Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He’s changed after nikah, but we’re due to get married in 3 years – how will I cope with his anger?

Young woman looking thoughtful, pensive

Aoa.

I live in Saudi. About 10 months back at my brother's wedding I saw this guy 'D' who was a friend of my brother, I developed feelings for him. I stalked him on facebook once but then I tried to forget about him cause I knew It was not going anywhere and I shouldn't assume anything based upon my 'love at first sight' cause I never believed in such things. Back at the wedding D's mother had also come and he was looking for a decent girl for D. Then one day at home, some days after the wedding my brother said, ''D's mother was asking about a cousin F of ours she saw at the wedding..for D''. when I heard this I really couldn't digest the thought of D getting married to F cause I really liked him. Just then I asked my friends if I should send D a message on fb and tell him about my feelings. My friends weren't really happy about this since we knew nothing about D in real.

Afterwards I did send him a message, to which he replied shortly. My friends tell me often that I'm very emotional kind of person and make big decisions of my life in seconds without thinking about it. Anyways he told me all about himself and his family and he said that he really liked my family but he would do nothing to ruin his and my brother's friendship and that he really respects his friend's sisters.

And I told him that I don't want to have an affair or something with him ,that I had feelings for him and before his mom gets him engaged to F if he is willing to think about me, then he said that his mom has seen me in some of the family occasions and she has been telling him about me but since he really cared about his friendship with my brother and didn't want to do anything which could ruin it so he said no. But now that I had told him about my feelings and he already knows about my family, he'll talk to his mother.

In short, his mother agreed quickly and in a very short time we got engaged cause my parents knew him through my brother and after 4 months of engagement, our parents decided to do our nikaah for the religious purposes.

In the beginning months of our engagement he was so nice to me and the most loving fiancé of this world, he still is. But then slowly I was getting aware of his short tempered nature. I myself am a bit of angry person but not the way he is.

Okay I get it, he is the man. But after nikaah he would get angry on petty issues make a huge deal of it. Yes most of the times I didn't keep my mouth shut when he was angry and that would make him more angry but now I realized I shouldn't do it. The thing is that when he is angry he starts abusing me, my parents, curses my family.

I study at medical school so I have to study a lot but he has problem with it cause I don't give him his needed attention. Though I have been trying hard to be in contact with him via phone 24/7 but now that my exams are around the corner I can't be in contact with him all the time.

We have been engaged for like 10 months now. After our engagement and nikaah we met like 6/7 times. On front, he is really a nice guy and never really misbehaved with me. But on phone he says all kinds of bad things when he is angry. He abuses me, says that I'm worthless, that I can't make him happy. He is fed up of me. He wants to have phone and video sex with me at least once a week , and I don't know how to satisfy him in such unnatural means, then he says you can't satisfy your husband in sex and I'm like Come on it's not even real.

I ask his permission wherever I go. I started doing naqab for him in the hospital , I'm in contact with him most of the times, I do kind of run away from that phone and video sex cause it seems so weird to me then he says You don't have such feelings for me, what kind of wife you are. And I tell him This is not even real, you'll be really happy and satisfied with me after we get married and he is like phone and skype is all we have for now.

We have a time period of 3 years till our wedding. I don't know how I'm going to deal with Him and my tough studies at the same time. I wouldn't have had any problem if he got angry once every week but he gets angry almost every second day which has made my life hell. And then he is like I'm fed up of you, you don't seem to understand me, you never listen to me.

He is a very supportive person in matter of my studies but when his angry side shows up, he won't even care about that. He loves me a lott and I know that for sure. He is bringing me gifts all the time. And I always tell him not to waste money like that but he says I do it from my heart. He is an extremely emotional person, yet loving, yet completely a moron when he is angry. He can't spend even a day without talking to me but I'm so fed up of his temperament , when he gets upset with me he doesn't even get normal quickly. It may take a day or two.

Here my life is becoming a hell and I keep on thinking I have had enough there he has started saying that he is fed up. I even talked to him about getting married soon, but he says he isn't financially stable right now for that. I really don't know what to do. He keeps calling me when he is angry, abuses me and then ends the call and then calls me again and the cycle repeats.

Sometimes in the midst of night when I'm asleep, he sends me messages like I can't live without you, I love you so much. And when I see these messages I really get melted but then due to some petty issue he gets angry the other day. Also most of the times he threatens me of committing suicide after we've had a fight.

I need help.

Abida

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42 Responses »

  1. Abida,

    If you think for one moment this mans behavior will change once you are married...you are dead wrong. He is abusive now and that is just a taste of what is to come. If you think you are living in hell now...you haven't a clue just how bad it can and will get. I advise you to look deep within and think long and hard. You have an opportunity to stop things in their tracks and take this no further. This man has you performing sex acts via the web, telling you that you are worthless and God knows what else. Imagine if you feel this way now, how will you feel when you in fact wed and have children? You are on a one way road to destruction and you either put the brakes on or suffer the consequences which will be a life of abuse and misery. That is not a maybe or possibly...that is reality.

    Salam

  2. I agree with above and would think twice being with this guy permanently. Abusive behavior has its consequences and can lead to complications in your life. He is also emotionally abusing you which is not right by anyone. This man is not worth the time as it will get worse. I honestly think YOU need to pull the courage to leave him, you deserve better and don't look back.

  3. Sorry I donot Agree with above suggestion!!

    You made decision of proposing him in haste but DONOT make decision of leaving him in haste.
    He is your brother best friend so must have good qualities to maintain good human relations. All your family likes him.

    Reassess your situation and tackle it smartly . Find out what are trigger factors that makes him angry and try to avoid that. You yourself admitted that you have anger issues too. Control your anger. Consult with your brother may be( I'm not sure about it though),
    Main issue is phone contact with each other. Limit that if you can.

    He is emotional and so are you and that is why things are not fitting in at this time but give this relation more time and patience along with tacts , instead of QUITING as it is possible again you will regret another of your decision made in haste.

    • Thanks Gracias . I'll act upon your advice 🙂 and you are right , Both of us are emotional and angry persons that maybe the reasons things are going haywire , I tried a thousand of times to limit the phone contact but he 'can't bear my absence' -_- as well, knowing that the phone contact is creating a lot of problems which does show he's quite immature. Pls read my 2nd detailed post as well.

  4. Hi sister, salam,

    Your case is not so hard..

    The key for your success is to get married officially or anyway and be together.. infact you are already married as you said you did nikah, It is normal that someone you did nikah will miss you and want you either in sex, close to him..

    I can't see this guy is wrong.. just he got angry because they are not together.. why doing nikah to someone you love and then stay together? is that a family decision? if so then the problem is because of the family decision.. the solution is to get together asap.. 3 years is too much to be honest.. and it is normal to have such problem in everyway.. and this guy seem really love you and care for you.. His anger and the way he missed you who made him get angry with you.. just the way he got angry is a bit too bold.. but this is not a matter.. this can be solve with love.. but the solution is to be together and trust me , once you both live together as along as you are in nikah, these problem will stop.. and try to be very friendly to him.. be very open.. talk as a friend and then tell him don't talk to me this way but i understand you are angry and i know you miss me so much.. i know you love me so much.. i will try my best so that we be together in few months if possible.. just do me one favor, even when you get angry,. avoid using hurting words.. family etc.. , we love each other and we can deal thing between us and no need to interfere any family talk or whatever.. common "darling or whatever nice word you call him" we love each other.. ya? so lets be a good friend together.. at the same time a good lover.. a good husband and wife for each other.. say it with love.. smile.. also try to seduce him and talk about sex as a couple.. talk about anything like a friend.. lovers etc.. but avoid video sex.. because nowadays nothing are safe online.. everything recorded in a central database where we never know what can happen in the future since there are many conspiracy in this world nowadays..

    Sister, trust me, the problem is because they are not living together.. meeting even 7/7 doesnt make sence since it is different when you are spending you night with your lover.. sleep and wake up together.. it is 100% like meeting 7/7 . Get together as soon as possible.. make this decision by yourself but not by your family.. you have to make your family understand that..

    Engagement & nikah then stay separately for long is not really work! it is as if you you did not do nikah..
    that is why is it recommended that when you do nikah both partner must be together as soon as possible and enjoy each other in any way as long as they are happy..

    remember, Distance is a very dangerous thing for every relationship..

    distance can make your partner change dramatically
    distance can make your partner lost love and feeling for you..
    distance can make your partner to attract to another girl or man
    nikah will never help you as you may thought since you are not living together.. but living together in nikah, there are no better than it..

    By god will, hope you will be together as soon as possible and may you have a happy life exactly as you dreamed about it 🙂

    Good luck
    Uzzy

  5. My God people can give such advice of being so understanding about men. Wow they are actually advicing you to look to look for a silver lining in the dark and that u just accept it all. After all its love and he's your husband. Sister wake up you are still young and yes u made a mistake but u still have a chance to mend it. And your brother and family will care for your well being not his. The first 2 comments are vwry true. You are in hell now wait for later. A women needs a strong man to make her feel secure and respectful. Kill a person and apologies later what is that. You made a mistake now fix it and stop with this sex stuff on phone or any where. You need someone stabke in ur life and he is not one of them.

  6. It's a tough one, I'm not saying it's right that he gets angry or puts you down but before you decide to suddenly end things perhaps talk to him and find out why he is behaving in this way? If there are genuine reasons for his anger then these need to be addressed. If it's a part of his nature then suggest counselling or anger management to see if he will improve ? It is probably worth speaking to a wise elder in your fsmily to see what their suggestions and advice would be too?

    Also you mentioned that he is supportive and loving in other aspects, so
    If it's only this one thing that's bothering you then you need to try to address it together, he need to have insight into this problem and address it. Also reflect on yourself, are saying of behaving in a way that triggers his emotions negatively ?

    If however despite these efforts he is unwilling to discuss things or change for the better then ur better off leaving him now because as someone has already said it will only become worse after marriage.

    Anyway, marriage is not a joke and divorce is not the first solution, it's not a way out, divoece is the last resort, you must try everything possible to resolve this one major flaw he seems to have, if u can't and u see no future with him then I'm sure it's oknto divorce sooner rather than later and move on.

  7. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm not entirely sure why so many people don't seem to understand this, but Nikah = Marriage. If you've had a nikah with this man, the two of you are married. Whatever civil celebration or cultural traditions you wish to have, the nikah is what counts Islamically.

    Marriage gives both parties certain rights and responsibilities. It may be that, if the two of you aren't sure what your relationship status is (engaged or married?), that you are expecting different things and therefore becoming upset when the other doesn't do what you expected. It might help to sit down together (even over video calling) and clarify what rights and responsibilities you both have, and how to meet these.

    Sex seems to be a major issue, particularly for him - it sounds like sexual frustration is involved in a lot of your arguments. Part of his frustration is understandable: he's a married man, looking to enjoy some form of sexual contact with his wife, and getting rejected. On the other hand, he's wanting his wife to do explicit things on camera. I think people need to be really, really careful when they're thinking about doing things on camera - security issues could mean all kinds of people could have access to your videos (people running the sites, hackers, the government, criminals...). Basically, making explicit footage of yourselves and sending it over the internet is a really bad idea.

    If the two of you are wanting to be intimate, why not look into arranging to visit each other? Depending on how far away you are staying from each other at the moment, you might even be able to manage to meet up every few weeks. Medicine is a demanding field of study and to work in, so quite a few medical couples end up staying in different places during training - but with a bit of work, can still make time to see each other.

    His anger issues are concerning, and I think he needs to start to address these as soon as possible. How can a man fulfil his responsibilities as head of a Muslim household if his response to frustration is to yell at his wife and threaten to kill himself? If he's wanting to have his rights, he has to take the responsibilities as well. I'd suggest that he looks into some anger management counselling or if that isn't available where he is, that he looks at online resources to address it.

    I think that the main problem disrupting your relationship is difficulty in communication. The two of you need to be clear that if you have had your nikah, you are married, and then decide how you are going to go about building your relationship within that context. That doesn't necessarily mean dropping everything and moving in together - but the two of you need to know where you stand, and what the other person is prepared to do or not do in the relationship.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  8. OP: Here my life is becoming a hell and I keep on thinking I have had enough there he has started saying that he is fed up. I even talked to him about getting married soon, but he says he isn't financially stable right now for that. I really don't know what to do. He keeps calling me when he is angry, abuses me and then ends the call and then calls me again and the cycle repeats....Also most of the times he threatens me of committing suicide after we've had a fight.

    You husband seems to be emotionally unstable. I don't think living togather or sex is going to fix this problem.
    He seems to be a controlling and angry person. Does he talk about other people or his family upsetting him and making him angry?

    • SVS: um well yes it's not just me he's the angry person for. He's an angry person generally. And yes he does talk about other people or family members making him angry , then I try to calm him and tell him to look at the bright way and like see the positive in people. And yes I guess you are right about the controlling thing, he is that kind of person. But then some men are like that, isn't compromise something as well? If some wife really loves her husband , being controlled by him wouldn't bother her really, will it. And I don't mean in an abusive way but like in other ways . It's not that I'm a masochist or something lol. I just really love him.

  9. The negative comments on this post are really disheartening.

    Your fiancé/husband is in the wrong in terms of the way he speaks to you but it also seems like you're accepting of it. You need to make it clear from now that you won't accept him disrespecting you, maybe get your brother to speak to him if that helps. Figure out what angers him and if it something you can control then do so, but do not allow him to walk all over you like that. You're building the foundations of your marriage right now and you're setting the standard as to what is acceptable and what isn't. You say he loves you and has good qualities so that's great mashaAllah, you need to work on stabilising those good qualities and bringing out the best in him as much as you can.

    As a few others have suggested, he does sound sexually frustrated which is understandable. You are legally his wife and I know that culturally you don't consummate the marriage until the wedding but I think it's time people started breaking that habit espcially if the waiting period is long (3 years in your case)

    Men are wired differently to women, they need to feel wanted sexually especially by the woman that they love. It isn't haram for him to look at you or want to talk in a certain manner with you and it will upset him when you reject him because its a matter of pride which every man has. Consummating the marriage and living apart for now is something you may want to consider.

    I do not agree that you should leave him. Marriage is never easy. You need to figure him out. Have a sit down and talk about your likes and dislikes. Ask him what makes him angry and how you can get him out of that mood. Tell him what you expect from him and ask him what he expects of you. Marriage is about respect, understanding, compromise and patience.

    May Allah grant you endless love and peace in your marriage. Ameen.

    • ESS: Figure out what angers him and if it something you can control then do so, but do not allow him to walk all over you like that.

      Husband should learn to control his anger. What makes one angry is determined subconsciously by the person himself? Some people are angry with every one.

    • Thank you Ess for such a nice reply and prayer. It was so encouraging. 🙂

    • Ess: Ask him what makes him angry and how you can get him out of that mood.

      Abida says :"um well yes it's not just me he's the angry person for. He's an angry person generally. And yes he does talk about other people or family members making him angry"

      Seems like lot of people make this man angry, so you think every one should ask him what makes him angry and try to get him out of that mood. There are 2 ways to solve this, One was is every one asks him what makes him angry and try to get him out of his anger. Other way is this person changes and learns how not to be angry.

  10. Assalam alaikum,

    I didn't get a chance to read all the comments in detail, so if I repeat something, my apologies.

    You are married, you are not engaged--I hope that that is clear.

    I do not think it is a good idea to engage in any online video sort of intimacy because who knows who else is watching--he should be very careful about that because you are his wife.

    He has a right to you sexually and it is understandably difficult for him. I don't understand why the both of you and your families didn't figure this about BEFORE the Nikah. He must have known you were studying medicine, so for him to now be shocked at all the time you are allocating for your studies is rather ridiculous. I don't know why people can't get married at a young age and make it work because waiting to get married later in life is often very challenging too. The both of you need to take it easy and make this work.

    There is no way that he should be calling the woman that he chose to marry worthless--why would he marry a worthless woman? I don't know what to make of this comment--but it could be his frustration, or it could be an indication of an abusive personality. IT really is hard to say.

    The solution, I believe, should be that the both of you first, should want this to work. The both of you should make plans to NOT be away from one another for that much longer. Three years is unreasonable. Period. You both need help in communicating--so either you both go to Muslim Counselling separately and learn about respecting and loving your spouse, OR you go together OR a little of both. There is no way you should consider ending this just like that because relationships are hard work. Sometimes two good people get together and create a lot of problems for one another due to miscommunication, unspoken expectations, etc etc.

    Also, if he claims to care so much about his friend's sister, he shouldn't back down on that--and you shouldn't be so aloof to what his needs are either. Even if you say "I understand, how can we make this work?", that may be better than "I can't do this or that..."

    I really think counselling will be key, especially if he truly is an abusive person--so please seriously consider that especially considering he mentions suicide--that is another warning sign that is concerning. I don't think that sexual frustration from a husband should make him consider suicide given the situation he knew he was entering and the fact that he doesn't/can't take financial responsibility right now, but perhaps some brothers can shed light on that.

    May Allah ease your difficulties and replace them with peace, Ameen.

  11. Sister, a few points:

    1. You are married, not engaged. In Islam, nikah = marriage.

    2. Even though he's your husband, phone sex or video sex is a bad idea. He could take snapshots or record you without your knowledge. Then he could use that to blackmail you into doing anything he likes. Considering he has already tried to emotionally blackmail you with the threat of suicide, that's not a reach.

    With that said, I fully agree with Najah. You talk to him on the phone every day and he abuses you verbally and makes you feel like hell. So how will it be when you live with him, and he is abusing you in person every day? What if he escalates to physical abuse? Or a few years down the line when you have children, and he continues to abuse you in front of your children? If you don't think that will happen then you should read the many posts on this website from women who are in exactly that position.

    This guy is no good. He has deep anger and control issues. My sincere advice to you is to divorce him immediately. Ask him for talaq. Since you have not consummated the marriage, the talaq takes place instantly, with no iddah.

    You will be much happier and will be able to breathe freely.

    Next time be more careful in choosing a marriage partner, Insha'Allah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Agreed.

      • WAel/Issah,

        Disagree .
        Its wrong to motivate some one for divorce . This guy might be frustrated as they stay seperately and distance creates mis communication some times .

        I agree with Saba's post above .

        I have seen brother Issah's post many times where is quick to point some one as Faasiq and so and so .Its like he has already got cerficate for Jannah and most of others are Faasiq muslims in his eyes .Be carefull of your words ...

        • @Logical:

          You are free to agree or disagree. However, I don't remember using the word "Faasiq" for anyone, more than twice throughout my whole life--and the twice was on this site. If you saw more than two posts, please let me know where they are, and then I'd reassess the information provided to see what made me used that word over there, inshaAllah.

          1. What do you say about a man who videotaped himself around naked women, and on top of that, abuses his wife???

          2. What do you say about a man who abuses his wife, and on top of that, confessed to her that he dates other women and that "there is nothing she can do about it"???

          • 1. What do you say about a man who videotaped himself around naked women, and on top of that, abuses his wife???

            Below is what his wife wrote about him:

            "He continues to be physically and emotionally abusive to me, does not give me money for groceries, and restricts my movements out of the house. I have found video tapes of women having oral sex with him, but this does not come under the definition of zina, as the penetration was not on video tape."

            My response to her:

            I agree with you Sister A. It does not necessarily has to be real zina. Her husband is a faasiq, and any form of fisq act is enough to get her divorced from him. In cases where he does not confess at the court, it could reach where the video will be needed to prove his fisq (NOT TO PROVE HIS ZINA).

            Also, she mentioned that he continues to abuse her emotionally and physically- these are extra grounds for seeking divorce. Therfore in either way, she is still strong.

            http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/rights-cheated-abused/

            2. What do you say about a man who abuses his wife, and on top of that, confessed to her that he dates other women and that "there is nothing she can do about it"???

            Below is what he told his wife directly:

            "Your medical financing is not my responsibility. You should look at the time and at my mood before opening your mouth. We have a lot of differences. When I watch porn clips don't turn your mood off. When I flirt with other women don't switch your mood off, keep your mood swings aside. You should always be in a smiling mood, and if you're upset then go to your parent's and do not share your emotions with me. Your level of thinking doesn't match with mine, but you have to do what I say and what I want because I'm your husband.

            What do u think of yourself and who you are? You're stupid, you're naive, you live in a well and don't want to come out of that. You better look and watch me, and do what I say. What do you think, that you will change me, or can change my entire family- how can you think that? That will never happen. Don't tell me how to do things."

            My response to her:

            I agree (with Leylani). Leave as soon as possible. That man is a complete faasiq who doesn't deserve a decent Muslimah like you.

            You are still young. You could find a new husband who will love you, care for you, respect you, and recognize your higher status as a precious Muslimah, inshaAllah.

            http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/husband-doesnt-care/

            In fact, when I went back to reread these two posts, I felt so sorry for those innocent girls, and I really don't regret using the word "Faasq" for those so called husbands. A'uthubillah!!!

    • Totally agree. The choice is yours. Watch him a few more months, ask advice from your parents, brother (since he may know him better), then make your decision to stay or divorce.

    • I agree here with Wael. This is excellent advice. Some times Muslims as well as others do not seem too take abuse seriously. This man shows signs of abusiveness. I do not understand why people think a woman should put up with so much abuse or be treated so awful , as if a woman has to accept poor treatment. Islam does not say to accept oppression. Men who are controlling and abusive usually do not change. Emotional abuse can be worse then physical abuse.
      Even though your married , you have a right to protect yourself. Get out before you can not get out! The signs are there! Your a young intelligent woman and educated. Abuse has terrible consequences. Heed the warning signs. Many women fail to listen to the warning signs and this is a shame. Women are smart but we just sometimes accept horrible treatment and we do not listen when a a a man shows signs of neglect and abuse. I have been there myself and just now understanding to follow my intuition when someone seems bad. You deserve someone who will care for you consistantly and treat you with respect. Yes marriage is a lot of work but that does not mean a woman has to accept any form of abuse. Abuse is never ok and no one deserves abuse.

    • Hi Abida.

      This post is 6 years old and the reason why I am going through it now is because I am going through a similar phase as yours. And I want to know, if you had married him, did he actually change himself?

  12. if you were not ready for sex , why did you marry him nikaah means now you are his wife and you both can have sex anytime. nikah makes it legal. you are just saying about this like its a sin. you are married now even if your rukhsati is not done. you are now in a relation.

    come out of the thoughts you are not single
    talk to him and tell him to give you respect, this is not the way to abuse your family, he may beat you after long time. the person gets angry and abuse you, when you will be in front of him he may beat you as well.

  13. Salaams,

    There is a big difference in being just an emotional person, even someone who gets angry at times, and someone who is abusive.

    An abusive person will belittle someone, hurt their feelings without concern, not feel sorry for their actions, manipulate arguments to gain the advantage or make their partner feel bad, call names, and point out flaws that have nothing to do with the issue at hand (to name just a few tactics).

    An abusive person will say, for example, "You won't have video sex with me?! You're a worthless piece of trash, and you don't love me!"

    An emotional person has intense feelings, is very passionate about their views and values, and will express them with a high pitch, louder tone, and even faster speech, but will NEVER use the tactics outlined above.

    A non-abusive, emotional person will say, for example, (in a very intense tone of voice, perhaps) "Not being able to be sexual with you is getting hard for me to take! We need to do something to change this! What are you willing to do to meet me halfway? I care about you and just want to be close to you, please understand".

    An emotional person especially will feel terribly hurt if they hurt your feelings, especially if they make you cry.

    An abusive person will not care at all if you're crying or hurting. They may even blame you for feeling that way.

    Bottom line in my analysis: Abusive people should be avoided and cut out of one's life. Emotional people can be worked with, because if they love you they will love you also on an intensely emotional level, and want to do anything to make the situation happy for both of you. They are keepers, in shaa Allah.

    Only you know best which category your husband is in, but based on your description he sounds more like the first than the second (and please know, many abusive people are emotional. But not every emotional person will be abusive. BIG DIFFERENCE).

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. Wael deleted my point of view! what a admin or moderator.. RIP freedom of speech..

  15. Posting a second time, deleted by admin!

    Brother wael salam..

    You have given the worst advise.. you cannot and have no right to judge the husband that he is not good. You cannot advise to divorce immediately.. god only and the wife can take this decision.. this women need support & solution.. but you cant give such ridiculous advice..

    Thanks & i hope you understand. We all are here to give solution to fix something.. we cannot tell someone to divorce immediately! We did not witness anything in real.

    Please do not judge someone again.. this man never even beat him.. no one is perfect even you or me.

    Thanks

    • Brother, surely you can just offer your point of view and don't need to say that other's is the worst advice. Abuse comes in different forms--you don't need a mark on your body to prove that you are abused--some wounds are invisible to the eye.

      Anyways, advice is given based on the information provided, surely the OP and others still have to use their own brain and can't just follow orders like robots.

  16. Thanks a lot to all of you for the advices. I have been waiting since long. Many of my brothers and sisters have given me the advice of getting married to him soon and that living together could solve the problems . I myself was thinking about this since a few months and i have convinced him into that. He said he'll sell some of his property to someone and get the money . So he's going to talk to my dad in November. He himself wants to put an end to all these problems. It's not that I just want to look at the bright side no matter how much I'm getting hurt emotionally but I can't omit the fact that he himself is so fed up of his own angry personality like he can't get out of it and just maybe he needs some help? Few days ago while we had a fight, he started crying after that , and he was like promise me we won't miss a prayer and we'll read Quran everyday so that all these problems go out of our life. He was crying so much I don't know why I'm mentioning this but he cries alott. And maybe that shows he may not be really that hardcore kind of person. I know some people would be saying I shouldn't be blinded in his love and think of my future life and yeah I admit he's cranky sometimes for no reason but he's not the one who won't apologise for his bad words or actions. Just maybe it's all the frustration coming out because of the distance thing. I know in my first post, I was sounding all so miserable , it's not that I'm being all hopeful now from nowhere. But I just want to sort out things 🙁 and as one of my sisters said above , as you made the decision to choose him in haste , don't make the decision of leaving him in haste. That's true. God knows if marriages ended that soon what would become of this world. Seriously I'm not being all heroic or blind in love. I just want to solve the things and I don't think divorce is a solution. Actually when one day I got so angry and talked of it, he was so broken hearted. And then he's like, Honey you are such a perfect girl but please I beg you don't talk of divorce again . And he was crying so much and said where would I even go without you and things. About the video sex thing , i get it when my sisters and brothers advised me that that's his right and I shouldn't be reacting to it in that way but yeah I will tell him to stop it at least for the security purposes.
    Dear brothers and sisters , I'm just 22 now and I wanted to tackle things in a mature and understandable way where things are smooth for both of us, I don't know how some of my well wishers advised me to get a divorce. 🙁 the only reason I came here for help was cause you All are my brothers and sisters and I don't want to give my family here a hard time. I don't want them worrying about me. I don't want to put all of them in trouble. Not that I never told my elder sisters about his behaviour. I did. And their responses were of course quite negative, I'm their sister, they have to be protective about me. But still I want to be tolerant in this relationship cause I love my husband oh God soo dearly. He DOES try to not abuse me, really ! He DOES make efforts to not abuse me , doesn't that show that though apparently it seems like he's the abusive person , he has a soft corner to him
    And he wants to be pampered or something , also he's the most favourite child of his father , his father never said No to him to any of his wishes since childhood , I know that's also a big reason what he has turned to now.
    Sisters and brothers , even the ones who advised me for the divorce thing ( not that they are the bas guys for me , ofcourse all of you have replied in a mature way and your replies are based upon what I said ) , I want to mention some things if that makes a difference , I have mentioned this before but still I want to mention that he does care for me in an unconditional way like, few days ago I was having some problem in my eyes and since his father is an eye specialist so I told him to ask his father about what problem I might be having , it was like 2/3 am in midnight and he went to his father to ask about it (though I tried to stop him lol) . And like ( he lives in the area I'm living) so when our driver isn't home he would even do my chores.
    Now that I'm at home preparing for my exams , he would bring me fast food and things so that I don't get bored while studying . He treats me like a baby while he's normal. And though almost it has been an year since our engagement but he doesn't have enough of me I mean not the video thing, like in a loving way. He certainly has Not lost interest in me as many of the couples do after only a few months of their engagement not have I. And due to all of this I convinced him for the wedding. The least time it'll take will be 5/6 months and even if it's too late it is going to be 1 year instead of 3 years.
    I want all of you to consider this post as well in addition to my first one.
    Thanks

    • Abida: he himself is so fed up of his own angry personality like he can't get out of it ......... Few days ago while we had a fight, he started crying after that , and he was like promise me we won't miss a prayer and we'll read Quran everyday so that all these problems go out of our life. He was crying so much

      Things may get worse after you get married. After marriage you may be the one crying all the times. His anger may increase. His crying may be due to some emotional problem/depression.

      You should talk to your parents his anger in a matter of fact way. Talk to a psychologist if you know one.

    • Salaams,

      Just a few things I wanted to point out, for you to take into consideration:

      1. People who are abusive, or do hurtful things to someone, aren't "all" bad. They actually have some very redeeming qualities. I myself was married to an abusive and angry person, and there were many, many nice and caring things he did for me. If I listed all of them without the abuse, no one would think he was anything less than an ideal husband. It was, in fact, the reality that he had so much good along with serious bad things that kept me confused for a very long time about him. Having good qualties, or positive aspects, doesn't necessarily mean the relationship should continue, or that he is the right person for you, if significant things are already showing up that could become more of a problem as time goes on.

      2. There are also many abusive people who want to change, who feel powerless to what they do, and wish they weren't the way they were. However, wanting to change and being willing to do THE VERY HARD WORK in actually changing is two different things. Wanting it is simply not enough.

      3. This is something my friend told me, but every person has their "reasons" for doing what they do. You can explain all day and all night why he is the way he is....but so can the woman who loves a rapist, child molester, or murderer! In fact, I would even argue that the more darkness a person has in them, the more effort and detail they put into their backstory to create sympathy in those around them. In the end, it's usually just another way to avoid taking responsibility for what they do, and minimizing the severity of their actions and the ways their behaviors hurt others.

      4. It's always a concern for me, as a psychotherapist, when a woman (or man, as the case may be) needs to explain, rationalize, and justify the bad actions of the one they love. If you feel you need to explain 'the other side of the story" to someone, to make others realize that this person isn't as bad as what others seem to see, then that means something is definitely not in balance in the relationship. Secure people don't go to such measures to prove the person they love is good and acceptable, because it's something readily evident for anyone to see. Usually people who are codependent tend to get involved with unhealthy people. They may realize this person is unhealthy or damaging, but they are trying to justify being with that person by making it somehow acceptable. The way codependents often do this is to secure external validation and approval of the relationship, which will allow the codependent to accept it for themselves. So if they can convince everyone around them that he's "not such a bad guy after all", then that means they can believe it and go forward with the person.

      These are some things to think about, as I noticed them in the words and tone of your second post. The fact that you want others to take that info along with your original post is a big flag for me. You are involved in the situation, very close to it, and may have lost your ability to see it objectively. It happens easily, but it can be remedied. You have to be willing to accept the facts, some of which I listed in my previous post. Facts don't lie, and facts don't yield to personal preference. If the facts are that your husband's anger problem is leading him to abuse you in words, that's the reality you have to be willing to work with. It's clear to most of the readers here that's what is going on, but you have to make your choice if you are going to accept the objective reality that they see, or continue to create a subjective reality that will enable you to keep going in the direction you really want to go in.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • AsSalaamu Alaikum young lady,

        You are 22 now, that's good, mashaAllah. However, do not wait till you get to 33 before you start to think of reversing. If you really want to see things clearly, and make the right decision, then you should ignore the good side of your husband and focus only on what he does to make you feel like hell. Looking at the sweet side of him while trying to find the solution to the problem at hand, won't help much, as doing so has been the starting point of wrong decisions made by many women.

        Perhaps you might want to spend much time reading posts (on this site) by women who have been in your situation, before you make your final decision. See one example below by a sister:

        She wrote:

        "He is abusive verbally and physically. When I was living with him in his home city, it was a routine for him to bad-mouth or physically abuse me. Everytime he did that, and when I threatened to leave him, he became all soft and then to the point of crying to hold me from my decision...

        He courted me before marriage and he was abusive then too. My mistake was that I thought he would get better after marriage, and I was so wrong. I took care of his parents and him when I was living with him, and I left for another city just for the reason to support us and our children cuz he was not making anything. I got rid of the physical abuse but his verbal abuse continued on phone and then again the same babbling and crying."

        So in her case, when they are apart (just like you and your husband), he verbally abuses her on phone, and then cry and beg, similar to your case, and then when they live together, he physically abuses her--which we are afraid that if your husband is not cured before you move in with him, the same thing might happen to you--may Allah forbid it to happen.

        http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/what-should-i-do-about-my-abusive-husband/

    • Assalam alaikum Sr. Abida,

      Reading your previous post and then reading this post, you can see that they are rather lengthy and there is a lot of explanations. Undoubtedly, marriage is hard work, but not this hard either. Also, it is confusing when you write engagement when you mean marriage:

      "And though almost it has been an year since our engagement but he doesn't have enough of me I mean not the video thing, like in a loving way. He certainly has Not lost interest in me as many of the couples do after only a few months of their engagement not have I. And due to all of this I convinced him for the wedding. The least time it'll take will be 5/6 months and even if it's too late it is going to be 1 year instead of 3 years."

      Please understand that Nikaah means marriage. The way the both of you are choosing to live doesn't mean that you are not married.

      I was one of the people that suggested that you work on your marriage, but with the help of counselling. The reason I suggested that is because it seems you are confused about him (ie. whether he is abusive or not) and I didn't want you to take a decision without you fully believing in it to avoid regret. I must be honest and say that there is evidence of the cycle of abuse in your relationship: tensions building, incident, reconciliation, calm, repeat. Whatever decision is taken in your marriage should be by you while you see the reality of your relationship through the lens of reason and not through the emotions you feel when he treats you with kindness.

      Also, you write that you don't want to get a divorce because you "don't want to give [your] family here a hard time." Divorce shouldn't be considered or not considered for other people. Divorce is for those cases where staying together isn't the best choice. Again, no one here can make this decision for you. We can only share with you what we find in your post--so please carefully think about it. Don't make excuses for him. Respect yourself enough to be treated well. If you decide to move forward in the marriage but things are shaky, consider counselling and the help of your family. The bottom line is do not tolerate abuse (verbal, emotional, physical etc).

  17. AMY: There are also many abusive people who want to change, who feel powerless to what they do, and wish they weren’t the way they were. However, wanting to change and being willing to do

    If some one feels powerless to change how can she/he be made into "willing to do". They do want to change some one has to show them how they can change.

    • Salaams,

      If someone feels powerless to change and they want help, they can easily find it. They can ask friends, family, imams, counselor, going online and looking at articles....there are so many means to self improvement for those who are sincerely seeking them. But if someone cries and cries "I want help!" And does nothing proactive to help themselves, it's meaningless. Even Allah says in the Quran that He will not change a condition in a people until they change it themselves.

      No reasonable adult has an excuse for any bad habits, sorry.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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