Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I hit my father out of anger

Noha Abd Rabo at 2008 Olympics

Assalamualaykum,

Please help me to enlighthen my mind and my heart. My father swore on the Quran that I am not his daughter anymore. We unintentionally got into an argument. My dad is always mad or angry at anything, even if I did nothing. The day we fought he was angry and yelling and and saying hurtful words that triggered my temper. He almost attacked me to hit me, so out of anger I hit his face unintentionally. Wallahi, I don't know what came into my mind. I didn't mean to do it that way, but out of anger I forgot everything and hit him.

From that time he hasn't talked to me. Even if I ask forgiveness he says he cannot forgive me and he swore on the Quran that I am not his daughter anymore. I am praying to Allah because I made a huge mistake. Yes, it was my fault that I hit my own dad- the man who gave me life- but I am just human. I made huge mistakes and I swore I will not do that again.

That's the first time I fought with my father like that- hurting physically by hitting or slapping his face. I don't know what to do. I asked forgiveness many times, but he disagrees and he doesn't want to accept me anymore. What will I do?

-Reva

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56 Responses »

  1. Astaghfirullah sister wallahi the parents in Islam are a precious gem as Allah says in surah maidah don't even say uff to your parents! You need to keep trying and doing what you can to beg doe his forgiveness becaus if he is not content then Allah will not be content with you as simple as that so fear Allah and ask him for forgiveness as the hadith that under the fathers feet is the gate of jannah

    • Jannah is not under you dads feet. Its under your moms feet

      • Salam Esma. That hadith regarding jannah under you moms feet is imprecise. Can you bring up the hadith, (with the narrator)

        • Anes, it is a well known hadith:

          Mu’awiyah ibn Jahima (RadhiAllahu 'anhu) reported,

          Jahima (RadhiAllahu 'anhu) came to the Prophet ﷺ and he said:

          “O Messenger of Allah ﷺ, I intend to join the expedition and I seek your advice.”

          The Prophet ﷺ said, “Do you have a mother?”

          He said, “Yes.”

          The Prophet ﷺ said, “Stay with her, for verily Paradise is beneath her feet.”

          [Sunan An-Nasa’i, Book of Jihad, Number 3104]

      • Dear Esma there is no hadith like that... Just obey your parents.. Respect them... If you don't then there will be no paradise for you... Thanks.

      • Ukhti. أنا لله وانا اليه راجعون. I never expected to hear this from a muslim. " jannah is not under your dad's feet". Yes , your mom has more rights than your dad but do you even know the position of your dad in islam? One word against him leads 2 hell and you talk like he aint necessary. Allah neva differentiated between mom nd dad in quran, He said "PARENTS". FEAR ALLAH.

    • Assalamu alaikum. What hadith do you mean by the gates of jannah are under your fathers feet ? Can you bring up the source ?

    • salam made me emotional reading this what this sister did...honestly in just crying away

  2. U hit Ur father ? Shame on you. Have no words for u no father gives badwa to his kids but god does.

    • Dont you dare say something like that to someone you dont know. You are not perfect too. She is still learning. And she will make much more mistakes. Just how we all will. Stop saying hurtful stuff to her. She said she did not know why she did it. The satan sometimes makes us do things that we wont dare to do. So dont blame her blame satan!

      • I completely agree with u sarah
        May Allah forgive the daughter and bring all happiness in their life and settle the issues between them and curse that Satan

        • As much I know I'm.so good.... But my biggest two sins I have in my life.... I fear for Allah.... But not keeping prayers correctly.... Sometimes uncontrollable angry will come for me.... And I behave like a mental.... I do sin that time like fought with my parents.... Two mothers and dad.... And beat and scolding bad words.... I openly told.... I still like how I was in childhood.... I'm married and a mother of one year old kid.... Husband cheats us.... I wanna a be a good kid and a good mom for my son.... Can Allah forgive me? What I wanna do.... Any brothers sisters.... Help me out.... Stress stress stress....

    • Clearly she has human rights. How can someone beat someone up and not be allowed to defend themselves that's so disrespectful. Just cuz he is older and her father doesn't mean she can't defend themselves.

    • Well, excuse me. She is repenting and instead of consoling her or advising her, you are being judgmental. What she did was wrong, I agree, but it was in a fit of anger plus she is being very repentant. Even Allah forgives, if you repent and seek for forgiveness, sincerely. Being judgmental, ain't gonna help anyone. Please be a little positive in your outlook!

    • Sophia, go out, get a life, and learn urself !!!
      Allah has the power to forgive anyone and everyone, or to punish!
      You have uttered just a rubbish in your words to her.
      You were supposed to study about her situation, and being a Muslim you should be helping each other.
      Please learn Islam

      JazakAllah

    • You are weak to point fingers ask for her forgiveness and Allahs forgiveness. Stop being so blunt as you are amongst the bad people

  3. OP: My father swore on the Quran that I am not his daughter anymore....... My dad is always mad or angry at anything, even if I did nothing.

    Swearing on Quran is not going to change any thing, you are still his daughter.
    Does your father threaten to kill people in the family? Your father seems to have a serious anger problem. Is there a history of mental illness in the family?

    Your father pushed you to the wall and you reacted. It is not right to hit people. Never hit any one again in your life.

    Has your father changed or he is still mad and angry at anything.

    Try not to argue with people.

  4. (Comment removed.)

    • We are not here to shame people Sophia, I am here to understand what happened and support the person. We all make mistakes, iv made a TON and wouldn't want someone to make me extra guilty on top of the guilt I feel.

  5. Does he hit you sometimes? I also grew up with a father who would get very very angry and sometimes throw things or hit us..it's quite scary and sometimes if they cross the line, you do defend yourself by putting your hands up and it's just human.

    I know you feel bad, but you are an adult or close to adulthood and I don't think it's okay for him to physically threaten you. It's not okay to hit him, and I know you know that and will never do it again.

    Ask Allah to forgive you and give your dad sometime. He is probably upset, his ego is bruised and it's probably a lesson for him to stay back and control his anger.

    Give him a week, write him a letter of apology and wait.

    We all make mistakes we are human, just give him time and don't keep bringing it up as it is a source of embarrassment for him probably.

    Inshallah time heals all wounds.

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you hit your father as a reaction to him possibly coming to hit you. Correct me if I'm wrong. It sounds like there are some deeply-rooted issues between the both of you and frankly speaking, it sounds like your father is abusive. Abuse is a cycle, and I'm not surprised you might of learnt this behaviour...or that it was a reaction. If anyone tried to hit someone, I would imagine most people would give some kind of reaction.

    Obviously, you want to mend this relationship, but your father has to want to do that as well. I agree with Samira that you should give your father time. I also think that you may need some counselling, especially if you feel that it is difficult for you to manage your anger.

    I do not think anyone has a right to say "Shame on you" or put you down in any way. Your situation has much more to it than meets the eye and certainly a few paragraphs do not do it justice.

    Try your best to fulfill your duty as a daughter, be patient, get some counselling. When your father is ready to talk, inn shaa Allah, perhaps the both of you can sit down and talk about how to avoid this situation in the future.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  7. you hurt him, go ask for forgiveness till he agrees. OK

    • It's weird in Islam. My brother used to beat me up and when I got older and for once in my life I defended myself I got in big trouble and no blame went on him like wtf!

  8. Im 17 year old boy and today I felt so upset because my father throwed spoon on my mom because he got angry because he allways cares about how much money we "use" and he don't think about the ciggarets he buys 2 times a week...My mom cried and I was sitting in my room I heard what the issue was about... I run down stairs I got sooo angry and yelled at him and said that he are just a selfish and don't care at others then him and all he do is yell everyday I really dont think its one day he dont yell Its soo hatefull yell he shouts and yell for no reason at all.. he can't talk like a normal person (he do sometimes) but for the most he just yell and shouts (for the most part at my mom) when he talk. I love him alot as my father but I dont like the way he act.... he got angry and sad he also tryed to slap me (I don't care about that really) and said how dare you too talk to me like that.. and I love my mom after allah swt the most merciful she is soo kind hearted that every human in this world love her I think 🙂 btw my first language is not English sorry not secound aswell....Inshallah brother your father will forgive you hes your father never hit your parets again and make dua for forgiveness

  9. Hello
    Yesterday I slapped my father on face... deeply sad, upset...
    I dont know how it happened....
    Actually I witnessed him many times doing lewd activities with young girls. So a fire was burning for 3 years , i turned psychopath and did itttt....

  10. yes it is necessary to obey parents and respect them. but mostly parents do not respect children and love them. use abusive language ,beat them .I don't get this point not to say uf.. unfortunately we are not robots ..like my mom cares much about my studies my dress etc but I never remember a kiss or hug( except leaving for hostel she used to hug and kiss but I did not feel love for her that time). she used to beat me in my childhood and still beats me, use abusive language, and even spat on me many times.. how cant I say uf..I also get harsh many times ..in my childhood she beat me so much that blood came out of my hair roots. whenever my friends say that i am doing this because my mom wants i wonder why don't i have that feeling .because i am dealt in the same way.so parents should love and respect children. i think children would treat the way they treat their children. it is natural. my mom is illiterate so may be she does not know how to deal with children but for God sake even animals love their children..

    • Hi Fatima,
      Your mother didn't witnessed some other parents loving their children and also his past experiences might have made her like this,I do respect my parents ,may be she don't know children are like God. But parents also has to do their job in loving their children.But Fatima don't do the same with u r children. some animals even eat their babies if they starve.not all animals are alike.Hope you will have good future

      Regards
      Shake

  11. Today, i hit my father because he use words bad word about my mom with me.I was arguing him on water cooler, he was insisting on keeping old one and i was insisting to buy the new one, suddenly it all heat up and he used bad words.I got angry and start throwing things here and there.He is a multi billioniare business man but living like poor, I am 31 and muslim he never asked me to assist in getting me Married.I am his only son my only sister is already married.I start hating him because he turn deaf ear on getting me Married.I have strong sex desires and i do mastrubate a lot, after every mastubrate i start hate my parents more and more.

    So come back to hitting incident after i was throwing household things here and there he said to me come here come here come here i will kill you today.Than he was throwing things on me including hammer and screw driver and than i also attacked him hit him tear his shirt. I am very upset please help me.

    • Hi Naved
      Don't blame your parents for marriage,you are 31 you have the ability to choose u r partner.
      if you started hating your parents even though they said right,you will take that as wrong and find options to fight with them.so treat them as your children who don't know anything. Don't get upset and start living your life to the fullest.Buy some gift to your parent or fullfill!their dream.

    • Dont blame him for your marriage.
      But remember, keep on asking him for forgiveness until he forgives brother! 🙂

  12. If you are right and your father is a crazy person then you did right. I want to do same to my father as well. He is mad and foolish person, he ruined my life and never give a single happiness

  13. Don't blame yourself. He should have not said anything bad which harms you emotionally. A good Muslim doesn't disown their kids, they should accept and support ( includes moral) in any circumstances. It's better to stay away from your dad because he will hurt you eventually. There's no point begging for his forgiveness because he also needs to understand his mistake.

    Be independent, do not rely on your dad. It's you who can change your life, no one else. Also, you don't need your dad these days.

  14. Kids now a days..at least u knw you done wrong Allah will only forgive u if ur dad forgives you

    • How do you know how Allah works? Allah Almighty works in ways are human mind cant even come close to knowing. So please stop being so confident with these topics because what you are saying is something not imaginable. Allah is the Judge He is the Creator. So please stop saying you know if and when He will forgive this lady because that is not possible. He is the Judge not you not anyones father or nothing either.

      One thing we can ALL agree on is that Allah Tallah looks at intentions and not actions. Because the intentions are the root for our actions. Think about that.

      Fathers become selfish after sometime.. They feel like they are the soul reason for their childrens existence when there is much more than him that has let us come into existence.

      Fathers become envious of their young sons and get intimated and its human nature to argue and disagree with that get physical if it goes there. Fathers hitting their daughters after a certain age is totally wrong in my views and id say most people would agree with me. Woman are be always given high value because without woman there is no man. Woman is delicate woman is precious.

      Mothers sisters wives daughters nieces all are woman. And they are never to be hurt physically by another man weather it be fathers brothers husbands nephews.. I think theres a bigger problem if it leads to that.

      As far as sons hitting their fathers I feel it should be on reasonable grounds. A son beating his father over materialistic things is not reasonable. A son defending his mother from his father and making sure the father understands that if he hurts his mother physically will not be tolerated and is totally justifiable.

      I was in that situation. My father a drankard Muslim cursing me and giving me badwa after i stood up for my mom. He said she isnt shit i ain't shit and that's when I lost it. My cousin got involved physically so did his wife and my mom and my sister. I tried to calm the situation but my cousin and dad were very very intoxicated. So I faught them both off defending my own self at this point from him and with every strike he made without thinking within the next millisecond i stuck him back. I will do that again if I am attacked on by my father he has no right to strike me without any reason for doing so. Being intoxicated isnt an excuse .

      I believe in Allah and His messenger and my intentions were not to abuse my fathers physically but was an act of self defense. I will use what someone said above about getting therapy if he is willing to go to it. Even after all that I looked at the sky and asked Allah to give my dad happiness and peace at mind and good health. Because i was raised better than to give badwa to my own family/blood. . I will not to tell my mother how to live her life but she deserves better than him. I have told him this too. But take care brothers and sisters peace and happiness to you all.

      I dont need anyones forgivenes . . Allah Subhanatallah's mercy is what i need just like us all on this planet.

      - Ali.

      • Ali, you sound like a very smart and honest person. Your comment helped me out a lot because you put into words what I was thinking but couldn't put together. And to the original poster and everyone who commented personal stories of their mom being verbally or physically abused I feel like Ali's comment answers your feelings of guilt or confusion in relation to our beautiful but often misinterpreted religion. I think there is nothing wrong with standing up and defending your mother against your father's abuse. And certainly one of the most important things is to observe that type of behavior as what NOT to do as a parent, and as a spouse. It's probably hard when thats all you observe every single day and it might subconsciously creep up in your behavior. Trust me, I've seen it in some people. But it's not impossible to find a good example and adopt good behaviors.

      • Salam

        I have to live in similar situation. My father and mother have bee fighting for ages and me and my family had to see all their fights since our childhood/. He is very abusive. He has always been. and he hates my mother but has been living with her as stranger or worse. Father treats her like a slave. He is now more than 88 years but still he is very abusive in his old age. Each one of us is now grown up actually my eldest brother is over 50 now. and I have a son from my previous marriage

        Due to circumstances I have to live with my parents since they are old and that Im unable to live on my own with my son because of the high living expenses. BUt I always spend on our family my mother does the most of the spending and my elder and young sister do too. Myfather doesnt want any of us to talk to my mother. But I cant stay looking at them when he says hurtful things at my mother and when she cries so I sometimes defend her which makes him very angry... in several ocations he said hurtful and abusive things at me and my four year old son.. to the extend that my own son who has been living with me all alone without his father's support got panic attacks and many psychological problems. He is scared of my father but I have no other choice than living with him sharing with him this small room. on one occation he hit me with a large stick while i was holding my three year old son.. he was v scared and it affected him. and it affected me too and I started hating my father. Now if he starts arguments and acts like that I cant stop myself from arguing back... I believe that saying uff is haram but in such situations I feel that it conflicts... especially when its harming my son I cant handle it .

    • Well if your dad hits you without reason then. My dad hitted my mom me and my sisters due to lame excuses. Put yourself in that situation then say.

  15. ALLHA will forget u INSALLHA if you do wrong and then you realax nd u said sorry ALLHA excepted and mom and dad be anger for time been after thay forget kids

  16. my mother has been hurting me and she is abusive i tried to stay away from her or go out of the house for some time and come home, but all still the same, every day complain, said some abusive words, many other hurting words from her mouth i tried to control my temper, but some time i cant, i slap my mom severely time, i regret doing so, my mind is not settle and i don't have rise of mind since i have been slap my mom. please will Allah forgive me if i stay away from her totally to avoiding committing sin all over and over again?

    • bakare, you must absolutely never strike your mother again. That is a serious sin and a shameful thing for a son to do.

      I think if the only alternative is to stay away totally, then do so, especially if your mother is capable of caring for herself. If she is not capable then just stop by the house only as long as is needed to give whatever assistance is needed.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  17. I have read so many comments saying the kids are in the wrong but when elders hit us we have to stay quiet? Im sorry but i disagree ive always been getting hit since i can remember, i got hit so much i cant feel anything now and just laugh it off, im no saint im a *** to my parents and dont ask for forgiveness because i dont deserve it.

  18. My father has abused me as a child .physically emotionally abused me for no reason what so ever. Putting me down and shouting at me hitting me.hitting my mum in front of me.hiting my sisters.cruelty.waking us up in the morning to get his fag that fell outside in the garden. So many other things even now he talks to us like we are piece of s*** and threatens my mum I will leave u.i won't forgive him ever

    • Farahbaig, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. Be careful with the bad language on this website please. Also do not use your email address as your username (I changed it for you).

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  19. assalamualaikum

    i have a problem here.. i just slap my senile step father out of anger.because he keep hitting me and wont listen to me. i have been caring for him for about 2 year now. all of his son wont take care of him. i really hate myself for doing that.
    what should i do? will ALLAH forgive me for my sin. i cant stop feeling guilty.

  20. I also slapped my father because he wanted to give my inheritance to my uncle...but I am feeling guilty now...My uncle is a hypocrite who wants to take my inheritance I said to my dad I shall kick out my uncle from my market he said rather he will kick out you he is older than you what right do u have...My dad doesn't care about Quran's inheritance he can fight with my sister and mother and give his property to my uncle...I got angry and slapped on my dad's face...

  21. Plz brother wael tell me if my post published i do not know so tell me i post here from another e Mail but my name is same so tell me my post published or not thanks

  22. As for you sister who hit her father. Hitting is not exscusable in anyway. Its a grave sin to even to answer him back and you hit him. How could you? Anger against them isn't excsue but ukhti humans go wrong. Allah is merciful. His acceptance is must. Apologise in all ways u can till he accepts you and repent to Allah

  23. Sister, I hit my father twice and I guess the third time is getting near, he enjoys making a hellish life at home for me and my mother, as he is an ignorant person who doesn't pray or even try to, it is haram I know it is, still, I can't see him hitting my mom without doing anything, as the first time she stood behind me because of his heavy hitting to her and I proudly defended her, and the second he hit me with no reason so I got so angry I manhandled him, I don't know how to deal with him nor how to control myself, may Allah have mercy on us. Don't blame yourself, it's the hell-doomed shaytan.

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