Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Hindu girl and Bengali-Muslim guy – love conflict

Marrying a Hindu is prohibited

Hindu-Muslim Marriages

Hi all,

I’m not sure if anyone has been in this situation. I am 30 years old, and when I was 18 I met this Bengali guy and we went out for 7 years. Neither of our families knew and then we broke up just because it would be difficult for us to marry due to our religious differences. We always kept in touch and and have been very close over the years - I haven’t dated anyone properly since we broke up just because we still have a strong connection.

Over the years we have tried to stay away as we know how difficult our situation is however recently he told me that as he is getting older (he is 34) and has so much family pressure on him, he has to start thinking about settling down. He had discussed with his mum marrying a non-Bengali non-Muslim however she said that was not possible and then ignored the situation.

He has just brought up the issue again and she said that he will lose her. I know he has no plans of leaving his family and I do not expect him to. He said he will try again and explain the situation to her to see if she will compromise. The thing is I love him and want to be with him, but I am not sure if I can live within their culture.

I am happy to convert, however, I live a very liberal and independent lifestyle. He says that a lot of thing would have to change if we were to marry because of his culture: values, food, dress, socialising etc. This scares me as I feel it is changing who I am. But I really want to be with him.

Is there anyone who has experienced the same? Or knows what it is like for a girl to live with a Bengali family?

Thanks…

~ kaminis

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9 Responses »

  1. are you a hindu ? because i can just get to know that you are a non muslim from your post.

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • here is a website for you to learn more about Islam inshaAllah

      Invitation2Islaam(dot) wordpress(dot)com <- {replace (dot) with . and paste and search in your web browser }

      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  2. Hello Kamini,

    You must be aware that a Muslim man is not allowed to marry a Hindu woman. Your conversion will make no meaning if you do so in order to be able to marry him. You must accept Islam if you are sure and you affirm that there is no true God but Allah Alone and that Prophet Muhammad is His Final Messenger. It does involve changing the entire you, but for the good.

    Change of food and dress is probably something that has to do with Bengali culture and should not matter. But the change that matters is the lifestyle and spirituality. You must be a believer in Allah in order to be a Muslim. And accepting His Religion must be done completely, as Allah Says:

    2:208
    يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا ادْخُلُوا فِي السِّلْمِ كَافَّةً وَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا خُطُوَاتِ الشَّيْطَانِ ۚ إِنَّهُ لَكُمْ عَدُوٌّ مُبِينٌ
    O you who have believed, enter into Islam completely [and perfectly] and do not follow the footsteps of Satan. Indeed, he is to you a clear enemy.

    Islam is beautiful and the only way to the Pleasure of The Only God. So why not study it and ponder over it? God Is One and none has the right to be Worshipped but He. He Says:

    112:1
    قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَد
    Say, "He is Allah , [who is] One,
    112:2
    اللَّهُ الصَّمَد
    Allah , the Eternal Refuge.
    112:3
    لَمْ يَلِدْ وَلَمْ يُولَدْ
    He neither begets nor is born,
    112:4
    وَلَمْ يَكُنْ لَهُ كُفُوًا أَحَدٌ
    Nor is there to Him any equivalent."

    Why not consider His Message and accept the Islamic way? If you sincerely want to become a Muslim, you can marry this Muslim man.

    Perhaps after they know that you have become a practicing Muslim, they would agree. Even if they don't and the man does not wish to marry you either, there are a lot of wonderful men among practicing Muslims who will fill your life with peace and happiness. Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him has taught us a prayer called Istikhaarah, which is a prayer to seek Allah's counsel in making a decision. As a Muslim, you can make this prayer to ask Allah if this Bengali man is good for you or not, or if there is a man who is better for you.

    I encourage you to know Allah, His Messenger and learn about Islam and then accept it. All the best.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Hi

    I read your post with interest and personally I can see that you are very fond of this man. I am a Bengali (Bangladeshi) Muslim as well and I have not come across this issue much within the community because Bengalis - as with other traditional communities (Arab, Pakistanis etc.) tend to have arranged marriages or choose partners which their families will approve of - in many cases other Bengali Muslims.

    First of all, you have to understand, even there is a small Hindu community in Bangladesh and Bengalis can be either Muslim or Hindu, they tend stick to their respective religious communities. I have never heard of a Bangladeshi Muslim marrying a Hindu, if they have it is usually the Hindu man or woman who is expected to convert. This is because under Islamic Law, Hindus are not ahl-kitab (People of the Book) and it is haraam (Forbidden) to marry their women.

    It is very unlikely that your boyfriend's mother will accept you into the family and make a compromise. This is due to Izzat (Honour) and to save face within the community. There is a strong possiblity that this will spread gossip in the Bangladeshi community. This will cause shame upon the family and those they associate with.

    You might not have a problem with being non-Bengali (you can always learn the language) but being a pracitising Muslim will be looked upon positively. I recall a man marrying a white revert to Islam and the family accepted her on the account of her being a religious Muslimah.

    My advice to you is this - you need to explore the religion (Islam) and the culture. I assume you are Indian - if that is the case tradition and culture should be somewhat familar to you. I cannot comment on values as each family is different, but food, you will not be allowed to consume alcohol, as a Muslim has to remain mentally rationally at all times and not cause harm to her/himself (as alcohol is the cause of many medical problems) and Muslims are required not to associate with even public houses and people who consume alcohol.

    Bangladeshis enjoy meat and fish dishes such as lamb biriyani and roe. However, if you have a problem with eating meat, there is nothing in Islam that states that you have to eat meat dishes and perfectly fine to be a vegeterian.
    In terms of dress, many Bangladeshi and Indian women wear saris and salwaar khamis, however women will dress modestly such as covering their stomachs when wearing saris and wearing loose trousers when wearing the salwaar khamis. Many young Bangladeshi women wear western clothes such as jeans and blouse but again in a modest manner such as not exposing their legs and wearing tight clothing. You might want to look into the subject of hijab and jilbab - as to preserve a woman's modesty.

    Socialising is different in Muslim communities, as women are not usually allowed to socialise with men and vice versa, specially without their chaperones such as brother, uncle or father. You may be invited to a house where you will be expected to socialise with women only however in my family there is mixed socialising amongst relatives. This is something you will have to discuss with your boyfriend and maybe meet other Bengalis and see how they live in their community.

    In terms of converting to Islam, this is not a simple solutions to your problem as you need to explore Islam and it's values and culture. As you learn you may see some conflict between Islam and Bengali culture - so I advise you to research widely and ask questions with an open mind. Many men and women convert to Islam in name only to satisfy their partner's family in order to marry - it does usually work out in the end. I had some personal experience with a relative and it was too much for my cousin's husband who left in the end.

    As you say you are independent and liberal in your outlook - this is not easy to interpret but you may be required to place some limits in your life such as not associating with other men and not attending parties.
    In terms of Islam, you cannot, like I said earlier, convert in name only, as this frowned upon. For a non-Muslim who comes to Islam, it is a big step, and you become Muslim out of your own will and motivation otherwise you are not considered Muslim - your intentions have to pure. You cannot become a Muslim to satisfy someone else. The questions you have ask yourself are the following,

    I am prepared to make a change to my life which might be disapproved by others (family/friends)?
    I am prepared to learn about Islam and if is my destiny, am I willing to convert?
    I am willing go on a lifelong journey with myself and my husband and learn about Islam together?
    If I become Muslim will my husband take the same interest in Islam as I do?
    Am I willing to change my dress sense (Hijab etc)?

    If you have any questions and like to know more - you can address me here - my username is Rez1985.

    Regards

  4. hey

    you could say Bangladesh is part of indian. there are hindu Bengalis. a normal typical Bengali family eats rice and curry, wear salwar kameez, sarees etc. the hand writings of Bengali and Indians are bit similar and they a big fan of Bollywood. apart from the language you speak and religion is not that much of a difference. some Bengalis can speak and understand hindi since they grew up watching Bollywood movies. a cousin of mine got married to an indian muslim women. also don't convert to Islam just to marry. if you sincere in being a muslim then take your time and study. just to point out living in a typical Bengali family vs Islam the lifestyle are totally different. a lot of Bengali muslim do things which are totally against the teaching of Islam.

    peace..

  5. hello sister, reading your post your story is very familiar to my parents story my father is a bengali muslim and my mother is a indian revert who was a hindu once. my mother embraced islam very well but she said it was challenging as she had to change her life style alot, she still has a few characteristics of her past as she doesn't like to eat meat etc, but she practices islam well and follows the main principles. However one should want to follow Islam from the heart not just for marriage sake or you won't give 100% in your faith. I suggest you do your research as the brother has suggested in the previous post about Islam and understand what sort of lifestyle this is in comparison to your current one.

    answering your question about what it is like to be in a bengali family, its like every culture we have our own traditions and values, in Bangladesh there are hindus and muslims half my family are hindus ( its these family members i speak to as the muslim ones don't like my fatthers children due to our mothers past religion etc) this is the hardest part in my opinion as not everyone is accepting and welcoming as thier not use to orher customs outside thier comfort zone sadly i personally find those who follow culture rather than religion tend to be more racist. If your partners family are welcoming for you to become a muslim and then allowing you to marry him, it will be easier slowly. My grandma accepted my mum due to her adapting Islam very well this is what i recommend for you too, practice Islam, if they see your trying, they will see your intention for marriage is serious. but do understand that it will be hard, communities are small and word goes round fast in the bengali community, but you should look past that. my mum and dad are happy only those who care about us are in our lives. we all practice islam and were quite open minded people due to my mums background. Also most bengali family like girls to be family orientated and tradtion in morals and value like indians really.

  6. Dear All,

    Conversion in to Islam should be from the heart and with full faith . On the other hand we should not dis respect the other religion's people . Islam teaches us to invite the people to come under umbrella of Islam but again it is saying that we should do it without giving pain in heart of the other religions people.

    That is why we will have to maintain good relationship with other religion people.

    Regards
    Imtiaz

    • Truly said Imtiaz ji, I was a Muslim girl khusbu before marriage and had love with Hindu boy and practice their religion and converted to Neha, because I don't want a husband like my father who had 4 wives and recently only he married 24 year Bengali Hindu girl durga basu at the age of 54.

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