Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I have a happy relationship when I am so bitter about my sacrifices?


I am a person who used to be very sociable. I used to hang out a lot with friends, family, cousins and more. Eight years ago a man entered my life. Since I said yes to him, people that were close to me become my enemies. He is not a bad guy at all he is Muslim and has no bad habits at all. I fought (verbal arguments) with each and every person that was close to me and my far relatives just for him!! Today, I am in the situation that no one is close to me even my mother thinks I am not a good person and because of my siblings and other who told her negative stuff about me she doesn’t care about me at all! Because I picked him there have been so many conflicts that today I don’t talk with my siblings nor with my mom. They treat me like I don’t exist!

My relation with him is really bad! We don’t get along for a second there are a lot of curse in this relationship and he NEVER understands me. His family has caused so much pain to me mentally too. He knows everything but still it feels like he can’t stand up for me!! I am only 19 years old! I am so scared of my future. Now I have no choice other than to marry him, since everyone knows about us being together. I don’t know is it even worth to move on with a person who is so careless, selfish. He went to Pakistan for few months and when he was there for few months he called me few times and in those few times we would fight majority of the time on the phone!! We are not getting along at all and I almost hate him for not noticing all those sacrifices I made for him and he made none! I believe he is taking me granted. He has hurt me so much mentally and gave me so many tensions and problems that I don’t even want to be with him! I am starting to hate him.

I have become unsociable and very bitter inside now! I don’t know why but I don’t enjoy anything of life now. I live in my own house as if I am a guest. My parents want me to get married with him and leave now. I don’t want to marry him especially now when I am young too young for marriage but living with my parents gives me no peace of mind at all. I have no choice my parents are thinking about my marriage soon and I don’t know what to do!! It will be heart breaking for them to hear that I hate him I don’t want to hurt them. But is it worth to move on and get divorce later!

I have given him soo many chances in life told him what he is doing is wrong and how he acting likes an animal!!Nothing affects him!! I am so depressed at times that I want to finish my life! As u can imagine if I didn’t care about anyone and was with him... What he mattered to me! Plzz tell me what I should do?


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5 Responses »

  1. Salaam, the most precious things you have is your life, treasure and spend it wisely, sister your story is sad to read, and i will advise you to best of my ability.
    I wuold suggest you leave this man and save yourself from what seems a unhealthy relationship, firstly you should not be in contact since you are not married, and this is a sin in itself, furthermore his treatment of you is not good at all, the fact you constantly fight is a sign of a weak relationship, and the basis of any marriage is mutual understanding between the couple, youve clearly said he dosent, you have started to hate him and that should be the cue for the exit door, it seems the feeling is dead and your commitment to marriage would be simply to keep others happy and not yourself, your already thinking of divorce and at 19 by marrying you could ruin your life, it would be more painful to marry and divorce, rather than not marry at all, your age is a tender one and marriage is all about commitment, if you are already fighting then what chance is their of any harmony after marriage, 'a leopoard never changes his spots' and you have branded this man a animal, and have given him many chances but same story.
    Such men do not deserve something good, their character and personality are wrong, and i assure you, even as a wife he will not treat you any better, you decison to choose him and alienate you family was a suicidal one, but one can never hold a grudge against their daughter for long, and im sure if you seek forgivness your mother would be accepting.

    You will get other detailed responses, however my advice is to cut off contact with him, improve your relationship with your family, and explain you are sorry for what you did and that you regret your decision, your 19 dont destroy your life, you can change and be a success, but dont fall into the pit for the sake of pleasing others, put yourself first and pray that Allah guides you to harmony inshaAllah, sometimes were faced with these situation as a sign from Allah to move away from such and follow a different path, remember that the whole world can call you a liar, fraud and cheat, but if your clear at heart Allah knows, so care not for what people say or pressures you may have, pray for guidance and he will guide you inshaAllah,

    Hope this helps

  2. As salamu alaykum, sister sabiha,

    You have already received an excellent advice from Kelvenater. I would like you to know that I support every word he says to you and I only can add the following.

    Listen to all the signs, specially to the red flags; what you have done, it is done, it is past, repent for what has been wrong and ask for forgiveness to God(swt) and to your loved ones. You are very young and facing hard struggles to feel that your family is waiting for you to leave is a bitter drink to swallow, I acknowledge and understand perfectly what you are going through, but I would like to tell you something you will learn with time, insha´Allah, this is my personal advice, please take it with a pinch of salt.

    Whatever wrong happens in your life, God(swt) forbids it, insha´Allah, the people that will be there for you will be your family, it doesn´t matter how many fights you have with them you are their blood, not always happen this way but in your case by your words I think this is the way. Your family fought for you at the begining but this man took you too young and naiv, you have learnt that you can have better than him, your heart at the begining of the relationship was full with your family´s and friend´s love, now you feel the emptyness of their absence, he hasn´t ever been there, but now you can see it because they are on a side, and you feel completely the absence of real, unconditional love.

    Your family loves you, but they have been trained by your behaviour to ignore you not to suffer, the solution will be to get involved again in your family duties, call your cousins, go out with them, help your mum, take care of the little ones of the family, be present and loving to them, change the chip and be honest to them about this man, recognize your true feelings, he is not the one and your family is your family, there is nobody else in this world that can be called mum, dad, sister, brother, cousin, auntie, uncle, grannie, grandpa, ....then go for them and nurture them with love and respect. Tell them how sorry you are for all the situations of the past, how much you miss them and how wrong you were not listening to their opinion and fighting so much being so inocent and young.

    Sister, the time to build up the relationship with your family is here and now, every second from now on, and the time to let go this man that wakes up so much terrible feelings in you is now, better today than tomorrow, this way you will be honest to yourself, to him, to all the rest of us, and to God(swt). But this is your decision and nobody can take it for you.

    Your past is part of you already, and I am very sorry you had to go through so much dissapointment being so young, but the best part of all of this is that you know what you want and you know what you don´t want, thanks God(swt) you are in the path to take the right decisions, if God(swt) will it.

    You will go for a period where you will have to adapt yourself to your new life, a free life where you will have to get to know yourself as the young woman you are, you have lost a lot of time to live deeply in love with your family, take advantage you can do it now, enjoy them, love them, take care of them, say nice words to them, appreciate them, make them feel valuable,.....every single step you do towards their wellbeing you will be giving it towards your own. And with this I reinforce you to take care of yourself in all the aspects of your life, mental, spiritual, emotional and physical, be the woman you are called to be in this life, strive for your best and insha´Allah you will see how all the knots that surrounds you melt as ice with warm water.

    Be straight to him, he isn´t allowed to date or have a girlfriend, he hasn´t act as a man of honour, then be yourself the one and let him go, that insha´Allah will be the best for both of you. What is waiting for you with him in the future seeing through your eyes is hell, Insha´Allah, stop this, repent, ask for forgiveness and go for Paradise.

    Study, exercise, eat well, smile, love from heart, forgive, pray, pray, pray, enjoy your loved ones, feel your call, that call that will guide you to excellence, insha´Allah.

    Allah (swt) knows best.

    All my Unconditional Love,
    María Editor

  3. do not marry him tell your parents that your really really sorry for neglecting them and that you don' t want to marry him because he is not a good man. you said yourself you made so many sacrifices for this guy and he has not done anything for you so just don't marry him!!!! you don't want to loose your family at such a young age to a guy who doesn't care about you or stand up just don't marry him stand up for yourself for your own sake say no!

  4. AA;

    He entered your life 8 years ago and you are 19 now? You guys had a relationship since u were 11? Sorry, but I think this is a bit weird! Maybe that's why your family were against it from the get go!

    Anyway, since nothing sexual happened with you guys, and it is not like you two were living together, I guess the best way is as mentioned above: Leave him and talk to your family, apologize and tell them you see things differently now and you do not want him.

    May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.

    If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me. Allah knows best.


  5. Salamu Alaikum.
    Please the first thing I think you should do is to seek forgiveness from your parents and siblings. They love you and don't ever think they don't. They are just mean because you disobeyed them and shone away from the truth. They have seen what kind of man he is going to become and you have seen it now yourself. "if and elder sees something, even if a child will climb the top of a mountain, he shall not see it". Apologise to them please and tell them you are living this man for good. You have now seen what they've been telling you. Secondly, LEAVE THE MAN! He's not worth your time. And believe me, this is just the beginning of his ungratefulness. Pray to Allah for his mercy and forgiveness and for his hands in your situation.

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