Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Her husband says her child is haram

Muslim children

Assalaam Alaikum...

Just wanna ask something regarding Haram Child. My friend was got married to a muslim guy and maashalla she converted to Islam. Her story goes like this. When she was 20 of age she had her 1st baby out of wedlock and never been married to the father of her child. She didn't do abortion and never neglected the child. She raise her up by her own.

And after 7 years she met this muslim guy who loves her so much and accepts her and her child. And got married with him for a year now but still doesn't have baby from him for some medical issues.  The husband's family didn't know about the child because he knows they will not accept her and they will make them split apart, but her husband loves her so much and willing to adopt the child.

The question is, what shall they do with the child because her husband tells her the child is haram child. She wants Allah forgiveness but she didn't know if she was forgiven already, she's praying and asking Allah's forgiveness for almost a year now. Lastly is it allowed for the husband to adopt the haram child? They don't know what to do with the child now shall they give the child to a relative of the wife to take care. I don't even know what best advice to give to them.

Please give her a good and best advice so they can live their life with joy, peace and with Allah's guidance and blessing.

Thank you very much, I'm looking forward to read a best solution for their problem.

- a1213

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14 Responses »

  1. Dear 'a1213', Walaykumsalaam,

    I am sorry for what your friend is going through and may Allah reward you for looking out for her. You have raised a few issues here and I shall tried to answer as best as I can inshaAllah:

    1) Her child is not haraam, the act that she committed in conceiving the child out of wedlock was haraam. The child is like any child is pure and innocent. If her husband has seemingly accepted your friend and her child, why does he refer to him/her as 'haraam'? InshaAllah the child will not have to grow up hearing that he/she is 'haraam', as this will no doubt have a very negative impact on him/her. So what should they do with the child? They should treat him/her with love and care as with any other child.

    2) You say your friend wants Allah's forgiveness, she has been praying and repenting for almost a year now and does not know if Allah has forgiven her. Does she not know that upon accepting Islam, all her previous sins were wiped out? The Prophet (saw) said, "Islam wipes out whatever sins came before it". In other words, her slate was wiped clean the day she accepted Islam. She needs to remain silent about her past sin now, she needs to avoid dwelling on it, avoid talking about it and move forward.

    3) With regards to your friend's husband adopting the child, yes he can take on responsibility of caring for the child as a Step-Father. But the child must retain his biological father's name, and if the biological father is unknown, then he would take his mother's name as his surname. With regards to the name matter, I would recommend you consult with a qualified Imam though as taking on the surname of the mother indicates that the child has been born out of wedlock and you do not want to publicize this fact.

    4) If your friend's husband is supposedly willing to accept the child, why should the child be given to a relative of his/her mother? What does the mother think about this? Is her husband pushing her to give her child away? If this is the case, his sincerity as a husband and step-father needs to be questioned.


    Dear Writer, please tell your friend that she has a beautiful gift from Allah in the form of a child. She has also been chosen by Allah as she has been guided to Islam. Upon accepting Islam, all her past sins were wiped out and she must accept this further gift of forgiveness from Allah. She has many things to be grateful for. She should raise her daughter happily with her husband. She should love her child and not let him/her feel that he is haraam, because he/she is not haraam. He/she is innocent like all children and she can instill pious and eman in him/her. Furthermore, if she cannot have any more children due to health issues, this is even more reason to hold on to this gem and to be grateful for her blessings. If she ever feels that her husband is not willing to look after her child, she must question this and remember her priorities as a mother.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. Dear SisterZ

    Salam, May Allah's blessing be upon you. Thank you for your advice, while waiting for my post to be publish there are some things happened. My friend called me one time and crying, she told me that she and her husband had a fight with regards with her child. She's getting confused about her husband true feeling about accepting her child. One time he told her that just let her child stay with her sister in their country and he only allows her to call her child once a month and it's hurting her that her husband is acting like he doesn't want the child anymore to be with them. and her husband is always getting angry when she trying to tell something about her child, that as if he making her feel bad about her self for having a child. she's feeling sometimes that she made a wrong choice in life of marrying her husband but she loves him so much that she even say yes to her husband to just give her child to her sister just to make her husband feel better and not for them to separate.
    But I know what she did is like abandoning her child which i know she didn't mean or want. I use to tell her to ask Allah's help with her situation. Ask for guidance and help her to bring the child with them and convince her husband to accept it. and I know it'll be better for the child to be raised in islam way.
    Anyway your advice will help her alot. I will be sending this to her so she will be guided.

    Thank you very much

  3. Dear sister

    SisterZ's advice is bang on, and your freind should find guidance from it insh-allah. But having read your second post it seems that the husbands true nature is becoming apparent.
    I' m not sure how it comes across to you or your friend but from what I can deduce its that her husband cannot and will not accept her child from a previous relationship. And this in no way should relfect badly on him, maybe he's a good husband in all other aspects, but I know personally that men have a extrmely hard time accepting that thier wife had been in a sexual relationship before becoming thier wife.
    Even if he accepts the child, there will always be times when he will bring this matter up which will forever create tension within the relationship. It takes a great man with a huge heart to calmly accept such a situation and live pateintly with it. I don't think your friends husband is capable of this- well not yet anyway.

    Your freind will be torn between her child (an innocent blamelessgift from God) and her husband who if he at least tried could make his wifes life a bit simple, but refuses to do so.
    My advice to your freind is that maybe as a temporary measure she should leave her child with her sister or a trusted relative- i know this will be very difficult- but she needs to do this if she wants to save her marriage- which again depends on how much she loves her husband and is willing to stay with him.
    Maybe over time she can then work on him and see if he changes his mind- she needs to remind of the fact that she is having difficulty conceiving- that in itself could be a sign from Allah- this child could be the most important thing is his life- if God forbid they do not have children of their own- so he needs to be grateful.
    She should perhaps also get a Imam to speak to her husband on her behalf, perhaps teach him the value of sacrifice and patience, love and acceptance of his lot if life.

    I pray Allah makes it easy for her.

    • Thanks for your comment. my friends story was like this. before they got marrtied she cleared everything with her husband that she has a daughter and he accept it, he told her no problem he will treat her child as his child. but lately her husband is starting to act dif. he start hating the child and he doesn't want the child to be with them. I know its not easy for him to just accept everything that as if nothing was done from the past. But im feeling bad for my friends child because i know the child wants to be accepted and have a father figure as she grows up.
      Anyway for now my friend is working out to convince her husband of letting her child to be with them and be raised as muslim. But for now the child was staying with her sister as what her husband wants. Thank you very much for your comment Insha'allah she will understand also why is it hard for her husband to accept her child.

      • Asalamoalaikum sister aziza90,
        I am sorry to hear about your friend’s unfortunate situation. Although her husband may be a great man in other aspects, the deal was “her AND her daughter”. They both come as a package and he agreed to accept reality for the way it is. I do understand that it may be difficult for him but this was something that this woman made clear to him prior to marriage. He should have speculated and pondered over this life-long commitment. That child is not haram like sisterZ said, but the act she committed was. Rest assured, her slate has been wiped clean inshAllah.

        I just find it very disturbing and unjust for this poor little girl who had no say to come in this world through whichever way (haram or halal), to suffer the consequences of her parent’s actions and now she is being forced to stay without her mother? I can imagine how much pain she must feel for being “abandoned” in a way. She deserves and needs her mother’s love. This will leave a void in her if she doesn’t get her share of love which is her right. Tell your friend to sit down and talk to her husband but also consider this beautiful child’s life.

        Personally, if I were her I would tell my husband for the final time, look it’s my child and me—we come as a package and you said you’d accept us this way. I told you this initially, I cannot separate my blood and flesh from myself. You are being unjust with this innocent child and Allah swt is looking and observing. I need my child and my child needs me. We need you also but you are not recognizing the importance of my child for me. I really love you but you need to accept us both, not just one of us.

        Tell your friend to ask herself this question, if her husband does not agree to take the daughter back, can she live without her daughter for the rest of her life? Can she “punish” her daughter like this? I just feel this motherly instinct ‘awaken’ in me and if someone tells me to push my offspring on the side; I personally can’t and I’m sure your friend is in a lot of pain and may surely be feeling the same.

        I do hope that her husband agrees to take the daughter back, but if he doesn’t then what will she do then? Does she intend to stay with him or ask for divorce (khulla) so at least her child is with her safe and sound? The way I see it as, this child is being deprived of both her father and mother’s love and that’s something that brings me immense pain—it just isn’t fair for this innocent child to suffer.

        -Helping Sister

  4. thank you all for your advise. my friend would like to let you know how greatful she was. I was reading to her all your comments through phone and she told me that all your advise to her will be a great help. for sisterZ and helping sister's advise it touch her that it even make her cry, maybe she feels like somebody understand how she feels. Insha'allah soon things will be fix on Allah's will.

    Im also thankful that there is sisters and brother that devote their time on helping our sisters and brothers that facing problems. Thank you and may Allah bless you all.

  5. Salam Sister's and Brothers.

    Just an update about my friend, this morning my friend give me a call and was crying. I am really feeling sorry about her. She had decided to give her child to her sister back to their country because her husband finally tell what he feels towards the child, that he really cannot accept her child and he told her that he doesn't want that their marriage will end just because he cannot stand her child. He told her that everytime he see the child it's making him angry and breaks his heart. It reminds him always about his wife's past.

    I know this breaks my friends heart but what she always want is to have a family and husband who will accept her and her child. Although his husband is willing to support the child but he doesn't want the child to stay with them. She can only visit her 1 month every year and can talk to her child once a month.

    Anyway just wanna share her final decision. Thanks.

    • Wasalam, sister a1213,

      Thank you for sharing, I am going to be harsh, but the situation shows to be very delicate.

      My Heart cries tears of blood for your friend´s child, having a mother and not being able to grow up with her, must be one of the most painful experiences a person can live in this world.

      Sister, why do you allow this man to make you feel so dirty and unsecure? and why do you allow him to call your own blood a haram child? Your child is blessed not being close of your husband that is full of hate towards her, she is an innocent human being which only fault was to bless you with her Presence.

      This man can be "inlove" but I don´t think this is the Real Love your friend deserves. Today is the child what remembers him of her past, what would be tomorrow? Tell her to ask Allah(swt) to open her eyes to what is real and to what she should do for real to fulfill her task in this life, I don´t think the way her husband is behaving that they are building up strong roots for a marriage, basing a marriage on hate and lies, and building up a family destroying other one, doesn´t sound good to me, Allah(swt) knows best.

      Tell her to recite the Names of Allah(swt) and His Attributes and everytime she feel disturbed or down, to recite these dua, tell her to write them:

      1. اللهم باعد بيني وبين خطاياي كما باعدت بين المشرق والمغرب اللهم نقني من خطاياي كما ينقى الثوب الأبيض من الدنس اللهم اغسلني من خطاياي بالثلج والماء والب
      Allahumma baa’id bayni wa bayna khataayaaya kama baa’adta bayna al-mashriqi wa’l-maghrib. Allahumma naqqini min khataayaaya kama yunaqqa al-thawb al-abyad min al-danas. Allaahumma ighsilni min khataayaaya bi’l-thalji wa’l-maa’i wa’l-barad.
      “O Allah, put a great distance between me and my sins, as great as the distance You have made between the East and the West. O Allah, cleanse me of sin as a white garment is cleansed from filth. O Allah, wash away my sins with snow and water and hail.” (Bukhari)

      2. Allaahumma innee (, you are female add: amatuka wa bintu abdika wa bintu amatika), naasiyatee bi yadika qadhin fiyya hukmuka ‘adlun fiyya qadhaa’uka as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fee kitaabika aw allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fee ilm al-ghaybi indaka an taj’ala al-Qur’ana al-rabee’a qalbee wa noora basaree wa jilaa’a huznee wa dhahaaba hammee

      (O Allah, I am your servant, son/daughter of your servant, my forelock is under your firm grips, Your decree in my case is sure to be realized, and Your judgment is just. I ask of You by invoking every single name that you possess, with which You have called Yourself, or You have revealed in Your scripture or You have instructed any of Your creation or You have kept hidden with Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen realities to make the Qur’an the spring of my hearts, light of my eyes, and dispeller of my grief and remover of my anxieties).

      Sister, you won´t ever find the kind of love your child will give to you in any other human being. I hope from all my Heart that your daughter will be blessed with the Power to Forgive you, herself, your husband and your future children and with the capability to know that is not her fault that you don´t want her with you, insha´Allah, and that Allah(swt) bless you with the capability to forgive yourself for the decision you have taken.

      All my Unconditional Love Respect and Support,

      María Editor

    • It's so unfortunate at times how blind love can make a person that they choose to even neglect their own offspring in the name of it.
      My heart goes out for her child, she does not deserve one bit of this.

      -Helping Sister

    • Im sorry to say this, but your friend has made a very unwise and pathetic decision to abandon her daughter.
      Her husband was the one who was transgressing his limit, not the ghild, what has she done?

  6. Assalam akaikum, i feel so bad sister for your friend. I di not know how some muslims lack a heart to love ans care. I do not know how why people use the woed LOVE if what they actually feel s hatred. That is barbaric. And for a mother to abandon her child foe a selfish man is unbelievable. We are muslums: we are nor animals. I detest this story and i pray that Allah will bring the child back to her mother, and awaken tbis muslim man from injustice. Allah hafiz

    • The child will grow up one way or another but this man and woman lost an opportunity with Allah SW.
      This woman is so much concerned about having a man in her life that she found it easier to give up her offspring than to stand up to her husband.
      Our choices reveal what’s truly important to us. There is another post similar to this one and that lady more or less made the same choice. Completely abandoned her kids because her husband didn't approve of it. AND they belelive they are the victim in the story.. no regard for the kids.
      I have heard it all now.

      • Muslims are suppose to take care of the orphans but what this mother does is the same as sebding her child to the orphanage. Truly, our choices reflects who we are. I am so disappointed, so disappointed. This woman's sister might be able to love this child well but at the end of the day, deep inside this child's heart and mind will be a longing for her mother- the only person, after Allah, who can look into her child's eyes and read and feel her emotions without words. No ine can give the kind of love thAt completes a child's life abd happiness asude from her true parents. Lots of parent even send their babies back home to be taken cared of by the grandparents- i do not question the grandparent's love, but i do question the parents' , esp if there s no urgent reason to do so. How can 2 people come together in marriage, have kids, then give their kids away to their parents? Don't our parents deserve to retire from child-rearing at this point of their life. After long years of sacrifices and taking care of us since we were babies, don't our parents deserve to be taken cared of now instead of becoming our babtsitters?im just too emotional now and i went further. Sister, pls tell your friend to keep her child, her husband does not love her. Wake her uo from her nightmare. It is time for her to call on Allah dor guidance as she is losing her way. Let her stand for her child; let her struggle to suppress her illogical quest for an ubreasonable love, let her struggle for good, for justice, for truth- this is her true JIHAD.

  7. Salam sisters and brothers...

    I know my friends decission was really questionable and unfair. I feel like there is fear in my friends hearts and too much pain. I feel like what makes her decide like this was from fear not because of love. She use to call me almost every 3 to 4 days and she always crying. I feel like there is something more behind her decuision.

    She tried to explain to her husband how the her child needs her, and it ends up her husband was threatening her. as a friend I can only help her by reading all your advices to her cause I myself was still studying quran and islam. Insha'allah all your advuices will give her strength to do the right thing without fear and with Allah's help.

    thank you sisters fior your advice, specially the dua.

    may Allah bless you.


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