Her father has threatened to kill her
It's a terrible thing to live in fear of your own family.
Question:
Asalam alaykum, please help us,
I have known a young Islamic woman for 2 years now, you may find this hard to believe (as i am not a Muslim), but we have never committed any physical act although have been alone together. I have a great respect for her and her faith.
Her father recently found out about us and is utterly distraught. Myself and this young lady are so very close, it is breaking my heart to see her this way. We wish to be married, we wish to have a good life together, a decent life, but felt that, as we were both in a financialy unstable situation, and i am a non Muslim, it would be better to let him know at a later time.
When he found out, he said "I want to kill you and kill myself and let Allah decide".
I have so much fear, he has since made 2 more threats to her safety. How can we (myself my love and her father) resolve this situation? He believes he is going to hell, because his daughter has sinned, and i am trying to understand this. Is there anyway we can be together? She moved away to go to university, and she got a job here as well, she lives with other women, i am afraid that if she goes home she won't come back.
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim -
In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
I feel that you are in a terrible sitution and the chances of things working out well are small. First and foremost, it is absolutely forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim, as the man in Islam has a measure of responsibility and can influence his wife, and we would not want for a Christian husband to influence his wife away from her Islam. So the situation as it is now is impossible.
The threat that the father made against his daughter is unfortunate, but it is real. I would say that it is probable that he allowed his family to be very assimilated and did not raise them with strong Muslim values, or else it is highly unlikely that his daughter would have committed the forbidden actions of being alone with a man, and being alone with a non-Muslim man at that. So if she is lacking in religious knowledge and commitment, then that is the responsibility of her father and mother and they will be responsible for that on the Day of Judgment. For him to now say that the solution to his lifelong neglect of Islam is to kill her or himself is stupid and of course forbidden in Islam and illegal. He should instead apologize to his daughter for failing to bring her up in a right manner, and he should repent to God and should seek to learn his religion so that he can save himself from punishment in the hereafter. He should maintain strong ties with his daughter and try to guide her and teach her if she is willing to listen. If he gets angry or threatens her, he only drives her away and eliminates any chance to influence her in a good way.
All of this really has nothing to do with you, except that you got caught up with a nice Muslim girl and now you are placed in the middle of it. What I would encourage YOU to do is to independently learn about Islam. Not for this girl's sake, but for the sake of your own soul. I am an American woman who converted to Islam 16 years ago, and I can tell you that Islam appeals to me on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level. It may be that this challenging situation is a way for you to look into your own heart and to learn about God as we Muslims understand Him. You have nothing to lose by doing so and much to gain.
I am posting some links to sites that teach about Islam. I hope you make use of them:
http://www.sultan.org/books/islam-in-focus.pdf
http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/Books/M_tui/
http://www.islamicity.com
It will help you to understand the bigger picture. Meanwhile, I ask you to leave this girl alone. You will only cause continued heartbreak to her by engaging in this forbidden relationship. If you really respect her, help her by not trying to be with her. Encourage her to return to her faith so that she too will be guided.
I know this is not an easy situation for you. I pray that everyone can learn to live according to the RIGHT way, the way not of country or culture, but the way that is pleasing to God.
Fi Aman Allah,
- Noorah
Entries(RSS)
Dan,
First things first. I'd take the father's threats seriously. Anyone who threatens to kill someone else has (1) shown an inability to feel empathy, and (2) has committed a criminal act. Besides, how many times has someone killed a person they claim to love when motivated by some deranged concept of love, honor, or some other benign feeling?
Can your love and you be together? Of course you can, but as you know, it may take doing things you wished you didn't need to do. That might look like "running off" together, getting the police involved, or whatever else you might think (besides retribution against the father, of course). The father is clearly delusional, emotional unstable, and deeply distraught. When motivated to act under some belief in a god, people can easily dismiss their evil acts as just.
Be very careful, but be strong. Don't be afraid to get a third party involved (like the police), or remove yourself from the threatening situation (like your lover and you cutting ties with the family). In the end, you must be safe to effectively love one another, and that may not be possible when you have someone like the father who refuses to open up to love.
Good luck, and be safe.
J. Alexander Lloyd
Hi dan, first u need to know dat it is forbiden 4 a muslim lady to marry an unbeliever unless he had converted 4 d sake of Allah alone. So this d bottom line of ur relationship.
Being a Muslim , i am also struck in some what of a same situation. Me and her are from same country and same religion and her family wont let us marry. Never even gave us a chance .We are just hanging and Hopful.
But No matter what it is always prefered to find a peaceful solution. If you try to make her run away . You and her will have a guilt..and little fear as well.
All i can recommend is if possible for you try to convert to Islam . You never no , they might accept you.
I wish all the best for both of you. Inshallah it will work out fine..
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim - In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
I feel that you are in a terrible sitution and the chances of things working out well are small. First and foremost, it is absolutely forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim, as the man in Islam has a measure of responsibility and can influence his wife, and we would not want for a Christian husband to influence his wife away from her Islam. So the situation as it is now is impossible.
The threat that the father made against his daughter is unfortunate, but it is real. I would say that it is probable that he allowed his family to be very assimilated and did not raise them with strong Muslim values, or else it is highly unlikely that his daughter would have committed the forbidden actions of being alone with a man, and being alone with a non-Muslim man at that. So if she is lacking in religious knowledge and commitment, then that is the responsibility of her father and mother and they will be responsible for that on the Day of Judgment. For him to now say that the solution to his lifelong neglect of Islam is to kill her or himself is stupid and of course forbidden in Islam and illegal. He should instead apologize to his daughter for failing to bring her up in a right manner, and he should repent to God and should seek to learn his religion so that he can save himself from punishment in the hereafter. He should maintain strong ties with his daughter and try to guide her and teach her if she is willing to listen. If he gets angry or threatens her, he only drives her away and eliminates any chance to influence her in a good way.
All of this really has nothing to do with you, except that you got caught up with a nice Muslim girl and now you are placed in the middle of it. What I would encourage YOU to do is to independently learn about Islam. Not for this girl's sake, but for the sake of your own soul. I am an American woman who converted to Islam 16 years ago, and I can tell you that Islam appeals to me on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level. It may be that this challenging situation is a way for you to look into your own heart and to learn about God as we Muslims understand Him. You have nothing to lose by doing so and much to gain.
I am posting some links to sites that teach about Islam. I hope you make use of them:
http://www.sultan.org/books/islam-in-focus.pdf
http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/Books/M_tui/
http://www.islamicity.com
It will help you to understand the bigger picture. Meanwhile, I ask you to leave this girl alone. You will only cause continued heartbreak to her by engaging in this forbidden relationship. If you really respect her, help her by not trying to be with her. Encourage her to return to her faith so that she too will be guided.
I know this is not an easy situation for you. I pray that everyone can learn to live according to the RIGHT way, the way not of country or culture, but the way that is pleasing to God.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah
Sister Noorah, thanks for your realistic and honest answer. This question really needed a good answer, and I am glad that you chimed in, ma-sha-Allah. I agree with your assessment. This relationship has no future as it is; at the same time, outsiders need to be brought in to speak to the father and guarantee the daughter's safety. That could be someone from the masjid, community leaders, or even the police. Since she has already moved away, it may be best if she stays away and does not return to her father's house. This may seem drastic, as Islam does not condone cutting ties with relatives, but a life could be at stake, so it seems reasonable to me.