Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I guide my husband to forgive me for cheating?

Wife battering

I am  32 from U.K. I  have two kids and I am pregnant with the third child. I felt neglected and cheated on my husband. I got caught and still lied to him about what I did. I falsely swore on my kids and on the holy book.(ustagfiruallah)I have confessed everything now and he says he has forgiven me. He drinks everyday and do drugs. He beats me everyday and reminds me of what I did.

I am pregnant now and truely ashamed of what I did. My parents are in Saudi. He keep saying he loves me and then in anger he will beat me. He makes me swear everyday and asks me if I have told him everything. I still have a few things I have not told him. Those things are not important but I am afraid  if I tell him he will  never trust me again and will continue to beat me.

I don't want to swear on the holy book and my kids again I am praying every day,  it's been over a year now and I am about to deliver my third child. We don't want a divorce.  I feel bad for him and for myself  and the two boys. I keep telling myself its going to be better.

Please help.

~Forgive


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13 Responses »

  1. A man beating a pregnant women is very wrong

    Well if u cheated on him and offcourse he is angry and goes on beating then that is sad

    Well u said u don't want a divorce , is there anyother option left

  2. Sister,

    Your first mistake/sin was that you cheated on your husband.

    Your second was that you told your husband about this.

    And your third mistake is that you are now staying with a husband who is violent, takes drugs and drinks alcohol. Your life and the life of your unborn child are at risk if you allow yourself to continue being abused. Whatever happened in the past needs to be dealt with, but not while you are being beaten by your husband. It is completely wrong for you to put up with any sort of violence, and that due to what appears to be your guilt.

    To secure your immediate safety and the safety of your children and unborn child, I urge you to separate from your husband for now. Go to a family member's or friend's home. Or seek advice from a good Women's Counselling or Refuge Service, such as: http://nour-dv.org.uk/ They offer a free and very professional service.

    If you stay with your husband, he will have no reason to change. But if you separate for now, atleast you will have taken some strong action. It will show that you refuse to be abused and it may give your husband a wake up call. It has been atleast two months since you submitted your post, so please write and let us know what your situation is now so we can help you accordingly.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. You might try checking if he is actually still a Muslim, you both need to build your relationships with Allah, you need to remind him of his obligations as a Muslim in marriage and as a Muslim father, and as a Muslim in society, and what kind of future he wants for his children, and the marriage. If he isn't muslim anymore, you have a bigger problem.

    You are not the only one in the wrong here, you both are, you have rights and obligations to each other, maybe if you get some books on Islamic marriage, or raising children in Islam...this may appear hypocritical to him considering what you did...but make him aware you want to fix matters and you will do all you can. This is going to be slow, but it will need to be regular.

    As you learn a new pieces of knowledge, share them with him, but try and share something relevant.

    Also, if he is selling drugs, you are feeding your children and yourselves haram...you need to eat of halal earnings if you want Allah's blessings.

    This will only help you get on the right path...you need to gradually introduce Islamic values and practices into your household. Including praying.

    Also, kids can be secret gems, make sure they learn about Islam early, because as they correct you both, this will help you both see how important it is for you to work together for them and ultimately for your hearafter. In time as things improve and you actually have a relationship you will learn to forgive.

    Goodluck

  4. Salaam Forgive,

    I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I am very worried about you my sister.

    Your actions (of cheating) were wrong and you know that. Your confession to your husband has hurt him deeply, and angered him - and you know that also. However at this moment in time, you are not safe in the house and I think before you move on to the topic of solving your marriage problems, the greater problem here is that you are in physical danger, and the victim of violence towards you in your home and this is not good for your children or your unborn baby.

    Therefore, I would say the most important thing for you right now is to try and leave the home you are staying in and remove yourself and your children from danger.

    In the UK, if your husband is violent towards you you can call the police who will put him in a cell overnight until he cools down. He will not be charged with a crime unless you ask for it. Often, this act is enough to make a man realise that he is acting criminally, and the threat of losing his freedom can scare him enough to enable him to restrain his violence towards his wife. Once the police have come, you will be asked if you want to press charges. If you do press charges, he will be retained until the case comes to trial, or you will be rehoused by the Council and he will be given a 24 hour to 48 restraining order so that he cannot come near you whilst you are moved to your new home. If, you then want to press charges, a court date will be set and he will be charged with ABH or GBD (depending on the severity of the violence). You will then have to apply for custody, which may involve another court case.

    I want to make it very clear that battering any human being for any reason whatsoever is a crime, and should be treated as a crime.

    Sometimes, when we have done wrong, when we are feeling guilty - we accept behaviours that would otherwise be regarded as unacceptable, and it may be that you feel on some level that you deserve this treatment, or that your husband is justified in his treatment toward you. What I would like to make clear is that no, you do not deserve to be beaten every day. Regardless of what we do, daily violence is not a condition in which any human being should live.

    I strongly advise that you remove yourself from danger, either by moving your living arrangements or by calling the police when your husband hits you. It may be that you need to go back to your parent's for a while, or if you have family or friends that you can stay with - this is also an option. You can also speak to refuge.org.uk, a charity who deal with cases such as yours.

    The issue of infidelity and forgiveness is, in my opinion, secondary in importance. Of primary importance is that you leave the violence of the home and go some where where you can live in safety and peace whilst you decide what you are going to do.

    I pray and hope that you can find the strength to exit your situation, and the discipline and willpower to resolve your marriage problems properly, safeguard your safety and be sure of resolution before you even consider moving back into the same home.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  5. I feel really sorry for you you have an abusive husband you don't deserve to be treated like that by your husband
    who should seek help from your family and speak to someone. Even if you did cheat it doesn't give him an excuse to beat you that's just wrong!!!!

  6. He is involved in drugs, which could mean addiction, maybe prison is the best place for him as it may offer an opportunity for him to become rehabilitated, you can go visit him and you can talk in a safe setting where he will not be able to attack you. He needs serious help, this won't be easy.

  7. Pray for the sister, she has an extremely difficult situation to try and resolve, a situation that will put all her skills in making a home to the test. May Allah help her and make this easier for her.

    She is brave and has the courage to try and make her family work, and she is willing to try, and not jump to divorce. May Allah not let it come to that, there is a reason why the devil loves divorce, its not just the breakdown of a family but its the first step to a broken community.

    She needs all the help she can get and so does her husband. SO only post good advice for her, like some of the sisters have done. Divorce is not her only option. Jazakallah khairun.

  8. Asalaam alaikum,

    While I totally agree with the advice concerning the abuse you are suffering from and the need for you to seek refuge given by the sisters here, one aspect that I wanted to point out is that your husband needs to undergo a substance abuse intervention and rehabilitation. You didn't say whether the abuse occurred after revealing this infidelity to him, as a result of his alcohol and drug abuse or whether he was doing it before. Whatever the case, the physical abuse is not going to stop and he may end up hurting you and himself more if he cannot stop abusing these drugs.

    Alcohol is a natural depressant for many and may be fueling his rage toward you. The drugs are acting in a similar manner I suppose, though you didn't mention what kind he was taking. I would try to involve his family and friends who are drug free and would agree to an intervention for him. This may be the biggest step to take forward, but it's a crucial one that you must use to save his life, as well as that of your's and your family.

    While nothing can excuse your infidelity, you also need to discover why you felt neglected. It seems that you two have not addressed that situation, either. Of course, you won't be able to till he gets clean and sober, but please keep this in mind. He may be feeling that you haven't been truly remorseful for what you have done.

    Regarding the other secrets: whatever they are, make sure they are dead and buried. If they play in role in your life now, get rid of them. You also need to see that you are in 'recovery" mode, too. You are as fragile as anyone at this point, so please be careful with how this situation is making you feel and how it could lead you to making more poor decisions.

    I hope you come back and let us know what is happening to you. As was said before, we'll keep you in our prayers.

  9. You should follow the advice which is given to you, and find refuge.
    Even if you have cheated, your husband cant beat you.
    You must know that what is happening to you is your fault, but you should leave before you and your baby are injured.
    seek refuge with a female friend if you can.

  10. hehe , i'm a guy who loved a girl who cheated me , 1st she cheated me from her heart by loving someone else and keeping me around for a while. 2nd she cheated by offering her body to someone else. and then finally after she got caught she realized her mistake ( cliche) .now she wants forgiveness . i told her that i forgave all her mistakes except for the one she committed the grievest mistake of committing sexual activity.

    i gave her everything .till today i never hit her but i keep reminding once every month that its hard for me to continue with her ( we both are kinda together our parents know abt our relationship except my mom doesnt knw abt what she did to me ) i tell her no use loving me or being with me coz i cant forgive you rest of my life. every night i sleep i get these disturbing images of she sleeping with someone else.i try to forget it but its very hard to forget it.

    so what i have to tell you is.... I , after what she did i told her get closer to Allah .he knws what you did. he will forgive you ...he will help you but i cant coz u cheated me ... now she reads Quran ..prays 5 times. shes a good muslim. and i told her...just love Allah and accept whatever comes in life.every pain you feel is price you pay for your sin you committed. and 1 day it will get over , that day you can realize your punishment is done once and for all.

    you got children ... you are pregnant.
    you confront your husband tell him
    you cheated and you feel sorry every single day of your life.
    make him feel that you are sorry ..that you are ashamed of yourself of doing
    trust me..next time he is sober ..confront ...tell him that you are sorry ...

    trust me again with this..everytime you smile or laugh...it hurts him coz of what you did.
    so you make him realize by taking the first step of telling him .
    if he hits you ...tell him that you are ready to get beated..give him a belt and tell him 2 hit.
    do all this when he is sober. not when he is high or drunk.
    he has a heart..he loved you with it.

    i want my girl to say sorry to me rest of her life. ya she is sorry but at times i get angry
    we all are human...but i really can see in her eyes.make your husband see how sorry you are.

    sis this is your life . accept it. your husband has you.

    pray tahajjud .( it works ...opens magical doors )
    donate... pray 5 times..and finally
    when you are alone...talk to Allah ...he is listening ..he knows...he controls the worlds.....w o r l d (s)
    he will take care of you ..

    INSHALLAH..everything will be ok ...trust ALLAH.

    • Ugh. Keep it up and you will definitely drive your "girl" away (is she your girlfriend? - we don't have such relationships in Islam). Who could stay with someone will judge them forever and make them apologize forever? Certainly her sin was terrible. If you can't forgive her, then break up with her and let her find someone who will not judge her forever. Otherwise you'll lose her in the end anyway.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • S, did you just tell a woman to invite her own abuser to beat her more with a belt?That's disgusting and horrible! Now I can imagine why your girl cheated on you. Too bad she didn't have the sense to stay away from you for good.

      And by the way, no one has ownership of anyone. A wife is not her husband's slave. Only Allah (swt) owns everything.

    • "she cheated by offering her body to someone else......"she isn't your property
      and your not even married to her are you?

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