Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I forget her?

Assalamu alaykum brothers and sisters

My name is Abdullah. I belong to India and currently working as a professional from past one year. I belong to such a very religious muslim family. My ammi ,abbu, aapi and I always pray to Allah 5 times daily . I really believe only in Allah SWT and totally rely on him. I always try to apply all the teachings of  our beloved prophet Muhammad PBUH. My Ammi and abbu has carried out religious teachings.

Last year in my office I met a girl. She was a muslima having all the religious base as I am having. As I got knowing her initially, I fall in love with her . Initially we were good friends. But after realizing that I love her a lot . I stopped myself with indulging in any kind of activity as it is haram in Islam. I stopped myself to talk to her and started loving all alone. I always cried and prayed to Allah to get a glimpse of her. To see her with his will only. In the grievance of this I committed a mistake as I just gave some gift things to her. I put the things to her desk . I tried to hide my identity . She was unknown of me. But once she got to know about all these she started hating me. She even don't want to take my name. I know without knowing right or wrong I committed mistake. But it's now so long I always see her once twice a day. It always hurts. I really love her as I love my ammi abbu and aapi. I really love Allah the most. And I really wish to get her as a part of my lovely family. I know all these feeling to love someone is haram and I committed. I always pray to Allah with so much repentance but my love for her is not getting weaker. Its as it is. And I know I ruined everything by committing a mistake what I did to her.

I really seek refuge of Allah .. I am really depressed and getting weaker and weaker inside. Please guide me to get out of the pain and to forget her. Please suggest some dua which I can adequately recite and forget her.


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21 Responses »

  1. Lol bro. Firstly, it's not love, love comes from knowing one another and spending considerable time. This is just infatuation and something you're allowing to build up within you. Secondly, she is hating on you because you gave her some gifts anonymously?That's really dumb.
    But here goes, if you really like her, do istikharah first, if it comes out positive, go up to her and tell her you have good intentions, and you want to marry her, so she may do istikharah too. You must do all this with self-confidence though, you are sounding very wimpy and helpless in your post. Girls like confidence. After all, you're going to be her guardian for the rest of her life. If she says yes, go tell your parents about it, and let her know that you would like your family to visit her and seek for her hand, officially.
    However, if she still says no, move on, man. To be honest, she never was yours to begin with. And about getting hurt, this is also something I know, no matter what i say, it's natural, and i may feel the same too. But that does not mean we cannot change it. We can. As i said, build up some self-esteem, be more pro-active at work, engage with people (not what we call 'mangni.) Interact. And consider her to be a non-entity.

    I guarantee you a hundred percent when she sees you laughing and talking to someone, she is the one who is going to feel the pinch! However, if you're going to be this quiet little guy in the corner who can't see anyone in the eye, she's just going to despise you and continue to look at you with pity. And cheer up, brother, a Muslim man does not have a heart so weak to be flayed by just about anyone. Keep it for the most special and closest people in your life. Take it as a lesson why Allah prohibits us from attaching the heart too much to dunya. For you, it was about a girl who never was yours, for others, including me, it has been worse. So do shukr, consider it a lesson and get over it.

    It is a bit of an effort but the rewards will continue to pay off, all your life, inshaAllah.

    • Good reply Saad. Covers all bases, religious and worldly.

    • By reading this i don't know what to say as some boys love, suffer and feels pain because of that true love and on the other hand there are some who make others to suffer again because of fake love.
      ALLAH will help us all and may we all come out of this pain soon.Ameen

      • Fiza, it never really is about boy or girl. It just is about the person. I never really post on here much, but when i see cases like these, I feel I can do my little bit to help someone, because I have been there too. I can relate to him except it was two-way, lol, and it lasted a while, so the attachment was deep, but eventually it was haraam and lessons were learnt. Then i got attached to a sheikh and started getting my heart purified of love for dunya. A long way to go still, but alhamdulillah, much better than before. Sometimes, Allah puts us in situations only to bring us closer to Him. SubhanAllah, His decisions are beyond our comprehension.

    • What do you mean by doing istikhara and "it comes out positive"????

      • I mean the sign in the dream to go ahead with the proposal is positive. Hope you know about Istikharah.

        • Istikhara does not result in "signs in dreams". That is pure magic and superstition.

          • Oh, come on. What sect do you belong to now? Last thing I want is an argument on aqeedah, here. Anyway, I am not completely sure if you are refuting Istikharah altogether or just have a problem with my explanation. In any case, denying istikharah is like denying the existence of the sun (being a precious star yourself), please educate yourself more on the subject.

        • Assalam alaikum,

          I think the dispute isn't about the existence of Isthikhara, but more how to percieve the result of it as we cannot deny that many people do perform Isthikhara either the wrong way themselves or ask someone to do it for them (wrong as well). Please read:

          http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/

          "Getting a Dream After Istikhara?

          It is not necessary that you get a dream or even a "feeling". Rather, the istikhara is a prayer that Allah guide you towards that which is best (khayr) for you. If you do the prayer of guidance (istikhara) with the proper manners, the most important of which is to truly consign the matter to Allah and suspend your own inclinations, then Allah will make events unfold in the direction that is the best for your worldly and next-worldly affairs.

          In general, when it is not possible to perform the istikhara prayer itself (such as when one is out on the road, or in one's menstrual period), it is recommended to simply read the dua itself. [Radd al-Muhtar]

          The istikhara prayer may be made for a specific matter or be made for a general seeking of all that is best. Some scholars, including Imam Abd al-Wahhab al-Sha`rani and Ibn `Arafah before him saw this kind of (specific) istikhara prayer as being superior.

          Others, including Shaykh Ibn al-Arabi, recommended performing a general istikhara prayer for all that is good every day, ideally at the time of the Duha prayer (after sunrise)."

        • I am not denying Istikhara, I am saying that it does not result in a psychic message from God while you are sleeping and dreaming. Istikhara is a prayer for guidance.

          • Well, so you need to be more careful with your words. If someone is advised to do something, it is a given that he is supposed to do it in the correct way. I implied it to be a guidance too. You assumed it to be psychic, superstituous and what not. However, you do sound like you are undermining the significance of this great Sunnah. And i do not understand why it is a problem with you if someone is recommended to do istikharah before marriage, unless you have proof for it. Au contraire, there is abundant evidence that elucidates its validity from Sunnah of Rasoolullah (saw) and the glorious companions. Do not become a 'mulhid' in your quest to fight the deviations in religion. Salaamualaikum.

      • Brother Sa'ad Ahmed, I think because Precious Star's reply was very short, you misunderstood her.

        First of all, the Istikhara prayer is an important Sunnah and a meritorious act. Everyone agrees on that.

        However, there are a lot of misconceptions about Istikhara. Some people think it is based on mothers' names and birth dates. That is superstition that comes from Hindu numerology. Other people think that Istikhara must result in a dream, and that one should decipher the dream for "signs" or "clues". These people often look to the colors of objects seen in the dream. Often they ask others to pray Istikhara for them, or even pay them to do so. There even some websites where you enter names and birth dates in a form, submit a payment and wait for them to do your Istikhara.

        All of this is bid'ah. Istikhara is not based on names, dates, dreams, signs in dreams, or colors in dreams. There is no such thing as Istikhara "coming out positive" or "coming out negative".

        In Istikhara we call for Allah's blessings. We ask Him (I'm paraphrasing), if You know that this thing is good for me in my dunya and aakhirah then bring it to me, and i it is bad for me then keep it away from me. Wherever the good lies for me, ordain it for me and make me happy with it.

        Does this prayer say anything about a sign or a dream? No. It asks Allah to bring about the good, ordain it and make us happy with it.

        The correct way is to pray Istikhara, then make the best decision you can, and TRUST that Allah is guiding you to what is good. Trust that Allah has ordained the good for you, just as you asked for.

        Istikhara is a DUA. Wen we make dua' for good in the dunya and aakhirah, or to be one of the people of Jannah, or for blessings on the Prophet (sws), do we begin studying our dreams for signs? No, of course not.

        Again, trust is the key. Pray istikhara and trust Allah to ordain or decree what is good. If it is ordained then it will inevitably happen. Tawkkul lies in trusting Allah's intentions.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Assalaamualaikum, Wael. Nice to hear from you and hope you're keeping well.
          Back to the subject, actually I am from the subcontinent, so I know plenty about all the innovations that are happening in every aspect of religion. And I am in full agreement with your explanation of istikharah, indeed that is the truth, there should not be any certain anticipation of a visual dream pertaining to the matter. But we cannot completely deny it either. Some people, do get direct guidance also, but that is based on their level of Iman and Taqwa, not to say I have a high level of it, but Allah did bless a sinner like me with a direct guidance of such sort in one of the matters I did istikharah for. Afterall, dream is the 46th part of Nubuwwah, and we know of many incidents of our pious precedessors, where Allah showed them signs in their dreams. With laymen, and in general, advising people, we use a simplistic language, the entire Qur'an has been translated in that fashion in Mariful Qur'an.
          And Precious Star, I think your efforts are very noble in correcting people and bringing them to the true Islamic beliefs, but do not let Shaytaan take control, because as much as innovation is a sin, so is ilhaad, and that is what is very prevalent nowadays. Extreme belief leads to innovation, extreme rejection leads to disbelief. And deen is moderation, the middle path. Do not try and be in ambush the next time someone says something which you know too, is not really implied. And always keep your intentions under accountability, as to why are you really doing what you are doing. Nowadays, the (non-scholarly) people fighting innovation need the most guidance over correcting their niyyah, because it seems it is to satisfy their ego and prove how enlightened they are, while the rest of the world is still in jahiliyyah. This is an advice to myself too, saying it reminds me i need it too.

          • Perhaps you both misunderstood each other, but the word "ilhaad/mulhid" is very huge regardless.

          • @Sa'ad Ahmed

            Nowadays, the (non-scholarly) people fighting innovation need the most guidance over correcting their niyyah, because it seems it is to satisfy their ego and prove how enlightened they are, while the rest of the world is still in jahiliyyah

            Bravo, nailed it!!!.......Well said,100% agree.

          • Assalamu alaikum everyone.

            Brother Wael, Brother Issah, and Brother Sa'ad Ahmed, please give me insight on one thing. I did istikhara on something April 15, 2013. And I thought Allah gave me the sign to close the door on that subject, so I did. But it's been so long and I'm not at peace and I find that maybe I made a mistake. Every minute of the day my heart yearns for what I closed the door too. If one makes istikhara and goes away from it, if the doors are closed to it, then shouldn't Allah put peace in that person's heart?

          • Wa 'alaikum as-Salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh sister lisa,

            If the thing is halal and you think you still want it, then go and pursue it if it's still there.

  2. i don't think you did anything wrong, expressing and proposing someone is halal in islam. I don't know why would anyone would be hurt by that, i think it would had been wiser if you just didn't try to hide your identity and were more upfront. I probably say you take her out to coffee shop and express your genuine feeling to her regarding marriage, that way she can find out what your intentions are.

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    Honestly Brother, the attachment and feelings that you have, are extremely intense, but shouldn't change how you rely on Allah swt. We all say that we believe and rely on Allah swt, but obviously this statement will be tested--you are being tested. So, with the powerful feelings that you have, you must not let them get in the way of your thinking. Perhaps this is a lesson to be learnt before marriage for you and to make sure that you always keep Allah swt above everything in your life. Now is the time for you to seek refuge in the remembrance of Allah and move on - as stated above by Br. Sa'ad. No need to feel sad and strange around her - what happened, happened and could have been a lot worse.

    I do suggest to not give anonymous gifts as you did because maybe she felt that it was ruining her image - perhaps in the country that you live in, this would lead to gossip about affairs that she may have had to feel the brunt of (just speculating). If you happend to like a girl - basically take steps to send a marriage proposal and involve family so that you remain objective.

    While your feelings were not haram - it would be haram to act on those feelings as they would lead to relations outside of marriage.

    Again, move on, be happy, relying on Allah swt is the only way to 'forget' her and don't be so hard on yourself!

  4. You are not in love with her, you are in love with the idea of her. You have a crush.

    Try to get a transfer to an other department or job. Eventually, you will forget about her.

    It also appears that she is not interested in you so please stop focusing on her. You will only hurt yourself.

  5. Love is all about taking care of someone in following possible ways.

    (1). Basic Love is about taking care of someone with kindness. It is about helping someone in deep trouble. It is about listening to someone problems with great care and attention.

    (2) A bit greater Love is when we take care of someone over life time like our parents, our spouses and children. It is also taking care of your employees and friends during your job time.

    (3) The most greatest form of love is to take care of someone without the expectance of reward. It also involves sacrificing your opportunity for some greater good of others. Praying for your muslim sister and brother with extreme devotion is also this form of love. The reward of such devoted love will only come from our dear Lord Himself and no one has any idea of what that reward might be.

    Now about your case. You feel hurt because you are unable to convert your romantic feelings into some solid kind of relationship. That inablity forces you to look for alternatives like trying to forget her etc. But that is just running away from the problem and not solving it. You must undo the damage done by your previous actions. Then re-establish basic love again leading to the lifelong love.

    If all else fail unfortunately then stick to type-3. In the end you must earn love in a pure and Halal way.

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