Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I forgive my parents after this?

Emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail.

Assalamaleikum,

I have this question and I would really like to know the right thing to do.

My parents lied to me, to get to leave this guy, we really used to like each other and he was going to tell his parents about us.

They played it out like my dad was really sick and that made me leave him, I told him I dont want a life without their blessings and I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to him because of me.

A few months after, I found out that he just had a cholesterol problem, and it's nothing serious like he made it out to be.

I kept my word, I stayed away from that guy but now I can't help but feel betrayed, I have forgiven them but not fully, I just can't seem to get over the fact that I let a good thing slip away because I was lied to, the guy and I really liked each other and I still think we do like each other.

I know that if we are meant to be, its Qadr and it will happen, but I really can't let go of what my parents did. I try to fulfill all my duties as a daughter but I still feel disappointed in them, my dad did that because he was of another tribe and my mom did worse, she asked a seer about him and I, if we were compatible enough and all (I know that's shirk) and the seer said otherwise - I found out about all this later...

I know Allah has asked us to pardon our parents and ask for their forgiveness, which I do but I don't know how to move past this. I really like the guy but I know everything is beyond repair now.

Azzmaira

 

 

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7 Responses »

  1. I understand how you feel and I get it. If that guy is still interested in you and marriage marry him because at the end of the day your parents are not going to live forever. You can be honest and explain to him the reason why all this happen if he still the ONE go for it. You deserve to be happy and if you was my daughter I would have given you my blessing. My parents go on about respect izzats everything in the end I never got what I wanted because in life I didn't make choices for myself dont make the same mistakes as me. You cannot keep pleasing your parents in the end your happiness comes first. As long as you know what you want grab it before its too late. Your parents did wrong and I hope within time you find someone who makes you happy inshAllah.

  2. Salaam sis,

    In the name of Allah, we should always forgive especially when it comes to our parents. What if you did not listen to your parents and you went ahead then down the road, realize that you made a big mistakes by staying with the guy, you will still feel guilty for the fact that you did not listen to your parents. I believe that if Allah wanted it to happen that way, you would still be with that guy...I think that you should 100% forgive your parents and always believe in your life that Allah puts your parents on your way for this to happen.. Do you need to believe in the Almighty and forgive and when you truly find the right man for you, you will then realize that your parents were right all along. When you forgive you forgive totally not half. Pray, have faith and love your parents and you will soon see the reward of Allah and one day inshAllah, you will remember this email that I sent you. Don't let NO one tells you otherwise. Forgive!!! and you are were Allah wanted you to be where you are right now no matter how painful it is.

    May Allah be with you!!

    • Is it Islamic to go and see a Seer or lie to your children because you don't want to accept someone from another tribe for your child? Or should children accept it when their parents go to a fortune teller?

    • So why do these parents lie ? How can you really know they care about you if they lie? Is this what Allah says that we must lie to our family to deceive them? Should we all then lie to our husband, wives, mothers and children too? I do not believe what you say is right, what if the parents are evil? This is why no one is happy and loving.

  3. Salam sister,

    I empathize with you! Similar thing happened to me, so I know its hard to get tricked by your own parents. How can you trust them again?

    You dont have to trust your parents, but you do need to forgive them. Whatever they did was for the best reasons (in their opinion), although your mother was wrong to ask a seer. You dont have to keep punishing them for their faults, while you can forgive and get extra sawab.

    If the boy was meant to be yours, he will inshAllah come back into your life by other means. You can ask your parents to reconsider while you pray istikhara, and mention lightly that this is the only valid means of obtaining a clear opinion from Allah swt regarding your future (instead of fortune tellers).

    And if the boy doesnt come back, then do not think about it for long. It will only hurt your heart. Remember the umah is very very large. Pray to Allah to bring another man into your life in a halal way. Allah swt always ansers prayers.

    Hope I helped,
    Shereen

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    If your parents were not so influenced by culture, it would make it easier for you to forgive. But forgiving someone isn't about how easy it is to forgive. Sometimes people do really horrible things and forgiving them seems like an impossible thing to do or that forgiveness for them would never be acceptable or they didn't feel remorseful enough about it--so for you, you have to decide what forgiving your parents would mean to you. Forgiving you parents may allow you to understand that they are just humans, with faults and when they became parents, they didn't become sinless and they didn't become superhumans either. I think you should forgive them, even if it hurts and even if you don't think they deserve it because you have to realize that they are just humans.

    Now, is this boy still interested in marrying you? Your parents are wrong to reject him due to tribal reasons or because someone told them that the marriage wouldn't work out (like Hindus do)--so if in the case that the boy still wants to marry you--he and an Imam should come speak to your parents regarding the proposal.

    If everything is damaged beyond repair, I still think you should get an Imam to speak to your parents regarding your marriage to let them know what your rights are and what is Islamically correct in marrying one's children. It is extremely concerning because if they are putting cultural reasons above Islamic reasons, they will not stop other practices that will not put your Islamic rights first.

    Don't feel so let down. Unfortunately, many many girls go through what you are going through and sometimes worse. Rather than never letting go of the hurt and baggage of what has happened, it is better to forgive and now change your game plan in terms of how you are going to handle the future. It is important to not become a victim, but rather exercise your Islamic rights by still respecting and loving your parents. That might not create a peaceful situation always, but it's achievable and better than just being run over by traditional unIslamic practices.

    May Allah swt ease your problems, Ameen.

  5. you know my father never looked for our proposal, he watches tv and sleep. and if someone from family tries to do something he says to drop the call and abuses them afterwards.
    on the other hand my elder sister is so controlling she control our every move like God do!
    i m living in hell and what are you telling is nothing as compared to my case.
    so forget it and if he comes back take a stand its all i can say.

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