Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I deal with my rising anger levels?

domestic violence

Salaam sisters I need your advice,

I got married in February but I am recently having a lot of anger issues in my marriage. I am under so much stress and I am becoming scared of my with my husband is a lot harder than I thought and I sometimes feel like I do everything with no help. I go to work at 7 am (teaching) and then I take night classes until 9 pm and I am very tired when I come home.

I try to be the best wife I can, I clean the house, take out the trash and do the dishes and cook but to be honest sometimes I wish my husband would just help me. 🙁 I told him how I feel and sometimes he helps but only if I ask which I think is wrong...he should try and help out without me asking. Isn't the goal of marriage to help each other out?

Lately he has been sleeping a lot and doing nothing which a few times I have really lost my temper over. I know I should not lose my temper but I am starting to feel like I cannot control it and I hate that this is happening. I pray, I ask Allah swt to guide me and help me with my emotions but it's not helping. I sometimes cry because I feel so family is 4 hours away and I do not want to tell my mom what is going on because she will tell me to leave him...

My stress is also taking a toll on me in other ways: I keep having horrible nightmares. All of this is really scary...please I need some advice. Thank you all in advance.

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6 Responses »

  1. Salam Sis,
    Do you want replies from females only? But nevermind. I'll give one even thou I'm not. I suggest try to go doctor. People who are 24hours angry usually have high blood pressure.

  2. Asalaam alaikum,

    Don't get me started on lazy men....:)

    You need to relax a bit, sister. Take it easy, calm down and try to get some rest. Take care of yourself first and just stop for a moment to clear your head. Take some time, everything is new to you, so breath deeply and exhale. I know it's hard, your married life is only a year old and your husband doesn't know how to be a husband form the get-go, just like you.

    Okay, first things first: How much longer do you have the night classes for? Can you drop them or minimize the amount of them? Can you leave them for the summer break, if possible? It seems that you just have so much on your plate and being a teacher is one of the hardest jobs there is, so you need to assess how you can lighten your load. Something has got to give and it has to start now. You should be able to drop a class without too much of a penalty, but you have to do something so that you can unwind and get rid of the big workload you have right now.

    The biggest part is to sit with your husband and start making some rules. Trash duty is his and if you cook, he need to clean or it's something you both do together completely. Decide who vacuums, sweeps, mops, etc. If you can afford a maid, then hire one. Get those menial tasks delegated as soon as possible. A good maid may only cost you $40-75 to come in once a week and have her on a bi-monthly status or monthly. Your husband has to foot the bill for it. Understand that his parents probably didn't make him do much, but you have to teach him that he bears a role in the household affairs.

    Use Sundays to pre-cook meals for Monday through Thursday. There's only two of you, so here is the secret: when you cook meat, chicken or other meat, make enough of eight. That's gets you completely through till Thursdays. You do this by cooking several chicken breasts in the oven and freezing them to be reheated later on. With enough of them you can have a chicken salad one day, chicken pasta the next, chicken fajitas on another, etc., etc. Mix up some meat and do the same thing. Buy roasts and the most important piece of cookware known to mankind: slow cooker!

    The slow cooker is a gift from God, I believe, because it makes cooking so much easier. You can buy a 8lb meat roast, marinate it overnight, toss it in the slow cooker with a few cups of water on a 'low' setting in the morning and by 5pm, it'll be done for your husband to get it out and eat. The benefit with a good size roast is that you can use the leftover meat in tacos, burritos, bbq sandwiches, etc. It can also provide the next day's lunch for you, as well. Learn to prepare everything on Sunday and cooking will whizz by during the week. Show your husband how to help you and learn together.

    Learn to use the slow cooker properly by testing it out on the weekends, first. Some of the modern ones have timers, so try those. Though an 8lb roast should take about 8 hours. It'll make kitchen duties simple, easy and you'll be the kitchen queen. Peel and chop whatever vegetables you want on Sunday, too. Potatoes, carrots, celery, etc. These can be added into the slow cooker or you can buy frozen pre-cut veggies that you can simply boil in 12 minutes to eat. Same thing with salads, cutting peppers, etc. You can cut and slice a few large bell peppers to last nearly two weeks using them every so often for omelets, other meals and as toppings for pizza. Same thing with sliced mushrooms, broccoli and what not.

    Make Saturday night pizza night or go to visit your family, it's up to you.

    Okay, so we got cooking and cleaning delegated, you'll streamline your work schedule so what's left? Communicating with your husband.

    Don't be afraid to say, "Look, this marriage is about two people: us. We need to be in this together and be a team. I need your help baby, cause I can't do it alone. I need your big strong muscles to move this love train on the right tracks. Choo, choo!" 🙂

    I know it's dumb, but you get the drift. And you guys really need to make time for each other. It's way to early to be losing the sweetness of the honeymoon luster. I always make some references to having your spouse be your massage relief, stress relief and what not.

    I'll include a few posts I have made about this, and it surely applies to how you feel and what and your husband need to work on. Sister Maria and I had a great discussion about lifestyles yesterday, so give it a read. Fine tune it to your situation and don't be afraid to have your husband read some of it to guide you both, just be clear to him that you guys need some marriage guidance as you are newlyweds.

    I know I may have missed something, so Insha'allah, the Sisters here will make up for that. May Allah (swt) guide you gently in your married life. Let us know how things are going.

  3. Salaam sister, as a brother i feel your husband is doing wrong, the basis of any marriage is understanding each other, it dosent take a genius to see that your wife is struggling and is under stress, and he should help you, the solution for you is to talk to him in a kind manner, tell him the stress your under and that you would appreciate some help, harmony in marriage is crucial to a lasting relationship, and you shouldnt be angry with your husband, i would recommend you let out all your emotions when talking to him, cry if thats how you feel, such things will touch him and he will change himself to help you alot more and take the pressure off you.

    Praying helps, dont think it dosent, thats the shaytan playing with you, keep praying and keep faith in Allah, we are always tested in marriage, but our strength and belief in Allah will carry us through the hardest of times, and will bring harmony back inshaAllah.

    Your nightmares are a result of deep thinking and constantly wondering why your in this impossible situation, however by talking and sharing your feelings and emotions with your husband, your worries will be no more, i am sure he will be happy to help you, after all every good husband wants to see his wife happy and not under too much stress.

    Hope it works out for you inshaAllah.

  4. As salamu alaykum, sister,

    Sounds to me that you are the man and the woman all together in your marriage.

    Where is your husband? Why are you doing so much? Do you need to put yourself under so much stress? Does it deserve that you lose your health?

    Sister, slow down, if you can, give up some of your activities not definitely, just until you handle to deal with stress, put some order in your house, sit down with your husband and talk to him about duties and rights of both of you.

    Please, take care of yourself, stress lead us to a lot of health problems and our brother Zain is right, high blood pressure is one of them, when you get too angry, your head becomes plenty of blood, your face and your eyes turn red, .... you don´t want that, stop now that you are still on time, Alhamdulillah.

    I wrote this in other post, but I will copy for you again, please take it into account,

    +++++Good character, protect ourselves from the terrible disease of rage. According to the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, we have six easy ways to safeguard ourselves:
    Be humble in all our actions and speech, and avoid arrogance.
    Always make excuses for others and pardon their mistakes and shortcomings.
    Be optimistic and see the good in things instead of focusing on the faults of others.
    Sincerely seek refuge with Allah when angered (read the tawwudh).
    Immediately make wudhu and pray a Sunnah prayer when angered. Remember that water extinguishes fire.
    If angry and in a discussion, sit down to make your point. If even then you are furious, then lay down. Rest, slow down and make dhikr.
    God has made the acts of controlling one’s anger and pardoning others key characteristics of those who have God-consciousness and piety (taqwa). It is by these characteristics that we are guaranteed Heaven
    “Indeed knowledge comes through studying and learning, and forbearance comes by disciplining oneself.” (Albani’s Authentic Compilation, 2328).
    Forbearance is a characteristic which is perfectly personified by The Merciful Himself. He has inspired us with innate knowledge of our purpose in life and reinforced that with many signs as to His existence and bounties upon us. To top all of that off, He sent us prophets with a message and proof. After all of that, we are ungrateful and persistently disobedient; yet God does not immediately destroy us. Instead He continues to surround us with His bounties and favors and leaves the door wide open for those who would repent. When we go to Him and repent, He will accept us and erase all of our past iniquity. We must do everything we can to embody these divine characteristics, as that is why God reveals them to us. Forbearance is a subdivision of mercy and our Prophet ﷺ said, “God will not be merciful to those who are not merciful with people
    The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has taught us some strategies for dealing with anger. For example, he said:
    “I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: ‘I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan’ then all his anger will go away.” [Al-Bukhari; Vol. 4, No. 502]
    And he said,“Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4766]
    Abu Dharr narrated: The Apostle of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said to us: “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4764]
    In another hadith, the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said: “If one of you becomes angry then he should be silent.”

    +++++There is a relaxation exercise shared by Brother Wael in IslamicSunrays:

    +++++Related to diet, please, low sodium intake, the minimun of salt for the next months, check all the ingredients of what you eat, spice the food with herbs or spices but avoid anything with salt, (soya sauce, ketchup, any industrial sauce, anything on a tin will have salt, check it, please), no stimulants, no coffee, no tea, no sodas, just water, fruit juices or herbal teas with no caffeine, no salty crackers, no packed food or frozen food until you get better, what I hope it will be in a few months.

    +++++If this is not effective as our brother said, go to the doctor to be controlled to avoid bad consequences.

    ......Strong headaches, watching points without any reason, are some signs,...

    Please take care and reconsider what it is really important in your life.

    María Editor

  5. Salaam Sister,

    Marriage is give and take and it a partnership. So if you are working then the work in the house needs to be shared.It is totally unfair that you are going to work and you are coming home and doing everything. Therefore I suggest you sit down and talk to your husband first. Please try and find out if there is something bothering your husband, has your husband always been like this.

    It is very important to lay down ground rules otherwise you could be left feeling that you are being taken for granted and the other person may not think or realise that anything is wrong.Ask yourself this are you in some way to blame.Do you run to do everything, are you a perfectionist?Has your husband ever offered to do something and you have not allowed him to do it. If so you need to have a re-think if not then as I have said you need to lay down ground rules otherwise you are going to end up in a worse situation.

    So divide jobs or find out what your husband is good at and let him handle that side. If he is a good cook, if so he can do some cooking.Would he be able to do the shopping,or would he be able to handle the laundary, or do a general tidy up around the place.

    If he cannot or will not can you get someone to come in to do your cleaning for you and deal with your laundry.Can you do your shopping on online. Can you cook at the weekend and then freeze your food for the week.Many people who work have to adjust there domestic duties this way.

    As for yourself there is no harm in getting your blood pressure checked,but I personally do not think you have a problem there. You are just frustrated at having to do everything and that is why you are angry.I do however suggest some form of exercise or recreational pursuit that will help you get rid of the pent up aggression and anxiety. I do suggest drinking camomile tea which is good for the nerves and taking a B vitamin supplement.Again this is good for the nerves.

    Finally there is nothing better then namaz and reading Quaran.Do this on a regular basis and start your day by reading surah Yasin.Inshallah you will have a good day and everything will go well.

    Take care.

    Allah Hafiz.

    P.s. you say you teach and study,can you make up two lists of how you can cut your workload here or get others to help you.

  6. Assalam Alaikum Sister
    Do I know how you feel???woww. I am in the same situation. We've been married almost 3 years (in March). My husband moved to USA, and since that time no job, but he does not seem to be eager in finding one..... I work 2 jobs and going to school to advance my nursing. Like your husband, he does not help.....all he does is watch movies the whole night, and sleeps a half of the between watches either porn movies or explicit pictures and we know what comes with it. I tried to help him by blocking it to avoid temptation, he always finds a way. I am sure this happens at least once a week. We argue too much lately.....and its all about not helping me with anything around the house (occasionally, he will cook something), I have to ask him to do some things which never happens....he is so involved with the computer that he does not know what day of the week it is. I do not mind to support him while he is trying to get a job, I know the job market is not too good, but I need some help in return.....I need to know that I can trust him when he is home alone and that things will be done. The last argument we had, which was today, he hit me so hard, I felt something crack in my jaw. It hurts and it is hard to chew, but InshaAllah tomorrow the pain will go away. I do not have any relatives around, and I feel ashamed to talk about this. I will forgive him........the thing is he is in the other bedroom now, and whenever something like this happens he threatens that when he gets a job he will leave......Allah knows the best, I know but I am like you very stressed, want to scream and cry.
    I wish you all the best, and all will be good InshaAllah
    Allah Hafidh

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