Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I control my disobedient wife?

Joshua Earle_Sunset above the Clouds_ZkBgR2U

Asslam o Aalikum

I am newly married around 6 months before.  I am out of Pakistan due to my Job and my wife is with my family at my home country. My family is caring and loving and my wife have no issue from them at all. There is no burden of work related to home for my wife. She is free even gets up late.

She did lots of mistakes but always my parents and me teach her with love and politeness that what is right and wrong. Now even six months passed she is still repeating the same mistakes which means that these are habits not mistakes any more.

  1. She is a liar. For even minor things she uses the word "God promise". Even it is sure that this is not true.
  2. She shouts in front of me and parents. She gives answer in front of everyone.
  3. We always try to teach her with love but she is not understanding.
  4. She discuss my family personal matters with his cousins.
  5. She never admits her mistake.
  6. She have no issue from me too as i really care for her.
  7. She wants to spend more time in his mother home.

I am already too much tensed. Even the day i got married my work is going down. Can you please help me what should I do. I am totally fed up.

Remember me and my family in prayers.

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5 Responses »

  1. Dear brother
    As per ur statement i blv u are not physically present wid ur wife and family. so STOP TAKING FEEDBACK AND INPUT about your wife from ur other family members.... its better for your future.
    Recently in my acquaintences' this sad thing happend, that man is working abroad n didn visit his wife and family for a year but his family used to input toxic in his brain on daily basis so finally he cut off contacts wid his wife and soon send her divorce although that all complaint n swearing drama went on calls by family n wife.
    so plz be nuetral. She(your wife)feels herself as an alien there widout her husband. Newly wed wives living wid inlaws always seek hiding place behind husbands' back... and you are not there for her....
    She might lie and swears alot because she is afraid of being judged on petty issues. In arabic culture most men n women use the word wallahi to swear and nobody judge them.... so stop taking inputs and stop being judgmental it takes years to built an undetstanding in a couple and that too when living togather which you guys are not....
    Be Rational....

    • Dear brother,

      What terrific and wise advice you have received from sister Muslimah...may Allah bless her and you both with everything your hearts desire.

      Salam

      Nor

  2. I agree with Muslimah. You are married, but you do not live with your wife. She lives with your parents. Who is she disobedient to - you or your parents? Why doesn't she live with you? You are her husband. It makes more sense that she should live with her own parents until you return and set up a household with her, or you can bring her with you to the UAE. Until then, your complaints are based on hearsay and conjecture. It is hard enough for a young bride to become accustomed to marriage -- this poor girl isn't even living in a marriage, she is living with people she does not know.

  3. Assalamu'alaikum,

    Brother, marriage is a relationship between two individuals when they become one. When a woman gets married, she leaves the home she spent all her life in and goes to a new home. The culture, the environment, people, daily chores, everything is different from what she has known.

    Perhaps when your wife does not find a friend to talk to, she turns to someone else to make herself comfortable. This must sadly be the role played by you, her husband. You must be her best friend and she must share her feelings and thoughts with you. It must be YOU who she reaches out to. When this is not the case, you must know that there is a problem.

    A dear friend of mine once sent me an article, which said:

    "Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, the answer is simple, explains that extensive research has found that a man’s primary need is for respect, while a woman’s primary need is for love.

    He describes what he calls the “crazy cycle”— the pattern of argumentation that results when the wife does not show respect and the husband does not show love.

    He explains how the two reinforce and cause one another. In other words, when a wife feels that her husband is acting unloving, she often reacts with disrespect, which in turn makes the husband act even more unloving.

    Eggerichs argues that the solution to the “crazy cycle” is for the wife to show unconditional respect to her husband and for the husband to show unconditional love to his wife.

    This means that a wife should not say that first her husband must be loving before she will show him respect. By doing so, she will only bring about more unloving behavior. And a husband should not say that first his wife must be respectful before he will show her love. By doing so, he will only bring about more disrespectful behavior. The two must be unconditional."

    When you married her, she became your responsibility. The culture of leaving women with parents and going away to work must change, considering a woman remains lonely for the entire duration of the man's absence, which is sometimes years. Did you know that Islam allows a woman to nullify her Nikah in case the man stays away from her for 6 months? Men must find alternatives and live with their wives while ensuring that their parents are not left unattended to.

    Instead of complaining, perhaps you should first talk to her and understand her. You are two different individuals who must learn to bear each other.

    Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: “A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)

    Allah, Almighty says: “… And live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good. (An Nisa: 19)

    "She is a liar. For even minor things she uses the word "God promise". Even it is sure that this is not true."

    Why not smile at what she said and stop arguing, even if what she said wasn't true? What if you eliminate the need for her to lie?

    "She shouts in front of me and parents. She gives answer in front of everyone."
    "We always try to teach her with love but she is not understanding."

    You need time alone and you need some love in your relationship. You need to understand what she demands (as in, what makes her happy and comfortable) and the same is true for her. When the relationship between you will strengthen, this situation won't arise in sha Allah.

    "She discuss my family personal matters with his cousins."

    You need to be her friend, the first person she would turn to when needed, as I mentioned above.

    "She never admits her mistake"

    Argument is the worst thing in a relationship. You would love the following hadith, in which, Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:

    "I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners." (Abu Dawood)

    Perhaps you should forgive her and give her time to accept your family, to learn to live in the new environment she has just stepped into. Do not make her mistakes seem like mountains, take them lightly and make her comfortable.

    "She have no issue from me too as i really care for her"

    This is what you think. She may have a lot of problems not known to you. Be the listener and ask her what makes her comfortable, what makes her happy.

    "She wants to spend more time in his mother home"

    When a person does not feel comfortable in an environment, they resort to the most comfortable environment to avoid stress. If she spends more time with her parents instead of yours, she must be missing you and perhaps she is not comfortable with your parents for some reason? When she lives with YOU and your parents support her in getting used to the environment of your house, she won't have a reason to do this in sha Allah.

    Marriage is a give-and-take relationship. Perhaps your wife is actually wrong; you still need to live with her with mutual understanding and love and give your relationship a chance.

    I pray that Allah Fills your life with happiness.

    Mohammed Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Communication is the key. Sit down and talk to her

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