Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Her husband tells every minor thing to his mother


A friend of mine is going through a one to many marriage relations. I mean the relation of trust between husband and wife should limit to the two, no one can ask for the same trust as they do on each other. My friend is living in a joint family system where most of the house chores are looked after by her MIL and husband remains unaware of these. When ever she has a confusion or issue regarding health or home matters and she referes to her husband, her hubby at first place get mad to why she hasn't told it yet. Then he forces it to be conveyed to his mother even if she don't want to, even if she wants just a friendly advice or support from him, he conveys every homely matters to his mother. She has no trust in her MIL and she feels like how her mil will be thinking about her conduct with her husband because she (her mil) also want her DIL to tell everything to her. Also sometimes the issue isn't that big how much her hubby takes it and convey to his mother, then she feels ashamed before her MIL about her repo. Because her hubby don't understand that somethings can be kept secret, somethings are not meant to overreacted on, somethings are just insecurities that can be self handled without informing his mother. she says: "if she refuses him to discuss it with her mother, he says 'then why have you told it to me." Also there's a point that trust is a two way relations. How can her MIL expect her to tell everything when she herself keeps thing hidden. Can it be forced to trust someone?


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15 Responses »

  1. I mean, she agreed to marry a man that wants the pair of them to live with his entire family, what did she expect would happen by agreeing to this terrible scenario? I have a great relationship with my in-laws, but I'd never want to live with them, because living with parents (usually) automatically means they will treat you like you're still 10 years old.

    Has your friend told her husband that she cannot tolerate his behaviour? This is no way to live, honestly - I'd suggest your friend moves out of her in-laws' house if her husband doesn't stop being a little snitch, and take it from there...

    • So you saying once a person gets married he should dump parents by not staying with them ?
      Staying at different places is more or less dumping them as in today's world as its not possible to take care of parents in old age by visiting at different place as life is so busy and hectic.

      When you become old you want your son to dump you after getting his wife ?

      • Are you actually serious? I guess you are.

        You are an extremely narrow person if you think people wanting to live in their own space with their spouse = dumping one's parents. Let me tell you what I think:

        Yes, I do believe married couples should absolutely NOT live with either party's parents, siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. Especially when we are relating this sort of dumb arrangement to cultures where parents are extremely controlling, demanding, unfair and even cruel. There's just NO good reason why a married couple should share a room in their parents' house.

        I live in my own house with my husband - but we live literally 5 minutes away from both of our parents. We see them every day, we help them every day, they help us every day, we eat meals together several times a week. In what way have we exactly "dumped" our parents?

        Also, Allah has given women the right to live in their own household with their husband and kids - so why are YOU, a mere mortal, trying to guilt trip people into enduring the suffering of having to live with in-laws? Talking about "dumping" parents when the talk falls on independence, and making independence out to be some sort of crime against humanity (or should I say parents)?

        It's not an Islamic duty, nor is it a moral duty, to live with your parents until they die. You, as a Muslim, have the right to live your own life and live independently with your spouse and children. And if your parents love you, they'll want you to live your own life, too. Seriously, with your weird logic people have to put their life on hold for as long as their parents are alive. Like, if you get an amazing job opportunity on the other side of the world, you think a Muslim is obliged to turn that down in order to be able to go grocery shopping with their parents three times a week? What nonsense.

        Let me tell you what dumping parents means: It means you cut contact to them. It means you never call them. Never see them. That you deliberately avoid them and put a distance between yourself and them. It means you stop caring about them. Stop helping them. Stop asking about them. That you are ungrateful of and to them. Take advantage of them when it suits you. How do you do all of that just by living in your own house? LOL.

        • If you can afford to have multiple homes nearby doesn't mean that everybody in the world can have that arrangement .
          Your are generalizing situation with your case (affordability of having multiple homes) and other corner cases like going out for jobs etc etc and justifying Dumping in your manipulative words .
          There are parents who are old and can not manage own their own and need help .Definitely phone calls will not help . Some parents need help to take medical treatments like monitoring Insulin levels ,taking daily insulin and getting food etc etc and definitely staying at different places(not everybody can afford to get 5 min distance homes near each other) will not work .

          This kind of behavior from adult kids towards their parents is definitely Dumping them and justifying the actions by manipulating words .

          I am sure these kids who have dumped their parents will get it back when they became old and need the helping hand of their kids .

          Your explanation justifying dumping of parents shows selfish nature

        • Ma'am, you seem to be quite an arrogant person.

          Let me detail a scenario for you; please do help me with a solution.

          My mother is 70 years old, she can barely walk (weakened due to medications for paranoid schizophrenia - a condition she has had for over 2 decades now - which she has to continue for the rest of her life) and has, at times, passed stool before she could reach toilet. She sleeps/lies on bed most of the time, cannot chew food properly and often is not able to hear when called out. Further, she recently had a pacemaker added to control irregular heartbeats.

          My father is almost 80 years old. He's weakened rapidly after his accident 5 years ago and is now almost skin-and-bones. He has been a patient of blood pressure since 50 and recently has shown signs of, possibly, a major heart disease. Normally of a calm & quite demeanor, he can be verbally abusive and doesn't even spare his own children, if instigated (probably on account of his blood pressure).

          So, do you think I can accord myself the privilege of leaving both of them on their own devices, even if we "literally" live 5 minutes away ?

          The only way I see this need for "personal space" is a towering ego. As long as in-laws aren't being physically abusive, women can always find a way to peacefully co-exist with the husband's family. Life is not a bed of roses and virtually never gives the kind of privileges you seem to be enjoying with your husband's family.

          So, please, quit being narcissistic and dismissive of men posting on this forum. Not every man is on a mission to destroy his wife's life; most of us love our spouses and are just trying to peacefully balance family on one hand and spouse on the other.

          • Okay everyone, let us please eliminate the personal attacks from the discussion. You can disagree without name-calling and personal criticism. This is for everyone.


      • And yes, if I have children, I wouldn't want them to live in my house with their spouse and children. Both for their sake and my own sake. I'd hope my children want to live close by and visit me often, but, no, I wouldn't want to live with screaming kids and other people's spousal arguments when I'm old and I want my sleep and peace of mind.

        • When you really hit old age then your view will change .
          Some old parents need help while walking ,to arrange food ,to take medical treatment like insulin etc etc .They need some one to talk , some one nearby them .
          Old age when you become physically week you need some one near you .

  2. Star,
    Don't speak for me and assume what I will feel when I get old. We clearly come form two different worlds and we are never going to see eye to eye on anything. That's that, no use arguing about it. So instead of wasting online space on disagreeing with me, how about you HELP OP and give YOUR brilliant and perfect advice to her? Go on. Let's see what your solution to her problem is, lol.

    Also, all that talk about the poor elderly that can't take care of themselves...well, by reading all the stories on this site of what "the poor elderly" do to their son's wives, they sound very healthy and energetic to me. I mean, you've got to be if you have the will and power to torment people in your life, abuse them, gossip about them, create problems between them and their spouse, and whatnot.

    • You go girl! I agree with all your responses.
      LOL- Old people are not weak, they have energy and strong mind to make daughter-in-laws life miserable

      • Your view are anti parents and Anti Islamic . Below are few references for believers.

        "Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or more attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, "my Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood." (Quran 17: 23-24)

        "We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth." (Quran 46:15)

        Narrated Mu’awiyah ibn Hayadah: I said: Apostle of Allah! To whom should I show kindness? He replied: Your mother, next your mother, next your mother, and then comes your father, and then your relatives in order of relationship. The Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said: If a man asks his slave whom he freed for giving him property which is surplus with him and he refuses to give it to him, the surplus property which he refused to give will be called on the Day of resurrection as a large bald snake.
        Sunan of Abu-Dawood – Book 41 Hadith 5120

        • Star,

          I respect your opinion. But I am a victim of joint family system. Before my marriage three years ago, I too believed joint family is a blessing and if you are good to others, they will be good to you as well.
          But after my marriage i found out i was wrong. my MIL made my life hell since start. She controlled everything of my life, taunted me, never get happy with me. But i never replied her back, never misbehaved her and due to all these tensions I had a miscarriage. For her pregnant daughter she used to say she is not well. she should take rest. she used to visit her mother every second day. while for three months i was not allowed to go out of house not even to meet my mother. two times she just on a little issue raised question on my character in front of my husband. very tough time I had. then my FIL died, she felt more insecure and started created problems between me and my husband.
          Three years of my married life 3 times I came to my parents because i was unable to live in such circumstances. 1 time my father came to settle our dispute created by my MIL . then when my husband raised his hand on me because of a fight created by his mother on an issue that was if i dont want to ask her permission for going outside with my husband then why my husband forces me for it?
          for the first time i complained to my husband that i take care of your mom whole day still she is doing these things to me and fight started and he slapped me. I came to my parents home and asked him for separate accommodation and after waiting for 10 months my husband divorced me
          i was happy with my husband. He was a tough man too but i was happy with him because i loved him. things which always pinched me and compelled me to leave that home was behavior of my MIL. otherwise i could manage my life with my husband. He claimed to love me too but he left me.
          I asked him a question and to you as well:
          after divorce my life would be much difficult or by putting me in a separate home his mother life being a widower would have been difficult?
          To take care of one's parents is his own responsibility not wives. She made my life hell.
          Also, parents having no son when get old, then who should take care of them? if its only son and his wife's responsibility?
          Concept of joint family is just a curse to this society. Just make lives hell.
          please i dont want to condemn anybody by my words
          I apologise if my stance or words hurt. but actually i am going through much pain. I am in Iddah period. I still love my husband unable to forget him. I held responsible only his mother for it.

    • So freaking true!!

      I've only ever seen women mostly complain about the pathetic ways their inlaws are treating them.Obviously these people are not old and frail!! And they include some very healthy sister inaws!

      Also why do most men assume that when some women talk about separate living it conclusively means "dumping" parents. Couldn't get any funnier.

      Are they saying their wives dumped their own parents to come and live in with him. Or are the wives parents' withering away because they are old? Why no sympathy for your wives' parents??

      These same men will cherry pick verses from the Qur'an about TREATING your parents which in their binary minds means involving their wives to take care of their parent. Yes its a moral obligation to support and help the spouse in keeping HIS duties to his parents.

      But Islam gives a women right to ask for her own accomodation according to what is reasonable. Whether it is a separate home or a neighboring home or a home with separate kitchen and rooms. Why do men who quote verses forget this important right of the wife? Or are they saying that Islam asks us to "dump" parents astaghfirullah.

      No one is talking about frail 70 and 80 yo parents with health problems. Obviously women here ate talking about 50+ parents who are healthy alhamdulillah but still have an obsession to control their child's life and spoil the life of another's child who chose to marry their son.

  3. The husband is the one who needs to grow up, protect his wife's confidences and tell his mother with all respect NOTHING. The wife may consider not sharing her confidences with her husband and the husband might want to be told this. That when she speaks to him, he has every obligation to not discuss her personal conversations with anyone. That is the Muslim way. When we to speak complimentary about others if it is not common knowledge that may even be considered backbiting. It is even worse when someone shares a confidence and the person who learns of it speaks about it to others. The lady's husband does not seem to understand what marriage is about and is falling short of his duties to his wife. If the wife is unhappy living with her in-laws, the husband may have to provide housing somewhere else for her.

  4. Salamu alaykum!!!
    I lived with my MIL under the same roof with those that are taking care of her...
    My husband have the attitude of telling her everything that happens btwn us two....I don't have any secret btwn I and my husband.... He most go to her and tell her....
    He is the typ that can't hide anything...any small thing he most tell my parents o inform his friends.....
    He can't hide anyfn
    This has lead to a stage that the mother calls and insult me for every minor thing in that house....
    Its my house but she's under control of everything
    I have been patient with her
    But things doesn't work the same for me....
    Wat advice can u gimme on how to cont staying in peace with everyone in that house...
    Thank you

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