Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I get my parents to trust me again?

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Broken trust?

Assalamaulaikum warehmatullah e wabarakatuhu... my name's Eeman. I'm young and new here. I really need help as I am sinning alot these days. Every night I stay awake, and think how can I prevent sinning. I'm just 13 years old but my sins... they're very....I hope you understood.

As a Muslim, I am very regretful for all the bad things I've been doing in the past such as betraying my parents alot many times. Now they can't trust me and keep suspecting me all the time. What to do now? This time I am not lying to them but how can i make them trust me once again? I am too upset.

I just asked this cause there's nothing else much important than my parents' happiness for me. Please help me.

Second thing is that I can't avoid watching pornography even though i know that it is Haram. I request you to please advice me. I'll be very grateful. May Allah bless you all. Ameen


Tagged as: , , , ,

11 Responses »

  1. Salam Eeman,

    I understand what you are going through; I am 15 and have had the same problems with porn, although I've stopped now, but I have not really had a problem with my parents.

    Ok, so you have two problems:
    1. Your parents do not trust you.
    2. Porn.

    I'll deal with the porn first, because, believe it or not, it's the easier thing to deal with!
    First of all, don't keep a smartphone. If you have watched porn on it, remove all your data, wipe the phone, and give it your parents and say something like ''it's distracting me from my studies, dad/mum, i have my studies to do and i don't want it; get me a nokia brick or something for calling only''.
    If they ask why, say you spend too much time playing games. Other than the porn, you must also be playing games, right? Either way, get rid of it.
    Next, check whether your Internet company provides internet filters; google it or check on their website. Then try to turn this on and set it to block sites containing porn and nudity. Just do it, and forget about it.
    If you have a laptop, keep it where you'll be seen easily; not in your room.
    Be determined to stop the porn watching and say sorry to Allah and ask Allah for help.

    Realise that porn sex is a fantasy; it's made up to arouse people, usually heterosexual men. The actors in porn are paid to do their job. Don't get too excited over porn; it's just like alcohol or drugs, another thing made to give people a hit. OK? Don't worry and get depressed.
    Porn. It's nothing like real sex. Nothing like it. Real sex is best in a loving, committed relationship (in Islam, this is called a ''marriage''), and porn sex does not represent this in any way. There is no love in porn. Only lust.
    You may have seen things in porn that confused or disturbed you.
    I can't explain everything now, but I advise you to go on legitimate sex education sites to get a proper understanding of sex and relationships. Otherwise, you'll only have ideas you got from porn, and this could impact your married life in the future.
    I recommend this website called BISHUK; google it and it should come up. It's run by a non-Muslim called Justin Hancock. Some of the advice he gives is not Islamic, but I think he does a good job of removing the taboo around sex and explaining sex and relationships clearly and without judgement. So go to Islamic sites as well. At your age, all this is inappropriate; but seeing as you have been exposed to porn, I would recommend you do this so you don't end up having the wrong idea about sex.

    In the end, I can only advise you brother; it's upto you to take the initiative and stop this and pray to Allah.

    If you masturbate (if you don't know what this is, see the bishuk site; please don't go to the wikipedia page or some silly site like it), I advise you to stop the porn first, then focus on stopping masturbating. Although I don't watch porn, I still masturbate; so I guess I am in the same boat as you; hopefully someone else here who has successfully got off masturbating can give you advice regarding that. I am not in a position to advise you on how to stop masturbating, if you do masturbate that is, when I myself masturbate...sorry.
    But from personal experience, if, due to circumstances beyond my control, I find myself alone in the house with a laptop, and I get the urge to watch porn, I just go and masturbate, without watching porn. Afterwards, I don't feel like watching porn. I am just substituting one haram thing for another, I know, but in my opinion, masturbation is less evil than porn. That's why do that. Perhaps this is not what Allah or other Muslims here think, and I respect their opinion. But that's how I think. You are welcome to disagree; in fact, please do, because both are haram.


    Look, if someone lies and betrays you constantly, you are bound to never ever believe that person. It's natural. You can't blame your parents for it.
    There is a saying:
    ''It takes 50 years to build trust, but 5 seconds to break it''.
    So what I would advise:

    1. Never ever lie to your parents; if you think you are going to be tempted to lie, don't speak about that topic.

    2. Help them around; do some of the housework for them; nothing too big; for example, wash your plate and tea cup after you've finished eating rather than letting them do it. Study hard and get good marks; I am not saying you should be top of the class, not everyone can do that, but try hard, maybe you can!

    3. Just apologise to them. Say something like ''Mum, dad, I know you may not trust me anymore, but I want you to know that I am sorry, I want to be trusted again; I'll try my best to be a good son, and if I am doing something wrong, please tell me. I'll try my best to change, but please help me with this too. I am really sorry''. And then KEEP YOUR PROMISE.

    4. Never break a promise; this is the sign of a munafiq (hypocrite).

    5. Finally, ask Allah to change the hearts of your parents, if you are a sincere Muslim.

    6. Just be decent. You are old enough to know what is wrong and what is not. Don't do something wrong. Do the right thing. It can be difficult but you won't regret it if you believe in Allah.

    Look, I have my own problems with my parents, but I try hard to be a good son. Sometimes, we get angry at them; this is normal for a teenager. But never shout and always be polite and respectful; in the same way you would never, I hope, shout at a teacher even if they annoy you.

    And remember, Allah is always ready to forgive if you are sincere. So, seize this opportunity. That's all I can say; you take the action.

    In the end, the main thing is that you and I are imperfect; no one is perfect, except the Prophets, insha allah. What's important is we don't kick ourselves too much over this and try to get over this and be positive and look forward with humbleness to Allah.

    If you have no friend or anyone to talk to, realise that you will always have Allah. Please do realise this.

    I hope I've said something useful and been of some help; may Allah guide us all to the right path. His is the decision. Ameen.

    Assalamu alaikum,

    • Very practical and down to earth advice. I learnt a lot. Jazak Allah.

      • Jazak allah for the comment. I would also like to add this:
        Your parents, Eeman, may take time to begin to trust you. How long? Could be a day, or weeks, or months, or maybe years! The key is patience. Don't get upset if they respond negatively the first time you apologise; keep at it, and most importantly, SHOW it rather than SAY it.

    • hats off bro to ur reply ...... though u r 15 yet ur reply was worthy.....

    • You've done a great job. Although 15 you had some greag advice.

  2. asalam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh...

    What you must do first is make tawba to Allah SWT and then start practicing your Deen. If you start doing and stay consistent, you don't have to worry about your parents trusting you again. Also, since you are making adult decisions to do what you want, you should sit down with your parents and let them know you are very regretful for your past behavior, tell them you want to change, and then ask your parents to assist you in making these changes (technically, you're really still a child and you really need their guidance during these teenage years). Also, think about the fact that your parents have already been your age before, so they have been exactly where you are now. You really need their guidance, if you really understood. As a revert, my parents were not Muslim and I wish I could have been raised Muslim, I would be so far ahead of where I am now. It's all QadrAllah, but still, you should be grateful and part of your gratefulness should be shown to Allah by getting yourself together. Alhamdulillah, I am happy you are reaching out, it really shows some you have some maturity. So, just take that same maturity and apply it to all areas of your life and remember Allah is oft forgiving and most merciful. Dedicate yourself to pleasing Allah and Allah will allow your parents to see you are trying to be better and the truth will be known. Just strive to be truthful and honest to yourself and of course, your parents. Don't be so hard on yourself, it will be alright, InshaAllah Ta'ala. At 13, everything feels like the end of the world, but it will pass, inshaAllah, just keep living ;).

    About the porn...cease and desist! If you can't help because someone else is playing it, doesn't mean you have to watch. Cover your eyes, inshaAllah, you have two hands to cover them and two feet to walk away. You are 13, you don't have a pot to pee in, nor a window to throw it out of, you have no business watching, even worse, having an addiction (you said you can't avoid it) to porn. You can avoid porn, but you need to be fasting since your nafs are out of control. That's the problem. What made you so boss that you can do whatever you want, Sweetheart? You can't even get a job to take care of yourself, but you want to be grown? Dear, if you were my 13 yr. old, I would not be talking to you, you would be feeling me. You need to stop trying to be grown, cause you don't know what it's all about. If you don't stop now, this will lead to zina...cause the more you watch, then the more you want until you have to find something more exciting, more and more, until you commit zina, more and more until you maybe turn gay...there are bounds and you are crossing them. Plus, you need be trying to get your education (Deen first), while you are worrying about this foolishness. Anyway, that's my lecture, but ONLY because I love you for the sake of Allah and you just a baby that doesn't know anything but nafs.

    Fi AmanAllah <3

  3. Assalam Alikum,

    I think Brother Asif did a good job of addressing both questions, the advice is very practical and workable. Inshallah, if you follow it through, you may get out of your problems in time.

    I, particular like the advice on "porn" issue. One should be well informed (sex education) and understand their physical development in this period of time. It can really eliminate the excess or unnecessary romanticize thoughts of opposite sex. Do check out his suggested website to get some balanced and well informed information about sex education.

    One thing I want to add is whenever you have dirty thoughts about women, think as these women could be your mother, sisters or daughter (in the future) , do you still want to look at them? You may want to protect them as those women are also a perverted cycle of victims.

    I think some or maybe most muslim families still treat this topic as taboo and never discuss with their teens with an open mind attitude. They do overboard to emphasis segregation between boys and girls in an early age. Without proper education and explanation, it leaves the teens with unhealthy fantasy about opposite sex or they will seek knowledge from the other channels - internets, porn site. (A friend of mine insists her 11 years old girl to wear long loose pants and long sleeves at home as she is a woman and she cannot let her brother and father to see her body shape! The teenage son always acts awkwardly or stare at girls secretly when noone is looking. When she cannot pray while having period, she will make some funny excuse to her children instead of telling that she cannot pray because of women issues!) Is it time for masjids to develop/educate/ emphasis a muslim oriented sex education for this generation instead of just advising lower your gauze.

  4. as salam alaikum..........
    best thing u can do is sleep as early as possible and try to offer tahajjud namaz ...... whenever ur mind gets diverted into that topic go n do wudhu..... thatz the best advice i can give u cuz even i too tried it and it did work for me alhamdullilah...... all the best......

    • 1st of all be honest with your family. Honesty is the best policy if you want to rebuild any relationship.
      Secondly in regards to porn, get married as soon as you are able to , as no amount of horrible porn can ever be as good as the intimate relations you can have with your spouse.
      The islamic way is always the best nothing else compares.
      May Allah (swt) guide you .

  5. My , mama also not believe in me bcoz i have made a promise and break it.Can anyone help me pleassssse. And she says she would never forgive me.My name is MZ and I am 13 years old.
    Asslamualikum and Allahafiz,
    Pls make dua for me.

    • As-salamu alaykum brother Muhammad. I saved your question as a separate post and it will be published within a day or so inshaAllah.

      Wael Editor

Leave a Response