Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How are marriages beneficial for men?

prayer dua marriage

Assalamu 'alaikum, everyone. I have a few questions about marriage in Islam. Recently, I've been reading about Islamic marriage and the different regulations related to it. The rights of a husband and wife are also something which I've been learning about. It's in this area where I have some questions. I've come to certain conclusions about the role of husbands in an Islamic marriage. I'm going to list my questions one by one. Please do answer each of them.

Firstly, I have to say something. By reading my questions, some of you may believe that I'm not a "good Muslim" or that there is something wrong with my Iman. This isn't true. I've been a Muslim since birth and offer my Salawat five times every day. As a Muslim, I always try to perform my obligations towards Allah as much as I can. Anyways, my questions are as follows:

1. Personally, I don't see how a Nikah benefits men. In an Islamic marriage, husbands have the duties of taking care of their wives financially, whereas wives aren't required to spend anything. When getting married, a husband also has to provide a dower to his wife, but a wife doesn't have to provide any financial gift. I remember watching a lecture of Dr. Zakir Naik about the rights of women in Islam. In the Q&A session of that lecture, he stated that wives are the "winners" in marriage and husbands are the "losers." Now, I have no intention of starting a debate or argument about gender equality. I know that Allah is a loving God and He is very just. However, I don't understand why He legislated marriage, an institution where men have to lose and women are supposed to win? Doesn't Islam view men and women to be equal?

2. The primary right of a husband is to be shown respect. But many women these days don't respect their husbands. They have this attitude, "Why should I respect my husband? Why does he deserve respect?" In an Islamic marriage, women have the right of being treated by their husbands in a kind manner, and they often take advantage of this right. They think they can do anything they want. I don't want my future wife to be very controlling and manipulative towards me. If I can't get respect from my wife after getting married, then what's the point of being married at all?

3. One thing I've learned is that women mainly get married in order to receive love from their husbands. Hence a husband is encouraged to show love and affection to his wife. As I'm a male myself, I will expect my wife to respect me. However, I also want to be loved by my wife. When I get married, I want my wife to love me. I understand that Allah has given many rights to women in order to protect and honor them. But isn't marriage an institution where a husband is also supposed to find love? Therefore, what are a woman's duties when it comes to loving her husband and what does Islam say about this?

4. Another right of a husband is that a wife can never refuse her husband's sexual advances. But I've read many cases where a woman refuses to have sex with her husband without a valid excuse. Usually, wives approach their husbands for sex to have children. Women don't understand that a man mainly wants to have sex for physical pleasure. Those of you who read my previous posts in this site may know that I was addicted to porn and masturbation in the past. Alhamdulillah, I've been successful in getting rid of these addictions. One of the main reasons why I will get married is to be able to release my sexual urges on my wife. Now, if my wife doesn't give me sex when I want it, then what else can I do? Moreover, a husband isn't even allowed to force his wife to have sex with him if she doesn't want to. From an Islamic perspective, if I can't fulfill my sexual desires in marriage, then the marriage would not be fulfilling its purpose.

There is one more thing I have to say about this point. We learn from an authentic Hadith in Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim that our prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) gave permission to Abu Sufyan's wife to take some of his wealth without his knowledge. This Hadith teaches that a woman can take some money from her husband without his permission if the husband does not properly maintain her financially. If Islam permits a woman to take some of her husband's property when he falls short in his financial duties, then why can't a man force his wife to have sex if she refuses without a valid reason? It's quite clear that Allah is favoring women above men, so how are men and women equal? In marriage, wives are apparently supposed to be greater than their husbands.

These are the questions which have been bothering me. When answering my questions, please don't lecture me about how men can be "bad husbands" because I already know that. If I get married, then I will try to be a good husband and fulfill all the rights of my wife, Insha'Allah. Islam is a beautiful way of life and its teachings regulate many aspects of our lives for our own benefit. But when it comes to marriage, I don't understand why its teachings are aimed more towards the benefits of women than men. I want to get married to a woman who will respect me and obey me, and who will also support me in life.

Thank you in advance. Jazakallahu Khairan.

SMR20

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20 Responses »

  1. If you believe that you will be a good husband who will meet his obligations in Islam and be loving and kind to his wife, then you should pray to Allah to grant you a pious and loving wife and believe that He will accept your prayer and grant it. It's really that simple. Frankly, your post doesn't make sense - if you know that not all men are good husbands but believe that you will be, why does the knowledge that some women are bad wives make you doubt the entire institution of marriage? Have some faith in Allah and the basic goodness in the vast majority of your Muslim sisters and brothers.

    Also, do you really need someone to explain to you the difference between a woman taking money from her husband to pay rent or buy food and a man raping his own wife??? Rape is a horrendous crime, one that damages a woman physically and emotionally and can cause a woman lifelong trauma. If you think you can rape your wife once because she's not in the mood and then afterwards you'll be able to resume a normal married life, you are mistaken - your wife will never forgive the trauma you inflicted on her and she will never be able to forgive you.

    • Dear NE, I understand that a husband can't rape his wife even if she refuses to have sex without a valid reason. However, one of the most important rights of a husband is that he can demand sex from his wife whenever he wants, and the wife isn't allowed to refuse. A woman is of course permitted to refuse her husband's call for sex if she has a valid reason to do so (e.g. the wife is having a sickness). But I'm talking about a situation when a woman refuses to have sex with her husband without a legitimate reason. I know that rape is a very offensive crime, and I don't consider it to be something good.

      At the same time, however, a wife can't just continue refusing her husband's sexual advances without a valid reason. One of the main objectives of marriage is fulfillment of sexual desires, and it's the husband's right to have sex with his wife. I know that a husband can't rape his wife under any circumstances. But if a woman doesn't answer her husband's call for sex without a valid reason, then what is the husband supposed to do in such a situation?

      • Then the husband has several options, he can be patient, he can divorce her, or he can take a second wife provided he can meet all his obligations to both women. Frankly I have to agree with Asim, your questions are extremely obvious and if you'd given them two seconds of thought we wouldn't have to have such an offensive conversation. I think you just want to start a controversy, and I think you should apologize - if you know that rape is a horrendous crime, why are you even considering or thinking about it?? Why do you need someone to justify the fact that it is forbidden?? I'm sorry, but I don't believe that a normal young man with a healthy outlook on life would discuss this the way you have. If you're being a troll, then please have some decency during Ramadan. If you're genuinely asking, then you need to look inside yourself and find out what is wrong with your faith and your understanding of Islam that you can think this way. Believe it or not, life is not all about getting exactly what you want the minute you snap your fingers, everyone else be damned.

  2. "Personally, I don't see how a Nikah benefits men. In an Islamic marriage, husbands have the duties of taking care of their wives financially, whereas wives aren't required to spend anything"

    -This may be so the women doesn't have to go outside and earn money, and communicate with non mehram man in the process. Also the man must take care of the whole family not just the women. You don't get up in the morning everyday and go to work just for your women, you do it for your entire family and so that you can provide yourself and as well as your family the basic necessities. While keeping in mind that you can also help the poor by giving it to the needy.

    "When getting married, a husband also has to provide a dower to his wife, but a wife doesn't have to provide any financial gift"

    -This is only so in case of a emergency like the husbands death the wife has something to fall back on or if you were to divorce her. (imagine if you divorced a women who has no family members or parents to take her back , what will happen then? that's why its important)

    "I don't want my future wife to be very controlling and manipulative towards me. If I can't get respect from my wife after getting married, then what's the point of being married at all?"

    -You must give respect to earn it , if you give her respect and she doesn't give it back , then there is something wrong, but there is no point in having preconceived notions, about her not respecting you.

    3. She should encourage him to do good deeds while dissuading him from bad ones. She should also provide adequate measures to maintain his health and well-being. The results of her efforts are directed towards making the man into a kind and respected husband who would be a proper guardian for his family

    "Imam Rida (a.s) stated: 'The greatest gain for a man is a faithful woman who, when she sees him, becomes happy and protects his property and her own honor in his absence'."

    4. Why assume that will be the scenario? Although there are certain times and certain conditions where she is not allowed to engage in it. (Menstruation, sickness, etc.)

    OP:This Hadith teaches that a woman can take some money from her husband without his permission if the husband does not properly maintain her financially.

    -It says "IF" but you have stated that you will be a good supportive husband who will abide by your duties so I doubt you have to worry about her taking your money.

  3. OP:I remember watching a lecture of Dr. Zakir Naik about the rights of women in Islam. In the Q&A session of that lecture, he stated that wives are the "winners" in marriage and husbands are the "losers."

    -An Islamic scholar is saying this? he should really choose his words more carefully, or maybe he meant something else , and you took it literally.

    -The man can finally fulfill his desires in a halal manner, so how is he the looser? In your mind is it because he has to financially support his wife? if that is why you think the man is the looser , then its not true and like I stated before your not obligated to provide for your wife only but the whole family. Your wife is not superior to you and nor are you to her,

  4. Brother ,

    Life is a test .
    When we are bachelors first thing we have in our mind is SEX .
    We think that we will get good sex and life will be cool .But life is tricky .You might or might not get that satisfaction due to various reasons but there might be some good qualities that wife will be having which will make life good ..When kids comes in to the picture you will enjoy spending time with them ..

    If you don't get married and stay alone most probably you will be doing sin but if you stay with your wife and kids and day to day you interact with them ,listen to them ,try to earn money for them basically you will be busy and even though sex might not be great but other factors still keep you away from sin ...

    Majority of sins happens like porn ,etc etc when you stay alone .Imagine if you don't get married and say come home from office and stay in your room what you will do for refreshment ? Obviously you will either watch TV or login to Web world which is channel for many haraam stuff like chatting,porn etc etc . Most of these things happens when you are alone . Imagine if you are with wife these haraam stuff will not happen

    You need to be matured enough to handle marriages .I think you can take some more time before getting married as with time when you start becoming old you will realize how boring it is to stay alone .

    I get the best enjoyment when spent time with my son who is 4 year old ...I was not having great relationship with wife but over a period of time things went fine and it is good now ..

  5. Salam.

    Your main problem is that you are viewing this issue with an "us versus them" mentality and that is interfering with your view of marriage. In a good marriage, there is no winner or loser even though you said Dr. Zakir Naik said so. Marriage is an institution where both sides work towards a common goal much like what happens in a company. View yourself and your potential spouse as different departments of a company which has a specified goal. Each department has different duties, but an equal share in making the company function in order to achieve the goal. If you view your marriage like this, you will realize that your are not a loser and your wife is not a winner, but the both of you are equal stakeholders in the relationship you build. Your successes and failures are one. In the case of marriage and your case particularly, your goal is to please Allah(SWT) by lowering your gaze which will be done in shaa Allah, through marriage. If you keep this in mind when looking for a spouse, Allah (SWT) will grant you a spouse like you who will contribute towards this goal of yours. This is essential to note because your intention will determine what kind of spouse you get. If you are marrying in order to lower your gaze in order to please Allah (SWT), He will grant you a spouse who will please you and return the love and affection you give her.

    Salam

    iqbal

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    Marriage isn't about winning or losing. It's about forming a partnership with someone you can love and respect and trust, to work towards building a life together and growing in your deen together.

    Getting rid of dowry customs (which required a woman's family to effectively pay a man to take away their daughter), giving women the right to refuse to get married, giving women the right to khula... these were huge steps forward in terms of women's rights. It's worth remembering that as Islam established these rights and the rights of women to own property and businesses, to testify in courts of law, etc., much of the rest of the world didn't even believe women had souls. If you look at the rights of women, you'll see that it's not about women having more rights than men, it's about moving towards having equal rights.

    The mahr can be a big or a small amount, and can be agreed by the couple. It's not meant to be a hardship. Providing this means that if something happened which meant the woman was left alone (eg. if her husband died, or if he abandoned her after the wedding), she would not be destitute. She would have some resources to look after herself and any children they had, until she could either return to her family, or marry again, or establish herself independently if need be.

    Respect is a two-way thing. If you want your wife to respect you, treat her with respect. Would you respect someone if they didn't treat you with respect? There's a difference between respect and blind obedience - if you want blind obedience, get a dog instead.

    As for sex, it isn't the case that women will only want sex to have children - sex can be an important and enjoyable aspect of a relationship for both men and women. You say that a woman can never refuse her husband sex - Islam is clear that this is not the case! Men and women both have the right to give or refuse consent for sex, if they have a valid reason - the guidance is that we shouldn't deny our spouse their rights unless there is a reason.

    Frankly, I'm appalled that you're even having to ask why you wouldn't be allowed to rape your wife. Rape is one of the worst things you could do, and is a guaranteed way to destroy all trust, love and respect in a relationship. The simple fact that you have to ask that question raises serious doubts about whether you're ready for marriage - before looking for a wife, I think you need to learn more about men and women's rights in Islam, and change your expectations about marriage.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Dear midnightmoon, wa 'alaikumus salam.

      I understand everything you have said. But I'd like to expand upon some points I made in the post.

      1. I know that Islam has given both spouses the right to enjoy sexual intimacy with each other in marriage. But isn't the right to demand sex more specific for the husband? It's a fact that women can control their sexual impulses better than men. Moreover, there are Ahadith which explicitly state the sin incurred by a woman if she refuses her husband's sexual advances without a legitimate reason. However, this isn't the case with men.

      2. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that a woman is required to answer her husband's call for sex all the time. Wives are of course permitted to refuse their husbands' call for sex if they have a valid reason to do so (e.g. the wife may be sick).

      3. You misunderstood me about the rape issue. I certainly know that rape is a very offensive crime. I'm not saying that it's okay for a husband to rape his wife. But I only wanted to know the reason for its prohibition in a marriage. You see, if a man does not financially support his wife without a valid reason, then the wife is permitted to steal some of his money. I'm saying it once again: a wife is permitted to steal some of her husband's money only if he does not financially support her without a valid reason. Similarly, if a woman refuses her husband's call for sex without a valid reason, then why can't the husband rape her? I'm repeating myself: I don't consider rape to be something good. I just want to know the reason for its prohibition.

      • " Similarly, if a woman refuses her husband's call for sex without a valid reason, then why can't the husband rape her?"

        Because rape causes more emotional, psychological and physical damage than stealing from your spouse to support yourself. The fact that you actually DON'T know the obvious answer indicated two things to me:

        1. The question is trolling

        Or

        2. You have a shockingly low amount of basic intelligence.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Are you seriously asking why it's not ok for a husband to rape his wife? Seriously??

        Read the posts on this site from women who have been raped, and from men who have found out someone they love has been raped. It is, quite simply, one of the most horrific things a human can do to another person. That is why you can't do it.

        Rape isn't the same as taking some money for survival. It's the brutal taking of something fragile and irreplaceable, for nothing more than feelings of power and sexual gratification. It can break a person's body and spirit, destroys relationships, and the trauma may never leave the person - a woman may be so traumatised by rape that she never trusts or has a relationship with a man again, she may be physically and mentally affected for the rest of her life, she may even commit suicide because of it.

        You say that you want to be a good husband to your wife in the future. In order to be one, you need to get it firmly fixed in your head that there is never an excuse for rape. No woman will respect or want to be with a man who thinks rape can be justified.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. Assalam alaikum,

    Your original post on May 30,2014:

    Assalamu 'alaikum, brothers and sisters in Islam.

    I'm a Muslim teenager, 16 years old. My problem may seem awkward to some people, but it's really making my life difficult.

    My problem is that I'm very attracted to beautiful women, especially those who are thin. This is why I also like to look at pictures on the internet of women having sex. Actually, I like looking at pictures that are cartoons. I like looking at cartoons and comics related to sex. For example, I once searched for "Sex comics" on Google Images and a lot of pictures of women having sex came up. These types of comical pictures really stimulate my sexual urges, and I just can't help but surrender myself to them.

    My sexual urges seem to have a lot of control over me. So, I often tend to masturbate in my bed before sleeping at night. While masturbating, I fantasize about myself having sex with a beautiful, thin woman. It gives me a lot of pleasure. Sometimes, my desires also lead me to watch animated porn videos.

    I'm sometimes able to go several days without masturbating. But my urges would once again make me fantasize about a beautiful woman and I just start masturbating. I just can't seem to get my mind off women. Why am I so attracted to beautiful women, especially those who are thin? I don't know. I need help with this. I would appreciate an answer as soon as possible. Thank you.

    One more thing before I finish. I'm not married yet. I know that one of the best solutions to masturbation is to get married. I'm not hopeful of my future since my sexual urges have a very good hold over me. When I do decide to get married, should I marry a beautiful woman with whom I can satisfy my desires, or should I marry a pious woman? Please do provide me suggestions.

    And now recently you write:

    These are the questions which have been bothering me. When answering my questions, please don't lecture me about how men can be "bad husbands" because I already know that. If I get married, then I will try to be a good husband and fulfill all the rights of my wife, Insha'Allah. Islam is a beautiful way of life and its teachings regulate many aspects of our lives for our own benefit. But when it comes to marriage, I don't understand why its teachings are aimed more towards the benefits of women than men. I want to get married to a woman who will respect me and obey me, and who will also support me in life.

    Brother SMR20,
    This is now your 6th post regarding intimacy particularly in a marriage. You were 16 when you wrote your first post and later, in another, you wrote you were 17--so either you are now 17 still or have turned 18. I am not sure.
    Regardless of your age, I do not believe you are anywhere near ready for marriage.

    In your teenage years you have watched animated porn movies. I don't know what they show in those, but I am going to make a guess here and say that they probably show worse things in those that in real life porn simply because it is animated without real people. Since you have exposed yourself to this filth, it makes complete sense why you would wonder why a husband can't rape his wife. You need counselling and it is as simple as that. Don't argue around this and deny it, but porn alters the mind and the fact that you repeatedly admitted that you succumbed to it and couldn't control your urges makes me wonder if you will NOT be able to control yourself around your wife to the point that you will rape her because you have already rationalized it all out in your mind.

    You don't understand that marriage is NOT just for you to fulfill your sexual needs, it is also for wife, for society, and most importantly, to please Allah swt and a way to raise the status of your soul. It is about spiritual bonding. In a good healthy marriage, husband and wife talk and sometimes argue, they give and they take, and they don't crazy-glue themselves to their rights pamphlet. Yes, you are supposed to get your rights and your wife should hers, but a good wife would help her husband out financially when he needed and he wouldn't take advantage of her money or start expecting it all the time. A good wife would be loving to her husband and wouldn't use intimacy as a weapon. A good husband wouldn't start being the hadith police if his wife refused intimacy and tell her she is headed for hell but rather he would try to understand her emotions and needs and dig a little deeper.

    In a good marriage, there are arguments! In a good marriage, there is humbleness and sometimes the wife is wrong and sometimes the husband is wrong because neither one is an angel.

    So yes, you want a wife who will respect, obey and love you--but while you were polluting your mind with porn--you ended up damaging the part that your future wife will need from you. So first, you are too young to be married and I would say not hardly mature from some of the things you have written--to the point it is concerning.

    Get some counselling. If you have any female relatives, would you want any of them being raped in a marriage? Imagine if you had a daughter in the future, would you want her husband to consider that? So, enough with this question, it is wrong.

    Besides, a husband doesn't NEED to rape his wife, because a woman has sexual desires too--but they are different than a man's and they are aroused differently than a man. Porn has completely destroyed how you view women and how their desires exist and need to be met. If a husband and wife establish a good understand and relationship and a strong bond, a wife will understand her husband's needs and he will understand hers.

    Finally, marriage doesn't benefit women more--I could write an essay to refute what you have written counter it by saying how marriage benefits men more--but I know that there is give and take on both sides. And it is like this. If you ask two people on opposite sides of the earth if it is day or night, one will say day and the other will say night--it is all about perspective and understanding that it is neither always day and nor is it always night.

    May Allah swt guide us all and help you to improve your understanding, Ameen.

    • Sister Saba is 100% right about the destructive effects of porn on your self-image, your expectations of a woman, and your ability to relate to a wife normally. There is a saheeh hadith that says that he who lives 30 days (or 40 - I don't remember) among a people, becomes one of them. And another hadith says that he who imitates a people becomes one of them. The point is that when you expose your mind and soul to a particular kind of input regularly, you begin to take on the characteristics of what you are seeing. If it is bad, you absorb those bad traits. If it is good, it changes you for the better.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah dear sister "Saba",

      I would be most keen to hear how a husband benefits from marriage 🙂

      No, I'm seriously.

      SubhanAllah, since reverting, and after studying much about Islam for the past 8 years (from the tafaseer (ibn kathir), to the sahihain, riyadh us-saliheen, ar-rahiq al-makhtum, al-adab al-mufrad, etc, and listening to many shuyookh), it appears to me that the wife is truly the ruler in a family and especially the wider society. After-all, as previous imam's used to say: "the mother is the first teacher of the shuyookh and scholar"!

      Perhaps it's just my twisted interpretation, but it appears that the rights the wife and mother have been given are greatest than those of men - for example, the huge right of the mother over the father.

      In the beginning of marriage, the husband might benefit temporarily, but if the wife is intelligent and obedient, she'll quickly come to realise that by simply offering intimacy and listening to her husband, the husband will later soften to the point that she becomes the ruler and decision-maker in the family and that her husband is swayed by her decisions and gives her total freedom to control.

      Thus we now have movements in the west such as the "submissive wives club": -
      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-452327/I-Stepford-wife-saved-marriage.html

      (this sadly isn't always the case with hard-hearted and uncaring husbands).

      It's no wonder that most learned scholars agree that behind every great man is a greater woman!

      The primary example is our beloved Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam, (as Sheikh Yasir Qadhi points out in the seerah) for him to be the best to the society, he needed the best woman, and subhanAllah how Allah ar-rahmaan blessed our Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) with the greatest woman ever created (Khadija radhiAllahu anha wa alayha salaam)!

      Even in the western man-made law, alhamdulillah I have had the opportunity to listen to family court judges, and some women judges in the west realise that the law favours women more than the man. And thus we have political movements such as "Father 4 Justice", etc.

      Alhamdulillah, a former western feminist who reverted to Islam - the late Sister Amina Assilmi (rahimahullah) also argued on these points, that the woman benefits far greater than the man in an Islamic marriage, especially polygamous marriages.

      Western non-Muslim critics are quick to point out ayah 34 of surah an-nisaa, but subhanAllah, it's interesting to hear Sister Assilmi (rahimahullah) point out that the limit and restraint is only for men - it says nothing about the fact that women can't show the same or worse treatment to their husband - i.e. beat their husbands!

      Of course, subhanAllah, no one is arguing for any of this!
      And the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam never raised his hand against a woman (except on the battlefield (in the pre-hijab era)).

      -

      Some people here are arguing, "you must give respect to earn it", subhanAllah, I completely disagree. So that's implying that it begins from the husband?
      Whereas, if the husband is the "leader of the household", by default of his position, he deserves respect whether he earns it or not. It's just like the khalifa / ruler of the country / company boss - we must respect them, and whether they are deserving of that respect is another question! 🙂

      And alhamdulillah, the famous hadith with regards to all of us being shepherds is testifying to that, along with the hadith about the wife prostrating to the husband (IF the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam could have ordered it...).

      Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
      The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) as saying: Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The amir (ruler) who is over the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is a shepherd in charge of the inhabitants of his household and he is responsible for his flock; a woman is a shepherdess in charge of her husband's house and children and she is responsible for them; and a man's slave is a shepherd in charge of his master's property and he is responsible for it.
      So each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.
      - al-adab al-mufrab, sunan abi-dawud, etc.

      Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
      The Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said, "If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband".
      - riyad us-saliheen, at-tirmidhi, ibn Maajah, etc.

      Ibn Hibbaan narrated that Abu Hurayrah said:
      The Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said: “If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’”
      - Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’.

      It thus appears to me that one of the hardest tasks of a wife is being obedient and giving her husband intimacy, and thus as many shuyookh have pointed out:
      "it's as though Allah aza wajal is saying: look, if you pray, fast ramadaan, and if you can just offer these 2 things (obeying husband and being intimate with him), then Allah will bless her with jannah through any door she wishes!".

      -

      In the end of course, as Muslims, we put our trust in Allah al-'aleem ul-hakeem, and He knows that which we don't know, and He knows that which is best and most Just and Fair for all of us.

      "wa-'alayhi tawakaltu wa huwa rabbul arshil adheem"!

      fi-amanAllah,
      was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

    • Wa alaikum Assalam Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu,

      Congratulations for becoming Muslim and maa shaa Allah you are very knowledgeable.

      You have inquired:
      "I would be most keen to hear how a husband benefits from marriage "

      Brother, you have studied Islam for 8 years and I have no doubt that you are more knowledgeable than me in Islam, especially in that case. So, I believe you would know better of how husbands benefit in marriage--or are you saying that they don't?

      Also, I do find it concerning, to be very frank and honest, that you were more worried about my statement than the OPs question about raping one's wife in Islam.

      If you noticed, I wrote:
      "I could write an essay to refute what you have written counter it by saying how marriage benefits men more--but I know that there is give and take on both sides."
      So, I actually said that I could write an essay to say how marriage benefits men, but that I know that both have to give and take in a marriage. Which means, I don't actually believe that marriage benefits men more--and for that matter, women more. In fact, I said in my last few lines I compared marriage to day and night and if we consider day beneficial and night to not be, neither is it always day nor always night--meaning that in marriage, it is not the wife that benefits all of the time nor is it the husband that benefits all of the time. I hope that this clarifies the matter.

      You have mentioned the following hadith:

      Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
      The Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said, "If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband".
      - riyad us-saliheen, at-tirmidhi, ibn Maajah, etc.

      But I believe it is as follows with context:

      "Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu'aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allaah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”
      Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah."

      So, it was not randomly that this statement came about, but rather it was in response to people incorrectly prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs. We all know that Iblis was ordered to prostrate to Prophet Adam AS along with the angels and that Iblis refused. From this, we never hear that Prophet Adam AS use this moment of when Allah swt commanded Iblis and the angels to prostrate to him as a way to mention his own significance--yet, men that are not prophets use this hadith about women prostrating to their husbands many times and without the context. And yet, it wasn't even Allah swt who said it, it was Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. We all know that we are not allowed to prostrate to anyone, ever, under no circumstance, except Allah swt, so I am not sure why this hadith is mentioned without context and without tafseer because to do so otherwise is, in my mind, irresponsible.

      So, what is the point of the hadith? The point of the hadith is that a woman has a very important job as a wife--not one to be taken lightly or to be stated as easy. She has the important task of investing her time and energy into pleasing her husband because of the many things he looks out for her and their family. Her job is not easy and let me tell you why. Women, as we know, have a different biological structure than men. With their hormones that facilitate their female strengths, they have to control these feelings. If a woman is to obey her husband, a husband who is just, kind, gentle, fair, loving, strong and who is a provider, that would be a walk in the park. But, let's be honest, men, like women, are not angels. For a woman to obey a husband who makes mistakes, abuses his position at times, or is swayed by his family or society, or does drugs or drinks is extremely difficult--and you have stated that a husband needs to be respected without earning it--so, how does a woman reconcile her position with this statement in the reality of the world? These are the two extremes. Men fall somewhere on this spectrum of extreme good and bad and women, have to struggle to obey their husbands and sometimes it means silencing their voices or the storm that brews inside--sometimes women are wrong and should obey, but sadly, sometimes they are right and they obey and suffer abuse.

      I would say that the job of a man is not easy, nor is the job of a woman easy. Allah swt tells women and men to do their jobs and how to do their jobs, why? Because Allah swt instructs us on those things that we have the possibility of making a mistake on or struggling with. Does Allah swt every tell us to breathe? No. That is because it is involuntary and requires no labor or thought. We are commanded in the Quran to pray regularly, to pay Zakat, to take care of the orphans and the poor and so on--so we are instructed to do those things that are not involuntary and that require thought and detailed attention. So, if a woman is commanded to obey her husband--she may experience a varying degree of ease or difficulty in this depending on her own ability/struggle and depending on the nature of her husband.

      As for who benefits more from marriage--it depends on the marriage--because we are only talking theoretically here--practically, the situation is far from theory. Marriage is like a vehicle. A woman may be akin to the fuel and a man may be akin to the steering wheel. They need each other for growth and direction. Most men can't survive without women and most women can't survive without a men. Men have the right to marry 4 wives (as an example), while women would have to spend 3/4 of their time alone if her husband chose to do that--that is a significant right. Yes, women have the right to maintenance, but she also has to control her emotions which is her challenge as per her make-up. I don't take for granted what men have to do in a marriage or a polygamous marriage, but I cannot agree with saying that a woman has it easy in a marriage--a theoretical perfect marriage, perhaps yes, but that Utopia isn't available for us on this planet earth.

      But this really isn't a competition now is it? Allah says about humans, men and women, though the English translation only uses man as that is the best translation of 'insaan':
      [95:4-8]
      "We have certainly created man (insaan) in the best of stature;
      Then We return him to the lowest of the low,
      Except for those who believe and do righteous deeds, for they will have a reward uninterrupted.
      So what yet causes you to deny the Recompense?
      Is not Allah the most just of judges?"

      So, at the end of the day, man or woman, we will be set apart for our righteous deeds, not for our gender, our skin color, our tribe, our status or anything for that matter. So, let us focus on those things, inn shaa Allah.

      And Allah knows Best.

      Jazak Allah for your comment. I have already written a lot, even though I Wanted to write more. I don't believe these are easy topics to discuss, but I felt I had to reply in order that you didn't walk away thinking that I believe men have it easy in marriage.

      May Allah swt guide us on the straight path and forgive us for our small and big sins so that we may see Him one day in Jannah, Ameen.

      • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

        Forgive me, but you come across as quite young 🙂
        InshAllah, as you experience more, and study / live with various families, you'll come to realise how the good (obedient) woman rules over her husband; and how women benefit from marriage more than men, especially polygamous marriages, and how marriage is primarily a protection for women.

        Of course that is not to say that both partners don't need each other, and in fact I would argue the husband is the weaker and needs the wife more than the wife needs a husband.
        (and this is not a contradiction)

        SubhanAllah, I don't know how society became so deluded as to think polygamy was for the benefit of men, rather it is only for the benefit of the woman, men really don't benefit at all, especially not if they are God-fearing.

        Alhamdulillah, I've had the opportunity to live in 3 continents, and seen countless families and even polygamous marriages, and I see the same thing over and over again. This is further strengthened as I study more about Islam, it becomes clearer as I age that subhanAllah, Allah al-muhaimin ur-rahmaan has protected women like jewels, and they are truly the leader over men and the family and society at large, they are the key decision makers.

        Most happily married men aged above 40/50 would realise this.

        Again, as I mentioned, there are exceptions, such as with evil men who have no care and no fear of God.

        -

        Alhamdulillah, of course I know the context of that hadith (about prostrating to the husband), however, subhanAllah, you have completely misunderstood it and you don't realise that it only strengthens my point 🙂
        On the surface it appears there's something special about the husband, but as you dig deeper and especially in life, you'll realise that it's only for the benefit of the woman to bring about her own happiness, and the happiness of her family and inshAllah the society. This is the very thing which causes the woman to become the leader in her home, and over her husband.

        But khair inshAllah.

        With regards to brother "SMR20", I think most people really didn't understand what he was trying to say, and people went to extremes as soon as they saw the word rape. Even though the brother clarified 2 or 3 times and stated rape is wrong, yet you and others overlooked his main concerns.

        With regards to the Adam alayhis salaam and Iblis, heh, you're comparing apples and oranges 🙂

        With regards to your statement:
        "I would say that the job of a man is not easy, nor is the job of a woman easy."
        I completely disagree, men have a very simple and easy task of bringing home the money - even a child can earn halal, and sadly many do in other countries. Of course, men have other tasks, but I have simplified it for the sake of helping you to understand.

        Thus I argue that women have a FAR, far bigger role in the home and their society and the responsibility they have in raising the children, and so the healthy society - sadly many neglect this and think it's too simplistic and thus leave the protection of their home to go out and work (the exception is widows and single-mothers).

        Take care dear sister Saba,
        and may Allah al-wasi' un-'aleem open our eyes and our hearts, and bless us with greater imaan and trust in Him alone, and may Allah al-'aalim ul-hakeem bless us with hiqma wal ilm, ameen ya-rabb!

        was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

        • I think you are blessed to feel the way that you do--but I didn't grow up in the luxury of the Utopian world that you did. The number of times my father deemed my mother to be a dweller of hell based on ahadith and told her that his position is such that she would have been instructed to prostrate to her echo enough in my soul that it not only damaged her, but damaged my family. & yet I was the one who misunderstood? SubhanAllah. The Prophet, peace be upon him, was making a correlation of the husbands to the archbishops and the wives to the people that prostrated to those archbishops--and if I misunderstood--this only emphasizes why people should be careful about sharing this hadith without context and tafseer.

          If you truly believe that men don't benefit from marriage at all or much from its rules--that is your right. You keep saying that I have emphasized your point--but again, you have clearly misread when I said I COULD refute the argument--but I know better, SubhanAllah.

          I am also sorry that you feel that I have misunderstood so much--yet you feel that you understand Br. SMR20--I stand by what I say and believe that porn destroys a person's ability to properly sexually relate to one's future spouse and alters one's ability to even perform--there is a lot of information on this which is common knowledge--even non-Muslims agree that porn is damaging and recovery needs to be made even after its addiction because of the imprint it leaves ones mind-- anyways, I do not wish to discuss this matter further--May Allah bless you for sharing your thoughts with me. Jazak Allah.

          • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

            Dear sister, subhanAllah, I'm sorry to hear about your personal situation 🙁
            May Allah ar-barr ur-raheem help you and make it easy upon you, ameen!

            As I mentioned, sadly there are many men who have no fear of Allah 🙁

            Anyway, as you know, inshAllah the best thing we can do as Muslimeen who truly love and fear Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala, is to be patient and to soften our hearts with the constant remembrance of Allah: by reciting the book of Allah and constant dhikr during private moments and whenever we have spare moments, like when walking to places, driving, doing household chores, etc.

            Take care dear sister,
            and may Allah al-wahid us-samad bless us with soft, tender, and pure hearts, ameen ya-rabb!

            was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  8. Assalamu 'alaikum everyone. Thank you for all your replies. This is probably going to be my last comment. I'm not going to talk more about the questions I asked because those who commented have made their points. However, I feel that I have to defend myself.

    Firstly, as I've already said before, I don't consider rape to be something good. Before I asked my questions, I already knew that rape is a major sin. I'm not trying to justify rape because sins can never be justified. If I try to justify a sin, then I would go down to the level of Shaitan, as he tried to justify his disobedience to Allah. I've always known that rape is forbidden in our faith. Therefore, I have no intention of raping my future wife. If Allah prohibits something, then I accept it. I'm not someone who tries to seek loopholes in the teachings of Islam. I just wanted to genuinely know the reason behind the prohibition of rape.

    Secondly, sister Saba said that my addiction to porn may have corrupted by ideas about sexuality, and there may be some truth in her words. I admit that I was strongly addicted to porn in the past, but I'm no longer addicted at present.

    Thank you once again.

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