somewhat ill-informed (you can try to explain to them that America is not necessarily what it seems, so they are not expecting a miracle). I know it will be hard on you for awhile, but you will be blessed by Allah! Also, maybe only one of them will come at a time, making it much more manageable...you never know...once they discover the reality of trying to gain employment and get settled in America, they may decide to move back to their big beautiful house in Jordan!

    This may not be how you were expecting your life to go, but if you bear patience, everything will turn out as it should. A friend of mine once said "Let life surprise you." I think that is a good mentality to have, because so much is out of our control, and not worth trying to control. It is best to make the best of what we have, challenges and all.

    Best,

    Nor

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