Helpless father need advice for daughter
How to support a loved one with a mental illness?
Asalamualikum my brothers and sister in islam,
Today I came across to seek some guidance in Islamic way. I tried seeking help in masjid to imam no help only judging me but for the time I need advice support and prayer not judge. I know I can't stop them it's normal that's how society work but by this I can't solve my problem. So kindly take me as your old father and suggest me to right path.
It will be a bit long please I humbly request to read it and advice me according to Islamic way.
I am a 65 years old man, living with my wife in Canada. I have two son and one daughter alhumdulillah. My two sons are married living in USA with their family. My daughter is the youngest . The problem I am facing with my daughter. When she was teenage she mixed up with bad companion of friend and started to do bad stuffs I am ashamed to mention what sins she did he used to steal money from our relatives me her mother where ever we went ,still me and her mother explained her that this is not the way we Muslim live she asked for forgiveness and we as a parents forgave her and asked Allah to forgive my daughter. Anyhow she was okay for 2 yr when she was 20 me and my decided that it's her time to get married maybe that way she will become responsible and stop that sin.
We did found a very good kind hearted man who did marry my daughter. After a year she had a baby alhumdulillah! But she did a grave sin she stole from her mother in law. Her mother in law didn't said anything to her not her husband they forgave her her husband took her to psychiatrist and found that she might have kleptomania. Anyway she did some therapy after that we though Allah saved her and she did repent. After 5years she had another baby alhumdulillah! But her habit didn't stop she stole huge amount of money from her husband friend place. Her husband suspected her as she did this before she agreed that she took it. When her husband asked what did you do with the money she said she throw the money. Her husband called me and in harsh voice he behaved with me very badly which I understand if I was him maybe I would have done like this. Now I am arranging the amount to repay his friend I asked some time she comforted to his friend and asked for forgiveness.
Anyhow long story short the advice I need is
1) as a father what are my responsibility toward my daughter? How to advice or what to advice her?Any medication ?is she mentally ill? Will she be cure ever?
2) she cried and asking for forgiveness and she said she did tawba that she won't do it again she said she is repentant to Allah also to her husband! Should I trust her? Is she speaking truth?
3) as per Islamic what punishment I can give her as a father? My blood are boiling can't even explain how I feeling.
4) should I ask my son in law to divorce her? He is very very upset with her only Allah knows weather this marriage will to stable or not.
5) any dua?
Me my wife my son and daughter in law everyone prays now my daughter say she started to pray hope she speaking the truth.Please don't judge me advice me as you're father who is in great danger and need help..
My Allah bless all your home and keep you safe from saitan.. No doubt he is the biggest enemy to us...
Walaikuma Salam
Abdhullah Rahman
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Assalaamualaikam
Mental health problems are very distressing for the person experiencing them and for their family, and they're a lot more common than you might think - about 1 in 4 people will have some problem with their mental health during their life. People tend not to talk about mental health as readily as physical health, but rest assured that you are not going to be the only family in this situation.
We can't confirm whether or not your daughter has kleptomania (she would need to be fully assessed by a qualified professional), but if she does, kleptomania is a recognised medical condition (it's included in the International Classification of Diseases - ICD - which is used by the World Health Organisation) and treatments are available.
Depending on where you live, different treatment options will be available. The main routes of treatment would be talking therapies to help your daughter understand and cope with her difficulties so that she is less likely to steal in the future, and medication may be helpful in some cases - sometimes the problem can be related to an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, and medication can get these back in sync.
The main thing you and your family can do for her is support her, encourage her to seek help, and continue to pray for her to have strength and patience to overcome this.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I live in canada but my daughter lives in Australia.
asalamu alaikum,
firstly no one will judge you, we have no right to. now I suggest you take her to the doctors, get a MRI/CT scan from the hospital.
also when your daughter threw the money away, you should have asked her where she threw it. maybe you could have retrieved some money back.
constantly pray to Allah, in this blessed month keep asking Allah to cure your daughter.
ma salama..
I did asked her even her husban she said she was afraid and she threw te money in rubbish bin.
Salam,
I really do feel for you. Sadly the Imam you tried to talked to was judgemental. No one can blame you for your daughter's illness.
The thing is with kleptomaniacs, they can't stop themselves. I am sure she is telling the truth about being genuinely sorry. But the problem is next time she has an urge it will be hard for her to stop herself without help.
Clearly her husband has done the first step into taking her to see someone. What happen to that? Is she still being followed by the therapist?
Something that you might suggest to her is hypnotherapy to release her from this bad illness/habit.
Try meeting up with her husband and discussing how you both as well as the family can do to help her.
Inshallah we love, sabr and support you will all get her out of this.
Nothing to be ashamed about and no point punishing her.
May Allah help you all in this hardship
Salam
They continued one month session with psychiatrist but stopped then again she is in this position.
Asalamualaukum,
Thank you so much for your kind advice and the time you took to advice for me.
I tried my best to talk to my daughter about this, I also said bad and good side about her problem if she continues like this as she is not alone now she got two children. Now my daughter is saying she is trying to fix herself praying and asking for forgiveness. I HOPE she is speaking the truth.
Recently her husband having problem with his job so you can imagin what will be her situation if she do any mistakes. They fight a lot. Because she is not perfect did many bad things in life her husband always talks about that If he sees some housework is not done properly. As a father I am helpless right now I can't even speak for my daughter support.
I don't know what to do only Allah knows what's her future.
1) as a father what are my responsibility toward my daughter? How to advice or what to advice her?Any medication ?is she mentally ill? Will she be cure ever?
Inshallah she will be cure one day and her husband will be proud of her. Somehow I can relate myself with your daughter story and alhumdullilah I feel like I reborn again. Just because my family my in laws my husband supported me and trusted me.
2) she cried and asking for forgiveness and she said she did tawba that she won't do it again she said she is repentant to Allah also to her husband! Should I trust her? Is she speaking truth?
YES trust her otherwise she won't get courage to fight with saitan. We really can't judge about trusting Allah is watching let him judge.
3) as per Islamic what punishment I can give her as a father? My blood are boiling can't even explain how I feeling.
If you give punishment she might loose hope and commit something even worse then this which you won't be able to bear. It's hard to accept but she is your own daughter try to be patient and explain as far as possible. Remember Allah is watching how hard you trying.
4) should I ask my son in law to divorce her? He is very very upset with her only Allah knows weather this marriage will to stable or not.
NO don't request such a thing from your son in law. It's pain full but it's not the solution about your daughter problems. Let Allah guide them on this.
5) any dua?
Your own language make dua from bottom of your heart. Surly Allah will accept.
My dear brother,
I say pray for her, make lots of dua, only Allah is powerful enough to help you.
All you can do is support your daughter, if you have money you can help her with a portion of the amount but maybe with a condition that she get help. Let her know you love her, but need her to get help.
Other than that, Allah is bigger than your problem, and he is always there. This is your test, so just do the best you can to be a loving father and Allah will take care of the rest.
Also she is an adult, sometimes you have to let your children fall down and make mistakes, so that they learn how to get up again. She is on her journey, and she has to also help herself.
May Allah shower his mercy and blessing on your family and make this trial easy for you.
Exactly this is what happens with me but unfortunately my parents didn't stand by my side so I ended up divorce and now I am a single mother struggling with my kids. I wish my father would have like you caring and trying for his daughter. May Allah help you an give you strength to overcome the hard path you walking now.
Assalaam o aleikum
We all have our own tests from Allah (swt) and this you must assume is yours. Always remember Allah tests those whom he loves more. And that he tests us when he is trying to bring us closer to him.
No matter what your children do.. they will always remain your children.
I would not be asking your son in law to divorce your daughter, but instead give your support to him and and be there when its difficult for him to cope.
If your daughter needs medical help.. mentally she needs attention then do what ever is in your power to get her it..
Allah never gives us worries which we can not overcome.. and after every hardship he gives us ease..allhamdulilah.
pray for her.. and always keep in mind.. that though her actions maybe causing you .. your family her husband distress and anger..
she is obviously going through more distress than anyone.
May Allah give you all guidence and support through this time and may it bring you all more closer to him. Ameen.
Salaam uncle / dad,
From your post I can see how much you love your daughter and how much you want to help her, may Allah reward you and help your daughter over come this Ameem.
The people that are judging you are the one's that should be totally ashamed of them selves, as they don't understand this disorder.
Kleptomania is a serious type of impulse control disorder, that leaves the person with the disorder feeling guilt and ashamed, this disorder is diffrecult to overcome on your own, she will need the help and support from you all. The person with this disorder does not plan to do these things, they become overwhelmed by there impulses. Tension begins to build up inside them, and they can not help but to give in to there disorder. The tension only goes away by taking the item, by giving into there disorder they feel satisfied but after they feel guilt and shame. People who have this disorder take things that have no value to them and that are absolutely no use to them. ( she through the money away ) some people with kleptomania may not even be consciously aware that they have taken something untill later. Please understand that someone with this disorder does not plan to do this.
Here are some ways you could help your daughter.
1; Do not scare her, reassure her tell her that you love her and are worried about her health.
2; Tell her that you understand how hard it is for her to resist and that you will help her.
3; Tell her that you still love and care for her.
4; Tell her that there are treatments available, its just a matter of finding the right one.
TREATMENTS AND DRUGS.
Please tell her husband that this is a disorder and she can't help it, and tell him to take her to her GP and ask them about treatments, I have read a few articles on kleptomania and they have suggested the following please speak to some that has a medical background and ask about these treatments and if and how they could help your daughter.
ANTIDEPRESSANTS : selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors are commonly used to treat kleptomania.
MOOD STABILIZERS: this medication is ment to even out your mood so you don't have rapid or uneven changes that may trigger urges to give into your disorder and take things, one mood STABILIZERS used to treat kleptomania is LITHIUM ( LITHOBID ) but like I have said I have just read articles you would have to speak to her GP.
There are other treatments avaliable like COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY.
This therapy helps you identify unhealthy, negative behaviours and replaces them with healthy positive ones. This therapy may use techniques like COVERS SENSITIZATION in which you picture yourself taking something and than face the negative consequences like being cought. Also there is SYSTEMATIC DESENSITIZATION in which you practice relaxation techniques that will help you when you have the urge to give into this disorder.
Please forgive me if I have made any mistakes may ALLAH help you and protect your family. Ameen
Also dwa especially in this holy month of Ramadan will help you, your family and your daughter.
May Allah except all your dwa's Ameen.
As-salamu Alaykum,
Since you live in a different country, you may wish to visit your daughter if possible (or bring her to Canada for a period of time) so that you can work on the problem together. If she really does have kleptomania, then I think it will be extremely important for her to receive treatment from a qualified professional, which may include medication as well as different types of therapies.
You stated that she received one month of treatment with a psychiatrist, but this is almost certainly not enough as compulsive stealing is often a long-term problem that requires long-term treatment.
What you can do as a father is offer to help pay for the treatment, especially if your son-in-law is struggling financially.
I also think that everyone involved should become more educated about the condition so that you better understand what you are dealing with.
The impulses involved with kleptomania seem very similar to those involved with OCD, and I can tell you from personal experience (with someone I know very well) that it is almost impossible to reason with someone who has OCD. In fact, the more you try to reason with the person, the greater the problem can become. In such cases, medication may be the only thing that brings the person back to reality.
The more everyone involved understands that this is a mental issue and not a "moral" issue, the more likely it is that your daughter will find the path to recovery.
Try to find some support groups on-line where you may be able to interact with and seek advice from people who have been in the same situation.
No one has the right to judge you!
Unfortunately, however, most people do not understand the nature of mental illness and only react emotionally to the person's behavior.
Obviously, you cannot "punish" your daughter, but perhaps it is reasonable for her to suffer some consequences from her behavior. For example, if she owns something expensive (such as jewelry or a cell phone), perhaps she should be required to sell the item in order to pay back the people she stole from. This policy could be implemented in a loving yet firm way, so that your daughter understands that you will not always be there to bail her out.
The above advice assumes that your daughter has kleptomania, but you should also investigate other possible causes for her stealing (such as a hidden drug habit).
Make sincere dua to Allah SWT to show you the truth and to find a solution to this very disturbing issue.
I am going the same exact thing with my son he is bipolar, and a few years now is stink On Drugs, and he always sorry, I read dua for him everyday I do everything possible ,he hospitalized several times each year he go in for treatment but not once he decided to stop drugs ,I am a single mother who grow up my son,I am a born muslim I read dua,quran, give charity, I don't know what else to do ,yes he steal my money several times ,I forgive him ,it's so difficult, only Allah knows the answer ,but I never give up on him I will try until I die ,I feel sorry to see him like this so I continue to fight his addictions, but he have to be ready to stop ,and he have a mental problem, it's frustrating ,sad,it's the worse problem any parents have to go true,