His Mixed Signals have Driven me to Depression
I'm a 25 year old Muslim girl. As a child I was extremely sensitive and lonely because my father worked abroad and my mom was always busy taking care of children. Her attention was divided and that's why I always needed a friend to whom I could talk to about everything. Somehow my only wish to have a true friend never came true and a time came by when my strong desire to have a best friend died and I started liking my loneliness.
Despite my sensitivity and lonesomeness, I was an optimist, I was a brilliant student, I took my teachers advice positively and always tried to do better in studies, always strove for improvement. I never realized that I was beautiful, attractive until I grew up and people commented on my looks.
I was never in a relationship, not even in my university where it was Co Education.
I have the most wonderful parents. They love me a lot, they've done everything for me. As a child I never faced financial problems but ever since I was 19, things went up and down financially but never stable like before. Even then my parents never let me feel that they were hand to mouth and fulfilled my needs like always. I graduated 2.5 years ago and immediately got a nice job, not perfect but a good, satisfactory job.
It was going fine until my colleague made me feel that I loved him. He also made commitments and behaved like he really loved me. But the truth is I was being used, he already had a girlfriend that he wanted to marry. I still don't know why he approached me and appreciated my looks if he loved this girl so much. One of reasons I conclude is that she was ugly and he was flirting with me to fulfill his desire of being with a good looking girl. He proposed to me and said that he was breaking up with the other girl. I accepted his proposal. But only after a day, he shocked me with the news that he can't leave her and he doesn't love me, he only strayed but now he was sincere with the other girl.
I cried, cried and cried. I tried to collect myself and move on but only after a week, he again started doing things only a lover should do, blowing kisses, touching, grabbing my hand, praising my beauty. I was a fool again. I trusted him and though he really loved me. After a month he realized that he truly loved that girl and he can't be with me. I cried again. I felt like a woman with no self respect, no dignity, a woman a guy uses, only uses and then throws away. I did not commit Zina, nor did I reveal my body to him but I still feel used. He praised my body and became upset when I decided to move an didn't reply to his texts. At least he showed he was upset. But at the same time he claimed that he love that girl too. and on the other hand he kept telling me he cant see me with someone else. he ruined my life completely. I was truthful, true to my word, honest and in love with him but he only used me. I quit my job.
After few months He came to my house alongwith his family with a marriage proposal. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth, but I was unaware that it was the beginning of the end of my life. He was still in touch with the other girl. I realized that his family also used me to get rid of the other girl. It only lasted 20 days and they refused. I was shattered. I tried to commit suicide, tried to kill myself. During those twenty days, He confessed everything, and also admitted that he only loved me.I keep asking myself and I want an answer, if he loved that girl so much, why did he played with my feelings, my emotions?? why? Why? why praised my figure,why expressed his desire to kiss me, why cried before me like a child? why? why forced me to reveal my body to him on webcam ? why hold me back everytime I decided to move on.
I keep thinking all the time. He's still with that girl, he has convinced his parents for her, he is very happy in life.I ask Allah why people who betray, lie, deceive and hurt Allah's People are very happy in their lives, and honest, sincere people like me suffer in this world? I'm suffering from chronic depression. I want to die. I pray to Allah to give me death but my sufferings increase day by day. I want justice from Allah. I want him to suffer so that he'll never try to use and betray anybody. I have no job, I live every second of my life regretting that I let my family down and trusted someone, loved someone, kissed someone gave all my love and sincerity to someone who did not deserve it.
Although I never wished to commit Zina, but only a slight kiss is way more regretful to me. I feel I don't deserve to be married. Please help me. Will he get punished for all he did to me?
- Brokenheart
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Salaam Sister,
You are taking this very hard - more badly than necessary. This is because you have been getting carried away with your emotions and lost your sense of logic and reason which needs to be applied to this situation.
Good males will pursue a woman for marriage. Other males will pursue a woman for sport, entertainment, fun or just to see what they can achieve.
The way to identify the good male from the bad male is difficult and takes a lot of intellectual effort on behalf of the woman. But there are some major signals that the male who is pursuing you is a time waster and one who is playing games are: 1.) he is already involved with someone 2.) he is quick to get romantic with you and slow to get serious with you 3.) being with him requires you to break some of your rules and do things that you would never normally do. 4.) he is unclear about his intentions (they change regularly).
When we encounter a man who wants to play games with us - the most appropriate response is to stop playing the game - close off all contact. If we do not do this, then what happens is we invest our faith and our feelings into someone who has no intention of honouring those feelings. We also start to fantasise this person and we give them attributes that they do not have and buy into the idea that they are actually what they say they are, and then we imagine that they are this wonderful hero who makes us feel like a princess, when actually what is in front of you is simply: a man who is playing games. He says and does all of these things simply to have access to you. That's it.
It sounds like what has happened in your situation is that you were not prepared or educated about this dynamic between the male and female and you did not have the appropriate tools to identify a man who is playing games with you and therefore you did not have the appropriate defence mechanisms in place to shut down his route of entry to your world and close him off from access to you.
The way to get back onto the road of recovery is to write down a list of all of the things you believed about him and loved about him. Then go back through the list and cross out all of the things that are not now in retrospect true. Now look at what has happened. You have been played with by a man who had no good intention from the get-go, a man who is not actually what you believed him to be, or indeed what he promised to be. This should make you feel significantly better about not being with him.
This has all been one big game for him, and one emotional roller coaster for you. He showed you many signs from day one that this was a game, but unfortunately like many women, you couldn't identify them.
Now, inshaAllah you can see that you have lost nothing at all - because there was nothing there in the first place.
Peace,
L
Leyla, Thanks for your answer. But the problem is every time I cry or regret over the past, people around me, like my family get a wrong idea about all of this.I do not cry because he is not with me, I do not cry because I could not be his wife as I hoped in the past. I only cry because I regret the past. I regret letting someone enter my life who was not worth it.
You're right. He is definitely not the one he pretended to be.The way he presented himself, he is not the one. He is liar, betrayer, user, having no respect for women, all in all he has not even a single quality I look for in my husband.The only thing I regret is that I have lost my pride, my dignity , my self esteem by letting a loser come near me in whatever way.How do I come out of this regret? this depression is killing me everyday.
Salaam my dear Sister,
You have made a mistake - and that is hard on the pride, and it hurts the ego yes, yes - it is true. We all hate to lose, to feel that we have been take advantage off and it is painful indeed. We get plagued by memories and at each memory we wince, and flinch at the though of it and it is indeed torture.
You have broken rules, you crossed boundaries and now you are suffering the consequences. However, like all temptations that are delivered to us, one temptation quickly follows the other and you are being tempted into despair, and tempted away from recognising the many blessings that have come to you and rescued you from moments that could have been so so much worse.
You are wrong to say you have lost your pride, dignity and self respect - these are qualities which can be damaged and regained, weakened and strengthened - always changing, always can be changed.
The past cannot be changed so its a waste of time looking back and wincing. You must look forwards now, and take what you have gained from this experience. Anyone can stand up and walk, but it takes strength to take a bad fall and stand up and walk again. You have fallen down, yes. Are you going to stay there on the ground? Or will you get up again? And walk again? And run again?
Get up. Say "elhamdulilah", say "it could have been worse", recognise the blessings that shower you constantly and move forwards with strength and do not falter.
Get determined about your life, your future, your faith and your beliefs. Get determined about recovery and feeling better, and stronger and more powerful in yourself.
We are Muslim women. We are strong. We have faith.We stick to the straight path.
And we do not let bad directions, or losers, or bad experiences, or mistakes divert us.
Peace,
L
salam sis Leyla,
I like the way you answer alhamdulillah as her conditions is like mine, I kept read and read to remember it that I will be ok again, I am strong etc.
can I contact you in private ?
Salaam Muslimah 10 - if you email Wael, he will forward the email to me and we can speak that way
Peace,
L
Dear Brokenheart :O),
You are bound to be upset and its ok. It shows that you are sincerely regretful of your errors and this is part of the healing process.
Families - i.e. parents and siblings sometimes find it hard to relate to their nearest and talking about such emotions is not always easy to do with them. But do let them know you are not crying over losing this person.
At such times, good friends are great to be around. You can cry infront of them; laugh with them and tell them exactly how you are feeling and they wont judge you or expect you to 'just pull your socks up'.
Dear Sister - Allah tested you and you tripped up BUT we all make mistakes. Do you think there is anyone who has not tripped up at some point in their lives? You've learned lessons through this experience, lessons that you would never have known before. You've realised where you went wrong now : ). This 'realisation' is the gift from Allah. You've become a wiser young soul and next time you are faced with a situation; you'll have extra tools of wisdom to help you make the right choices. Doesnt mean you'll never err again, but you'll be stronger and wiser. A broken heart can only get stronger huh :O) trust me.
How do you come out of the regret?
- You speak to Allah and you confide in Him(swt). Talk to Allah now as directly as you do when you write here asking for advice. And remember that when you seek forgiveness from Allah - He(swt) has promised to forgive you. Allah is already helping you and maybe you do not realise. He(swt) has taken this person away from you and has thus saved you :O).
- Try to keep yourself busy with doing something - be it Salaah, recitation of Quran, seeing your friends and family, attend some spiritual Islamic talks. Do some voluntary work - its makes the soul feel peace. Give some money to charity to plant a tree, to educate an orphan, to clothe a poor Palestinian child, to feed someone, to give someone the chance to have simple but life changing surgery...
- Remind yourselves of all the wonderful things that Allah has given you. Remind yourself that since you are alive, healthy, have a roof over your head and understanding of faith - you have a strong foundation to build upon.
Sis - Whatever this person has done - he will feel regret at some point. They always do. That too is human nature. What has happened with you has happened, you could not have avoided it and you cannot chage it. What you can do now though is change the way you respond to it. Accept what has happened as your mistakes and Allah's Will. Now - look forward. Allah will love you for feeling regret and for turning to Him. Slowly but surely, time and faith will heal your pain.
A dear friend forwarded this message to me yesterday by text. It helped my tears fall and in doing so to take a breath of relief. I hope it does the same for you :O)
"When you prostrate, then inform Him of your secrets; but do not let even the one by your side hear you. Whisper to Him with the tears of your eyes for He is the Master of your heart. When a new days visits you, then say: 'Welcome oh honored guest', then make good it's hospitality through an obligatory prayer fulfilled; a sunnah perfomed; some Quran recited; and repentance renewed. And along with all of this, smile :O)! For there is One who cares for you, helps you, listens to you and sees you. He is Allah. He has not made you weep except to make you laugh, and He has not taken from you except to give to you; and He has not deprived you except to be gracious to you; and He has not tested you except that He loves you. There is no god but Allah!"
Chin up my girl - you can only become stronger now inshaAllah
xxx
Thank you, Thank you Sister Z and Leyla, you are too kind. I feel much better now. Indeed I have learned alot and I have realized that how stupid I was.My parents raised me under strict supervision and I could not know how the real world is like and how it works, how evil people are out there and what kind of games they play.Untill Allah made me encounter the baddest of them all, the greatest liar , betrayer, a person who opens his moutn only to tell a lie, a selfish and mean person who approaches someone only to satisfy his desires, a person who does a good deed only to see if it benefits him and I have learned everything from him. now I know how to cope with people like him and how to handle situations like this Alhamdulillah. I was only upset because I made some mistakes but still grateful to Allah that he protected me from further falling into his traps that could result into some irreparable damage.Indeed Allah tests the ones he loves. .JazakAllah.
Salam sis,
Alhamdulillah you feel uplifted and can see the lesson, would you like to share it what you learn ?
I was dealing with kind of man like that but still can not see what I should learn and how to cope, indeed i still think of him that he is good.
Dear Muslimah10,
We all have good and bad points. Acknowledge the good points about this person but if this person has used and abused you, do not allow memory of the good to delude you into forgetting the bad.
We must use our wisdom to weigh things up, imagine a weighing scale - one side for good, the other for bad. Which one is heavier? Is it safe to be around this person, or is it better to keep away?
On the other hand, someone maybe good and not necessarily be dangerously bad for you, but his traits and characteristics may not be in sync with yours.
'Muslimah10' - I don't know what your situation is, so I can't comment specifically. All I shall say is, when you feel pressured to do or say something or feel a certain way that goes against your principles and makes you feel unhappy or disrespected, then that other person may not be good for you.
We need to train ourselves to be in sync with 'ourselves', know what is important to us, know what is good for us and what is damaging for us and then stay firm.
Alhumdulillah some sisters have a strong upbringing and have developed an awareness from a young age. Some have to learn through making mistakes. But Alhumdulillah, while we are alive, Allah is giving us chance after chance to step up to His chosen way. There is Allah's Wisdom in these journeys.
PS: Muslimah10 and BrokenHeart, when you love someone for the sake of Allah, you will not feel confused about whether the person is good or bad for you.
Sister Leyla,
I'm here because I'm going into depression day by day. I feel very angry, and I have a feeling of revenge in my heart. I even feel like killing him sometimes. I know its not good but this is happening to me.I can't go anywhere to start my life afresh(financial problems). I can't study further, I don't find any job. I'm having inferiority complex. Old memories are haunting me every day, every night. I think of everything he did to me and then got away scot free, I could lodge a complaint against him and get him fired but I did not. Instead he told everyone , his friends, even my boss that I was after him and never ever admitted his own wrongdoings, the way he treated me and begged me not to marry elsewhere. I cry all the time. I don't feel good. please help me.
Salaam Brokenheart,
I understand how you feel, I really do, and I want you to trust me when I say that these feelings are poison that will slowly kill you and it is important that you make effort every day to defeat them. They are taking all of your power away from you and leaving you weak and disabled and this is why this process that you are going through is a battle that you must win. It's one thing for a man to do what he did to you in the space of a week, a month, a year and it's a whole other thing to become affected for LIFE. Please, my Sister - you have to fight this with all of your strength and believe that it will pass.
There will be many battles like this in your life, some battles we can see coming, others take us by surprise and some defeat us in the most horrific manner, but my sister - you have to fight it. You have the power inside you to fight it and you can fight it.
What is happening inside of you right now is a battle between the dark and the light. The light is the faith, the belief that you will get over it, the belief that you have not lost anything and the belief that you are a strong person who can get over this. The dark is that sinking feeling in your stomach that tells you there is no recovery from this and that has defeated you. Don't sink into that darkness OK?
Stay focused - every time he comes into your head I want you to say "you will not have power over me" - I want you to do start running after Fajr prayer, just run it all out. Scream into a pillow, write an angry letter and then burn it. I want you to build up your determination and strength in this way - OK? You need to build up your strength and focus. This is a war that is happening inside of you and I want you to win this war, fight this battle and overcome this enemy inside you that tells you its all over.
My Sister, I need you to replace all thoughts of him with thoughts of your future - I need you to stop looking back and get determined about looking forwards. You can do it but you have to be determined to do it and you have to start seeing this as a battle that you have to win.
Peace,
L