Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I convince my parents to accept the man I want to marry?


Assalamu alaikum,

I am a 19 year old girl who is intending to marry a man who is 15 years older than me and has been a divorced and has got two kids, I have known him for nearly 5 years now and have fallen madly in love with since I think he is very mature and has guided me in a lot of bad things I got into in my teenage life. He too is a Muslim and an Indian same as me but my parents strongly disagree of him as he has got some past bad experiences with my Dad and also due to the fact that he is so much older and has got 2 kids.

I have got no problem with his kids, I am ready to take care of them if I have to but they are happy with their Mum at this stage.  I understand that all my parents’ want is good for me but they just don’t understand that I really love him and he loves me too. My dad thinks he has got a loose character and that he isn’t right for me but I know him very well and though he has some bad qualities in him, his heart is the heart of a good man that truly believes in Islam and I am fully confident that once I do get married to him I will change him to be a better person than he already is.

He is madly in love with me too and wants to marry me truly and change his whole life around as he has learnt a lot of lessons in his life to date and wants to start a new life with me.

My Dad talks to me and tells me the consequences of what’s going to happen in the family and our reputation and all that every week , until I came to a point where I didn't know if I should agree with my parents or him. He tells me that he will prove my parents wrong about their beliefs about his character, and that my dad will one day be happy about and everything, but as I said I came to an undecided point no knowing which side to go on and what to do, as I felt both of them are right and wrong in their own ways.

I decided to perform istikhara for a several days and got 2 dreams 1) I am wearing a white shalwar kameez and standing near a window really depressed and crying and my dad stands in front of me wearing a sweatshirt which belongs to the man I intend to marry, coloured green and blue and on the other side of the building he is waiting for me to come to him and he is growing old with beard growing on him. The 2nd dream I saw was 2) I am in my house which belongs to my Dad in India as newlyweds dressed up in red (as that’s the colour we wear in our wedding days in Indian ceremonies) and fully covered in gold jewelry, I am sitting on the bed next to the man whom I intend to marry and telling him to wake up and he wakes up and tells me how lucky he is to have me by his side and then my Mum enters the room telling me to keep a little distance in front of every one as it doesn't look good in front of elders when husband and wife come too close and so I agree and go out to say salaam and take my families blessings and amongst these people is my aunt, my grandfather(who is deceased), and few of my cousins they all give their blessings as I say salaam but all are very hesitant and held back about something.

I presumed these dreams were positive as I started getting this feeling that my parents will come around and everything will be fine and now I am pretty confident with the way I feel. I want to marry him but my parents are still not agreeing and my Dad has clearly told me that if I marry him he wants to break every tie with me and I am going to be dead for him, whereas my mum tells me that if I go with him something will happen to her and she will die. She keeps telling me that either I don’t go with him and come back to them or she is going to die and I go over her body.  I find this so hurtful as I love my mum but she just doesn’t seem to understand my pain of what I have been through or will be going through even though I feel so positive towards it all my parents just are not coming around, how do I convince them and what should I do?

I understand that istikhara is not only about dreams as it’s the guidance from Allah tallah and till now after reading istekhara stuff has become a lot easier for me to decide what decision to take and that is for me to go with him and marry him but my parents are just not coming around so what should I do to convince them?


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13 Responses »

  1. dear sister i have the same situation as yours but if the isthikara came as a posotive sign then inshallah i think u will marry him and eventually ur family will agree jus convience them

  2. sister your making a huge decision to marry this man based on your emotions your not thinking it through logically. For example you might say to yourself now that your mentally ready but later on when you live together things will change it might get tough and complicated for you I mean you are very young. Love isn't everything in a marriage their are other things too that make up a happy marriage.

  3. Salaam sister, do not take this the wrong way, but maybe your being played by this man i will explain my point below.

    I have seen many relationships in my time, they have been happy, succesful, heartbreaking, family tearing etc., most of these have been haraam, and the first 2 criteria were infact short lived, and the latter normally followed shorty after, in your case its important to consider the standings from a neutral point of view, your 'madly in love' this state of love is called 'blind love' and the meaning couldnt be more clear in your case.

    You are 19, an adult by class but not by understanding and so your still a kid in many respects, when it comes to relationships this plays a big part, for the last 5 years you have been in haraam relations with a man who is 15 years your senior, biologically old enough to be your father, this site has big sections on relationships outside of marriage, and they all conclude in severe repentence for the wrong, my prescription for you is no different.

    This man is 34 years of age, on the wrong side of the youth ladder by far and has 2 kids, yet you saw beyond that and fell in love with his lovely personality, how he treated you, and how he made you feel good and so on..., ah yes the perfect job description for a chancer, my purpose is not to slander but just open your eyes at the possibilities.
    Men have one desire when they are young, to have sex and so this leads to the seach for someone to have sex with, ...girls, young, beautiful and attractive, so man wants sex, girl is only possibility of such thing, yet you cannot go and ask a girl upfront, that would be abnormal, NO.. man uses his brain to find a legitimate way to get what he wants, so he uses courtship behaviour and eventually 'fake love' and bingo, man gets what he wants but then girl is left in rain, heartbroken, just a brief explanation of typical young men and how they manipulate girls to get what they want, i see it everyday. so apply this to your situation, why would he want to marry a young girl like you at his age, its not sex clearly, but that dosent mean he hasnt got other agendas, so your 34 have 2 kids and seperated, life seems still, then a young girl comes into your life and you think, surely i cant pull this off (he shouldnt even think of you in such a manner, but ok), but he tries nevertheless, and so installs these feelings in you, much like the younger men above, and you believe him because he 'loves you' and has made you adore him, BINGO hes just pulled of the impossible, and man gets what he wants.
    So lets say you marry old man, what do you get ?, 2 kids a old husband and...a haystack rolling in the desert, have you considered this, of course not, because your 'madly in love', well that love is lust, believe me shaytan is quite a artist, rather impressive success rate, so step back and think for a minute what your signing up for, 15 years is massive, and your benefits are not great, whereas he gets, a beautiful young girl, another carer for the kids, and another wife, older men love younger girls, its a fact, and has always been so, the young girl is a almost 'trophy wife', why ?, well because its like looking to buy a new car( a new wife), you look for something within your budget(someone your age or a bit younger) and then out of nowhere you pull of a miracle, by getting the most perfect car at your budget, its like a huge achievment, my reference to the car was merely to help you understand and i meant no association with any person.

    You cant answer these questions, because your the girl, i ask many and they say 'he loves us', few months later they swear at him and curse him, truth is the man manipulates the girl and installs false feelings in her, but theres too much at stake, he has expectations of a mature wife, which your not, arguments break out, your ideas of intimacy may vary and ultimately you may regret your decision, think these things through before making your decision.

    I agree with your parents questioning this man, since you admit he is a shady character with his bad experiences with your father, his urgence is yet another sign of control, get what you can before it goes, and no one likes losing something unbelievable especially at his stage in life, as for your istikhara ask your parents to pray it and see their outcome, based on this make your decision.

    I wish you all the best may Allah guide you, do not take my advice in a bad way, just its the rest of your life, its a bit hard putting my point across with roses around it, i hope you understand and do consider the questions i suggested, are you actually ready for such a big thing?, one last quote i will leave you with, ' i married him, and it was great, the honeymoon was perfect, then we returned to reality, he changed, that love wasnt there, i felt rejected and out of place, now i wonder did i make the biggest mistake of my life '.

    • Asalaam alaykum,

      I took her first paragraph to mean that she knew him through her parents and encountered him in that light. A second male figure in her life alongside her father, if you will. Perhaps through business dealings or the like.

      Also, I do not believe that the young girl loses much and perhaps is set to gain a worthy partner if she asks the right questions and listens to the answers objectively. Biologically speaking, they are a good match in terms of fertility and future intimacy.

      • Walaikumsalaam, that could be the case, but she wrote about him guiding her and so such a relationship that has lead to love... so i assumed it was haraam. however if your correct then my apologies on the misconception of the post to the sister, as for your second point, im always sceptical about the male intention, but maybe my view is biased on what i have witnessed and experienced, so i cannot say for sure but i just gave the sister the knowledge, and of course it can lead to a great relationship as also highlighted in your post below, but the key is to have that basic understanding.

  4. Asalaam alaikum,

    You state a lot of young hope in your post, as every young woman should. It is evident that you see in him a man who has been married before so he is capable of it again, has love of children that makes you see his warmness and is fertile, which is a biological key for a woman. In turn, he sees a young, fertile woman with energy and endearment that only you can have, a woman who looks up to him and a beautiful young lady who attracts what a man of his experience and age really focuses on: compassion, in abundant measure. These are all good things and though people question the age gap, I believe that when two people are committed, then can find a wonderful life to share.

    The biggest concern is not your age, as two people can overcome this if they meet each other half way: him needing to be youthful and spontaneous for you and you needing to be affectionate and patient with him. When he hits 40, he should be falling into a lifestyle that should mirror your mid-20s, and the both of you should enjoy this time immensely. I think that with you, he sees a "new beginning" with a woman so young and full of life. No doubt he'll be looking forward to the intimacy you two will share and in this regard, perhaps him being older will be the best thing for you, too. He should be able to fulfill your needs and you will more than likely will be happy with this part of your marriage.

    Yet, you must also temper yourself with an objective mindset that you and your potential husband must think through.

    Financially, I imagine that he is more stable and will be able to provide a sufficient life for you. He won't be chasing after every false hope, so again this is a benefit. However, your parents must be worried about you getting pregnant early and not going to college, so what is the consensus about this? They'll also be worried that 5 years from now, you may have feelings of insecurity among your peers, so you also need to make sure that you have a solid plan of life with your husband. How does he intend to support you at home, in school or with employment? Think these over carefully.

    What about his bad qualities. What are they? Has he continued this pattern or has he finally repented and moved on from those things? Please do not hang your harp on the ability to change him, if he has not already done so. I know women like to think that they can tame a husband, but it's usually not true. Again, it all depends on how he has reformed himself. If he's done so, then you should not worry about this any longer, if we are not talking about grave transgressions.

    Concerning his children: what would happen if their mother suffered an accident or could no longer take care of them? Are you really sure you could be a mother to them so soon, if this were to happen? This is not based on your age, but your maturity level. Please think about this closely, because it is something that you need to consider in-depth.

    Is the ex-wife a difficult women? I know many people would not say to worry about this, but with two children, she will always have ties to her ex-husband, so you should take this into consideration regarding your patience levels.

    It seems that as a young woman, the burden is falling a lot on you. However, when any man proposes to a woman, he also needs to take the time to speak to her parents thoroughly when there are concerns. Ask him to sit and speak with them, lay out your plans for the future and don't be afraid when your parents question him. It's not about having all the answers, but the quality of those answers and being able to 'stand the fire,' so to speak. He needs to take the initiative, because he is taking a great responsibility in providing for you and giving you love, compassion and all the necessities of life. Listen carefully to what he says and allow yourself to be objective.

    Your father and mother's irrational comments can only be brought into check if this man earnestly speaks to them and puts their mind to rest, provided that he has reformed his life. You cannot do this. He must rise up to the occasion himself, if he plans to take you from your father's home.

    You need to ask yourself, are you really ready for all of this? Are you ready to not just fall madly into his arms with love, but are you two willing to hold each other up, walk hand in hand and side by side through all the difficulties, tears and hardships? And if you are, sit him down and let him know by saying,.....

    "I'm willing to love you, but they might abandon me, so you cannot ever give up on me. I will be in tears and very much hurt, so are you willing to heal that pain? You cannot leave me alone, because I'll need you every day to hold me, to carry me and to adore me. My whole life will then be yours' to take and make happy. Can you be, not just a good husband, not just the best husband, but the husband that God needs you to be to take care of this young gentle heart that is inside of me?

    By the way, I know a couple who has 20 years apart between them. What keeps them going is how they play with each other, rely on each other by never arguing and being very affectionate to each other. I have never heard a couple laugh as much as them. They have found a balance that many people have not, but it wasn't always this way nor did it fathom out of thin air. It took patience, understanding and a commitment to never give up on each other. To be honest, this is what every marriage requires. And this is what him and you should be aspiring towards, too.

  5. wake up girl.

  6. Salaams

    I agree with Kelvenater

    Leave this man and listen to your parents. What your experiencing I don't know whether it is love or not but all I can say is a guy can manipulative a young girl very easily they are very naive and trusting. This is where young girls allows themselves to get attach or clingy to something that may not even happen. Please don't make a mistake in thinking i can change him and more if he already has a bad character, your parents have every right to stop you or make you rethink. Either way what ever decision you make iIhope it is good for you.

  7. Was-salamu Aleikum
    My answer is from a general point of view.I am still studying islam for conversion since i was born a catholic.
    Actually, am in the same boat as yours. I am about to get married to an indian muslim man 12 yrs my senior. My case is even worse because am an african. Everyone that has heard about it is trying to discourage me on basis of race and age. We love each other but the these people are getting to me. No one in my family is muslim so i will be the first. My parents have no problem with the man but say that i might be converting for the wrong reasons. I find islam to be an amazing faith and that is my reason for converting. And because of the discourgement, i am afraid that i may be having second thoughts. It hurts me because my hubby-to-be has gone into a shut down mode where he doesn't talk about it anymore. He is not strong in his faith n i would like to grow together with him spiritually. I have prayed about it and i get the feeling that we will get married Insha'Allah and all will be well. Pray for me sisters and brothers that Allah's will may be done in this case.
    I dont agree with those that say u should leave him because you parents say so. At the end of the day you,not them, are going to spend the rest of your life with him. Whatever reasons your parents have for not supporting the marriage, you should take into consideration. Love is just but one thing that fuels the prosperity of a marriage. Being madly in love will go away,then what?? Explain to them what exactly you want from them and the marriage and let them find it in their hearts to support you. Although you should respect thier reasons, the whole decision lies in you. If the reasons are valid, let it cool down, think it through then know what course of action you will take. If you decide to marry him against thier wish, it is all upon you. Be a good muslimah and everything will fall into place.
    You should take time to think through this life-long decision before you do anything.
    As for the age difference,there is nothing wrong with it as long as you understand each other.
    Pray to Allah to guide you. I also pray that both of us will find solutions to our problems.

  8. it wont last, you are still way too young at 19 to think about marriage. do you have a college education? work skills?
    my advise is to let this go and focus on your academic skills.

  9. You are probably married already. Your father will re-father you at some point..perhaps his death. Your mother states she will die if you marry this man. This man....wants you for your youth. He is obsessed with youth. Why is he divorced? This is the big question. And do not take his flattery as soul talk. You must be a woman when you marry, not a romantic little girl. Lust is wonderful. Marriage is very difficult. Especially with already children not from your womb. And what about the mum? Another potential drama to sap your creative juices.
    There are many men, who are in love with youth. When you have changed and improved him...and you feel secure finally that he is your husband...he may very well find another young, seeking beauty such as you. We are a dime a dozen. (I was a young, sought after beauty an older sought after beauty) . Some men don't even realize what their pathology is...for the youth.
    He may end up leaving you with all his debt, his baggage, and your heartbreak. I hope you make him wait at least 5 years to prove himself. THEN make your decision. I honor and bless the goddess within you.....A.

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