His mother likes me as a person but won’t accept me as a wife on the grounds of race
Assalamualaikum.
Here's a little background info about my situation. I've known my current boyfriend for more than a year. We met while on vacation in New Zealand and were almost immediately attracted to each other. He is British born and bred, but of Pakistani origin.
On the other hand, I'm half Indonesian and half Chinese, and have lived in Singapore and Australia. Both of us were born and raised as Muslims. Im 24 and he's 28. Anyway, we kept in touch after our first meeting - videocalls online, phonecalls and texts. And we made it a point to meet up every few months in different countries such as Hong Kong and New Zealand.
Our parents are vaguely aware of us dating but never bothered about it much. I grew to love my boyfriend despite the distance between us and he felt the same about me. We got to a stage where we decided that we should get married when we are ready.
One day he suggested that I pay him and his family a visit. So last week I flew to the UK to meet them. I was extremely nervous about meeting his family for the first time in a foreign country. But I did it anyway because I was (and still am) in love with my boyfriend. The time I spent with them seemed to go well. Everyone was friendly enough. After that I went back to Singapore. When I got home my boyfriend told me that he and his family had a discussion about me. According to him, his family generally thought that I had impeccable manners, was well educated, disciplined and nice. However, his mother did let on that she doesn't think she can relate to me much because I'm from a different background. Apparently, she would prefer her son to marry a Pakistani like herself. My boyfriend had an argument with her on this.
It really saddens me to know that my race and culture would be an issue for his mother. I had an Islamic upbringing like my boyfriend did, I come from a middle class family, I have a respectable job and can support myself financially. So it really irks me to know that someone living in a cosmopolitan country like England would not approve of marriage between her Pakistani son and me (Chinese-Indonesian mix).
I was wondering what I can do to better this situation and convince his mother to approve of me so that we can marry in peace. And if she does not approve, is it ok for us to get married anyway? Would it be a sin to go against the wishes of a mother-in-law? My parents have not met my boyfriend in person yet but they have told me that I can marry any man I want as long as he is a practising Muslim.
Hope you guys can give me some feedback InshaAllah. Thank you.
- msnhs86
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Dear Sister, Asalaamualaykum,
Islam does not allow 'dating' and boyfriend/girlfriend style relationships between and unmarried couple. If you have crossed emotional and physical barriers with each other, then you must do tawbah immediately and ensure that any further contact you have with each other is within Islamic guidelines.
Unfortunately, some Muslims still discriminate against other cultures and races. It has nothing to do with Islam and is one of the greatest downfalls of our people. The Prophet(saw) made clear in his last sermon that no-one is better than anyone else due to their culture or race and that we can only be better due to our piety, but this should not cause someone to become arrogant. When we are choosing a spouse, we can judge someone's level of piety from what we see through their external behaviour as only Allah can see and judge the ghaib/unseen - the heart, mind and intentions of a person.
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I do not think there is much you can do to convince this man's mother, since she is already happy with you as a person; you cannot help her with her 'personal grudges, backwardness and intolerance to other cultures'. This is really something that this man has to deal with. He needs to talk to his mother and convince her; perhaps with the help of an Imaam or other family members. With regards to permission to marry, you only need the permission of your father and you say that both your parents are accepting to other cultures anyway Alhumdulillah. A man on the other hand does not need the permission of his parents to marry, but of course naturally it is better for him to have his mother's blessings. It is better because maintaining good family ties are very important in Islam and it is also best to avoid displeasing our mothers as much as possible.
If you do really feel you want to do something to help the situation; perhaps you could write to his mother. Let her know how you feel about her son and that you want to try your best to fit into their family, remind her that Islam has a culture of its own and does not discriminate against cultures. It can't do any harm.
Finally, all I will say to you is to mentally prepare yourself that this proposal may go either way. This man's decision will of course be influenced by how much pressure he gets from his mother and also on how independant he is. Talk to this man openly to see where you stand. In the meantime make dua to Allah to grant you with a spouse who will be good for your deen and your hereafter.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister,
Although it is obvious, I just thought I should add this: be sure to maintain your good manners and upright character because like everything in life, this is a test for you. Being in this torn situation, there may be times when you may feel hurt, tired and exhausted. Remember not to take this woman's rejection of you 'personally'. She doesn't know, but her opinions are more damaging to her own soul. Turn to Allah, seek guidance and ask him to give you patience to conduct yourself truly as a good Muslimah with this man and his mother.
May Allah give you the best, Aameen,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
subhaanah i cant beliv there r pple still thinking n actting lyk thiz .siis it happend 2 me as well but we got married noo mater wat coz we didnt do anthing haraam in our lyf n we were follwing allah'z way n allah mad it easy 4 uz n now i hav a duagther she iz 2month old n we r happy ever after lol
Asli,
It's nice to know that things have worked for you and that your married life is going well Alhumdulillah.
We would really appreciate if you wrote your comments in proper English. Apart from your very bad English being really annoying, it's also difficult to read and time consuming for anyone who bothers reading to the end. Communication is so important and if you want people to take you seriously, it would be a good idea to at the least write properly - I am sure you know how to.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you sister for your reply. I regret to say that perhaps we did cross the emotional and physical boundaries, although not to a great extent. Nevertheless I have made tawbah and continue to do so.
I think his mother is actually a very nice lady, barring the fact tht she can't accept me as a daughter in law. I've spoken to the man in question and apparently he had raised the issue to her a couple of times but his mother's answer was always the same, that she would rather he marry a pakistani. It's disappointing,I know. On the other hand, I had done istikhara and the outcome is usually blank. At times, I get a positibe feeling though. I'm thinking of writing to his mother as well. The problem is, I'm not sure what I should write. I hope someone out there can provide me with some pointers on what to say or not say? Or...should I meet up with her instead and have a 'woman to woman' talk? I have a bank holiday coming up and I suppose I don't mind making the 19 hour journey to her place.
msnhs86 has your situation been resolved? I'm in a similar situation-where his mum doesn't approve of me. We're from the same background, have the same social circle. But I'm a few years older than him & his mum refuses to accept me.
We met through mutual friends, & instantly clicked. I prayed istikharah from the outset, & got to know him for the purpose of marriage. We were living in different countries at the time & so a month later we met in our home country so we could meet each other's parents.
His mum then objected strongly on account of age.
I wanted to end things then, but after being in doubt, I prayed Istikharah again, & felt at peace, feeling I should continue it.
So we did, for another 3 months, praying his mum would come round. But she hasn't, and so now it's over.
He & I both know so many couples whose parents objected at first & then came round, & so I maintain some hope, placing my trust in Allah.
It's ridiculous that parents use such unIslamic reasons to prevent their children from marrying, destroying their happiness.
dear msnhs86,
i have the same issue, and i am tired, i realy in love with my boyfriend his mother don't want her son marry ((a foriegner girl)), we tried to break up but we couldn't .
you know in our islamic rolles we mast have the parents brrove to get married , he do't want to loss his mother or me but in the same time he can't convince his mother.
every one told me to break up and to be harsh with him, i don't know what to do and i can't live with out him?
P.S. i am 25, he is 26, we are educated, from middle class, and both of us have agood job