Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His mum won’t agree even though I am willing to convert

Woman alone

Salam if I am correct in saying that…

My best friend and I have known each other for 9 years, he is 29 and I am 28. I am Christian and he is Muslim. We have always been together, we confide in each other and we get along with each other. We are honest have not lied about anything even the most hurtful things this is the relationship we do have.

Recently we decided to be honest that this isn’t just about friendship but we actually do love each other a lot. My parents love him to bits and obviously love me as well so they do not oppose anything. They have told me that they will support me as long as I am happy and do what I feel is right in my heart.

I have told him that I am willing to change and this is all really new to me and he has to teach me and be patient in helping me learn about Islam.

His mum however has not been well since June this year. She has not met me at all and is against me and will not even hear about me. She has told him that he has to marry his 19-year-old cousin and leave me. He has tried convincing her but she will not hear of it.

I have been taught to always respect and love your parents and never let a tear drop from your mum as this is a curse on you.

I don’t know what to do. He is in a situation right now where he has to choose between me the person he loves or him mum.

She has been saying things like he needs her blessings and he can’t do at least this one thing for him. I do agree that we need her blessings but Why can’t I get a chance at this.

Please help what do I do, Do I walk away so that his mum is not hurt or do I stay which I have been trying to do but it kills me to think that he will hate me if he chooses me and his mum is hurt and then passes away.

I haven’t even been given a chance to prove that I will be a great Muslim and wife to him.


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4 Responses »

  1. Walikum salaam
    I know its hard but as a Muslim sister I know it's not easy for his mom to accept you. Its not right for her to think this way but she can't help it. My mom says to my brother that only way you can marry a converted woman if her mom was converted and got married to a Muslim man and then she was born. The reason I tell you this because culture do interfere parents to make right decision and they think so differently. When it comes to other culture value, parents are really strict. And I think she wont give you a change maybe because she made promised to the girl's family and doesn't wish to disrespect them. The only person can convince her is her son. he needs to tell his mom clearly that he wants to marry you and does not wish to marry the cousin. if he continues to make her see that you can be the best wife for him then inshallah (God might) she might accept you. seems like he is not fighting for you or your love hard enough. At this point it's in his hand and not yours to change her mind. If he can't convince her then it better to move on. when a person says I love you or I have feeling for you it doesn't mean by word but his action shows. If he really feels that way about you then he will fight for you and won't let you go. its not haram (wrong/sin) to say no to marriage proposal. he doesn't need to accept his moms proposal to his cousin. I wish I can advice you to do isthekara and pray 2 rakat extra salaah. Usually I do advice this way to others who goes through these situation, that you should face and remember your ROB (Lord) with your problem. its great of thinking about Islam and want to convert. I have high respect for you sister to change religion. Hope Allah makes it easy for you

    Take care!

  2. Wa alaikum As-salam (peace be on you too)

    It is very trying situation. I hope that God alleviate your problem and solve this in your favor. Amen. Al though, Islam and all religions have given rights to parents and commanded us to obey and respect them, but the marriage is the only thing where none can force or coerce anyone (daughter or sons).

    This is based on the following verse of the Holy Quran, Surah Bani Israel (also called Surah Israa) verse 23-24 where Allah commands children to obey and respect parents. but in the next verse, i.e., 25 Allah alludes to some extraordinary situation where you can't obey them.

    "Your Lord is most knowing of what is within yourselves. If you should be righteous [in intention] - then indeed He is ever, to the often returning [to Him], Forgiving."

    Similarly, it is the basic principle of Islam that "None shall be obeyed in disobedience of Allah." If parents say that you speak lie, or do some other sin. You can't follow them. You would respectfully decline.

    I know, parents have great rights and should be treated with utmost respect and should be obeyed in 'Ma'ruf' i.e., something that isn't sin. But parents sometime use this to emotionally blackmail their children. Which isn't fear. Children do have rights and one of their right is to marry according to their choice. Parents can't force their children and coerce their rights, too.

    Your friend in this case has to take a stand. As he is obliged to do in your case (because you have been together for long) and should not abandon you just because his mother don't like you. He should exercise his right of freedom to marry according to his will or love. He has the religious as well as moral responsibility especially when you are willing to convert to Islam. Again, I conclude with prayer that may God help you and change her heart. Amen.

    • Sorry I made a typo here:

      "But parents sometime use this to emotionally blackmail their children. Which isn't fear. "

      Read this as: But parents sometime use this to emotionally blackmail their children. which isn't fair.

      For example, I don't know about your culture as I live in Pakistan where one popular phrase used by mothers is 'I won't forgive the suckling/nurse feeding right. In fact, this is the responsibility or "Fardh" on mothers to breastfeed for 2 years, and its one of the rights of children to be breastfed for 2 years. If any mother doesn't breastfeed without any legitimate medical reason she will be answerable before God of not fulfilling the rights of children.

    • Ameen ya rabbul Alameen may allah guide all of us to the straight path and lead us to thee...
      I'll leave this comment saying sister ur current situation is happening only according to Allah's will don't over think neither give up ask allah and pray to him to give you that which is pleased in his sight...May Allah guide us all Ameen

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