Her husband beats her badly, she needs strength to take Khula
As-salaam aleikum
The sister has been married for around 12 years and has 4 children today. She has been experiencing domestic violence on regular basis since marriage but it started of slowly with facial slaps, harsh wordings and his families interference. He was her choice but her family did not approve of it, and that caused a sort of dilemma as she felt that she could not go back to her family because of her decision - and had to swallow the violence she experienced.
Now the situation is this that 2009 and 2010 the beating got so severe that her jaw structure came out of joint and it literally says click when she chews food. Also the magnitude of violence was on a such level that he basically kicked her while she was lying on the floor and he sat on her stomach and punched her fists on her face and head while the children were watching 🙁 She had a severe head ache for several days.
He also used to call up on his family members and expressed that he had done some beating ... But at the end he just said to her that it was her own fault ... Also when ever a argument occurred he always said "Oh so you want your Khula eh. go ahead take your Khula cause that is what you really want!" - and what she only tried to do was to express her views on certain matters and issues. But he always said sentences like "you are like a dogs tale and will never correct your self" etc. etc.
The situation has been so intense and severe that she cut her self with blade because of stress and has lost a lot of hair due to stress. You can literally see her scalp .... The children, specially the second youngest is so disturbed that he requires a shrink at the children's institute, (only 4-5 years old). A normal evening in their home is with the father continuously shouting and scolding about "stop that what you are doing" - "stay quite for gods sake" - at several point the children also got facial slaps because the did not do as told. According to child custody agent, the children and her self suffer from something called "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder".
Today she has on a certain level, moved out from his apartment but he is doing everything he can to "win" her back. He is constantly messaging her about how he cries during the night and how much he misses his children etc. etc.
She has asked for Khula but she is afraid her Khula will be rejected because the husband is very close ties to the Masjid and the people inside the Masjid. He has basically expressed to her that "I have sorted out all my sources and the imam has explained that your Khula is baseless and the imam said that the fact that she gave him "children" is the same is giving forgiveness for what has occurred" - but according to her she gave him children with the thought that he would change. The one at the Masjid want to push her towards a meeting where the sisters brother, the imam and the husband are there, and she feels that they will push her to take him back by pressurizing her to consent. He also expressed towards her that you are destroying the children by doing what you are doing and that she is being unfair towards him ...
The father is in touch with his children every second week and is giving the children a time of their life by going out to eat, purchasing things for them etc. and now the children are expressing that they miss their father. He is entitled to one phone call during a week, according to child custody institute, so he can talk with them. And obviously, when ever he calls, the children burst out in cries etc. "We miss him, we miss him". That in it self is causing a dilemma in her about what to do.
She made her first istikhara about moving out and it came out positive and she left his place. She has then made a second istikhara and saw her self with a new husband in a new place where all were extremely happy ... But she is in a dilemma. All of her friends incl. her own sister are saying that you should not take him back because of his violence behavior. But she on the other hand feels uncertain because of the children she still feels unsure about what to do.
(We have only mentioned the part of his husbands behavior. But there is more to it as the mother lives with the son, and has a elder sister who is/was strongly involved in every decision making part of their life, but we have left that part out - but we wish to add that He has even expressed "she is eldest, she knows best", so his sisters decision overrules his wife's wishes and requests. Also his own father was an abuser ... so one can only understand that he see's it as being normal behavior...)
(We need some serious advice, so she can find the strength to make the right decision and not feel weakened by the cry of her children, when ever he calls or when he msg's her - and help her to be proactive and doing something about her Khula. We feel that she should leave him, even with four children because the children and her, do not deserve a man like that. We are trying to tell her "that think, if something had gone wrong under the fist beating. IF she become partially paralyzed ... or what if she had died under that severe beating...)
She has a brother but he is very attached to the Masjid and to this "imam" who they both (husband and brother) look up to and use for consultation. Brother, imam and husband are only interested in reconciliation but we simply don't understand why her Khula is being rejected. They will only take her case is she will do reconciliation otherwise she will remain alone yet "married".
So she is alone on this case and has no one who can help her with it - that is why she feels weak, that she will be consumed by these "males" who are the decision making authority in Shari'a.
We have given her some phone numbers to certain sheikhs inside and outside the country to get sincere advice but she is afraid to make that phone call.
So the main question is:
Q1: Now that she has four children with him, should she still consider to take him back? or is it better for her to be without him and continue her life by putting her faith in Allah and her istikhara about a new husband where all were happy including the children?
I hope you guys can give her some motivating words so she can find the strength in her to make that phone call and be proactive about her Khula.
And can people in here issue a khula on her behalf so her iddat can begin?
Thanks.
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Asalaam Alaykum,
First of all, I would like to say that I am sorry your friend is in such a horrible situation. May Allah give her and her children sabr. If the woman is in such a situation, she should try her best to work it out with the husband. There are some people who can change. HOWEVER, if it is continuous and repetitive behaviour on the husband's part, I say GET OUT OF THERE. It should not matter whether they have kids. There are plenty of divorced couples who are not Muslim and most of the kids turn out normal. Why should Muslim women have to put up with abuse just for the sake of what the community will think, or for the sake of the children? I understand a mother always wants to do everything for the sake of the kids, but no one should endure this kind of behaviour. For me, if a man hits me once, I'm out of there. I do not care how much he loves me, if he made a mistake, if he did it out of anger. My dad always tells me there is no shame in divorce if the husband is abusive. Why should divorce be looked upon as something bad? Naturally this woman's husband is crying and sending messages, in order for her to come back so he can continue his abuse. He's a master mind in controlling her! It's a typical behaviour of control.
If she loves her children and for the sake of her children, she should not go back. She should not even look at him twice. It doesn't matter if the kids miss him. Should she risk her own life? Should she just go back to him because the kids miss him and one day the kids grow up without a mother, because that abuse will kill her! For the sake of her kids and for the sake of them growing up happy, she shouldn't dare return, but file for divorce right away.
She made a mistake, so what? She chose someone her parents didn't like. Why should she have to suffer because of that mistake? Her parents and family should be there for her regardless of the mistakes she makes in her life. I'm sure her parents would be there for her, because parents forgive and love the child no matter what. We are all human after all. We are prone to make mistakes.
My advice is not to go back to this man! No matter what he tells her, how much he will change and be a better person. If it happened more than once, you know he won't change. He had plenty of chances to do that. She should not go back if she wants her kids to be normal, or if she wants to stay alive. The country, depending on which one she is living in, will properly divide time among both parents, in order for the kids to spend time with both. You need to tell her that she needs to take care of herself and her kids. Forget the husband. He is worth nothing! It doesn't matter if he provides for the family or takes care of them if he is noting but an abusive animal. Money can't buy happiness. It can't buy you peace or take care of your worries. Think about how much this woman will suffer later on. She will probably have long term effects both physically and mentally. She will need a lot of counseling. The longer she stays, the worse it will be for her. When she dies, the husband won't even blink an eye!
My advice is to leave and never look back, no matter how hard it is. She may not want to or is afraid at the moment. Allah will be there for her. He is the best of all providers!
She will teach her children correct Islamic principles if she shows them the value of a woman and the respect that she may have for herself, for her children and her expectation of respect from any husband.
One of the greatest blessings of Allah in Islam is the rights and respect it gives to women, including khula, and she should have no religious shame in taking advantage of these rights in the situations for which they were created. Khula is a right for women precisely because of situations like these and Allah does not require the daughters of the ummah to be yoked to an unrighteous man who cannot submit to Allah.
Obviously, culturally and among family there may be embarrassment, but this embarrassment should never cause her to make a bad decision, she will have to pass through some embarrasment to do what is right for herself and her children.
As salamu alaykum, Fe,
I am happy that Allah(swt) has given your support and your Presence to your friend and her children, your love, caring and appreciation towards her is a blessing, and for me to know about your Presence is a blessing too.
The situation right now is that she is blocked and cannot move on in any direction, and as you have exposed, you have told her anything that can cross through a loving and caring person watching so much struggle, then, what will make her able to move, you talk about three men trying to persuade her about the decision to take, I have to admit that your friend is an incredible strong woman, just the fact of not moving towards their direction talks about her endurance.
I would highly recommend you to respect her time and I believe she is a very pious woman, then tell her to read Surah 112, 113, 114 three times, Surah Al-Fatiha and Ayat- Al-Kursi, before going to bed, in the morning after her salat, she should recite the following dua three times:"bismillahi ladi la yadoro ma'a smihi shay oun fil ardi wa la fi sama i wa houa sami' oul 'alim". These will give her the strength and the determination to do what is the best for her and her children, insha´Allah.
Show her, you know she will take the best decision, trust her, acknowledge her power, she is a strong, loving, caring, determined, religious, pious woman, she deserves all my respect.
What I think it is the best for her instead of focusing in possible daydreaming futures, it is to focus, in now and here, I am sorry for being tough on this, but it is very important that she has all her energy focused in Allah(swt), remember that if we go to Him crawling, He comes walking, and if we walk, He runs towards us, this is her strength and the strength of her children, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.
Always Alhamdulillah, she is going through a tough test, but always Alhamdulillah, even when the tears fall down her cheeks, Alhamdulillah, I know that I am being tough, but this is a tough test that will bring forward the woman she is called to be, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.
Tell her when a doubt come to her mind: "Audhu billahi minash shaytanii Ar Rajeem" our lives belong to Him, He is Al-Malik.
Go, day by day, and give everything to Allah(swt), you, your friend and her children are in Allah´s(swt) Hands, remember to recite the Names of Allah(swt) and his Attributes, everytime you have the opportunity, feel it in your Heart, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.
I will keep you all in my prayers, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If she feels fear at any moment, or if she seems to forget about what I am telling you, tell her to go on, even when everything will turn not as expected, tell her to go on, she has to trust beyond reason, everything will be the best for her and her children, but she can´t faint till she get it, Allah(swt) listens and watchs her and her children, when it seems she forgets remember her, "Bismillahi Ar-Rahmani, Ar-Raheem", she will recognize the call, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.
La ilaha illah Allah.
Allah(swt) knows best.
María
IslamicAsnwers.com Editor
Salaam aleikum
Jazakallah for all the motivated replies. She has access to this page and we would be great full if more people could share their views.
Wa aleikum salam
FE.
Dear FE,
It is simple and clear. Her husband is abusing her, so she must leave him. Life is a blessing from Allah and if anyone is endangering her and children's life and mental well being, she has an obligation to protect herself and her children from that person or thing. What would she do if she found herself standing in a battlefield with her children? Would she stand there and let her and her children be gunned down to death, or would she run for her life?
We cannot issue any Fatwas here. The sister needs to go to a qualified Imam to get the Khula process started. I am 100% sure that no qualified Imam will refuse to support her. From what you have stated in your post, it seems that the Imam she has been consulting with does not have her best interests at heart. She needs to speak to an independent Imam and one who does not have an ulterior motive or one who is not under the influence of her husband.
If she lives in the UK, London, she can contact the Shariah Council in Leyton or Baker Street, they will help her inshaAllah. Alternately, if you tell us which country/region she lives in, we may be have an Editor in that country/region who could put her in contact with a good Imam.
'FE', the best thing you can do for your friend is to give her moral support and a place to stay. Give her strength, keep reminding her that she knows better than her children right now. They are young and whether they kick and scream, your friend needs to be strong and not give into them. If she shows them she is strong, this will help the children to calm down. Eventually they will get used to not living with their father. Tell your friend that this process will be a difficult one, but once she has crossed the bridge, things will be better for her inshaAllah. I am very shocked that her brother is not supporting her. She is fortunate to have you as a friend as you are looking out for her. Just keep being there for her and be her rock. She has done the right thing by moving out.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Saalam dear sis FE.
Alhumdulilah that she has a good friend like you - May Allah reward you for this -continue supporting her throughout this difficult time
I just want to say that I completely agree with sister Z on this matter.
Your friend is doing the right thing and should not stay with such a man. As human beings we often waver easily or doubt our decision. Of course it really doesnt help that he is manipulating her in this way. Reassaure her that she is making the right choice.. and if she needs to contact another masjid, she should do so. She should not give in to her childrens crys or her husbands manipulation. Her children will be traumatised and her son may think such behaviour towards women is normal (Allah forbid) so she should not return. Although I havent added anything new - I just wanted to share my view also.
I will make dua for her InshaAllah
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Well.., let me start dis way..it's really bad nd sad 2 ve such a news happening in reality among d muslim umma. My advice 2 dis woman is never 2 go back 2 dis man b/c dis man never cherish nd loves her 2 d extend dat he is beating in front of her kids.. I dont tink any geniun, unbaised nd a God fearing imam will reject giving dis woman peace of mind..pls dear, i dont think it is necessary 2 go on consulting schoolers.ALLAH WILL SUBTITUTE IN PLACE OF HIM ANOTHER PIOUS, LOVING, CARING ND RELIGIOUS MAN DAT WILL TAKE CARE OF HER ND HER CHILDREN
First off, the poor lady should IMMEDIATELY seek legal representation for legal seperation from that evil.
I am sorry, but whomever recommended 'working out the situation and getting back with' is full of crap.
Such men are losers and deserve to go to hell.
I hope this lady finds peace and comfort in divorcing this backward crazy man.
the answer is very simple, please everyone, don't complicate thing. She must leave them. No if and buts about it.
i would like to express my feelings in urdu
mayray khayal may ye sub kuch islam say dory ky bina par ho raha hay. ap ne husband ky ghalati or zulam to bayan kar dia hay lakin wife k baray may itna kaha k wo just apni feelings express karti hy, ap ne ye nai bataya kay wife kin alfaz may express karti hy.
any how point ye hy kay in kay halat kaisay tek hon,
bohat pehlay aik kahani pharhy ty jis ky same situation ty jo yaha hy to wo orat aik buzorg kay pas gaye jis ne os orat ko aik taweez dia kay jab tumhara husband laraee karnay pe otar aye to ye taweez danto k darmeyan daba laina or khamosh rehana phir is taweez ka kamal daikna, os orat ne aisa he kia jab be os ka shohar laree krta wo foran wo taweez danto k darmeyan daba laiti to shohar jab bivi ko khamosh daikta to thori dair bad chup ho jata isy tarha ahista ahista wo thek ho gya. jab kuch mudat bad os orat ne wo taweez khol kar daika to os may likha hoa ta ab be khmosh rehna.
or mayri dosri guzarish ye hay kay wo apnay gar say t.v ko nikalay or islam k kareeb ho.
allah ap ka hami wa nasir ho
Translated from Urdu into English by IslamicAnswers Editor. I do not understand the 1st paragraph, hence have only translated from the 2nd paragrah as:
This is an old story about a couple in the same situation as yours. The lady went to see a wise elderly person who gave her a taweez. She was instructed to place this taweez between her teeth, to bite on it and remain quiet everytime her husband began arguing with her and then she would see great results. So everytime her husband started arguing with her, she would bite on the taweez and when her husband saw remaining silent, he go quiet after a short while. With this continuing, the couple eventually stopped arguing altogether. After sometime, the lady opened the taweez to find the words: "And remain quiet now aswell." My other request is this, they remove the TV from their home and come closer to Islam.
taveez [in urdu]=ta'weeth['arabi]
which literally means something to take refuge with in.
please please pay attention, it is the unanimous concensus of the scholars that using any charms, amulets for any sort of protection is shirk, outrigh shirk.some are major shirk, some come into minor shirk depending on ones intention.
to believe that by biting on some amulet, your husbands beatings are going to escape, miss you is partnership with Allaah.
there is absolutely no one to help stop your husband from beating you except Allaah.
"and if he afflicts you with something, none can remove it but he"Qur'aan
i truely hope you read this.
please transliterate/translate into urdu for thebrother
the story that i mentioned in my early response is a true story, and the wise old man is hakeem ommat hazrat thanvee, who was a great islamic scholar. and that taveez was empty except one advise was written on it, so there was no shirk involve.
there are fitwas on taveez that if some words from quran or islamic words are written on taveez than it is halal and it is like dua or pray for help from ALLAH.
i hope you would understand the point now.
taveez [in urdu]=ta'weeth['arabi]
which literally means something to take refuge with in.
please please pay attention, it is the unanimous concensus of the scholars that using any charms, amulets for any sort of protection is shirk, outrigh shirk.some are major shirk, some come into minor shirk depending on ones intention.
to believe that by biting on some amulet, your husbands beatings are going to escape, miss you is partnership with Allaah.
there is absolutely no one to help stop your husband from beating you except Allaah.
"and if he afflicts you with something, none can remove it but he"
Qur'aan
the prophet[saww] also said to sayyidnaa 'Ali when he sent him on an important conquest "Oh 'Ali, donot leave a grave stone larger than a handspan except you destroy/reduce it, and donot leave a single person/camel with an amulet/charm/taveez,ta'weeth[whatever else its called] except you take it off them [by force]"
i truely hope you read this.
please transliterate/translate into urdu for thebrother
Salaam alaykum
Sister my case is so similar to yours... there is no way you should consider to return. "A believer is not bitten from the same hole twice."
I left once, and went back... and alhamdulillah I lived to regret it.... meaning I am lucky to be alive after what I was subjected to! He will never change, and eve if he did, why would you think to let him touch you again? I have left again, this time for good inshaAllah.
Allahu akbar! Now is a time of struggle, but it is all for His SWT sake, to keep your life and the life of your children intact, to educate them well, and to teach them that such behaviour is not acceptable to Allah SWT.
Ignore the nonsense about the amulets (a'udhubillah from shirk!)and it's not-so-subtle message that *you* should bite your tongue! As any survivor of abuse will tell you, the abuse happens whether you shut up or argue back, whether to defend yourself or just take the beatings. There is no right or wrong way to react because there is never, ever any reason for the abuse!
I am praying for you sister, be strong in your faith in Allah SWT. And please pray for me too!
de