Helpless and lonely
Question:
AssalaamAlikum,
I am 26, girls usually get married around 18 or 19 years, but I am still single. Since I turned to 18 I am praying to Allah after every salat to bestow mercy on me and I prayed to get married soon. I never got any good proposals until I turned to 23.
I was secretly talking to the first person who proposed me, who is from my home town. I don’t go out of the house apart from school. So I don’t know most of the neighbors even. My mother came to know about it and asked me. So I honestly told her who he is, even though I don’t know which family he belongs to. My mother is a pious woman and a true devotee of Allah and Prophet Mohamed SAW. Mom realized instantly who he was. So she asked me to stop talking with him. I stopped. But I didn’t lose hope.
I prayed and hoped to get married soon. My intention is to get married soon. So hoping this I had accepted another proposal which I received at the age of 23. After sometime I realized that he lied to me and betrayed me. He was already married with two kids. I cried a lot feeling betrayed. But after some time I felt better.
6 months later with my friends’ advice I accepted another proposal. He was very good, very caring. He was studying in College and was about to finish at end of the year. We planned to get married once he got a job. But his parents rejected me because I came from a poor family and when he was not ready to leave me they took his mobile, cycle and everything. His family was ready to throw him out. So for his education and for the sake of his family we broke up. I was broken and cried a lot. I don’t know why this is happening to me again and again. But every time hoping for the best I began moving forward.
And at the age of 24 I met a man aged 31. I thought this man would be mature enough to understand love and life. He cared for me a lot at the beginning, but later one night a girl called me and asked me if I am his girlfriend or not. She told me he’s begging for her and trying to be with her. So I gave him the option of choosing one of us. But he told he wants me, so I told him if he wants me then stop doing such things and let’s live nicely. He agreed. But again I found him doing that. He ignores me for weeks without answering my calls, my texts. Neither had he called me. I loved him truly and by that time I was not ready to leave him. This hurts me a lot, and I have spent so many sleepless nights crying. Repeatedly this happened and he talks me when he wants, but he had other affairs behind my back. But I didn’t know any of these. He never answers my calls and once he got bored of those affairs he always come back to me saying he won’t get another girl like me. Likewise he came back several times and ignored me.
Somehow I got the strength to leave him the way he wants to. So I changed my contacts, my apartment and office too. And I accepted another proposal. The boy was good to me, very caring. But I was not happy with him. Even though he’s talking to me I feel totally blank. But I hoped that this would change everything. He was planning to get married as soon as he gets an apartment. But after a month, my previous boyfriend came back telling me he will commit suicide if I didn’t take him back. The whole night he was talking to me begging to accept him. I was helpless because I love him.
So I talked my boyfriend about my ex and I told honestly what my ex wants and I told him I want my ex too. Because my ex knows me and I know him better. Because I had been with him for one year. My boyfriend cried a lot and later one night he tried to rape me in anger. Alhamdulillah, I was saved by his friend. So the same night I accepted my previous ex-boyfriend . But the next day he text me saying he can’t get married me. In anger I said what ever came to my mind. But the truth all he has done to me from the beginning, about all the lies and betrayals.
I changed my contacts again and I told one of his friends that I am married now. Still he believes this lie. Otherwise I know he would come. He gave me nothing but tears and pain. I’ve spent so many sleepless nights crying for what he has done to me. He has spoiled my life. However I tried to live up and keep moving. And after a year I accepted another proposal, he was caring and good to me at the beginning. But later he ignored me for about two weeks when I tried to talk to him. He didn’t give me any chance and I found him with another woman. So I broke up with him. This doesn’t hurt me. But I felt helpless. I accept all these proposals to get married. I don’t like playing games.
I do pray and every prayer I ask Allah to send me a good husband and get me married soon.
All I have faced is misfortunes. But still I prayed and keep moving on. And again I accepted a proposal. I did isthikhara too and met the boy. After that he didn’t meet me. He ignored me for about a week. So I myself broke up with him texting that I don’t want to live with someone who didn’t give me time. But later he apologized and told me that he can’t live without sex. The good thing is I don’t have any sex with these people and I never let them touch me.
Last time this year I accepted another proposal. He prays five times, he was 9yrs older than me. He was educated and very understanding. I trusted this man a lot and he was planned to get married on 5th may of this year. And nicely we spent one month without any problems. But later he ignored me for about two weeks and I talked to him twice. We were each introduced to each others families and even planned to do everything for the wedding. Later I found his phone on call-waiting late at night and when I asked him, he told me that he was talking to a friend. But later he told me that his ex-girlfriend is calling him and crying. I told I am not happy for him to talk to her. But still I found his phone on call-waiting, and each time when I asked him he always tells me that it’s a friend. And he kind of ignored me. He never replies to my texts and calls.
One night when I called him he was on call-waiting. So I thought this should not work like this. So I started trying. But before answering, he text me saying he would call me tomorrow. I got hurt because despite being with me, he was still prioritizing another woman. So I called him till he answered me and I told him to end it if he wanted her. This hurts me, because I loved him truly and was about to get married. I just don’t know why this is happening to me again and again.
Please guide me.
- Jazlyn
Sister Z's Answer:
Dear Jazlyn, WalaikumsalaamWarahmatullah,
It is always easy to blame other people for the 'misfortunes' we feel we are facing in our life. However, how often do we look in the mirror and ask ourselves what we are doing that maybe causing these mishaps.
From reading your post, its appears to me that you feel very unhappy and very empty, you think having a 'man' will fill your emptiness and give you the happiness you need. You are coming across as being 'needy' and this will make any man run a mile. You seem to be a lovely caring young woman, but you lack self esteem and confidence in yourself, you appear to have set the wrong life goals for yourself and are going about the wrong way of trying to secure a man in your life. Ask yourself some simple but poignant questions. What is the purpose of your life? Is your sole purpose on this earth to get married? If you do get married, will you stop feeling lonely and unhappy?
As Muslims, our goal in life is not to get married. It is to worship Allah, and if we keep this in mind, we will remind ourselves that everything we strive for should be in order to increase our worship of Allah - be that through our choice of jobs, our homes, the lands we live in, the schools we choose for our children, the way we dress - and our choice of spouse, etc.
There is no set age for marriage but yes marriage is recommended at a young age. However, one has to be mentally mature enough. Why are you accepting every proposal that comes your way and running after every man who shows interest in you?
You may have been through some difficult times at the hands of others, but have you assessed your own contribution in the problems that have occured in your life. How did you manage to get into a situation where your boyfriend nearly raped you? Is this because you allowed yourself to meet him alone? Janzyl, I have not asked this question to taunt you, but merely to trigger you to start thinking. We cannot keep blaming other people for situations that we have allowed ourselves to fall into.
I feel it may do you some good to take a step back from spouse searching and maybe try doing some soul searching instead to develop yourself and improve your character. Start by improving your relationship with Allah, learn about your religion and the manners it promotes, take up some hobbies that you enjoy. Start attending Islamic circles, you will meet pious sisters there and the socialising will help ease your mind. Pamper yourself, go to a spa with your girl friends, join a gym, visit places, read books, enjoy your family time - there are so many enjoyable things to. The whole point of doing these 'other' things is to fill your time with something conducive and to enjoy the life that Allah has given you. When you are happier in yourself, you won't feel so lonely and you will not see marriage as your only goal in life.
As humans, we all need companionship, but to be a healthy companion, we have to learn to be happy within ourselves first.
Being happy internally and being in sync with your deen will naturally attract the right type of people your way and make you more alert as to whom you should stay away from.
When you do meet another potential spouse - do not compromise with your deen. You select the men that meet your requirements, don't feel that you are at the mercy of whoever decides to give you attention. Take control of your life. We are Muslim woman and we must communicate with our non-mahram brothers with the internal and external hijab present. Allah has shown us through the example of the Messenger (pbuh) how to conduct ourselves and how to behave with other people, including the opposite sex. There are etiquettes men/women must observe in all situations - these guidelines help us to remain open, honest and respectful. Muslims do not date, there are halaal ways of getting to know one another.
Jazlyn, relax and focus on yourself for now - by enjoying the gift of life that you have been bestowed with by Allah(swt). Work on your self esteem and confidence and set firm your identity as a Muslim woman. Keep away from whatever compromises your faith. Allah will bring marriage into your life when He knows you are ready for it.
SisterZ
IsslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Dear Jazlyn, WalaikumsalaamWarahmatullah,
It is always easy to blame other people for the 'misfortunes' we feel we are facing in our life. However, how often do we look in the mirror and ask ourselves what we are doing that maybe causing these mishaps.
From reading your post, its appears to me that you feel very unhappy and very empty, you think having a 'man' will fill your emptiness and give you the happiness you need. You are coming across as being 'needy' and this will make any man run a mile. You seem to be a lovely caring young woman, but you lack self esteem and confidence in yourself, you appear to have set the wrong life goals for yourself and are going about the wrong way of trying to secure a man in your life. Ask yourself some simple but poignant questions. What is the purpose of your life? Is your sole purpose on this earth to get married? If you do get married, will you stop feeling lonely and unhappy?
As Muslims, our goal in life is not to get married. It is to worship Allah, and if we keep this in mind, we will remind ourselves that everything we strive for should be in order to increase our worship of Allah - be that through our choice of jobs, our homes, the lands we live in, the schools we choose for our children, the way we dress - and our choice of spouse, etc.
There is no set age for marriage but yes marriage is recommended at a young age. However, one has to be mentally mature enough. Why are you accepting every proposal that comes your way and running after every man who shows interest in you?
You may have been through some difficult times at the hands of others, but have you assessed your own contribution in the problems that have occured in your life. How did you manage to get into a situation where your boyfriend nearly raped you? Is this because you allowed yourself to meet him alone? Janzyl, I have not asked this question to taunt you, but merely to trigger you to start thinking. We cannot keep blaming other people for situations that we have allowed ourselves to fall into.
I feel it may do you some good to take a step back from spouse searching and maybe try doing some soul searching instead to develop yourself and improve your character. Start by improving your relationship with Allah, learn about your religion and the manners it promotes, take up some hobbies that you enjoy. Start attending Islamic circles, you will meet pious sisters there and the socialising will help ease your mind. Pamper yourself, go to a spa with your girl friends, join a gym, visit places, read books, enjoy your family time - there are so many enjoyable things to. The whole point of doing these 'other' things is to fill your time with something conducive and to enjoy the life that Allah has given you. When you are happier in yourself, you won't feel so lonely and you will not see marriage as your only goal in life.
As humans, we all need companionship, but to be a healthy companion, we have to learn to be happy within ourselves first.
Being happy internally and being in sync with your deen will naturally attract the right type of people your way and make you more alert as to whom you should stay away from.
When you do meet another potential spouse - do not compromise with your deen. You select the men that meet your requirements, don't feel that you are at the mercy of whoever decides to give you attention. Take control of your life. We are Muslim woman and we must communicate with our non-mahram brothers with the internal and external hijab present. Allah has shown us through the example of the Messenger (pbuh) how to conduct ourselves and how to behave with other people, including the opposite sex. There are etiquettes men/women must observe in all situations - these guidelines help us to remain open, honest and respectful. Muslims do not date, there are halaal ways of getting to know one another.
Jazlyn, relax and focus on yourself for now - by enjoying the gift of life that you have been bestowed with by Allah(swt). Work on your self esteem and confidence and set firm your identity as a Muslim woman. Keep away from whatever compromises your faith. Allah will bring marriage into your life when He knows you are ready for it.
SisterZ
Assalaamaikum,
I am really sorry to hear that, But this is life you need to face all your bad days. After reading everything which you have sent here I am feeling like you should stop thinking for marraige for sometime. Then you will be happy and away from all pain as well as from tears.
If ALLAH made a pair of yours in heaven before you born, Then trust me nobody in this world can stop that.
But have patience for somedays stay away from these kind of affairs,Trust me you will be very happy in life tomorrow.
May ALLAH fulfill all your dreams, Ameen!
Ehtesham.Emraan!
Salaam Sister,
I totally agree with Sister Z when she says that you are seeking completion in your life from a man.
In our lives, we continually replay the same scenarios in life and find that the same thing happens again and again. We question why this happens, why have I left one job for another - only to meet the same end? Why have I left one relationship for another only to meet the same end? Why have I left one friendship for another to find the same thing happened again? We go around in circles like this - questioning the outside world, instead of the inside world within us that is influencing our decisions.
The reason history continually repeats itself, is because we change the external elements without changing the internal decisions and processes that we are making. If you want the outcomes in your life to change, you must first of all change the output. The things you say, the choices you make, the actions you take towards reaching your goal - all of these must change if you want different results from your life.
I would advise that you stop seeking a husband and start seeking a good person with good character. If you take your eyesight away from that marriage - and start looking for a good character, your vision should adjust a little and you may be able to start seeing males in a new light. To attract good qualities into your life, you must first of all embody them yourself. If you want respect, respect yourself. If you want a God-fearing man, fear God yourself, if you want to be treated well - treat others well. Our world and experience of life, mirrors our intentions.
If you seek only marriage prospects, and settle only for marriage prospects, you will continually get them in all shapes and sizes, with all manner of habits and baggage that they will offload onto you. But if you start to seek a good character, who will treat you well - then you will start finding this in your life, not because it will magically appear, but because when we seek - we find.
Regarding age - yes it is true that people get married at young age, but I would not call this "normal". Some marry young, some wait till later - there really is no "normal" age to be married, and nowadays with people studying through university and education, establishing careers, seeking to financially stabilise before getting married means that people start seeking marriage from age 24 onwards.
So I would stop telling yourself this "normal" and "not normal" stuff as your urgency to marry is only leading you to make bad decisions. Better to be patient, be happy with yourself and look for a good character that you can live a long happy marriage with then rush into a marriage with just anyone at a young age, only to suffer for the rest of your life at the hands of a bad man.
Peace,
L
asalamu alaikum,
i jus wanna point somethin out, you said "I accepted another proposal. The boy was good to me, very caring. But I was not happy with him. Even though he’s talking to me I feel totally blank"? why wernt you happy with him? if his charecteristc and religion is good then you should have accepted him. it seems like you probably attracted to the wrong type of guys. the way you rejected this brother thats how you been rejected by other men. what goes around comes around.
also when you keep sayin "So I talked my boyfriend about my ex "? it seems as tho you been dating, whats more is you gettin way too close with these guys.
ma salama
Dear Jazlyn,
I don't want you to feel as though we are all being harsh with you. If you do feel that way, I apologise.
I noticed that you mentioned with almost every situation that things go 'well' between you and the guy and then all of a sudden, they fall apart. Theres a reason for things falling apart Sister. It could be that you are attracting the wrong man in the first place, or it could be that you are finding a potentially decent man but are then conducting yourself in the wrong way.
Jazlyn, do not be disheartened by our words, try to take them as positive critisicm inshaAllah. When things seems to be going wrong again and again, there is usually a pattern of repeated behaviour in ourselves that is contributing to that outcome. It takes real guts to stop and analyse our own behaviour and to then also admit to our personality/character flaws.
The Glorious Quran tells us that, "Verily Allah will never change the condition of a people until they change themselves"
Let these experiences be a learning curve for you dear Sister; sometimes we all need a wake up call; so I hope you will see our advice here as just that inshaAllah and not as a set of lectures and negativity.
Sister Z
xxx
Ps: Jazlyn, I just wanted to share something with you :O)
This morning, one of my friends at Quran class told me something that made me smile and I hope it will make you smile too inshaAllah.
She is a beautiful, sweet and pious sister from Malaysia, 31 years of age, still studying at university and still single too. Alhumdulillah she is hopeful of a happy future inshaAllah - and why not?
Its natural to feel lonely without a companion sometimes, afterall we are human :O). So when this sister does occassionally feel lonely, she reminds herself of her amazing mother.
Her mother married at the age of 36 years and Allah blessed her with a child (this sister) at the age of 51 years maashAllah! This sister is now 31 years young and so that makes her mother maashaAllah 81 years young!!
I found this so beautifully inspiring and I am sure you will too inshaAllah :O).
Allah(swt) has hidden wisdom behind all His great plans, so ask Him(swt) to bestow us all with sabr and sweetness of eemaan dear one.
SisterZ
xxx
Assalamualaikum Sister Z,
Your reply to Jazlyn has been very compassionate and well articulated. It has given me a lot of helpful tips to deal with the issues in my own personal life. Alhamdullilah.
I sincerely ask Allah to help Jazlyn come out of her insecurity and give her solace, love and strong iman.
May I take this opportunity to ask you a couple of questions.
I know we must trust Allah and ask him all our needs. However, when I pray I don't often feel that peace, comfort and love from Allah. There is a void in me. I few friends told me that Allah give them answers to their questions. I've never got that strong feeling (not even a weak one) that Allah is guiding me. Even when I have done Istiharah. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm among those who are not guided.
Therefore before making something I just say bismillah and hope that is what Allah is wishing for me.
How do I trust that the future will be indeed be better by the grace of Allah. I'm just hoping and wish that it will come true. But I must admit that often I go through periods of doubt. I know it is probably because my faith is weak.
Please tell me how to build on this trust and strong beliefs.
JazakAllah
Mash Allah Sister Z response is so true.