Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The only thing holding me back from accepting his proposal is his lack of education

muslimah education

My mother just told me that this winter when we go to Pakistan she wants my nikah to be done. I know who the guy is and I have known him and his family since about 1994 if not earlier. We grew up togather and I am best friends with his younger sister. His entire family loves me. As for him, I'm pretty sure he likes me- we get along, talk etc.

The only problem is education. I only have 3 more semesters left to get my BA (USA citizen) but he didnt even go to college. Other then that he does have a job in Pakistan and people are just naturally attracted to him (meaning he is really outgoing etc)

My mother told me that it is my decision to make. I just dont know what to do. I mean part of me really wants to be with him- I know it wont be perfect but I also know that if its not him then im gonna always wonder you know? Also, no other guy has really come my way and even if one has I never really noticed it nor did I try to make something happen. My older cousins are all in their 30's and not even engaged yet. I made a promise to myself that i was going to get engaged by the time I am 23.

our families are both good with each other and the last time I saw him he was trying to learn more about my younger brother and sister (both of them really like him also, not to mention my parents too).

Everything is good and fine. I feel like the only thing thats really holding me back is the education thing. I dont know what to do.

this isnt arranged and i am not being forced into anything.

- sgulab

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

11 Responses »

  1. dear sister salam
    iam a married women i think according to my experience to marry a known person is better than unknown and as u hav told his parents like you he himself likes you then wht more do you need when he has 9/10 qualities which you like the issue is only with the education i think you have to forget it and move forward to get married
    hez capable to earn has a gud job i dont think you have to worry about anything
    May Allah Grant you A very happy life

  2. Bismallah

    Salaam Alaikum sister.

    Just marry him and don't make his lack of education an issue.
    I never really went to college either but I'm STILL very much capable
    of having a mind stimulating conversation.
    Our Holy Prophet (SAAW) Peace and blessings be upon
    him and his HOLY family told us that if a man
    proposes and is pious and has EXCELLENT manners
    then they should accept his proposal.
    I say do it Inshallah.
    Ask him if he's regular in his prayers and zakat
    and other WAJIB religious obligations. Ameen.

  3. Sister go for it and say Bismillah.........
    May allah bless you with khayr

  4. I don't think you need to marry someone with the same level of education as yourself. However, I also think you need to be realistic about the practicalities of living in the USA. You have a Bachelor's degree from an American university. This means that you have completed high school, you are fluent in English, and yuou are competitively employable. There are a wealth of opportunities available to you. Your fiance, however, did not pursue post-secondary education. High Schoolin Pakistan ends at grade 10; in the US, it ends at grade 12. Do you know why he did not go to college? If it is because he did not have the intellectual capability, or if it was because he was not interested or lazy, then I think you need to think strongly about your decision. Will you be living in the U.S.? If so, will he be able to secure a job that will be sufficient to support you and your future children financially? Or, do you think that burden will fall on you? These are hard economic times; your husband has an obligation to support you financially. If he is unable to obtain employment upon your marriage, then there will be some added stress to a new marriage, superimposed upon the fact that he will be a new immigrant etc.

    All i am suggesting is that you be cognizant of the practicalities of marriage. He may be a very nice Pakistan.

    • Precious Star, I was about to tell her not to worry about his education level; but the scenario and questions you posed her are all excellent and have helped to frame the issue in a new light. Thank you.

      Wael Editor

  5. Assalam O alaikum sister Sgulab:)-

    First of all sister, I would recommend that don't get into this engagement thing and get married after getting to know about this cousin of yours because this engagement thing is not only unislamic but also a lot of brother and sisters end up committing sins and also lose their focus (as you are studying, if you get engaged then your mind will always be diverted toward your fiance. It happens in most cases, believe me).
    Sister! any brother or sister who wants to get married and is looking out for potential spouse then only he/she himself/herself can decide what they should do when they find that special someone. Why? because "what are we looking for in a spouse" differs from person to person:)- right!. Ideally sister, you should see how practising he is and his attitude, treatment and behaviour with other human beings; his parents, elder brother or sister, close or distant family members, or other people who he deal with on day to day basis. Sister, when I say practising, then it doesn't mean a brother who just prays 5 times a day, fast, or does zaka etc, because there are a lot of brothers out there who still are not good Muslims because they don't treat people around them nicely especially their wives. And there are a lot of example where a brother is practising but still he doesn't fulfil the rights of his wife and this forum is full of stories from married sisters who are ignored by their pious husbands.
    Secondly! like I said before what you want in life. Discuss issues like;
    *- What is he looking for in a wife?
    *- How does he see the role of a man as a husband and later as a father in the family?
    *- Is he willing to relocate? (believe me there are still a few guys who don't want to come to UK, US, Canada or simply any where in the West).
    *- Ask yourself, if you are willing to relocate? (anywhere with your husband, not particularly in Pakistan.)
    *- If you are career-minded then is he going to be fine if you work after marriage or is he looking for a house wife?
    *- How he wants to raise his children, what are his views, values and plan for the future?
    *- If you think you both have a good understanding then ask him if he wants to improve himself by enrolling on a course which will help him choose a better career after completion (because he should be earning enough to support his family unless he can do so with his current job). Also, is he willing to improve/learn English? (Again it depends whether you are fluent in Urdu or he is good at English or mix of both. As communication is very important in a relationship and there have been cases where either or both spouses couldn't understand each other due to little to no understanding of each other's language).
    Sister! remember just because he is "outgoing" is no guarantee for a healthy and happy relationship after marriage, there is more to that. Like your likes, dislikes, views on different issues after marriage, mutual understanding, honestly, etc.
    Sister! consider yourself lucky that your parents have allowed you to choose your future husband, but don't forget that this is a responsibility too as tomorrow if things don't go your way {may that never happen Insha Allah (amin), may be you were ignoring this aspect} then, you will have no one else to blame but yourself. IF HIS EDUCATION IS THE ONLY PROBLEM THEN ASK HIM TO IMPROVE HIMSELF IF HE REALLY CARES FOR YOU AND WANTS TO BE WITH YOU SISTER. We are never too old to learn, some people even keep studying and improving themselves after marriage:)-
    May Allah SWT make this test easier for you and for all those brothers and sisters who are facing similar problem. (Amin)

    Wasalam, MKS1982:)-

  6. Go for it and count your blessings at least he will have kadhr for you and love you for the person you are inshallah you will make the right choice

  7. Assalaamu alaikum,

    Sister as mentioned previously by precious star, you need to think about factors that may cause problems and whether you have solutions or even thought about them??

    What is recommened is to look for piety in a person more than anything else. Looks, education, family status etc are all secondary compared to how God fearing someone is. So firstly what I wanted to remind you, since you havent mentioned anything about his deen in your post, is that its ur duty to find a man who is religiously committed and will make you a better muslim inshallah and be your other half.

    If his deen and akhlaaq and all are good, even then I think we should be practical in life and Islam does not speak against this. I understand how it works for many pakistanis that I see where marrying from "back home" is the norm for them however is much more likely to work with bringing a sister from pakistan as compared to a brother. I mean to say that it is more likely to work out that a man marries a woman from back home than it is the other way round...because women, by nature, adapt and change and are not responsible over the household like a man is (working outside to provide etc). Whereas when a man from back home marries a woman who is brought up and educated in the West, many a times there is a big clash in their views/perspectives/dreams/goals in life. In simple issues, men from "back home" tend to think majority of us women here in the west are too "westernised" and we think they are too backwards lets just say.
    These kind of problems occur and I have seen divorces occur because of these problems...and I have witnessed how its more difficult for a sister than for the brothers when marrying someone from back home.

    Other important issues were raised by precious star. Have you thought about all of those??? Trust me you dont want to be in a marriage where you are doing the job of a husband and a wife...dont do it , you'll regret it sooner/later. I personally do not recomment that AT ALL. Even out of kindness...incase your thinking of being the breadwinner for some time or something. Let it be the way Allah has said it should, each to their own role.

    Education does not necessarily guarantee a happy marriage, however, even scholars 'recommend' that the husband should be equally or more educated than the wife, ideally speaking...just like he should ideally be taller etc. Its not a condition of course but looking at life and experiences, such conclusions have been deducted by them.As if it were to be otherwise, it could create problems in the marriage.
    Encouraging you to marry an educated man like yourself is not about his graduation photo matching yours but its about the whole concept of your mentality and the level that your at and how you look at life and all that, which has to some degree been affected by your education, to match his.
    Its not about the certificate saying you'r a pass in this and that...but its how that knowledge has affected ur thoughts and being as an individual and having someone who is has also gone through that will increase your chances of having a greater understanding between the two.

    We dont know him...however we have told you some important issues to consider before making a decision.
    Of course a very important thing you must must must do is pray Salatul Istikhaara. Ultimately guidance is from Allah and He knows if this man is good for you. So Pray Istikhaara and do as you shall be guided inshallah. 🙂

    Was salaamu alaikum

  8. Assalamualaikum sister. .

    perform istikhara salaat;

    inshaALLAH ALLAH will guide you what to do further. .

    This is the best advice i can give you . .

  9. slam

    i really want to say go for it if he has a good deen and cares about his relationship with Allah, but before you go for it, you HAVE TO make sure that you can look over his lack of education in the future and that you wont look down on him because of this issue. let's face it , if you dont come to terms with the fact that he's not educated and you do end up marrying him, then there will be alot of tension between you guys and it wont be a pleasant experience.

    I my self went through a similar situation. At first i was cool with it because he was on the verge of going back to school, but he found a very good job with a good salary and education was history after that. I made the descision not to go along with it because EDUCATION IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME AND MY FAMILY AFTER DEEN OF COURSE. I knew that in the long run i would've never been OK with it.

    Just sit down with your self , think about it, and go with your gut feeling ( after you make estkhara)

  10. salaam,

    Most people go to college to get a job, but in fact there may be more jobs (that pay better) that do not require post-secondary education (depending on where you live). You mentioned that he has a job, so that isn't a problem. As long as his intelligence is enough for you to understand each other, which it probably is, he sounds like a suitable partner for you. Allah knows best.

Leave a Response