Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Homosexuality – Why such a hard test from Allah? Test or punishment?


As Salamu alaykum wr wb.

This is the second time I'm pouring my heart out on this forum. Members like Mystic, Ibrahim, Raheela comforted me with their words before and I was feeling so positive.

Now I again get this feeling of - being lost somewhere in this duniyah. I am a 27yr old male from India, with homosexual urges. I do not act upon my urges at all, I always cry and ask forgiveness from Allah for my sins. I am the only son to my old parents. Every time I search on Google for any advises regarding my situation, the only thing I read is "get married to a girl".

I can anytime get married to a girl. Alhumdulillah, I will keep her happy and treat her like my princess. I have always been someone who stood by his words and commitment. I know I can do it. But what about these constant worries, the pain, the isolation and hurt I go through inside of me? I get so scared, so very scared. What about the sexual compatibility? How do I get rid of the constant fear that is kept deep inside me. What happens after my marriage? what If i "could not do it" - what if one day I'll have to hang my head in shame? what if all the tears that I kept holding inside of me, all the secret and silent prayers I kept saying "ameen" to deep inside of me, would come out crying, what if i ended up crying for the world to see - because of the fears I see around. I get scared. It is so easy to just sit there and suggest me however when you will be in my position you will know how heavy this feels on my shoulders  -how heavy this gets on my heart. Sometimes I decide to sit and make a lot of  dua to Allah and ask Him for what I need  -I need some peace within me. I end up crying a lot a lot that I couldnt even make a proper dua. I just keep repeating to Allah "that I will die one day of being scared like this, why this.. why this.. the duniyah you made is so heavy and cold".

There is noone around to talk to me and comfort me. I read somewhere in the newspaper how a lady got his sight back in Makkah, I also read how Allah helped the Prophets with what seem to be impossible for the rest of the world. Where will the help of Allah come? How long will I have to live this life feeling scared and depressed? I am not even able to cheer myself up because of depression I go through. I also have alopecia (hair loss) because of which I get more depressed of how I look. But Alhumdulillah, atleast Allah made it possible for me to get treated.

I know my situation could atleast be better than the test other Muslims go through around the world. But how long will this continue? Could someone please tell me - when would the help of Allah come to me? How would I know if it's a test or am I getting punished?



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4 Responses »

  1. wa alaikum assalaam wr wb

    Depression happens to a lot of people and it is a time when we all have to rely on our faith in Allah. My advice is to remind yourself of Allah's promises for the people who are patient and to learn about how much Allah loves believers. I would recommend reading and re-reading nawawi's 40 hadith qudsi.

    I would also suggest that your depression may also have other causes and it might help you to see a doctor and to discuss other methods of staying positive. It is worth a try. Eating healthily, sleeping regular hours and having good hobbies such as volunteering can help keep your mind clear. There are also techniques developed by psychologists for dealing with anxious thoughts and intrusive thoughts. Usually, the advice is to remember that you are stronger than these thoughts and you have control over your actions. E.g.

    As for your being gay, I don't recommend that you should punish yourself for it or make yourself feel excessively guilty for no reason. We all have to lower our gaze and to avoid tempting situations and environments. Allah says "And if an evil suggestion comes to you from Satan, then seek refuge in Allah . Indeed, He is Hearing and Knowing." [7:200] Just dismiss the bad thoughts and move on. There is no point getting angry with yourself. Avoid socialising with people who have a homosexual lifestyle. If people are talking casually about this, don't join them. Don't watch films that romanticise homosexuality. Just keep your head down and stay busy with things that are halal, positive and fulfilling.

    As for marrying a woman, I don't recommend it, unless she is clear about the situation from the beginning and accepts it. I don't know why many scholars recommend this. I know of one woman who married a gay man and got divorced as soon as she found out, and now both her and her ex-husband are the subject of endless gossip. It seems better if the whole marriage was avoided. However, other people have had more positive experiences. It is up to you to decide if you can handle it or not.

    Maybe if you stay single, you can serve your parents and develop yourself in knowledge of deen or dunya. People say that marriage is half of the deen, but marriage also must be suitable and compatible. There were many Islamic figures who did not marry. Imam Nawawi never married. It is possible for you therefore to have a good life full of good deeds inshaAllah.

    There is also evidence that men were attracted to men even in medieval times in the arab world, because it is written in ancient poetry and stories. However, the Islamic environment prevented haram from happening. You are not alone in this, even if it feels like you are. It is just another part of life that we as muslims have to have control over. There is no good in telling yourself that Allah is punishing you in this life. Allah says "I am as my servant thinks I am..." which means, if you expect good from Allah, you will find good. We must never lose hope in Allah's mercy.

  2. Walaikumussalam Brother

    First of all I want to appreciate the fact that even after having natural tendencies of being attracted towards the same gender you have abstained from engaging in Haram. May Allah reward you for that and make things easier for you.
    Dear Brother its not a punishment at all. Allah is most merciful and loves His creation a lot so dont think this situation is a sort of punishment. Think it as a test for akhira. Everyone gets tested according to his/her caliber so I am very sure you have gained lots of sawab because of your restraint.
    I would advise you not to rule out the possibility of marriage as marriage is a sacred bond that can heal souls and is not limited to sexual satisfaction only. Seek out a muslimah who is willing to be your companion in these difficult circumstances. There are many muslimahs out there who need financial or emotional support and you both can benefit from the emotional bond such a marriage will create. You can find a friend through the bond of marriage and she can find a protector/ supporter and a friend in your form.
    Do not lose hope dear brother and do everything you can to get out of this depression. Seek medical assistance, have a healthy life style, an amazing support system and a social group and surely this depression will be a thing of the past inshaAllah.

  3. Dear brother.

    I am in your situation, and I understand you. My only advice to you is don't be sad, don't obsess about it, and keep your options open.

    It is ok if you feel attracted to your own gender. It happens to many more people than you think. Treat that as a fact, and a small detail about you rather than what defines you entirely. Put it in the background and move on in life.

    There's a verse which I always keep in mind and it keeps me going: "You never know, Allah may bring about thereafter some new situation" (Sura At-talaq: 1). Things do change and you will find that you attitude will mature and thoughts will be much clearer as you advance in age. I am sure beautiful things are coming your way and there will come a time when you'll be amazed to see yourself in a situation that you could have never imagined possible. So keep your faith in Allah and never ever lose hope!

    Insh'Allah you will be fine.

  4. Asalamu alaykum wa rahmat'Allahu wa barakatu my dear brother.

    I feel your pain and full understand your situation. Firstly I'd like to remind you that in life we all are being tested. Ask your self this... What matters to you the most? Is your personal desires more important than all the troubles going on in the world? Are you one of those people who avoids looking at the realities of the world, does it bother you in anyway how the Umma is being tortuered and mass murdered?

    If it doesn't bother you then my story will not help you!

    Do you understand who dajjal is? Do you know what tricks shaytan have been playing and plotting in order to manipulate our minds so we think 'me, my self and I'?

    I live in London and and it is the Capital of all fitna. I fell into shaytan trap and I couldn't get out, I did so much wrong to my self, I've hurt my soul for any years. But I understand now why Allah let me go though these experiance. I've always had anger problems, selfish, ignorant, foolish, gullible and many time. A persons like me had to be humiliated by my own hand in order to find out how wrong I was about the world I was living in. It was a shock to my system when I did find out.

    Cut long story short, I ended up going to mecca, the experience was mind blowing because Allah knows all our hearts, so he knew mine and he guided me. But the guidance will be there so long I slip up...I've come too far to slip up. Paradise is where I want to go, not in Hell Fire with shaytan next to me.

    Akhi, this is a short like, don't mess it up. We only have one chance.

    Allah is never wrong in what He does, Allahu Akbar!

    I know how hard it is for you, but you need to focus on being busy on ideas and thoughts about how to help the Umma. A Muslim is a Muslim, not a part timer. Wake up to your responsibilitys as a human being, go out of your way in service for your family and at the same time, be around practicing Muslim brothers. Learn Quran and Hadeeth.

    May Allah shower you with His mercy and this test easy for you, ameen

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