Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His parents won’t let him marry me

Pakistani bride with flowers

 

Salam alaykum w rahmut Allah w barakato,

I'm facing a really big problem. I've been speaking to a man with the permission of my parents for almost a year now. He was not financially at a stage where he could come and propose. We both live in different countries, but he spoke to both my father and mother for permission to talk to me. His parents have been aware right from the beginning that he was talking to me, yet he had not discussed marriage with them at that point due to different pressures on them at the time. He did not want to add on to the situation with talks of marriage.

Within the time we have been speaking, his parents have suggested many girls for him to consider in marriage and he rejected them all. It reached the stage where he felt he should tell his father exactly what is going on between him and I. This is where the problems began. The man I want to marry is Pakistani, and I am not. I'm Arab. We both get along very well, we're madly in love, we have the same aims and aspirations in life, and I have never met anybody who cares for me more than this man. We connect on every level. Both his parents are rejecting it due to the fact that I am not Pakistani. My parents accept the marriage and are encouraging it. His parents know nothing about me. He has spoken to them about me, and told them exactly how he feels about me, and yet they are still rejecting it simply due to where I am from. His mother's reasons are that she doesn't believe I will understand their culture and she feels as though she won't be able to connect and communicate with me. I know what will be expected of me as a daughter in law, and I am willing to do it all. However, she has not even spoken to me, let alone met me.

He is worried about upsetting his parents. He doesn't want to go against their wishes but at the same time we are both struggling to come to terms with what is going on and let go. They have no Islamic reasons to reject the marriage. I feel cheated and betrayed. I know that whatever Allah decrees is for the best, but I feel like I'm being wronged greatly by his parents. I strongly believe that if they meet me they will like me, but with them living abroad and not even willing to meet me I don't have a way around this.

I have put in effort to try and learn some Urdu for his family. I'm learning more about the culture just to please them. My heart is aching, and I cannot stop crying. My family doesn't know what to do... I love him so much. His parents have become so hard and cold, their son is a grown man and he has cried tears for me and they still reject it. We've been praying for guidance; we've done several istikharas and still don't know what the right thing to do is.

What is he supposed to do? How can we overcome this? How can he convince his parents? Would it be haram for him to against their wishes in our situation?

Jazak Allah khair.

-adistressedgirl


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40 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Just today I found out that our family friend is travelling to Pakistan with his Caucasian girlfriend to get married. His family is in Islamabad and he is taking her there to get married. I guess if a man wants to marry a girl, he simply will even if his parents are uncomfortable or not willing. There were issues here and the girl is not even Muslim, but is Christian. I suppose what I am saying is you can't force him to marry you & if he really wanted to marry you, he would make it happen and wouldn't even bother you with the burden of irrelevant cultural issues AFTER leading you on for one year.

    I don't think it is right of your parents to have given you permission to speak to him - and that is why you have an emotional attachment--hence, why this is an issue.

    Whatever has happened can't be changed now, but I wouldn't suggest going through with this marriage unless he stands up for you. You might think you will do whatever they expect from a daughter-in-law, but I don't think you really understand what this entails. If I were you, I would be grateful you that you have cried your tears now because after marriage it will only get worse.

    You wrote:

    he had not discussed marriage with them
    He did not want to add on to the situation with talks of marriage.
    He is worried about upsetting his parents.
    He doesn't want to go against their wishes

    If he wanted to please his parents, he really shouldn't have been considering anyone else and should have married a girl of their choice. If he wants to marry you, he should just do it, because their feelings about culture are unfounded.

    By marrying this man you will be entering a marriage in hopes of changing his parents and what if they don't change? It will be like throwing rocks into an abyss - your efforts will make no difference.

    The only solution that I can see is that you stop talking to him completely. When he is ready to go ahead and marry you (since he doesn't need his parents permission), he can contact your father. Any further personal contact with him, is not Islamically allowed. He can marry you and still be a respectful, loving and caring son - he simply needs the conviction that this is possible.

    May Allah ease your difficulties and bring peace to you, inn shaa Allah, Ameen.

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    its a damn shame, unfortunately majority of the family's from Pakistan tend to have the our culture mentality, and wouldn't want to mix with other Muslims from a different country. don't get me wrong, some Pakistani's are lovely and will accept with open arms.

    if the parents not willing to listen, then whatever you say will fall on deaf ears. if his parents are rejecting you also because of arrogant and pride, he could remind them what the prophet Muhammad(pbuh) said, an Arab has no superiority over an non-Arab and vice-versa. anyone who has even a grain of arrogance wont even smell Jannah.

    parents should respect the child's decision, and be happy for him.

    one tip, when you want to get married to someone from a Pakistani background or from the neighboring countries, always check how his parents are like, because you are not just marrying him, but into HIS family. if his parents have backward mentality, in most case your life will become a living hell. if you search on here you will find how the mother in law dominates the daughter in law etc. its a damn shame, you rather know so you can be prepared.

    ma salama...

  3. Salaam sister,
    I feel sympathy for you in your position but would advise you to reconsider your position of marrying this person.

    He has misled you by not telling his parents and giving you dreams and allowing you to become attached. He is a grown man but is crying to his parents? Does that mean they control all aspects of his life and future?

    If you marry him, I am 99% certain that you will live with his family or they will have a big involvement in your lives. Your husband will always (in most cases) side with his family (blood is thicker then water).

    It is unlikely that you will be change his parents views or their cultural beliefs. You will have a very hard time and suffer in the future. What will you do if it doesn't work out? What if you have children and then divorce? How would that impact on your life and your parents? If you go to another country, you will be completely on your own and without a support network!

    Furthermore, you have spoken on the phone and feel compatible. It is easy to say things on the phone to each other. You only know each other once you will be living together! From my knowledge, there is a vast difference amongst the Arab and Pakistani cultures.

    Sister, I advise you to marry into a family who want you and welcome you with open arms.

    Please consider your future.

    May Allah guide us all to success in this world and the hereafter.

    Wsalam

  4. My dear sister,

    I feel for you. Honestly, all you can do is pray iistikhara and ask Allah for guidance.

    Other then that, if you were my lil sister, I would advice you to send this man am email...tell him to make a decision about your relationship. Either he stands up for you and marries you anyway and his parents just have to get over it. It s not haram to get married if there is no islamic reason not to. Culture does not dictate who you should marry.

    Or he can stay away if he can't stand up to them, because you are nit going anywhere.

    Sometimes things are meant to be hard because it's not meant to be. Where would you live if you get married? If you have to live with or near his parents your life will be a living torture session , because you will have to be involved in their life and if they don't like you..then it will be very hard.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

    Let me tell you a story of my friend, she liked a guy for 3 years during uni and their parents met, but never got along. He wanted to live with his parents and her parents didn't like her...blah blah issues continued. After 3 years they separated. She took an islamic course for a while and met a mama who's son was her age and they married and the relationship jelled and it was soooo much easier. Point is, I hope it works out. But if it doesn't, know that Allah has a plan, and being together doesn't have to always be hard.

    Hope you find your way my dear, just don't let it drag without him deciding something about your future.

  5. Salam sister, Allah wants us to thank Him and our parents. Parents are very important for us. It doesn't mean that we should always listen to our parents. As both of you are Muslims they have no valid reason to object. Culture thing is unislamic. Now, This boy has to stand up to his parents and tell that he is going to marry you for the sake of Allah and they have to accept it. It his duty, if he loves you, to bring peace, comfort and happiness in your life. He can't just leave you like this. Ask him now to act. May Allah bless you both. Ameen.

    • Salam alaykum,
      Its easy for a man to do this , but what about when the girl is in that situation .... her parents told her final decision would be hers on any proposal, so she gave herself and the man hope, and now it almost happens and the parents have doubts about him again .. how far can a girl fight, he is in a different country as well ..
      pls pray for me ,
      Dont know if this is sign to stop it, or if command is to not lose hope keep praying to Allah to change families hearts ..

  6. Walaykum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh Ukhti,

    I feel for you and let me narrate a smiliar story happened with a brother from South Asia. met this arab sister online and started showing interest of marriage (and so called love was initiated between both.) Girl did every effort for marraige even she came to the city/country where he lives for education but her intention was to know his family and him. Even my brother did every effort to convince his parents, he was already in contact with her parents with the intention of marriage. But the guy's family was completely against to it, only reason was she's not from our culture/country. Infact, she started learning Urdu to know his culture and impress his parents or for the future of their marriage. She was so confident that she even purchased all the house hold items in her new rented home in his country.
    At last his fmaily never agreed and he got married to someone of his parents will but he too was okay with that. He had lot of emotional break down and even afer marriage they kept contact but gradually it disappeared. He is happy with his family and kids now and no trace of girl is known to this day.

    Conclusion, if his parents are not agreeing then its no point in fighting it for a life time when you don't know this family in person. Virtual world is very different then actually knowing the people or his/her culture. If you are confident on this guy then invite him first to your country and then you all should visit his country to convince his parents. If they agree then you are good, if they don't then simply don't get too emotional and make your future worst.

    And all of the communication should be through your parents, he is not your mahram and as you know its forbidden for us to be in contact without a mahram. If its not worth doing all this then don't waste your energy and effort in something which is not possible or you have no idea what the end would be.

    jazakAllah

  7. Walaikumusalam warehmatullahe wabarakatuhu!

    Read very very very carefully,
    I am by cast an Arab, by culture an Indian and by nationality a Pakistani. and alhumdulillah! I have been to gulf, India and Pakistan. And alhumdulillah! I know all people so well. Now read below,

    Stop. Crying.
    Who is responsible? Your parents or you? No one.
    Your parents wanted you to marry the guy.

    1year?
    Why you prolonged it. Your mistake and his mistake as well. You should have kept in mind the boundaries of Islam.

    It seemed that you both pray 5 times a day. I am guessing. I don't think he has used you for a good time pass. I don't think so. In general Pakistani parents would not admit you by heart that is for sure. In your case, you have the same situation. So, I will say a big "NO". Red signal.

    Let the guy come to your country. Don't go there. Stop communication with him immediately and mark a condition on him that "If you want to marry me come here and settle here, and do a job here."

    He will say that "I am not financially strong" and he will ask you for help. You probably will send him money to come to your country and it is highly possible that he will. When he comes, don't meet him. Please do not meet him or if you meet him be sure your parents are with you always. But make sure he fulfills your conditions first. If he finds a job then marry him. And later ask him to bring his parents in your country (Arab).

    That must be your plan. If suppose if he rejects to come and says, "No I can't come I have to look after my parents" then this is fishy (might be not 100%).

    If suppose he says, "I want to come but my parents are not letting me go." then this will be a problem for you.

    Now, do you know about his religious beliefs? You should. See if he meets you on those grounds. What if there is a big difference there and later you regret. Be careful.

    Double check if he is a fraud or not. He might be cheating on you.

    Your missing something in your prayers to Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). Check what are you missing.

    Oh Allaah guide her. Amen

    Allaah Knows the Best!

    • MashaAllah, Brother Masood. That is an excellent advice.

    • The case isn't that he isn't coming, on the contrary he wants to, but at the moment his financial situation can't allow that... and of course I won't send him money, as a man I highly doubt he would even consider the idea! I know very well that he isn't cheating me. The reason for posting this was to find a way around convincing his parents, that's all. I trust him 100%. Jazak Allah khair for your response.

      • Then you are running blindly. He must consider your idea of job and should come at Arab nation and work there and then marry you. Otherwise, there is no other option for you. You go to Pakistan and you will see what I exactly mean. Sister, I know how Pakistanis are generally. And they don't like Arabs at all. I am an Arab cast and I know how the things are here. You are a female. And I don't want you to become a victim of mental torture and depression. If you want to be a part of this then who am I suppose to help you. It is always your choice.

        Select wisely!

        Allaah Knows the Best!

        • Sorry let me just clarify... he doesn't live in Pakistan and I don't live where I'm originally from. I live in the UK and he lives in the US. The case isn't that his family don't like arabs... they previously lived in an arab country, the issue is that they don't think we will connect due to cultural differences. Jazak Allah khair for your concern and advice.

          • Dear distressed Sister,

            Imagine yourself in the future with a young daughter about to wed in the situation you are in...what would you advise her?

          • OKay in that case, the signal is GREEN. Cause geographical location does matter in changing the attitude of people. And if you move to US you will connect for sure. There is no problem in that but the condition is you must not leave US and then move to Pakistan until and unless his parents are mentally calm with you. And compatible to understand with your views. Or either you both can move back to Arab world after marriage. I guess it would be much better.

            Regarding her parents Skype chat(video) them for a month and cease all communication immediately with the guy. And see what will happen. And then let us know here. We will be waiting and will give you more suggestions after that insha'Allaah!

            Allaah Knows the Best!

      • Signal is RED!
        Be careful!

        Allaah Knows the Best!

    • Salam alaykum,
      Its easy for a man to do this , but what about when the girl is in that situation .... her parents told her final decision would be hers on any proposal, so she gave herself and the man hope, and now it almost happens and the parents have doubts about him again .. how far can a girl fight, he is in a different country as well ..
      pls pray for me ,
      Dont know if this is sign to stop it, or if command is to not lose hope keep praying to Allah to change families hearts ..

  8. Things seem to be getting worse, his mother hasn't been speaking to him for a few weeks now. Can anybody offer any other solutions please? Jazak Allah khair

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      From what you wrote, it sounds like his mother is emotionally black-mailing him and it will probably work. I am sorry to sound pessimistic, but it is actually quite realistic given the background. I think you need to stop contact with him (even if things were well, the both of you should not be privately communicating) and when he decides to stand up for himself, he can marry you, if that is truly what you want. Otherwise, wishing that his parents will just change because of what their son is going through, is not going to happen. Knowing the cultural background, I am not the least bit surprised about your update.

  9. Well if his not man enough to fight for you then what good will he be when your married.
    It is a culture thing and not Pakistani's v Arabs! His mother is controlling him by finding bride for him closer to home. This man is emotionally using you and i honestly believe you should CUT ALL TIES from him and move on red alerts here sorry.

  10. I'm beginning to accept that it just isn't meant to be, we've faced so many obstacles... mainly him, that we just can't seem to overcome. What I don't understand is why would I feel so much love for him if this isn't supposed to be? I feel like a part of me is being hacked away from me. The pain is unbearable. Why would everything on my end be okay and his end be a mess if this wasn't written for us? He's lost his job, he doesn't have a permanent job now, his parents are still rejecting, his situation with his family has gotten worse (including fights not about us). I'm thinking maybe it isn't the right time. My heart won't accept that this isn't over. I've prayed and cried so much but I still feel no peace, I've been spending more time with my family, I've been trying to do other things, yet the moment I'm left alone with my thoughts I think of him, I think of the future we planned, the children we dreamt of having. He invades my sleep. I dream about him. I don't believe it's a sickness of the heart, I've loved him for the sake of Allah, he's helped bring me closer to Him. I feel so lost and confused and hurt I just don't know what to do. I don't want to move on, I can't bear the thought of him marrying somebody else.

    And please please, save your harsh comments because I honestly won't be able to take it.

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      There is one thing that can help you through this pain.

      Have you ever tried to think of being in the presence of the One who intentionally created you from nothing? Isn't it true that Allah does not need us, but loves us purely...whereas the love we have for another human is full of want, need and finally pain. However, the love from Allah never causes us pain or grief.

      Seek refuge in Allah, if you are in pain, so be it, don't try to fight it and cry if you need to--but whatever you do, immerse yourself in Allah's remembrance for He alone can ease your difficulties and release you from pain, inn shaa Allah.

      • This is beautiful, MashAllah. I've gone through the same thing, except he's Arab and I'm not. It's been 5 months and this sister speaks the truth: Only Allah can help. I, too, still have strong feelings for him, but somewhere sense kicked in and I started to see he was at fault and nothing I could do would've changed that. They are simply being cowardice.

    • Salam sister,

      What we want and what we get in life are two different things sister. We can't control what we do and do not get. It's up to Allah. What you are praying for is halal, a marriage. But the problem was created when it started the wrong way. If he knew his parents are so cultural in their views. He should have checked with his parents first before even talking to you. That was his mistake. Also Allah has warned us not to speak to non mehrem and have relationships before marriage. The reason is not only that it will lead to zina but also that it will lead to emotional pain, if the two people do not get married. And this is what you are suffering now.

      The ball is in the guys court. It's him that can make the decision. But if he decides to go along with his parents then there is nothing you can do. It shows that he does not love you enough and also has his priorities wrong and cant stand up for his rights! This shows his weak character.

      I know its painful to break off from someone you care about but Sister imagine you got married to him and 10 years later after 3 kids he divorced you?? How painful will that be?? So this pain is nothing compared to people who have been married and separated. So count yourself lucky that you didn't get married to him yet. You got off easily with less pain. The pain will pass. In a couple of months things will get easier. In a few years you will be laughing about it! Im talking from experience.

      After hardship their is ease. Maybe Allah has soneone else planned for it.

      Just tell the guy. "You do not need your parents permission to marry me. If you do not have the guts to do the right thing and stand up to your parents, then im sorry everything's off! I am moving on, I am not going to wait for you any longer! Leave it at that and do not contact him anymore or answer his calls. Keep praying and leave it Allah.

    • Salam alaykum,

      Am in the same situation pretty much, except that the mans side is for it and supportive, and my side is totally against .. it was going well for some time when my side gave me some hope and got us engaged, even took me to his country .. and then they said no again .. i feel the same, its so hard to move forward and accept that i should jus give in. I keep praying for it to work and Allah to change my mum heart, but not sure what is right thing to do, how do we know when we are meant to just give in and lose hope in that thing we wanted and prayed for. i dont know how , how i will ever marry anyone else and remember him and the exitment and greatfulness we had when we were engaged, and then jus weeks later, rejected again .. Allahul musta'aan ..

    • I m same line with you

    • I Googled answers on this situation I am in right now me and your story is very similar and I am posting this In 2017. How was your outcome? Are you no longer together?

  11. Thanks MASOOD...nice talk may yu be filled with more knowlegde frm ALLAH SWT

  12. Hi, I would like to know what the outcome of this situation was? I am in a situation very similar to yours. Tough times...

  13. Asalam Alaykum,

    I'm so sorry to hear this, i to am in a very similar situation. I'm a canadian convert and the man i want to marry is syrian. we met in canada and fell in love, i met his whol family and they liked me and were for us getting engaged when i visit abu dhabi (which is where he is with them atm) in january. now they are saying that they dont want us to marry because i sm canadian and probably wont raise the kids right.. its very upsetting and i to don't know what to do. Allah knows best and is the best of planners. Everything is so discouraging. I hope everything works out for you sister. May Allah bless you

    Masalama

  14. Assalam alaikum..
    Sister, im a girl and im facing the same problem.. Will u please kindly share how is ur overcome result of this? Are finally u are able to get married to him? Or his family finally agree or still doesnt agree? Please kindly share, i need to know
    Thankyou,
    Allah hafiz

  15. Salam my sister all I will say is that if the man you like is grown then why does he not tell his parents that its his life and he has the right to marry you. This is not haram or going against Islam because he asked your parents. I think he should tell his parents that its him that will spend his whole life with the girl I chose for him and if his not happy then that marriage will not last. You two should meet and talk to your mum and dad and get married that's all and NO there is nothing wrong in that its not going against islam ..SOHAIB

  16. Tali, you can't spend your life with someone you don't trust. That is my opinion, and Allah knows best.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  17. Wa 'Alaykum Asalam wa Rahmatulai wa Barakatuhu:

    If his parents are not giving a Shar'i (Islamically legislated) reason as to why he cannot marry you such as:

    -You're not Sunni.
    -You're not a good Muslim.

    And so on and so forth, then it has to be accepted of them unless these situations change. However, one thing I'd like to mention is this, there is no difference of opinion amongst the Scholars in regard to the Male not needing to seeking permission from his parents for marriage as opposed to the female, it is merely from good manners.

    And since his perants are basically diverting him from doing this khayr, he is allowed to disobey them in their wish, this is due to statement of the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa Sallam) when he said:

    “There is no obedience to any human being if it involves sin; obedience is only in that which is right and proper.” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 7257; Muslim, 1840.]

  18. For those of you asking what happened... things in the end didn't work out by the qadar of Allah. I'm now married to someone else alhamdulillah. I'm sorry for the late reply... I just stumbled across this post and saw the other comments.

    • Oh mashaAllah sister ... Allah blessed u with strength and u passed through that difficult stage .. this is so great to hear .. pls pray for the rest of us

  19. Hi, my origin is Pakistan but I live in Oman. What happened to me is the opposite of what has happened to my sister who wrote her problem here in this blog who wants to marry a Pakistani guy. I fall in love with an Arab girl and I lost my self in her some time even I feel I don't even exist. I can scarify my everything for her I don't think about myself any more even I don't pray for myself there is only dream in my eyes and that is to marry her. I have accepted whatever she is; she is brown white rich poor modern simple these things don’t really matter for me. Even I can scarify my dreams for her whatever she wants I am ready to assist her and make her dreams come true instead of mine.

    Actually the problem is my parents won't have any issue in marrying her even though I belongs to the North West of Pakistan where we follow our culture & tradition strictly more than anyone else but I can manage somehow to convince them and they will warmly welcome her from the core of their heart.
    Her family won't agree because they are Arab they are 'Baddu' native Omani and I am non- Arab I can speak Arabic and I looks like Arabs but it doesn't really matter. They are a bit racists and they wish to get her marry to someone from her family not even outside of her family (Even Arab from other country).

    I can't live without her and similarly she can't live without me. We want to get marry and we have discussed everything there are no conflicts as I have surrender myself my wishes for her.

    Is there anyone who can help me out how can she convince her parents to take interest in me and let her marry me I can guarantee she will be the happiest women in her family. I am having a good job in her country and belong to a respectable family.

  20. assalamu alaykum brother
    May Allah help u brother...try to get some elders involved some Ulamaor sheikh in their area , who they trust or look up to , who is open minded , u can talk to him, or ask the gurl to talk to him, he may give them some peace of mind and islamic guidance..

    I can understand how bad and worried u feel but try to calm down, Allah knows exactly wats happening, and ur qadr is written, so jus try ur best, make dua of khair and contentment of heart, and relax..

    this is a real lesson for u, me , and others in ur position to never, ever , ever, ever let urself or anyone u know become this much attached to anyone before marriage, and before being sure that both sides will accept..u already tasted this torture badly once, is disliked by Allah, and ends in very bad pains and sadness.......Allahul musta'aan..

    i know u think u cannot live without her.....this is natural feeling when having strong emotional connection with someone and being forcing to break it, it hurts like hell, but still try to tell urself : i have Allah, it wud be painful but if worst case scenario, it didnt go as i planned, i will rely on Allah to giv me someone better, its not hard for Allah..but still i prayyyy it works 4 u both....amin

    let us know how it goes keep praying istikharah with reliance on Allah before taking each step

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