Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Hidden past of my wife

secrets, hidden past,

assalam o alekum brothers and sisters,

i unfold my heart out to you to seek your valuable advice as to what must I do in this situation.

i am a virgin 26 year old boy who is not perfect who had one or two friends as girls before but was saved from falling into fornication with either of them. the point being is the acceptance that i am not perfect however have been in my limits. even talking to non mahram is haram, i talked and i seek forgiveness.

now back to the real agenda.

almost 6-7 years back i incidentally got a call of a girl (about 16 years that time), we hunged up, but later I called her back, and started talking to her, immediately began to like each other. Our love grew. my intentions were always pure. about 5-6 months later her mobile was seen by her brother, who then beated her and gave her phone to her father who called me via that number and threatened me for life. i immediately falled to sajda towards ALLAH praying that if the relation is well for me then it may continue otherwise it may aswell end right at this moment. later after 2-3 hours at 2-3am i got her call back that she was alright and will contact me again whenever the time and situation is right in her house. Later after weeks of waiting our contact was maintained again..

our love grew more and more with time. as year passed by we were in contact 24 hours of day then we met at a place. She basically belongs to a poor family and restrictions were imposed on her not to go out alone from her home. I was happy to see her she looked innocent and so was she.

we spent years together just talking on phone. after 2-3 years there came a point when we did nikkah on phone via registered qazi with our own free will and free witnesses and it was documented as well.

our love stayed strong Alhamdullillah. just recently an year back I got a nice government job, however became a bit busy as i got back to law studies as well as job so started giving her less time on phone regardless had contact every day but it was definitely reduced.

secondly, i was always very conservative. i introduced her to proper hijab and niqab, restricted her to go to any function outside her home even with her family of which she didn't like but still observed as she loved me and never wanted me to leave her. i must admit she was beside me in my bad times when i didn't had job.

so in my rage, i always tended to abuse her verbally and cut contact with her for days for disobeying me on even the slightest of mistake, like going to rooftop of her home. etc.. i was also wrong at that i know

so in my business at job and study, she quietly started to come into the wrong teaching of her sister who said to her that she could do whatever she wants to do, how could i know.

her sister was an unchaste girl who would talk to random guys every night however my wife only talked to me.

and so she quietly indulged herself and falled prey to this weakened menace. she started to talk to a random wrong number that came to her number in lieu of time pass. later she also forwarded her pic to that boy and also called that boy see her from a distant place while she got to a shopping mall with her mother. She talked to that boy secretly for an year but never told him her home location etc. just as time pass however never told me that.

all of that i got to know by ALLAH's grace via one of her girl cousin who was close to her. and even more that she had a strong past 1 year before me and got indulged in private place meeting sessions with a boy but no prove of sex etc but she did go with him she saw that with her eyes. one day she asked her everything

later her cousin one day visited my wife, she asked her everything while she didn't knew my call was on hold. and she herself told her about all her affairs past and present that she hided from me.

i then called my wife back and i was literally crying for the first time ever and ask her to tell me everything. at first she denied everything she even swered.. but then i told her i have her recording. so she confessed everything with sorrow and regrets. I assured her i would forgive her if she tells me truth. and she did accepted everything but told me she never got indulged in sexual practice with the one from her past and it was merely a 7-8 months relationship and she was too young to understand all of that and assured that she is still virgin as before that i can also chck myself now. She also told me about her present mistake that it was a younger boy she only passed time never met him in person or told her address while talking to him and also blamed me for misbehaving with her and not giving her proper time. She then asked me to forgive her and forget everything and block all her sim numbers and get her a new one and asked me to trust her.

i then also offered her one last true chance for a new life with me as ALLAH also forgives sins of the seekers.

now situation has become easier for us on that account that our parents agree to our marriage (before they did not) and we did nikkah in secret 2-3 years before as a security legal/spritual way.

however my heart still gets some jolts of her past treachery and lies sometimes i also get dreams of such depression.

a few days before i got to know she again lied to me about staying at home while she went to one of her girl friend's wedding with her brother and his wife all dressed up while i restrained her from doing so. i again reminded her of the final chance and not to that again...

 

the question.. what should i do do now i do still am somewhat positive and i do love her so should i continue to path of marriage with her or break nikkah with her?

and more importantly... can i trust her anymore now....? my heart is moving helter and skelter on this decision now..

while i leave it all to the will of ALLAH

 

thanks for reading, awaiting your valuable sugessions and replies

 examination525

 

 

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13 Responses »

  1. as salaamu alaykum akhiy

    First r Rahmaan SWT has prohibited Oppression on Himself and on Mankind. Beware you don't Oppress your wife as He has ordered us to live together in Harmony and Love as man and wife. Yes you have a Right over her and she has a Right over you but Kindness and good behaviour is the best. You want Al Ghafur to forgive you; make sure you also forgive. And beware the Rage!
    Don't you know Rasul'ullaah (saws) advised us "Do Not get Angry" and if you do get angry, then sit down, if you're standing, and if you're sitting, Lie Down, or do Wudu. Remember also; the best of the Believers is he that is Kindest to his wife and to his family. May Allaah swt forgive you, and may He guide us all to what is best. aamiyn!

  2. "We spent years together just talking on phone. after 2-3 years there came a point when we did nikkah on phone via registered qazi with our own free will and free witnesses and it was documented as well."

    Was her father present at the nikkah? Did you verbally announce the nikkah to the world? If not, then I would question the validity of the nikkah itself.

    You can't restrain her from going out with her mahrem. She is not your slave but a human being. Stop threatening her in order to control her.

    Yes, she has made mistakes in the past, but you are not innocent either. Your secret nikkah is most likely invalid as it was not announced publicly. If you want Islamic advice, then go to her father for a real proposal.

  3. What is it you want to hear? U want her to be obedient to you, fine I understand that but stopping her from going out with family and friends , does not make you a good husband. Besides it's her age, she is young and wants to enjoy life like a normal person within limits.
    U should work on yourself instead of finding fault in her. What is it you want from her to sit all day and wait for your call and mood to change. What kind of a life is that. You should have married a person who has no mind of her own.

  4. Salam,

    I agree with the above statements. Allah forgives us for our sins time and time again. So why can't we do that with each other within means of course? Your supposed wife hasn't committed any Zina and she went out with her family to a wedding(not a sin at all and I don't know why you should be mad about that?). She probably didn't want to tell you cause you would be really mad and start abusing her and not talk to her again.

    The advice is yes to forgive her because she seems she was very sorry for what she did.. But another advise for you is to treat her with respect and let her do things within Islamic means. Its not right to get angry about her going to the roof of her own house and such. She's a human being firstmost and your partner. If you truly love her and care for her, forgive her and also change your mindset about a few things.

    A husband and wife is a blessing from Allah. Treat each other with love and respect. Islam is about balancing; not too extreme and not too lose. We all make mistakes and may Allah forgive us for that Ameen.

  5. Wow brother, I wonder how to phrase this but you reek of self-righteousness!

    You are the one who called the girl back in the first place even though it was just a crank-call on her part. You have spoken to girls in the past, you call her sister unchaste, you had a nikah on the phone with her but who gave you the permission? Did you ask her father? You ask her to observe hijab and use that to control her activities and admit that you abuse her. You keep tabs on her via her girl cousin. What business do you have to be friends with her cousin?
    You use words like lies, trust, treachery, last chance for her.
    But, for yourself, you say though you sinned but you did not do fornication, your love grew 'Alhamdulilah', you came to know of her whereabouts by ''grace of Allah''. What exactly are you trying to prove, that you are a great believer and you have a sinning friend?! Brother, sorry to say that but you are neither correct in your behaviour nor approach, nor are you in a Islamically legal relation.

    You know what your post appears to be; you behave like you are the master and she is supposed to be your remote-controlled doll who you punish if she uses her brain or her will on anything, any single thing.

    Check from a scholar about the validity of your nikah first. If it is invalid, better for both of you to part. Both of you have a lot of growing up to do.

  6. Salam..my advice and understand both of you are to young to understand marriage...both immature and very weak in faith..YOU CAN'T CONTROL OR RISTRICT ANYONE BECAUSE YOU SAY SOO.IF A PERSON HAS TAQWA THEY AIN'T GOING TO ANY BAD BECAUSE INTENTIONS ARE VERY IMPORTANT..YOU NEED TO GROW UP..BESIDES WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOU SHOULD BE LIVING WITH THAT PERSON..The women has more rights then you in Islam...believe me I married a scholor myself..

    • as salaamu alaykum Raul

      "The women has more rights then you in Islam...believe me I married a scholor myself." Oh No she's converted you to Femislaam! It's true though; they Do!

    • According to the Quran the rights of men and women are the same except that men have a degree over women:

      ***
      https://quran.com/2/228
      Divorced women remain in waiting for three periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have more right to take them back in this [period] if they want reconciliation. And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.
      ***

  7. Dear Brother,

    First off no one is to judge anyone and what was meant to be concealed should of stayed concealed. The secret nikkah was wrong and should of never happened. Both of you made mistakes but the cousin that you mentioned to have you on hold and all that nonsense all seems troubling. What person let alone relative wants to repeat a sin or have the sin blasted even to a spouse. If Allah subhanawatala concealed it then so be it but the whole situation sounds a bit off. It's the year 2017 would you like to be restricted where to go or what to do. It's not about trust that your worried about your not perfect and neither is she if you can't get over it then I don't see how you can get married. Now you want to break her heart, and leave her. If both of you, your mind sets get along then so be it but you seem to be thinking in an old fashion mindset but not realizing the fact your relationship all started in a sin just as the previous person responded the nikkah is invalid that's why it's haram to have relationships it doesn't start well or end well. There's logic behind why it's haram and if you didnt touch her what was the point of validating your marriage that is not even real. How would her family feel and how would you feel if your sister did a secret nikkah. You can't judge anyone as you wouldn't want to be judged in sure your a great person with a great heart and so is she but just learn to trust in your heart, pray and have her pray and inshallah everything will work out. There's ppl who have done zina and some who haven't but if Allah subhanawatala forgives than why can't you and let it go. That cousin stay away from their a headache and not good intentions at all for doing what they'd did, pray on it and see what happens. I know the dreams you have make you paranoid but maybe it's your subconscious but pray that salat on whether to get married and make a list of pros and cons of getting married and have her do the same and inshallah kheir for both of you just have faith and do good and inshallah everything will work out as it's suppose to. I wish you the best of luck brother!

    Brother Isaac

  8. She is not even your wife. First go marry her in a decent manner! And stop being such a controle-freak. Marriage is about two people respecting each other, not about me myself and I.

  9. Brother !

    Why so much dominance? Why such a dominating behaviour towards that girl? Has your mother ever dominated you so much or have you listened as much as of your mother the way that girl listens to you ? Ask yourself please.

    Why cant she go out with her family? What do you expect her to do then ? Sit at home 24 x 7 and keep waiting for your call? Is this the only work she is meant to do ? Please grow up. Rather than motivating her to study or do something in her career you are threatning and demoralising her. It isnt decent at all. Would you like someone doing like that with your own daughter in nearby future ?

    Why have you been spying on her via her cousin ? And what kind of cousin is she who is back biting about her own sister ? Why did she feel the urge to do that and poison your ears? Just think about it. Even a rival wont do such act the way her cousin has done. Some fine day she will get your secrets and tell them to the world. Beware !!

  10. Salam,

    Your role in a marriage is to be a good leader that serves the people he leads. As such you are responsible for the emotional and physical well being of your wife. You cannot ask her to wear the niqab as it is not a requirement in Islam. You can request her to wear the hijab but in Islam there is no compulsion and if she is not strong in her faith and isn't there yet you cannot impose it on her. You cannot unreasonably limit her from seeing others when she is not forsaking her duties as a wife, which I feel that you are doing. And lastly, you must consider what she is capable of before demanding things from her and then punishing her with silence. As it is right now, your behavior is abusive and I would recommend to her to find someone better. But because both of you are interested in marriage, I'm recommending changes in your behavior.

    If you continue down your current path, your insecurities will place unreasonable demands on her. You will essentially want her to be cut off from the world to ensure that no other man sees her. If she disobeys you will punish her through silence making her feel completely alone. She'll put up with this for a while but after a while she'll want out because this setup does not fulfill her needs. As she does simple things to fulfill her needs you will see it as her disobeying and will become even more restrictive and will lose more trust. Unless you resolve your issues and treat her like how you would like to be treated you're either headed towards abusing her and having that on the day of judgement, or headed towards divorce, or setting yourself up to increase your insecurities to the point that you can't trust any woman.

    I'm sorry if this seems harsh to you, but I feel that someone has to warn you about that path you're on. Your understanding of relationships and role must improve. Also, you need to ask her wali and ask her people for marriage. You can't be married to her when her own family doesn't know about it.

  11. Poor girl. I hope she develops enough sense and leave a dominating, narcissist, manipulative and shrewd person like you. Otherwise she will clearly have a very sad and oppressed life with you

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