Father abandoned us, how to overcome it?
Little girl in her Christening gown
A Salaam Alaikum brothers and sisters,
I wrote a previous post, ( http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/pakistani-boyfriend-left-me-pregnant/) and this new one is related to that one.
I am having a baby girl 3 months old. Her pakistani father is not interested in us. He comes to visit 2-3 times a week, but he didnt not give his surname to her neither he wants to move in with us. He did not even inform his family about him having a daughter, and I dont feel strong enough to face his family and tell them, cos he would hate me for that. The thing is that I have been lacking a family all my life. My parents got divorced when I was still little, I have no siblings and my father die 2 years ago. my mother tried to find a new partner but did not succeed . I do not get along well with my mum, plus she spent a lot of time working so I have always felt very lonely.
And now I can see myself repeating same history, being alone with my daughter and I feel so depressed. I see my baby daughter and I feel so guilty, what kind of life am I going to give to her, she came to life and already her father does not love her. I feel so bad I cry a lot. I cannot think about other man other than his father to form a family with. But he is not willing at the moment. What kind of future do i have? and what family life will i give to my baby? I always dream to have a big family, with many children around.
I do not want any other man to touch my baby, and in case in future i was getting a husband, i know he would be attached to me, but not to baby. I felt that with my mum partners. None of them was like a father to me, none of them was interested on me. So i truly believe no one will have same attachment to baby as her own daddy. But he doesn't seems to come to senses. I want to give him time and space and see if those 2-3 visits a week develop into more, but inside me, i believe he does not love me enough as to fight with his family (Pakistani family will not accept me as i am western) for us.
I don't have the courage and strength to keep being alone with baby. I love her to bits, but i look at her innocence and her smile and i cant stop crying as to why does she has to pay for my mistakes. I know I have to be strong for her, but I cant do all on my own. Actually I'm very weak person and I need her father to raise her and to be with her as well.
What can I do? I feel as if my life is finish and I will also make her live more miserable.
How can I come out of this? I do not want another man in her live, only her real father.
Please help, I am getting mad and depressed, this is all day in my head. Maybe you can tell me some hadith to tell him.
Thank you and God bless you all.
Munira.
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Salam munira..alhumdulilah you have a new baby that is healthy.forget him and his family.he only cares up until you don't come out of the closet. Learn from the situation and don't repeat it.don't seem desperate for him as he will use that as a crutch to come in and out of your life as he moves on with his..move on and Create the life you want.he will nver marry you andnyoull justbe. Secret.don't do your daughter that disservice..put him on child support and don't ever beg him to do anything..
i know how it feels to be abandoned by someone especially who you loved and who had thought to love you back. it hurts doesn't it but sister where not alone Allah swt is always out there for us Allah is the most forgiving of them all.
i don't want to point your mistake but i may have think you realised what you had done is wrong i know in relationships things can happen like that but committing zina before marriage is not acceptable. You have realised one of the negative consequences that can happen and why allah has forbid us from it.
you see some guys act so tuff out there these days fill us with their sweet talks and all that and say whatever happens il always be there for you that's a laugh they never stick to their words well most of them.
you see how your babies father already ran away in just the beginning of your babies first year, how dare he place you in a situation like this and be a coward to run away is he a man or what . its like he cant help you clean up the mess you both made left it all on you.
don't worry sister one day he will realise and regret what he has done hel only have allah to answer from now leave it all up to allah be strong i no being abandoned especially having a child with them must hurt even more.
but your not alone as i said allahs always here for everyone situations aren't given to us with a lock that has no key theres always a key to every solution. The key that's most successful to un lock any situation is the power of prayers duas and repentance.
start asking for forgiveness open your eyes hun and realise that things happen for a reason , imagine if you got married to a guy like this would he always hide away from situations you need a tuff strong man out there the one who follows the prophet salalahu alayhi wasalams footsteps someone who has strong deen imam someone who knows how precious women are to this world can shower them with love care and respect.
This person gave you no respect what so ever and hes not worth in your life at all if i was you i wouldn't give him a chance to come back until he proves to you that hes changed and become more stronger to admit to his mistakes rather than running away.
i know it would be hard moving on because im in this process myself but theres plenty of more guys out there whol respect you for you and treat you how you should be deserved. i had a friend similar to your situation he also ran away after the baby never saw a sight of him whats so ever she never trusted anyone else to be with her because she thought she wouldn't find someone whol accept her baby like hes the actual father because it can be hard to receive that.
but however the help of everyones duas prayers allah swt heard everyones call and blessed her with a strong and respective guy mashallah he looks after the baby as if its really hers. so don't you worry about not finding another guy who wount do this the worlds huge out there everyones different some are understand loving and more caring then others and willing to accept anything.
just keep praying as much as you can like duroods namazs and support your baby Allah has gifted you a healthy baby mashallah, you say she smiles so why cant you smile back , as mother and daughter you need to stick by eachother show her that shes not alone shes got you and you also got her.
so keep praying you will find that someone more special in your life whos willing to accept you and your child and release all the pain you have and replace it with something much more better in shaa allah.
il remember you in my duas hun praying that Allah swt will guide you and your child to right path and give you both the happiness and a new life you deserve.
in shaa allah with great patience comes greater things in life have strength and a strong heart heart with allah swt and anything you want will come within click of fingers.
I would like to apologize in advance if my tone is a bit harsh. But I feel like I need to be, because so many women are making the same mistakes you have, and they continue to do so. It's time to not baby the men and women who keep having sex and babies out of wedlock.
All the qustions about your future and your baby's future...why didn't you think of them before you slept with a man who is not your husband, sister? You must have known that sex can result in pregnancies...right? Even if you thought he was in love with you...if he really was, wouldn't he propose marrigae to you? Wouldn't he make a commitment to you?
To be honest, I feel bad for your daughter, and all other children with a faher who has abandoned them, because, yeah, kids really do need a father in their life. Especially girls. I'm really close with my dad, it's because he's been a strong father figure in my life that I know what a decent man should be like - because I have seen my father be a decent man. I know my worth as a Muslim woman, because I have and have always had a father in my life who made it clear to me tha I deserve the best and should never settle for anyone, especially a man, to treat me like I'm a 2nd choice, a 2nd class citizen, a secret or whatnot. I don't mean to judge you, but there's no way in Hell I would ever even imagine do what you do: have sex with a man who's not my husband. Again, because I had a father who taught me what to be careful of.
It's too late to be asking questions now. You did the deed and your daughter is existant, so you need to put your daughter before anything and anyone - including yourself. Since she has no father, it's even more important that you stop pitying yourself and start giving yourself 100% to your little girl.
If I were you, I would totally tell this guy's family that he has a daughter by you, and I would make sure he pays his ways to support his daughter. Why do you care so much about the problems you will start for HIM when he doesn't give a rat's butt about the problems he has caused YOU and your daughter?
What's even more mind boggling is why you're letting him move in with you. It's like you haven't learnt your lesson and aren't repenting the sins you have committed. You want to get pregnmant with another baby with this guy?
Look, I udnerstand that it must be lonesome to not have a family...but there's no excuse to disrespecting yourself. Stop sleeping with men and starting relationships with men. If a guy wants to be with you, he needs to a proper Islamic approach to be with you.
Assalamu alaikum,
I strongly agree with the above post - However I would like to say that you do not need to loose hope. Turn to Allah swt. Beg him for forgiveness of your mistakes and sins and beg for a pious husband.
You dont decide who is best for your daughter and you cannot put conditions on your fate like you said "I only want her real father" - point is who are you to decide that the babys real father is whats best for her?
Pray to Allah swt and open yourself up to be accepting of whatever Allah swt ordaines for you.
May Allah swt guide you and me and all muslims. aameen.
regards,
Assalam alaikum,
I agree with what sister Adina has said--even though I do feel pity for you, at the same time, you can't act like you had no responsibilty in having a child out of wedlock.
The part that I really liked about Adina's post was that her father, being a strong father-figure, played a pertintent role in her knowing her value--sister Adina, this sister lacked that. I strongly beleive, and there is research that proves this, that a strong father has a huge impact on the self-esteem of his daughter. This is a viscious cycle and hopefully the OP can break out of it.
Whatever has happened, can't be changed now.
Stop crying over this man and please do not beg and plead with him. Allah surely sees and knows all. Beg Allah for forgiveness, get up, and be a wonderful mother. You chose your path, now own it. I know it is very easy to self-pity, but no one here wants you to go down that path and honestly, your daughter, as you know, deserves the BEST life.
Stop worrying about getting a man in your life.
Ask Allah to forgive you, guide you to success. Continuously focus on this and ask this all the time.
You can make it through and inshaAllah, when the time is right, a man will come into your life. I think right now, you need to self-reflect, love yourself, and stop letting any man near you. If a man doesn't marry you, DO NOT LET HIM TOUCH YOU. I repeat, do not let him near you. Respect yourself, your body. Your daughter has to be sent the right message right now and you can do that.
I know you have had a rough childhood and it most likely impacted how you behaved--but take responsibility for your actions now and move forward. Except for repenting for past sins, forget the past and please please move forward sister.
And, as was already mentioned, tell this guy's family about his daughter. This may sound odd, but right now, you DON'T have the luxury to think and behave like a woman--you have to think and behave like a mother and FATHER of your daughter. Set your emotions aside and start ensuring that your daughter's rights are met.
Let me add one more thing--it is really awful what this man has done to you and it is absolutely sickening--keep in mind, pity for you or your daughter will not help the situation--you need a plan and you need to be strong and most of all, you need to follow the rules of Allah swt so you don't end up in a worse situation.
May Allah forgive us our sins and may Allah guide you and your daughter to a successful life and hereafter, Ameen.
I know, sis Saba, but I would think that someone who has missed a father figure in her life would be way more conscious of the lack of dad and make her become more actively determined to give her own children a father. I mean, if I had grown up and seen my mother struggle with men and witnessed how her decisions have resulted in me not having a dad, I'd grow up and do the opposite to what my mother did to avoid the same destiny as her's. But it seems like a lot of these girls just copy their mothers' bad habits and end up just like them, or maybe even worse off :(.
I completely agree with you Adina, but what you have said so very logical and that doesn't always play a role in the decisions of young women who lack a good father.
The way I see it is like this:
Parents affect their children or they don't. If parents' behavior/treatment does affect their children, then their nurturing will result in a positive way (most of the time), but their abandonment/rejection will produce negative results.
If we were to say parents have no affect on their children, it almost means that a parent is allowed to treat their child any which way they want as the result will not be affected--which is not true.
Strong fathers have very good effects on their daughters.
In the end, this sister has *hopefully* learnt her lesson, though it has been the hard way, and will never disrespect her life or body again. I hope the father of the child grows up and takes responsibility - but I feel it is just wishful thinking.
May Allah protect us from the evil tricks of shaitaan.