Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I connect with my wife after 10 years of marriage?

I need to understand that in a situation where I have spent more then 10 years with my wife, how I still feel and I think my wife too that we do not have understanding between us.

Leaving each other always comes as a discussion but because of our child who is 7 we just fume off and continue our lives. The situation is hurting us our sex life is almost none I want to extend the family but am very afraid that if I can give what is due to my next child because our differences are being well apprehended by our child.

Can you help that what should be done we have tried many times but after each try the distance or the differences increase by double

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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam,
    Brother shaytan will try and destroy our marriage, he will cause feuds, tempt us into adultery, tell us to neglect our duties within marriage, however we must stay strong, the parents relationship is picked up by the child, and your child will suffer if the distance between you and your wife keeps widening.

    i would reccomend praying, Allah will help you, he will guide you, and he will protect you from the shaytan, you must sit and talk to your wife in a romantic manner, show your love and affection for her, make time for just you and her, help her with the washing, cooking etc, kind gestures are liked by women and this step will improve yout marriage, you need to be closer and more intimate, this breaks down the barriers and thats when you experience love, you live almost seperate lives almost, this surely must be hard to take for both partners, but make the effort and bring love into the relationship, tell her how beautiful she is, small things make a big difference, and she will pick these positive vibes from you and be just as nice back, this improves understanding and breaks down that barrier which you are describing, also by following the above your child will pickup on the positivity and also be more happy.

    There is a dua you can read, if you read the following and blow it onto something sweet and consume yourself and give to your wife over a week, this can be fruit or anything else sweet, love and affection will increase in your marriage inshaAllah.

    inni ahbato hoobal-khaire an xikre rabbi hatta tavarat bil-hijab
    Verily I have loved the good things besides the remembrance of my Lord, until got hidden in the veil (of the darkness of the Night) (38: 32)

    Hope this helps and inshaAllah love and affection is forever more between you and your wife.

  2. As salamu alaykum, brother saadathar,

    You have received already an excellent advice from kelvenater, I would like to add the following, Please this is my personal opinion, take it with a pinch of salt, ....there was a time were you felt attracted to each other and love filled all the cells of your bodies, bring back those memories and the reasons why you felt in love with each other. Ask her for forgiveness for all the mistakes, wrongdoings and misunderstandings and show her through your acts the love you feel towards her.

    She must be very hurt too, acknowledge her suffering, let her talk and listen quietly, don´t feel attacked, she is telling you what hurt her, communication without fighting is a step to understanding and closeness, if she cannot do it, insha´Allah, you can. Try to find middle ways, not you or me, and related to your child, always think on the best for him, not the best for you or her, always in a smooth tone of voice. Accept both of you have a different way of looking to things, but see it in this way, she sees what you don´t see. Together you have a 360º of the whole situation, Insha´Allah, if you understand this, you will begin to enrichen your life with her views instead of feeling threaten by her or her attitudes.

    If you have the opportunity to eat together, feed her, little portions and do it gentle, if she rejects, try again the following days, don´t give up, think what she likes and give it to her, don´t take any rejection personally, keep trying, Insha´Allah, you have to win again all the lost land.

    Don´t pressure her for sex, let her know how important she is for you as your wife, your friend, your lover, the mother of your child, you need to see how her need of getting close to you grows, don´t be in a hurry, you need to remind her how much she loves you.

    When you feel that the clouds of dissapointment or fights are getting closer, stop and change the course of the winds, be gentle and sweet to her, do the opposite you have done lately, smile, love, soften your Heart, talk and hug your child, make of your house a home, recite the Quran and the Names of Allah(swt), make comments on it, let the Light of the Quran and the Sunnah bring Light to your Heart, to hers and your little one, insha´Allah. Keep Allah(swt) in your mind, mouth and whole body, change the patterns that have taken you were you are. Ask Allah(swt) for guidance, forgiveness and protection.

    Once you begin to reconnect with your essence and your priorities are well stablished, she will feel attracted towards you, you will be the Imam, the head of the family, you will emanate something she misses, what she need to fulfill her duties as muslimah and she will be drawn to you, insha´Allah.

    Get strong yourself going closer to Allah(swt), insha´Allah, do your prayers, make dua, she will notice the change, and you too, insha´Allah your heart won´t be in desesperation, instead a nice, gentle flow of Peace and love will fill your Heart, all of us wants to feel that Peace, she will feel attracted towards it and you will be there to guide her and show her the straight way, insha´Allah.

    Be patience with her, don´t try to change her, everytime you feel anything wrong coming, look for refuge on Allah(swt), pray, say, bismillah, Alhamdulillah, Subhana´Allah, Allahu Akhbar, insha´Allah, masha´Allah,.... this is simple but very effective, you will begin to change all the wrong memories of your cells and will build up a new memory full of love, gratitude, forgiveness, surrendering towards Allah(swt).

    Our Brother Professor X have shared with us the following link:


    Insha´Allah, here you will learn how to reinforce the bond of love and closeness between your wife and you.

    Please, brother, pray, pray and pray, study your deen and become the husband, the father, the man you are called to be, insha´Allah.

    Allah(swt) knows best.

    María Editor.

    • Very nice advice Sister Maria.

      Asalaam alaikum,

      It's important that you, Brother Saadathar, have communicated, but it's not transferring into long lasting tangible results. So, my advice moves out from that arena and goes to feeling and seeing results of a physical form once you take the good advice above.

      You need to add some relationship exercises and I see the perfect opportunity in two things you mentioned: you still talk about repairing this relationship (never mind that it's difficult as you just need help) and you still have some sort of sex life. These two aspects, no matter how small they are, are the two crucial things that can surely rebuild this marriage. There is definitely a reason for optimism, Brother Saadathar. You guys just need to try a few tangible exercises that Br.Kelvenater suggests, but also you guys need to take it to another more radical level. I like the part about feeding each other, but that should come after a time of serving each other.

      Allow me to elaborate.

      1. Serving each other. Before you can try to feed each other, first start off serving each other food. Here in this exercise, you will not comment on what you want or how much food you want. Your partner will make the complete decision. It's important that you start to submit to what the other wants from marriage and this is a small glimpse of that in what you serve. Whenever you desire more, you ask them kindly, "May I please have more?" Again, you only make a general request and you do not get to chose what you want. When your cup is empty you say, "I am thirsty, may I have more to drink?" Fill each other's cup, but here's a twist I want you to do, purposely take turns under serving each other. I want you to wrestle control and surrender it constantly.

      Afterwards, wash the dishes together. Being physically close can lead to greater intimacy.

      Needless to say, the kiddo needs to be away, but try to do this as often as possible. You don‘t have to say much, instead you are relying on building up the physical relationship to make it passionate and incredibly strong. This is going to become a fixture for you two to harness your relationships through.

      2. In time, you'll also cook together, but alternate days in choosing what to eat between each other. You do not ask her permission what to cook and neither does she when it's her turn, but you also remain to help each other with the preparation. Never say, "I'll cook and you do the dishes." Everything will be about doing stuff together.

      As a side note: If you can afford to do so, hire a maid and remove yourselves from cleaning your home. Break out of that monotony and concentrate on feeling relaxed in your home.

      Although this next part will be more sexual, it's to build on what you two still have. Don't focus on the conversation too much, as it will need to flow naturally, but instead focus on your actions towards each other. So in this instance, you two need to find time to be alone and select something that you want to do of these actions:

      3. Wash each other's hair. Indulge in purchasing the best shampoos for this. Do this slowly and gently. Use really warm water to get the hair wet. Massage the shampoo (vanilla scented or something similar) gently into each other's hair, firmly moving the scalp to relieve stress. Don't be afraid to ask her how she prefers it and tell her the same when it's your turn. This is a slow and deliberate process. Rinse with slightly colder water when you are ready to move onto conditioning each other's hair. Again indulge and buy the best conditioners. Use your complete attention and rinse again, but with a very cold temperature. The water warmth and coldness is deliberate, so please follow it as it breaks down stress and makes each other feel refreshed. Talk to each other to help improve one and other's technique.

      4. Prepare each other's clothes for each other. Wash, fold and iron together. Learn from each other on how to do this properly as it needs to be carefully mended, and when you do these things, talk about how certain outfits compliment each other's body and which you prefer to see on each other. Say things like, "this makes you beautiful/handsome." Begin to start picking out each other's outfits to wear the next day. Within a week, you should be begin choosing what each other wears for work and the home. Shop for new clothes allowing the other to pick what is best for the opposite.

      5. Stretch each other. This is to relieve stress.

      6. Foot massages and soaking tubs.

      7. A lot of long hugging sessions.

      8. You guys need a lot of heavy petting, too.

      9. As you progress, the time comes to bathe together.

      10. Full body massages. I recommend them daily, but this is per your schedule. However, do not fall below 5 times a week for now and never below 3 times a week in the future.

      11. Pillow fights. Use this as a way of playfulness and use really soft pillows.

      Let her read this, commit to each other and have fun making each other happy, relaxed and well pleased. The words will flow naturally.

      Lastly, hire a babysitter and go out more often.

      • ProfessorX, I edited one of your other comments slightly because of sexual content, and I have edited this one extensively, removing large portions that were far too explicit for this website. Please exercise some self-restraint in this area. This is not strictly an adult website. Anyone can come on here and read comments, and we sometimes get children as young as 11 and 12 who leave comments here. Keep that in mind, everyone.

        Wael Editor

  3. Aselam wealaykum Brother,

    As i undertand your sitution, first will ask you,did you help her in every thing that you have to help her ? secandly did you are the responsbilty of tham or...? like you pay for everything that have to pay for your house as a man? also did you think about tham or care about tham? or........, just answer the quetion that i asked u, if you are helping your family, inshallah ALLAH will always help you and protect you from (shytan )misunderstand each other.


  4. correct advice from Maria M, follow it..............

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