His family don’t know I’m his wife, so I allowed him to re-marry. But he won’t treat us equally.
Asalaamalaikum...
I was a single parent when my husband married me.. My family knows about it but his family don't know.. He cannot tell them because we are different nationalities and his family especially his mom will not accept.
I agreed for him to marry again because I didn't have the right to say no.. The problem is that because his family doesn't know that he is married already, he will be unfair with me regarding equality of wives.. This is because when he will marry the second wife, she will not know that he is married already, so he will not have enough time to me.. I said it will be ok.
Even I have to sacrifice and will just wait until when he will have time for me.. That's how much I love him. Please enlighten me and tell me what supplication for all these trials.
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Asalaamualaikum,
Sister, if you are daring enough to talk about your rights towards your husband in allowing him to take another wife; then your husband also has some very basic rights towards you. The first being that if he has married you, then he should give you the status of a married woman!!!
Marriage in Islam is supposed to be a contract made in public to avoid such situations that you are in now. Allah has set laws in place to protect women, children etc, but you choose to ignore the laws hence give up your God given rights. I suggest you read some of the articles Brother Wael has written with regards to secret marriages and polygamy.
If your husband did not have the courage to tell his family that he wanted to marry you - why did he go ahead with it? And moreoever, why did you go ahead with it?
- This marriage with you is secret from his family. Hence he is lying to his family.
- He will take another wife in order to please his family, but wife no.2 will not know about you either. Hence, he'll be lying to her too.
- Suppose you and the 2nd wife both have children. Will he give less time/money to your children? You may be happy in sacrificing your rights. But will you be happy in sacrificing your children's rights for sake of your so called 'love'.
You husband's behaviour is cowardly and pathetic. And you dear Sister, are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat.
I suggest you try and convince him to make your marriage known to his family members and deal with the outcome together. Ask Allah to give you both the strength to go through with this.
Asalaamualaikum
asalamu alaikum,
pray, read alot of quran.
ma salama
Assalamualaikum..
I really appreciate the responses regarding my problem...please include me in your prayers to have courage to bear all of this delimma.
regarding your comment sister z, i am a new muslim that time and still my mind is not that broad about islam...because i am living as the western people are living ...but alhamdullillah , islam thought me everything i don't know before..or should i say i ignore before... i maybe stupid to feel such thing ...such love for my husband... but im trying my best to overcome this trauma... that's why i posted it here as i want to know more about the consequences and how to solve it the islamic way.. i want to know what i will do and what to tell my husband... without stepping on each other and living as per the quran and the sunnah...
jazakallahu khayr
Asalaamualaikum dear Fatima
Firstly congratulations upon accepting Islam. "May Allah grant you with a spouse and off-spring that are the comfort of your eyes and may you lead them in righteousness."
Secondly Fatima, I'm sorry if my response was harsh. Please do not miss out on the rights Allah has given you, just because you think your husband knows better. Your husband may have been born into Islam, but that doesn't mean he knows everything about Islam. See the article below:
http://www.zawaj.com/articles/marriage_in_secret.html
Sis, think about this: If your husband takes another wife but does not treat you both equally; he will be held accountable for this on the Day of Judgement. What will his excuse be infront of Allah(swt)? "Oh Allah, I couldn't give my 1st wife the same amount of time, money, effort etc because I was scared of telling my family that I had married her". Doesn't sound too impressive does it. Allah knows Best.
You have asked for advice on how to cope with being in a secret polyamous marriage whilst being treated unequally by your husband. All I can say to you is to sincerely ask Allah (SWT) to give you patience.
By saying this, I do not mean for you to seek patience in continuing to be oppressed in this manner by your husband. Rather, I mean that you seek patience and perseverance in aquiring the correct knowledge of Islam and in using the rights that Allah has so Lovingly given to you.
Maybe you could learn about the Islamic perspective on marriage and women's rights. Once you have done this, you could educate your husband. If he is truly genuine, this knowlegde may give him the strength he needs to tell his parents about your marriage with some degree of confidence.
If you need any help, please do write again and I will inshaAllah do my best to humbly help you.
Salaams
Assalamualaikum...
my appreciation for an early reply...we got to talk about it and inshaallah things will work out right...
jazakallahukhayr
Assalamualaikum...
Dear Sister Z,
I've discussed all option to my husband..but there is no positive outcome..revealing this it to his family was a no..no..maybe because also his brother knows how i lived before...so even if i already change and lived the islamic life i've learned..it will never be acceptable to them...so, i am leaving it all to Allah as he knows the best more than us.alhamdullilah,,im proud of where i am now.
but the problem is that im seeing my husband bothered with our situation and he cannot come up with the solution..i feel he cannot get rid of me...even if he want to ,,because he wil be responsible for it on the day of judgement..i maybe stupid to say...but i want to help him...how i will divorce him to be free....this idea is killing me..but being with him is not living anymore..just existing...i cannot afford to see him full of worries... he cannot give-up on me as he said...coz really what we faced is very difficult life before...but maybe..i must realized that its not only that...that somethings changed in him already,,just i dont want to accept...
please tell me what are the grounds for a wife to divorce his husband...pls help me...all that keeps me going is the quran im reading and the dua / invocation in times of worry and grief that i used to pray...i want to have my husband back...but if the situation is be like this,,,i can sacrifice...just for him to move on..and have his own life back..the smile in the face he used to have.
i know im pathetic fool...and pls educate me on what the consequences i will have when inshaallah i will be ask for this...
jazakallahukhayr
asalamu alaikum,
sis in islam if the man aint giving the wife her rights e.g spend quality time, supporting financeally, treat equally etc then it is permissable to seek divorce. sis its best if you went your own way cos at the end you are the one who is gonna end up hurt and abandoned.
ma salama
Asalaamualaikum...
Sister Fatima, you are not stupid and you are not a pathetic fool. From what you are telling me, you are a caring, loving woman, who has turned to Islam and sought Allah's forgiveness for your past. You are what you are today because of your life experiences. Wisdom is not gained only through 'age', but more so through 'experience'.
And Sis...you deserve to be given the status of a proper Muslim wife. Only a man who is a confident muslim and non-judgemental will be able to give you that.
Its just a real shame that you have chosen to marry someone who does not have the confidence to stand up for you. Maybe you should demand your husband to tell you exactly what calamities will befall him if he does stand up for you. Allah has clearly said that he forgives anyone who sincerely repents and turns towards Him, so who are your in-laws to hold judgement against you? Are they perfect? Have they never sinned or made mistakes?
Fatima, is it possible for you and your husband to go to a learned scholar for advice and education on this matter?
If you live in the UK, I may be able to direct you to some good Imaams inshaAllah. If you are in the US, maybe Brother Wael could direct you. Either way, please email me inshaAllah.
Assalamualaikum...
May Allah bless u Sister Z...and may your good deeds increase..
We discussed again last night...as i've discussed all the option before and last night he told me..he is totally confused... i laid down all the cards...pros and cons..to him and to me...but he told me he know it already.
im on vacation to my home country now to see my family and inshaallah i will see him again this weekend(me an dhim were in the middle east),,,he told me...he love me..but things change..he told me that he seems far from me anymore...and he may not treat me the same anymore...so i must not complain...coz it semms that he cannot pass even small mistake i will make...he will complain...just like whenever we are discussing and he canot accept the word or my explanation that it will hit him or things he avoid to discuss..he will get angry and telling me to stop....
i told him...i read that the wife must please the husbnd...becuase he is her half ...and the half of the religion...so i said,,,i will pray for a lot of patience and understanding...imagine...i canot complain,,,he will complain....
My der Sister Z...i dont have anybody toburst all of these emotion except Allah...and this website...i cannot even tell my family...until i will come with the final solution...i cannot tell them as much as i can carry on...because if i will tell them,,,,of course I wil say about the problem,,and it will not be good on my husband side...im protecting his morale also..
He is afraid that if he will tell his mom (his father is dead) she will not accept...coz he tried to tell her situations like this,,,not telling its him...and she object...100%...he said that 'What if i will marry a girl with other nationality and she is a good muslim...praying...going in islamic school...is it ok?" His mom replied..."there are same our nationality who is like that"...and if they will know that he married me...they will forsake him...not allowed to attend on any function the family will have...like i will be as you said...a doormat!
i told him..i understand your mom,,,im also a mother and i want the best for my son...but want i've learned in islam...the best wife or husband you can find is the one best in their deen...inshaallah when my son will come to me and and wants to marry, whatever nationality...as long as the faith to his religion is there,,,and following the quran and sunnah.. i will not object...
Sometimes i want to tell him...did your mom knows the Prophet Mohammad (SAWS) last sermon on the 9th day of Dhull- Hijjah.
""All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves"""
Through this all, alhamdullillah...these trials im facing now made my emaan grow...this is my JIHAD...i told him,,i know shaytan whispers to people...especially in the most critical stage of their life...problems..when it rain, it pours....but i will not give shaytan the satisfaction by ending this mariage...if it will end into divorce ,,it will be on Allah's will...coz only Him knows best...Each time, we finished talking,,,and im hurt, im praying... after praying every day,,,,it will never pass that i will not cry...praising Allah,,,asking forgiveness and begging to let us stay...if only He wills...and if not, open my heart and give more emaan....to bear all of this,,,
and i proved also that your emaan will not be incresed by just saying so,,,the thing that helped me alot is reading quran and sunnah and other relatedbooks to islam(though sometimes its hard to understand), im checking in 'you tube' surah recitation...this website...and the prayers and dua...
Above thisall,,,i prayed to Allah not to give me burden which i cannot bear...i know im in the stage that my faith were on test...i may lost evrything...but inshallah iwill notlossthis deen. and i'm just remeber the trials that came to the previous prophet (may Allah be please with them)...
i maybe distressed now...but in Allah's will,,i will survive...and im asking for Allahsblessings for you people who have websites like this...because its like,,,you came in the right time...when my world is falling...as the saying goes...your words of wisdom,,,esp you Sister Z,,made me fight for my right...please include me in your dua...I WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE...INSHAALLAH
When i will come back to middle east inshaallah,,,i will ask my islamic school for a good and pious imaam...to discuss this all.
my apology for this long complain and explanation....
May Allah guides u all...
Jazakallahukhayr
Fatima
Walaikumsalaam Dear Sister Fatima,
Please do not apologise as you do not know, but in many ways, you are helping others through sharing your experience here. My eyes filled with tears when I read your reply, as I wish I was strong enough to fight. That will not make sense to you, but my dear sister, Allah is continuously testing us all, and He is testing me now immensely.
I was reading Surah Nisa and some other ayahs from the Quran on my journey to work this morning and I thought of you. So I just want to share some of the beautiful verses that I read, they may help you a little inshaAllah.
With regards to the married couple:
V34: Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have guard..."
V??: "If ye fear a breach between the twain, apoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers: if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation: for Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things"
V128: "If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves: and such settlement is best; even though men's souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practise self-restraint, Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do.
V129: Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her hanging. If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practise self-restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, most Merciful.
V130: But if they disagree (and must part), Allah will provide abundance for all from His all reaching bounty: for Allah is He that careth for all and is Wise."
Sister, I am not married, but I believe there are some things that are essential for a marriage to be successful: respect, trust and the ability to communicate completely openly without fear. I'm sure those who are married will agree.
May Allah help and guide you in passing this test...
Feel free to contact me in anytime inshaAllah
xxx
dear Sister Z,
can u pplss give mme ur email add.ineed help.i was devastated...i dont know what 2 do.or pls add me in ym if u have...i need urgent help.
jazakallahukhayr
fatima
Asalaamualaikum Sister Fatima,
I have emailed you, so you should have my email address.
I am worried about you. Please do write either here or to my email address.
I hope I can help you by Allah's Will.
xxx
Dear Sister Z,
Jazakallahukhayr for everything..may Allah reward you and all other fellow brothers and sisters out there who are supporting this websites,,,giving all explanations...through the quran and sunnah and also through the realities of life.
it was tough...but Alhamdullillah, i am managing myself now...i was not that hurt anymore...its not that i give up already...or got used in the situation,,,or fridig as they may say...but i now know where to go,,,,Allah is so powerful and merciful....and on every trials that we faced, as long as we stayed with him and avoid haram things,,,his blessings will come on us....it was proven by myself...Alhamdullillah...
Sacrificing for your religion is the best any human being can do,,,coz he will received the best blessings and guidance from the Creator of all..
ma salam
Dear Fatima, Asalaamualaikum,
Alhumdulillah - its lovely to hear from you sounding so much stronger.
InshaAllah your sabr will be rewarding : )
xxx
Dear Sister Fatima,
Your story and struggle has really touched me.
Can you please tell me how things are with your marriage right now. Has things improved over the past two years?? Does his family know now??
I would very much appreciate a response as i am also in a similar situation.
Wa salam