Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His parents heard some wrong info about me and rejected me

Whispering rumors and lies

Assalaamu Alaykum,

I am a widow for the past 4 and a half years and have 2 children. 8 months ago I met a good Muslim guy in my area and we took a liking to each other. We spent time together but were not intimate, he's a Hafiz so he'd tell me stories about the Prophet and teach me things from the Quran.

We ended up falling in love and he did istikhara and it came out positive, so he decided to tell his parents that he was ready to get married.

His sisters heard other stories about me saying that I have 3 kids from different guys and I just wana use him for his money as i'm not working. Well the sister saw a pic of my kids and my nephew, who is darker than them and assumed that he is also my child, and at the time I was speaking to her, I had just gotten retrenched. So she went and told the whole family these stories.

This guy has alot of respect for his parents, when his father speaks he expects u to keep quiet even if he's wrong else he views it as u backchatting and he still hits him even tho he's 27 now. So I understood that he couldnt defend me and tell them the truth about me.

We decided to just be patient and make lots of dua and try to do good things and be good people so Allah can accept our duas. I also did isthikhara on whether I should wait for him and I got a positive response. So I remained patient, kept my mind occupied by learning more about Islam and reading and learning Arabic.

5 months later his sister and I have a conversation on facebook, and she ends up inviting me for Eid breakfast. I went and the eldest sister was also there, so I told them all about me and we got to know each other and they took a liking to me. I found out that later that day the younger sister found out that she invited me and told the whole family. So when she went to see her parents they started fighting with her and pushing her around and swearing at her cos she invited me, and she tried to tell them the real facts but they just wouldn't listen. and the guy begged her to leave things as she was getting a beating for his sake.

The parents and the uncle ended up telling the guy that if he wants to marry me then he should pack his things and go and just forget about them and they even went so far as telling him that he works for his dad, he'll never get a job to support us because he has no qualifications.

Anyways, I dont like violence and the last thing I want is to be the cause of it. So when I heard I told him its best we just forget about each other, he can keep his parents happy but then he mustnt contact me at all so I can heal from this and move on. He didnt wana accept, he again said we need time to think things through.

His sister took me to meet their grandmothers nephew, who used to give the family alot of advice, and they used to turn to him alot but not anymore, because they also had an exchange of words. They advised me that I convince him to marry me without his parents permission. They said that they did the same with the 2 sisters, wouldn't accept the proposals from their husbands because they felt they were not fair enough, and therefore the sisters ran away from home to get married.

The younger sister, whose proposal they gladly accepted, is getting alot of problems from the husband and they've only been married a year whereas the other 2 sisters, have been married for over 13 years to their unwanted men.

They also spoke to a maulana and he also said we should just get married as their reason for refusing is unislamic.

This guy is very close to his parents, he has never let them down and I dont wana come between them. I love him alot tho and I believe that this is the man that Allah intended for me and he feels the same way about me. Im so confused, I really dont know what to do. I have been avoiding his smses and phone calls but it makes me really sad. Its like hes going out of his mind with hurt and confusion, Please advise on what to do.

- Roobee

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7 Responses »

  1. Roobee, wa alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullah,

    You say, "So I understood that he couldnt defend me and tell them the truth about me."

    It seems very strange to me that the man cannot find an opportunity to speak to his father calmly and tell him the truth. Can't he approach him politely and say, "Father, I would like to tell you something important. The truth is that... (whatever)."

    Another question I have is, who is your wali in all of this? Don't you have a male figure in your life (father, older brother, uncle) who can speak on your behalf? Your wali can go to the man's family and talk to them, and clear up any misconceptions. They may be more receptive to this approach. If you have no wali, then how about the maulana you mentioned. He can act as your wali and speak for you.

    Are the family's objections completely based on the false rumor that you have three children? So if they find out that you have only two children instead of three they'll be okay with it? My point is that even if the false rumors are cleared up, will they accept you? The sad fact is that sometimes people become entrenched in their positions and will not give them up even when they realize they are wrong and that may be something you'll have to accept.

    You said the maulana told him to ignore his parents wishes as their reasons are unIslamic. But I'm still not clear on exactly what their reasons are.

    In the end, if you can't convince his family, then I recommend that you do not marry him. You know the consequences, he will lose his job, you will make enemies of his family, and he will become isolated from his family. It just seems like a bad situation. It would be better to end your relationship with him and seek someone else for marriage Insha'Allah.

    Wael Editor

  2. Wa alaykum assalam

    They have accused you of some heinous act (most likely in their mind),

    refer to quran 24:3-9

    And take that to at least the younger sister.

    As for his parents telling him to pack up and leave, quran 4:97

    Since you're trying to become better in faith, you don't need to block him totally, you can always ask him to help you inshallah become a hafizah, and nothing more.

    As for his father hitting him, tell him to take up some training

    • Brother Ummar, your suggestion that the way to deal with an abusive father is to take up Kung Fu, seems very strange.

      Wael Editor

      • Yes I agree with Brother Wael .. Kung Fu definitely is not the way to go (based off the videos). Try Juijitsu!! or some might suggest Hapkido *no names mentioned*.

        The point of the suggestion though is a good one, not because his father is abusive as such but just learning to defend oneself will instill self confidence. Which also changes demeanor and that makes all the difference when someone wants to abuse/bully you (even a parent). The change in attitude will also cause the 'attacker' to wake up a bit and realize that "heyy, this guy is growing up". Also forces them to take certain matters seriously and warrants more respect, wa Allahu Alim. Naturally not an over night thing....but definitely something that could benefit the brother overall, wa Allahu Alim.

        Umm Abdullah Editor

      • " your body actually becomes like steel after a while."

        If the hafiz has not taught his family about quran 3:159, then what else is there.

  3. Jazak'Allah for all your advice and clarity...

    reading this post makes me realise how lost i was when I wrote it and unfortunately its a few months later and things haven't improved.

    I think the main reason his parents wont accept me is because they are afraid of what people mite say about their son marrying "a widow with 2 kids"

    I wish I could just put my foot down and end things for good, but everytime I try, I feel like a heartless monster hurting and destroying him because no matter what i say to him, he will never leave me alone and I just dont have the heart to marry someone else knowing that hes not happy at all. I'm a stubborn person but extremely soft-hearted. Its sad that I fell inlove with someone whos the opposite of me cos I'm a go getter and sometimes i get so mad at myself for that.

    Im so numb I dont even know what to do anymore. I told him that I'm giving till end of December and if we're not married by then im moving to another location and changing my number. But now December seems sooooo far away. He just said that we will get married in this year. I often sit and ask myself "why is he holding onto us and not even allowing us some time apart? " issit because he loves me that much and cant live without me or does he feel he cant get another girl as goodlooking as me (sorry, i dont mean to sound conceited) or is he being selfish or is there really hope for us?

    as for a wali going to speak to his parents on my behalf, I believe thats his job as the man in this relationship, I dont want his parents to turn around 1 day and say that I begged them to marry their son.

    • Quran 20:114 translation
      So high [above all] is Allah , the Sovereign, the Truth. And, [O Muhammad], do not hasten with [recitation of] the Qur'an before its revelation is completed to you, and say, "My Lord, increase me in knowledge."

      Quran 49:12 translation
      O you who believe, you shall avoid any suspicion, for even a little bit of suspicion is sinful. You shall not spy on one another, nor shall you backbite one another; this is as abominable as eating the flesh of your dead brother. You certainly abhor this. You shall observe GOD. GOD is Redeemer, Most Merciful.

      Don't think.

      Quran 2:165 translation
      And [yet], among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals [to Him]. They love them as they [should] love Allah. But those who believe are stronger in love for Allah. And if only they who have wronged would consider [that] when they see the punishment, [they will be certain] that all power belongs to Allah and that Allah is severe in punishment.

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