Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I get my husband to love me

no love, marriage without sex or intimacy

I've been married for 7 months now and I am 21 my husband is 31 and he came to ask for my hand twice and the second time I agreed. While we were engaged he was in love with me and said dont change. I haven't changed at all but he begun to change after his mom got involved with us he changed 100 percent.

Now what he does is ignore my calls texts and me if I'm talking to him. If I talk to him the only answer I get is, I dont know. I want this relationship to work but he doesnt talk to me, he doesnt treat me as a wife and when he starts to get close to me he changes but I don't know why he does this or whats going on in my head and I am scared he wants to divorce me.

He also hurts me not physically but mentally and the things he says really does hurt because its from the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. What can I do any advice helps.

thank you,

Nawal

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30 Responses »

  1. Sister Nawal

    All marriages have ups and downs and I'm pretty much sure you aware that marriage isn't a bed of roses. It requires both you and your partner to work at it.

    Youv'e mentioned that you are scared he wants to divorce you: What makes you think this? Is it just his behaviour or has he mentioned this to you?

    If you question him about something and the next time he says I don't know then tell him: You are my husband and your opinion matters to me the most. When you say he doesn't treat me as a wife, what exactly do you mean by this? If he gets close to you, he changes- Does he change his mind? Did you question him about this?

    Sister, I urge you to speak to him about how you feel, how his comments hurt and upset you. Keeping quiet isn't going to make things better. Maybe he isn't even aware of how you feel. Tell him how scared you feel in this marriage. I don't know how understanding your husband is or whether he would listen to you but if you think he wouldn't pay attention, then write him a letter. Point out each and everything that's hurting you.

    You mentioned that you want this relationship to work- Then start today.
    You want to spend the rest of your life with this person then don't be afraid to pour out your feelings to him.

    Rumaysa

  2. the BEST advice possible on the face of this world which is CERTAIN to work&attain you your husbands love, IS FOR YOU TO RECTIFY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ALLAAH, AND ALLAAH WILL RECTIFY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PEOPLE.
    simple.

    learn about Allaah, his beautifull names&lofty attributes.and ask him to guide you to the correct 'aqeedah.

    al a'maalu min jinsil 'amal

  3. Assalam Alekum Nawal,

    The best advice I for one can offer you is to sit down and talk together with your husband. Tell him some things are bothering you and you were wondering if he could make some time to sit with you. Tell him exactly how you are feeling, hold nothing back. Also, ask him if there are some things that you have done to make him unresponsive as he is. Let him know the effect it is having on you. Quite often, we don't talk as much as we should with our spouses and little things get bottled up.

    The simple effort of a conversation by both you and your husband can in fact work wonders. Do not include anyone else in your discussion...just the two of you. Inshallah, may you both end your meeting with understanding and a new way forward for the both of you.

    Salam 🙂

  4. salaamu 'alaykum.

    this maybe a strange question, but why do you fee lthe need that he must "love" you?
    if he prays [which i hope he does], provides for you, and fullfilles your desire, then what else can a woman ask for?
    why is it that women feel the need to be complimented on how they look,smell, why do they feel the need to be smiled at, hugged, kissed, held alot of the time.

    please explain to me as i dont understand this aspect about women and think i will have real problems when i marry inshaallaah.
    i think i would have problems with a woman who requires to bee kissed/hugged/smiled at/talked to nicely. all the time as i am not the type of person for such things.
    WALLAAHI, THE ONLY WOMAN ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH WHOM I PLAN TO KISS,HUGG,SMILE AT, SPEAK KINDLY TO, IS THE ONE WHO HELD ME IN HER WOMB FOR NINE MONTHS, BREASTFED ME FOR TWO YEARS, AND NURTURED ME FOR 18 YEARS.
    EVEN THOUGH I AM A PROPER MAN AT AGE 18, MY MOTHER WORRIES ABOUT ME LIKE MAD..she always went out of her way to make us happy, and most of all, she brought us up with faith, salaah, Qur'aan etc.
    THIS IS THE ONLY WOMAN WHOM I PLAN TO TREASURE IN EVERYWAY AS ALLAAH COMMANDED.

    and not some random young girl whom i only married because marraige is an obligation, whom i married for the purpose of protecting my chastity, whom i married only to have children.

    because the average man, as long as his wife has iimaan and fullfilles his desire anytime he wants, then thats all he would need from her.she could be moody all day if she wants [eventhough it is haraam for a woman to even frown at her husband].

    so if a muslimah has a husband who has faith, works for her, and fullfills her desire, THEN WHAT ELSE COULD SHE POSSIBLY WANT.
    even if he doesnt speak to her nicely, look at her throughout the whole day.

    • Abu Az-Zubayr

      Marriage isn't just about fulfiling each others sexual desires It's a union of two people. Two people who would share a very close bond: who would look after each other when they are sick, confide in each other, comfort each other in times of sadness etc.

      A wife would look after your children, cook, clean, care for you as well (just a few to mention)...as your mother did. You cannot replace motherly love with anyone but how can you say that you won't fall in love with a women that does as much as your mother did? We never forget what our mother's did for us but when we enter into a marriage contract, our whole lives are changed. We have a new person to love and honour because now we would be living with a new partner who would care just as much as your mum cared for you.

      In general women are alot more "romantic" than men. Romantic in the sense that they like to be hugged, kissed etc all the time. They feel this as a way being closer to their husband. The reason for this is mainly the differences in childhood experiences of both girls and boys.

      Girls are introduced to childhood fantasies: for example fairy tales like Cinderalla, Sleeping beauty, Barbie and the prince ( romantic fairy tales). They have make-believe weddings with dolls. Their imaginations are filled with romance.

      Meanwhile boys are introduced to games such as cricket, football, cowboys, toy guns.

      Later a typical girl in her teenage years will spend time day dreaming about marriage - definetly not boys!

      Then the girl and boy gets married: both enter the marriage with different expectations.

      The husband feels that sex is a way of fulfiling his desire and the wife on the other hand wants more than just that because this is the femine and psycological nature of women to feel loved, appreciated and wanted not just in bed.

      For a marriage to be succesful both partners should understand each other and a man should understand a womens way of thinking. He should compliment her all the time: because lot's of women suffer from negative body image especially after giving birth. A good compliment would still make her feel beautiful and special.

      He should make her feel loved so she doesn't think the worst of their relationship.

      "even if he doesnt speak to her nicely"- brother I doubt any women would accept this. Respect for your mother, respect for you wife. Respect is also what makes you a good muslim

      Rumaysa

      • Salaamu'alaykum everybod

        Rumaysaa

        thank you for trying your best to explain.

        but i fail to see how a wife can do for you even a drop in the ocean compared to mother as you said in second paragraph.
        especially a mother who.....
        i understand what you mean to say and the sacrifice a woman goes through for her husband,
        and that certain places of her body completely change for the negitive after giving birth to her husbands child whilst he doesnt change& feel any pain.
        but sister....we have got to put people in their correct places.any man who pays more attention to his wife more than his mother or who appreciates his wife more than his mother is twisted.

        and also, this aspect of women where they feel the need to be loved/held/kissed all the time, wallaahi it has made many women in this world suffer.
        millions after millions of women complain about how frustrated they become when their husbands dont give them this.because the man cannot keep this up.and then the husband will also see the consequences as the woman will not give him what he wants.

        i certainly do not have it in me to do so and so for a woman frequently.
        thats why i think i will have problems,

        i just hope to meet a strong woman inshaallaah, who is able to cover aaaaaaaaaall her feelings under the moon.

        • Abu Az-Zubayr,

          Perhaps you should consider marrying a Robot. I think you should be able to purchase one from the internet.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • 'Alaykum salaam to you too.

            sister, i appreciate your comment.

            but have you read about the stories of the hardships that many of the sahaabiyaat used to face at the hands of their husbands such as Asmaa Bint As-Siddiiq, and how she [may Allaah be pleased her] used to patient with Az-Zubay ibnAl 'awaam[ may Allaah be pleased with him].

            Az-Zubayr whom Allaah is pleased with was one of the 10 gruaranteed jannah whilst on earth, the neighbour of the prophet [saww] in jannah, and also the one of the harshest men to walk the earth ever.
            and the way he would treat his 2 wives[ra], and how they [ra] would be pateint over it is absolutely flabbergasting/amazing/inspiring.
            and this is just one example.

            please read such stories, then you'll know im not dreaming when i say there are some women who are rock solid,strong,patient than any man can ever be.

        • Abu Az-Zubayr,

          My brother...it sounds like you have an amazing mother who has been good to you and your siblings. It appears that she raised you and taught you well. May Allah bless her for all the kindness she has bestowed upon you.

          I believe, one day when you are blessed with a life companion...you are going to eat your words. God willing, Allah will bless you with a beautiful and pious woman who will rock your world. God willing you will be able to love her, cherish her and tell her she is beautiful even when she's wearing a t-shirt and jeans and she's just cleaned the entire house. Love is a powerful thing and even though right now you think the way you do..."she" is going to open your eyes to what love can do.

          You see the love you have for your mother? Well, that is the love God willing that your children will have for their mother...your wife. What you don't believe you will be capable of, you will be. Love changes everything.

          Salam

          • Asalaam Najah, what truly inspirational words and so powerful too. Your comment put him to rest ..lol ..I must admit that I got angry whilst reading the comment from Abu Az zubayr. His ideology is so profoundly obscured its deafening. I think he forgot that his mother is a woman and a wife too and I bet he hasn't asked his mother what the ideal marraige for her is. He is so young and already thinks woman are the enemy. HE FORGETS he.may be the father to girls who may marry someone with his idealogy. How sad wouldn't that be?

          • Asalaamu alaykum ...love changes all...the love u have for ur mother nd the love u have for your wife is completely different don't compare or confuse the two....

      • Sooo true Jo b aapna lekha jaisa kiss na maire sarai dil me batai lekhe . I love my hubby he also love me . par sirf pyar sa kaam you nhi chalta maira hubby hamsha aapne ghar walo ke baat manta hai Jo WO bola wohe karna hai .maire kabi b koi baat kya care nhi karta .tho hai ghar walo kya b sunna hota hai par mai b tou uske biwi ho.kabi khud b stand laina hota hum couple hokya b aapne marze sa aapne life nhi jee sakta plz suggest me what can I do

      • As salaam.

        Dear brother.

        Do not abandon your mother but do not abandon your wife. They both deserve utmost love and there is no need for comparison.

        "The best of you are those who are best to their wives"

    • Abu Az-Zubayr,

      Normally I would have deleted a comment like yours, but I allowed it because you are young and maybe there is a chance you can be educated Insha'Allah.

      You ask why women need to be loved, hugged, kissed, etc. The answer is simple: because that's how Allah made them, so you should respect that reality, and accept it. And that is the nature of marriage in Islam, that the husband and wife cherish each other, treat each other kindly, and be soft with each other.

      Allah says:

      "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. (30:21)"

      So when you say that the only woman Allah commanded you to treasure is your mother, you are wrong. Allah also commanded you to treasure your wife.

      The Prophet Muhammad (sws) also said, "The most perfect of the believers is the best of you in character, and the best of you are those among you who are best to their wives." (At-Tirmidhi)

      Can you imagine, that you marry a good Muslim woman who prays and fasts, and raises your children, and sticks by you when times are hard, and is patient with you when you are angry or upset, and you think she is just "some random Muslim girl" who is only good for sexual pleasure, and has no emotional needs?

      I don't know why you have so little respect for women, and so little understanding of them, but it's sad. You seem to think that only your mother is worthy of love and kindness, but if you get married and have children, then your wife is also a mother, right? Why does she deserve any less? The Messenger of Allah (sws) said, "Paradise is beneath the feet of the mothers." This is true for all mothers, not only yours.

      I gurantee you that if you go into a marriage with this mindset, your marriage will be never ending misery, and will end in divorce.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • shukran.

        eventhough i think i am the last person to become "miserable" at the hands of a woman who i married.
        i get the message.

        • did you ever stop for one moment to ask yourself this. What would your own mother have felt if your father said the same words you are saying now? you say you will treat your wife in all those ways that you mentioned above, but you forgot that your own mother is also a wife, and if you think wives should be treated that way, then i suppose you except your father to treat your mother the way you will treat your future wife. From your words, your mother as wife does not deserve to be hugged and kissed and told she is beautiful and looked at all day by your father, her husband. your wife will be a mother too someday, and she will be on the same pedestal your mother is on. something to think about akhi. salam

      • Dear Wael Sir,

        Asalam Alaikum,

        I am crying right now while writing this and i am writing this on behalf of all those women who have gone through husband negligence,living with fear of divorce from husband,hurtful words from husband ,verbal , emotional abuse etc. I empathize with all of them.This man Abu Az zubayr has written something which hurt all women.I am deeply hurt after reading it. Please its my humble request not to publish such posts.I want a reply from your end.

    • Your comment is really disturbing. marriage is NOT an obligation if you will perform it to hurt someone. First why cant you love someone who plans to spend the rest of her life with you, devotes her future to you, cares for you, is there for everything and anything you need, and performs the most intimate and private acts of love with you.
      Just think of it this way would you have sex with your mother? No, and there is a reason for it.
      I dont think you even understand the concept of marriage, or love from an Islamic point it is not a mere obligation that is based on pure act, there is feelings with.
      If your heart is so dark, so shielded, so unable to care where you dont even think its wrong not to love your wife, and are unable to understand it...then please dont destroy a young girls life, and do not get married.
      Live as you want with your mother for the rest of your life, and you wont be sinned, its better then to get married and spent it sinning everyday by hurting your wife and failing as a husband to her.

    • @ Abu-az-zubayr,

      I think people like you should never marry in their life.Dont spoil a woman's life by marrying her.Dont fulfil this obligation.No body wants to marry a man like you.You are a burden on this earth.Its better if you live alone with your mother who gave birth to you and breastfeded you.Its a big advice from my side on this forum dont ever marry this excuse of a man.

      • I agree with all of my sisters who disagreed with Mr.Abu-az-zubayr. He sounds like a typical saudi who have absolutely no respect whatsoever of a woman's feelings.

        Go and read up Prophets SAW conduct with his wives.Seriously,your attitude is a disgrace to every muslim man who dearly loves his wife.

        Alhamdulliah,men like you represent a small,insignificant minority on this earth.

        P.S This is coming from a man.

    • First of all a woman is not an object that you just place in the home and expect her to care for you emotionally but not care for her in the same respect. A woman is like a flower and she needs many things in order to bloom. Not only sunlight, she will burn up. Not only water, she will drown. Not only soil. She needs a combination of things in order to thrive. And be the most beautiful flower she can be. As for your mother being the only one to whom you want to share your affection, that is very unjust to your future wife, because she is a woman as we'll and all woman are mothers and deserve the affection of a true husband who will care enough to shower her with affection so she may pass it on to her children as we'll and let the cycle continue from there. From what I see you are still young and have a long way to go to really understand how a loving relationship should be. A marriage should be a friendship. So you can work together to build the life you want together as a team. Not one is better than the other. I am a Muslim and I do believe that a man and a woman are equal. I believe woman should be treated with respect. I respect and appreciate your view point. I am only trying to help you see things a little differently from the other side of the spectacle. A woman is not an object. And no man should ever Mary some random girl just to bring him children you should have a little wisdom and take your time to fall in love and argue and make up to get to know who you want to mate with and spend the rest of your life with, so you make each other happy that you may make your offspring happy as well. I pray that you may learn to see a reward in making her smile. In complimenting her sent. Woman deserves to be treated like the queen she is. After all she is the one With your best interest at heart. She's the one who has devoted her life to you. How could you betray her love by giving her anything but your best. I'm asking you gentle men out ther to please cherish your woman's love before you loose it to your own arrogant foolishness because. You want your mother to be loved please learn how to truly love your woman.ya allah

  5. You should love that woman the same as you love your mother, why should you not respect her the same way if she is to do the same things with YOUR children. Surely she earns your respect then?

  6. Asalamualaikum wr wb,

    shame on men who think they can treat women like they have no emotions....

  7. Salam dear brothers and sisters

    Judging by what Rasulullah (pbuh) said in the hadeeth regarding being good to one's wife, then parents who fail to educate their son to be good to his wife would have failed miserably in their duty as muslim parents. Look how well Rasulullah (pbuh) treated his wives. He loved Aishah deeply and treated her so well although she never bore him any children, so please don't treat women as though they are reproductive machines. Rasulullah (pbuh) raced with Aishah as part of having fun with her as his wife. And I believe there is a hadeeth where Rasulullah (pbuh) showed displeasure towards men who approached their wife sexually without foreplay. Indeed, I'm sure many know the story of how Rasulullah (pbuh) came home late one night when Aishah was already asleep, and instead of waking her up to open the door for him, he slept outside the house so as not to disturb her sleep. These are the exemplary manners that Rasulullah (pbuh) has set up as he is the best of examples (uswatun hasanah) to follow. Why then do some muslim men not want to follow in his footsteps, if they indeed claim to be his ummah??

    To parents out there, please don't forget to advice your sons on how to treat their wives well when they get married, just like what Rasulullah (pbuh) did, and not just advice them on how to keep being good to parents only.

  8. By the way, Brother Wael, Jazakallahu khairan, thank you very much indeed for putting up young brother Abu Az-Zubayr's post without editing, as it has served as an eye opener on how some male teenage muslims think these days. Hopefully the answers given by many brothers and sisters here in response to his posts will serve to educate many out there - teenagers, mothers and fathers - In shaa Allahu Ta'ala.

  9. All the above said is true to ur knowledge. .but I live in a joint family. .and my husband gives whole authority to his sisters and mother which makes me alone or a stranger and doesn't consider me a part of his life. .how should I get out of it. .plz help me.

  10. I can't believe teenagers or men actually think like that. I actually felt sick when I read it..... I think I am the most annoying wife as I am forever telling my husband kiss me, snog me and hug me.... I am forever fishing for compliments from him. I am so so angry wallahi reading this....

  11. My husband couldn’t forget his girlfriend, his first love. That’s why he gets mad at me for everything. He doesn’t love me,my close friends they also know that. I really try. I got married very young. We married for 33years. He is very short tempered. He thinks he is the best. He has a big ego problem. I don’t want money or expensive stuff. I just want my husband to love me that’s all. It really hurts my feelings.
    I’m a simple high school graduate. Didn’t get higher education because i have 3 kids.
    What sura should I recite that he’ll start loving me.

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