Her father won’t accept me because we dated
I'm 19 and don't know what to do. Well you see my girl friend's father found out we were dating (my girlfriend is 18) and after he hit her all over with a stick. He called me to his house and talked me, he told me what we were doing is haraam (which is 100 percent) and he asked me if i want to marry her. I said yes.
When I get a job, he asked me that I dont have a job? I said no, but inshallah I'm going to get one soon but he said then he will rather give his daughter to a beggar then me and I don't think he's going to ever want me as a son in law. One day even though he said he made me maaf, but i love that girl so much that I want to marry her next year and I'm going to get a good job in a month.
Now I read all my namaaz and I dont think I will be such a bad son in law but why do you think he doesnt want me to marry his daughter? I never disrespected her or any thing and I love more then my own life. I really want to marry her next year and is there any thing I can do to soften his heart towards me and want me in his family?
I know dating is haraam totally haraam, but I love her and I want to spend my life with this girl. I dont want to date her or even speak to her till that day that I propose but this father is extremely strict and he really doesnt like me at all.
Please help
- Fayyadh
6 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Fayyadh, Asalaamualaykum,
If any Muslim father found out his daughter was having a haraam relationship with a man, he'd flip. Did you honestly expect him to accept you with open arms? You have violated very important Islamic laws of male/female relations, you have touched this man's daughter illegally - and you say that you 'never disrespected her' and further you ask: 'why do you think he doesnt want me to marry his daughter?' Fayyadh, having physical relations with a Muslimah who is not your wife is disrespectful towards her, her father and Allah's Laws - it is not something to be taken lightly.
The Prophet(saw) warns us: "The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the ears is listening, the zina of the tongue is speaking, the zina of the hand is touching and the zina of the foot is walking. The heart wishes and longs and the private part confirms that or denies it." Ibn Battaal (ra) also said: "Looking and speaking are called zina because they invite one to true zina. He then said: "the private part confirms that or denies it."
I do not believe that this man beating his daughter was at all right either; but his behaviour should not belittle the wrongness of yours and this girl's behaviour.
All I will say is, turn to Allah, do tawbah, try to improve your character, make dua and effort to reach out to her father. If you are sincere and this man warms towards you, then you get what you want. If her father does not accept you, then let this be a lesson for you to learn from - and accept it as Allah's Will.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamu Aleikum,
it is natural that her father became angry at both of you. But: Instead of scolding young people, instead of
beating them with a stick, instead of cursing and screaming, it must be possible to talk about physical
attraction, marriage etc. in a muslim family. And in many Muslim families, everything is considered to be a
taboo, from sexuality to dating, even talking about it is haraam. That's unfair and often leads to hypocracy
and hidden affairs. I don't know how far you carried it in this relationship, but when feelings are sincere
and honest, you shouldn't hide them from the world. In Arabic, the guy you want to marry and
love sincerely is called Ibne Halal, someone who is halal for you. When you really love someone, you
declare it in front of the whole world, you don't keep it in secret and hide it from everybody.
If you want to be Ibne Halal, the love you feel for her must be halal. Ibne Halal enters the home through the
door,not the window. Ok, let's work on the assumption
you didn't have physical contact, you were dating etc. You can still seek repentance and propose for her,
but you should be practising Muslim and honour her as a wife. The father should be less autoritarian, but
sensible and not punish his daughter with sticks or toothbrushs or whatever.
If you want this to have a happy-end, be Ibne Halal from now and prove it to her family.
Jazakallah
Asslam O alaikum brother Fayyadh,
Sorry to hear about the turmoil you are going through brother. Sister Z and Sister Jannah have already explained the reasons but I would like to add a few more things to that. First of all, from her father's point of view: Off course any father would get angry if he knew that his daughter is having an affair, however, beating is no way a right thing to do. Unfortunately, a lot of our parents just use force and pressure to stop their children from doing Haram/wrong things(religiously, culturally, socially etc) rather than using the logical reasoning in any situation what so ever, which is very important. Dating is totally Haram, no matter what, even if you go with the right intention of marriage unless both families know and also Islamic teaching are observed and there is no physical contact/relationship etc. Yes, there are Halal forms of dating like on-line dating sites, marriage events or through friends and family members etc, as far as your parents,guardians or chaperone are fully aware of that. Also, brother you guys are still too young (even though Islam allows you to get married as you are adults), but you guys are not even out of your teens have no experience of real life, brother you don't have a job as well(even you said you will get a job in a month or so but still would that be enough to support a family. Next, you will have children Inshaallah, their schooling, own house or renting a house and other expenses). Also, you guys are young and think with your heart not with the mind, so father would ever like to see his daughter feeling hurt just because of a very very important decision of her life she made in haste thinking with heart. After all she is a piece of his body, heart and soul. You need to ask yourself that, whether you love her or is it just a crush or fashion (believe me when I say this, a lot of guys/girls choose smoking, boyfriend/girlfriend or dress up just because it's a fashion). Having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is totally different from husband/wife. You can leave a girlfriend/boyfriend but you can't write off husband or wife just like a broken car etc.
So, consider above and think what is right and wrong, you are still too young, if you love her, then get a job and prove yourself worthy of her. Make your career because marriage isn't fun thing for many unless you really love, understand and care for each other and have means to support a family. There are no short-cuts in life for anything. One of the reasons his father doesn't want to give her hand for you is that he might be thinking that if you are dating his daughter(because he didn't knew you before he came to know of your affair with his daughter and sometimes or most of the times "first impression is last impression", if its a bad one then, its takes quite a while to get it right) then who knows how many girls have you dated before or are currently dating on side( I am not pointing at you brother but there are guys and girls who are serial daters/multi-daters). In which case you will have to show him that how serious you are and you are a man of your words and age is just a number, who is honest, trustworthy, truthful and can take care of his daughter.
May Allah help you make the right decision with the mind not the heart. Your brother mks:)-
assalamoualaikoum...combine the three advices and most important is what Mks1982 said.. and u will soon realise that its better to settle down in life brother.. i know its difficult.. but is it not a bit wrong or fully wrong if u say u love a girl more than ur life? y not love ALLAH, our beloved prophet deen al-islam, quraan shareef more than ur life brother?? why why why??? its applies to me too..am not saying it as a chritian priest that do what i say not what i do. not brother..ALLAH knows am trying my best to follow what i am saying.
i too did the same mistake..an repenting till today in the hope that ALLAH accepts my prayers and forgive me for my sins. Alhamdulillah i do my best o please ALLAH. am trying and do my best to follow what i just told u. its easy to say u love a girl more than ur life because the girl is physical and you can see her.. why not be more on the islam point of view brother. y not love ALLAH, our beloved prophet deen al-islam, quraan shareef even if we can not see ALLAH and our beloved prophet(s.a.w)? Tjis is y we have been sent on the Earth..Our mission here is to please ALLAH..let alone this love brother. u r still young. 19 years old.. u have ample time to reach 30 years.. 11 years is more than sufficient..
i am 29 years old, am a physics teacher and i am still unmarried. i loved a girl just as u r in love with our dear sister. but do u think am worried about my age? about getting married? no brother. in my swalaat, i ask forgiveness for my sins brother. i ask for the love of ALLAH as our beloved prophet (s.a.w) has and the love of our beloved prophet in my heart and to forget all worldly desires. am trying hard to achieve this brother. and am 100 % sure that ALLAH is listening to my prayers and i will soon succeed.
brother just live for ALLAH and you will see how your life improves for the better day by day. u r still young.
i make a request to forgive me if i have said anything wrong..
leave d girl..i know its impossible..but i haf gone thru this..i din leave my partner... nor did he...n at d end... i m completeli grounded..im not allowed 2 study... nor go out like i use 2... im asked whu i m toking to..its hell now. n at d end.. u haf no other option but say yes to your parents choice n live,