His parents are against us marrying because of cultural differences
Salaam u alaykum everyone,
heartbroken
I am dealing with a very difficult issue which has affected me emotionally (and even physically) for quite some time. I am very much in love with a Muslim man and after 4 some odd years of knowing each other, we had plans to marry. However, when he approached his parents with the request to marry me, they were immediately against it. They have never seen me or met me, but it is simply my cultural background which fuelled their rejection. We are both Muslim and in our late twenties, but they do not wish for him to marry outside of his culture. (I am Egyptian he is Indian.)
This of course, broke my heart and I feel lost and powerless. I tried to convince him to convince his parents but he says the situation is hopeless and he wishes for us to be friends instead. I can't be friends with someone I want to get married to! Sometimes I doubt his resilience regarding this matter, even though I don't know the whole story, it seems as if he has given up so easily.
I'm not sure whether I should pursue this or give up. It is so very difficult to give up when you care so much for a person. I cried many days and nights about this and prayed to God for a solution. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am still in touch with him but that is hurting me even more, we argue often about this and it makes me feel even worse as he just keeps repeating that it's useless to pursue but still tells me that he misses me and talks to me in a "non-friend" way.
I would love to have some advice on what is best, because right now it feels like living hell..
Wasalaam, Nisreen UK.
-SeekingAnswers
Leyla Says:
Salaam Nisreen,
I am sorry that this man has consumed four valuable years of your life, only to chicken out at the finishing line.
The truth is that if he had sufficient courage, he would stand up for you (or at the very least insist that they would meet you first before they finally concluded). When a man cannot stand up for what he believes in, and cannot stand up for the rules even of his own faith which disallow such decisions on this basis: then the best thing to do is withdraw yourself from the conversation and desist from this path.
The reasons for this are as follows:
First of all, what happens because of pressure we apply will never be reliable. If he does not stand up for you of his own accord with his heart in it, and if he is doing this out of pressure that you apply: then the relationship will be weak and unstable and he will resent you for the troubles that he is going through. You will, in turn become angry with him for blaming you for anything. Therefore, where there are obstacles in life: all of us must overcome them through our own will for the end result of overcoming those obstacles to be safe, secure and reliable.
Second of all, it is often the case that people make such decisions because they are thinking only of themselves (either their image, or their relationship with the parents, or something else) and they are not thinking of how much pain they are putting the other person through. This can happen either because (a) the rejection from the family was very strong and distressing and they wanted to end the distress quickly and so they did not think of who else would be affected, (b) they see this as a temporary solution and are not understanding that the people who are being affected are taking them seriously or (c) because they are weak in their morals and decisions and therefore they cannot stand up for them. I am not sure which case applies to your intended, however what I would say is that is not worth fighting a war, with only one soldier (you).
Thirdly, where there is no sign or sight of success at the end of this path, any further time you invest will be wasted, and your efforts are better concentrated on something that will bring you happiness and the ending that you want.
There are many things I can add here, although I have tried to summarise in the points above.
The conclusion here, and the advice that I will give you is to step back and allow what needs to happen to happen and accept the consequences. If he chooses to stand up for you, you will come to know of it, and if he chooses to not stand up for it, you will be free from further pain. Whilst this will be painful and heartbreaking for you (after you have invested so much time and energy into this relationship, believing it would end in marriage) - it is better to go through this heartbreak one time and get over it, than to go through years of heartbreak and never get to where you want to get to.
I have seen this scenario many times and what often happens, is that when the female withdraws and invests in her own life, the male will try to have her in some way without giving the commitment As long as the female continues to stand her ground and resist settling for second choice (whether that be friendship or something else) the man will usually (if his intention is sincere) find some courage and stand his ground to make what needs to happen, happen. Where the female does not stand her ground, the man will continue to enjoy her time an attention until the parents seek out a girl they can accept and then poof! he disappears. I strongly advise that you withdraw completely. When he comes to you for more time and attention - be very firm and tell him that if he is not going to marry you you do not wish to hear from him. Later, you can cry with friends and family and go through your suffering in place where it will not feed his ego and give him confidence to continue trying to waste your time.
Do not be friends with this man - a clean break is best. It is the only way to ever know what his most sincere intention is.
The rulings of our religion regarding the male and female relationship do protect us from such scenarios, and I hope that this is recognised by all.
Peace,
Leyla, Editor, Islamic Answers
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Leyla's response:
Salaam Nisreen,
I am sorry that this man has consumed four valuable years of your life, only to chicken out at the finishing line.
The truth is that if he had sufficient courage, he would stand up for you (or at the very least insist that they would meet you first before they finally concluded). When a man cannot stand up for what he believes in, and cannot stand up for the rules even of his own faith which disallow such decisions on this basis: then the best thing to do is withdraw yourself from the conversation and desist from this path.
The reasons for this are as follows:
First of all, what happens because of pressure we apply will never be reliable. If he does not stand up for you of his own accord with his heart in it, and if he is doing this out of pressure that you apply: then the relationship will be weak and unstable and he will resent you for the troubles that he is going through. You will, in turn become angry with him for blaming you for anything. Therefore, where there are obstacles in life: all of us must overcome them through our own will for the end result of overcoming those obstacles to be safe, secure and reliable.
Second of all, it is often the case that people make such decisions because they are thinking only of themselves (either their image, or their relationship with the parents, or something else) and they are not thinking of how much pain they are putting the other person through. This can happen either because (a) the rejection from the family was very strong and distressing and they wanted to end the distress quickly and so they did not think of who else would be affected, (b) they see this as a temporary solution and are not understanding that the people who are being affected are taking them seriously or (c) because they are weak in their morals and decisions and therefore they cannot stand up for them. I am not sure which case applies to your intended, however what I would say is that is not worth fighting a war, with only one soldier (you).
Thirdly, where there is no sign or sight of success at the end of this path, any further time you invest will be wasted, and your efforts are better concentrated on something that will bring you happiness and the ending that you want.
There are many things I can add here, although I have tried to summarise in the points above.
The conclusion here, and the advice that I will give you is to step back and allow what needs to happen to happen and accept the consequences. If he chooses to stand up for you, you will come to know of it, and if he chooses to not stand up for it, you will be free from further pain. Whilst this will be painful and heartbreaking for you (after you have invested so much time and energy into this relationship, believing it would end in marriage) - it is better to go through this heartbreak one time and get over it, than to go through years of heartbreak and never get to where you want to get to.
I have seen this scenario many times and what often happens, is that when the female withdraws and invests in her own life, the male will try to have her in some way without giving the commitment As long as the female continues to stand her ground and resist settling for second choice (whether that be friendship or something else) the man will usually (if his intention is sincere) find some courage and stand his ground to make what needs to happen, happen. Where the female does not stand her ground, the man will continue to enjoy her time an attention until the parents seek out a girl they can accept and then poof! he disappears. I strongly advise that you withdraw completely. When he comes to you for more time and attention - be very firm and tell him that if he is not going to marry you you do not wish to hear from him. Later, you can cry with friends and family and go through your suffering in place where it will not feed his ego and give him confidence to continue trying to waste your time.
Do not be friends with this man - a clean break is best. It is the only way to ever know what his most sincere intention is.
The rulings of our religion regarding the male and female relationship do protect us from such scenarios, and I hope that this is recognised by all.
Peace,
Leyla, Editor, Islamic Answers
brother wael is there anyway i can email sister leyla privately please.
Salaam. Having been through the same situation il tell you quite honestly you need to let go. I was the same as you. Its soo hard knowing the man u would give everything for will not do the same for you. His parents wil never accept you.trust me. My exes parents never did. Both of us being muslim didnt matter. Our five year relationship was irrelevent to them. They could not accept a pakistani. I no how u feel i no how hard it is to break away. I used to cry so much. Pray, cry, sleep lose energy, argue with him. Ask him to fight for me more. To his credit he did. But still the same result.a no. This man of urs wont be happy to go against or leav his family for u. If ur like me u wd not want a guy to leave their family for u. It wouldnt be worth it in the end. Love takes u so far. U need more than that. And if he alredy says u two shud b friends it kinda shows that hes sorta accepting it. It wont b easy for u. It certainly wasnt for me. All i can say is one day i got sik of feeling powerless, sik of the insecurities and sik of the arguments. U just giv up. I did. The only difference is in my situation he ddn say lets b frends he sed he wd keep arguing his point till they gave in n meanwhile we shud do no haraam. Fair enuff. But how long can u wait? To my knowledge this arguing stil is happening in his house. Difference is now we both no inside it probly wont happn. Theyv won and thats fine. I hav no energy left. Even if they sed yes how cd i go in a family knowin they ddn want me. In ur case hes not even fightin for u n is hapy to stay frends. Thats disrespectful to u and u cant allow that t happen. Its hard not to take this prejudice personally but they dont hate u. They just cant see past the differences. Im sorry to read things like this because the pain is stil so real to me. I kinda wish i cd fix it fr u but i cant. Our mistake was gettin involved and believe me im payin the price. Pls just let it go. Dont destroy urself. One day he cd turn round n say right im off gettin married to sumone else. Imagine the heartbreak n get out now.
aslm alykm, am sorry about the heartache that you are going through. as someone who has gone through the same thing and is still going through the same thing, i would advise not to entertain him. i know its very hard but believe you me, its better this way than him asking you to be friends with him. i did the mistake of staying friends with him, and what did i get in return more pain. the guy is getting married. so i decided to let go. but you my sister you dont have to go that road, dont cling on the hope that it might work out and stay friends and continue to chat, like sister leyla said take a clean break dear, and insha allah i pray allah places that lost with something much better insha allah. and to all the sisters that are going through heartbreaks including me, may allah grant us pious husband. ameen. ramadhan kareem to all brothers and sisters.
Nisreen,
The lines between culture and religion are so blurred for our parents generation! They don't know one from another. In fact, for those from the Asian sub-continents, cultural traditions appear to be far more important. Although it's hard not to take this rejection from his family personally, it isn't personal, it's just fear of the unknown. I can't justify his parents behaviour in the same way there is no justification for his behaviour. After having spent 4 years with you, I don't doubt he loves you but there's more to it than that. You have to ask yourself whether you want to waste your previous energy on a man who doesn't have the courage to stand up for what he himself wants. If he can't stand up for himself now, how is he ever going to be able to stand up for you? You can't force someone to fight for you... It's heartbreaking, but walking away now is the lesser of two evils. It sounds like he's come to terms with his fate (ie a life where you're not his wife) but because he can't bear to let you go, he wants to keep you as a friend. But he can't have his cake and eat it.
You both have difficult choices to make. Use the month of Ramadhan to pray for guidance and ask Allah to help you through these tough times and know that whatever happens, happens for the best.
I wish you all the best. And remember, the man whose worth crying for, wouldn't bring a tear to your eye...
Take care
Sabina
@ Sabina
Loved your last sentence; the man who is worth crying for, wouldn't bring a tear to your eye.
Well said!
It is unbelievable how many times this story seems to repeat. Aliya and Sabrina- your advice is great and as sad as it is, sometimes need to hurt and wait it out to heal. It always seems to be the women who end up burnt and not really the other way- so to the muslim men , learn to respect and treat women well
I am a firm believer in the adage that "what goes around ,comes around" so for all the people who have harmed someone will pay for their evil way. This also goes by Islam which says- and eye for an eye.
True - an eye for an eye.
And its better to forgive, because we may have done something so bad against our own soul hence angered Allah that forgiving that person might just be our key to salvation on the day of Judgement.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
How can forgiving a sinner be the key to salvation?
I would think it was obvious. Forgiveness earns forgiveness.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
With all do respect, I disagree with Leyla (the first responder)
I don't even know how I stumbled upon this article but I am going through much of a similar situation. I'm Pakistani and the girl I like is Afghan and the culture issue is a mess and her mom doesn't want her to talk to me because I'm not Afghan.
To the sisters that believe this doesn't happen to brothers, call me a sister then - because my pain has been excruciating as well.
But to think that after 4 years, the man gave up is a bit much. It isn't about giving up. The thing about Islam is that it has an extreme value to BirulWalidane - Respect for Parents. To the point where after all worship and obligatory prayers to Allah, the next best thing to do in this world is to obey your parents... even before performing Jihad.
The truth is, if he had sufficient courage, he would respect and want to do what his parents wanted him to do because it takes FAR more courage to suppress your feelings for the girl you love for the sake of Allah than to stand up to your parents. In your case, the boy you love.
There's too much Baraqah in listening to your parents for anyone to go against it ever. The fact of the matter is, their decisions (whether logically correct or incorrect) have so much baraqah in them that we can't even imagine. Our duty as the sons and daughters of theirs is to listen to them - not blindly but for the sake of doing something to please Allah. Allah is pleased with those who listen to their parents. If He sees that you and him are listening to his parents, will He not be pleased with you? And if the Creator of all beings and all thoughts and all emotions is pleased with you, will He not give you what your heart wanted?
I don't believe he chickened out by any means - in fact I believe he did the opposite. I'm a man and trust me, to fight the fight of not talking to someone you truly love to talk to for the sake of pleasing Allah and hoping for His reward is a far greater fight than to fight her or my parents (as in my situation). But I believe in Him and I believe He's there and I believe if I do something for Him, He'll do a bunch for me.
Sister Nisreen, this could be the last test for Allah to see whose in your heart. Is it Him (SWT) or him? The moment it's Him (SWT) completely is when him will flood in as well. I don't buy in that parents will never change there mind because who are we to judge what Allah only knows? My mom wanted me to marry a Pakistani for the longest time and she didn't budge. And just last week she told me this: "I don't mind her for where she is from and just pray to Allah that if she is right for you, that Allah makes my heart bigger enough to accept it." SubhanAllah just HEARING my mom say that brought me to believe that Allah can make ANYTHING happen. Because a few years ago, my mom would NEVER want me to marry anyone outside of my Pakistani culture.
If you take a step back and listen to his parents who say that the marriage won't work, and you do it solely to please Allah because you know the gravity and immense reward you will get for listening to parents, I truly believe and hope that Allah will help you sister. Have hope, not in his parents changing their mind, but have hope that Allah reward you and him for going through such a painful time solely to please your Creator and Sustainer. Allah knows what's in your heart - trust Him and everything He is able to create iA can be in your hands.
You are fighting and you're fighting a much bigger fight than you think - Allah will reward you inshaAllah. Stay strong and I'll keep you in my duaa that in the infiniteness of His knowledge, mercy, forgiveness, and strength, He helps you.
Wasalam
Thank you very much for your advice and supporting words. Jazzakoum Allah Khairan, I appreciate the different viewpoints given and I will hope and pray for the best to happen. I will cut off contact, for the sake of Allah, for the sake of my future and for the sake of some peace of mind and peace in this situation.