Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I help my brother who has lost his way?

Asalamualaikum dear brothers and sisters in Islam.

I am 22 years old. Nothing is good in my life. I had a difficult childhood. I grew up watching my mother crying. Her in laws (i.e. my family) used to torture her mentally, sometimes even physically. My dad used to watch like a mute spectator, sometimes he used to join them and torture my mother. My mom is an orphan, so she had no where to go. The only reason why she put up with all this is because of me and my brother. She sacrificed her youth because of us. I really respect my mom. My mom is a very pious lady. Whatever I am today I am because of her. She has been my first institution. She taught us to read Quran and pray Salah.

I follow the Islamic principles strictly. But my brother who is 19 years old has lost his way. He is so disrespectful towards my parents. he doesn't pray. he doesn't listen to my mom and dad. he didn't fast this Ramadhan. when we try to talk to him, he becomes violent. he beats me and my mom up. he wants to date girls, he doesn't study. My mom and me pray five times and ask Allah to put Iman in his heart. He doesn't change. I make dua all the time. I ask Allah to make him a good muslim and a good son, but he is still the same. I can't stop my tears while writing this. Sometimes I wish if Allah will take my life in exchange for changing my brother for the good, I will even give up my life. I am broken completely. I can't see my parents like this.

Please I request all of you to pray for us. I literally beg all of you to pray that my brother becomes a good Muslim, and starts to respect our parents. Also kindly give me any dua's which I can read in this condition.

Jazakallah

~Sauda


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14 Responses »

  1. InshaAllah brother..i know what its like to feel alone. My story is featured next to yours. But keep strong inshaAllah you will get your answer soon to...

    I will remember you in my duaz
    Ws

  2. It is saddening,but a muslim in any inconducive kind of life has to be strong.totally,submit yourself to Allah for tht testify your iman.pass the test and never surrender to pray hard for your family,for this is a test of time.rememba to pray to Allah(ALLAHUMA YA KALIBA'AL KHULUB THABIT KALBANA ALA' DEEN AL-ISLAM.amiin.

  3. Wa-alikum assalam,
    brother download & listen mp3 bayans of Moulana Tariq Jamil sb. and select those clips in which he told about
    Waalidain ki Naafarmani ka Qabar aur Aakhirat mein Azaab..
    play it in bit loud voice.

    2nd, Imaan is the greatest blessing of Allah . I pray for myself, you , your family and your brother that May Allah bless us with complete Imaan & Taqwah . Ameen.

  4. Salam,
    I will definitely pray for you and your brother and your mom. In faact everyday, I pray and make Du'a for the whole Muslim Ummah.

  5. As salamu alaykum, Sauda,

    This is my personal opinion, please take it with a pinch of salt.

    What I have to say first is that you shouldn´t let your brother to abuse you or your mother in any way possible and this can be punished legally, and he should be conscious of this. No way to lose respect to you. He should know you are not going to let him be violent in anyway with you, when he is quiet, said to him that you need to talk to him, quietly, say to him that you aren ´t going to allow him any kind of abuse psycological or physical, that you will give him the chance to behave and act straight towards you, but if not you will act in consequence, he needs to know that what he is doing is wrong and punishable by law, and he needs to know too that you are strong and able to move ahead if he continues this way. But don´t threaten with this, just say it once and let it be to see how he reacts and other thing, for now, don´t mention anything about his wrongdoings as muslims, not yet, if insha´Allah, this touches him, slowly, he will return to the straight path, insha´Allah.

    Let him be sure that this is the minimum you will require, RESPECT. After this I will tell you what I think it can help you to improve your situation.

    You say what you have in your first phrase, I will write the opposite for you to read it, " Alhamdulilllah, Everything is the best it can be at this moment in my life, but insha´Allah, Allah(swt) will help me to improve it till the best I can be and get through my life"

    I understand and acknowledge your suffering through all your life, but the only way to push the others to their best is being ourselves the best we can. You have a nice, soft heart, masha´Allah, but your attitude is quite negative, to change this will be insha´Allah, the click you need to change the direction of the situation that you are living in.

    Be an example of joy for your family, to be a muslim is a reason to be joyful, to be able to pray salat, Alhamdulillah, it is a reason to be joyful, to be thankful for the blessings of breathing, eating, walking, sharing, praying, studying, work, cry, laugh, ...............and all that you can think of, it is a reason to be joyful, to see your brother waking up everyday is a reason to be joyful, you waking up everyday is a reason to be joyful, ..... I could go lines and lines writing to you all the reasons you have to be joyful, and with this joyful I don´t mean not acknowleging your suffering and to be jumping and laughing, with this I mean, be yourself the one that you want your brother to be, be a living example for him, .... make an experiment, give your mum a kiss and a hug and tell her how much you love her, see her reaction the first time, and do it more times, see how she softens with your love and the effect that has on you. If anyone asks you why this change, just say, Alhamdulillah, I am thankful to be alive and for all the blessings in my life, Alhamdulillah.

    Straight to your brother, what is worrying you the most, there is a strong bond between brothers/sisters, anything that they do wrong it is like half of us is lost and the worst of all is that we feel unable to do anything about it, because we have to respect their free will, but here I think you have a strong point in your favour to help him and it is to create a polarity where he won´t have more choice than recovering the path, insha´Allah, and it has to do with what I told you before.

    You are a strong person able to stand in your feet firmly and your mum too and she needs to know it, it is good to have a good, soft heart but it is good to know too that the limits had to be respected too, and part of your strength will lie on letting everyone knows which are the limits you won´t allow them to pass. You and your mum need to know that you deserve to be respected, that you deserve to be taken care of, that you deserve to be loved, and these are your rights as muslimah, as women, as mother, as sister, as human beings, no other way possible and all of it, it is recognized on the Quran and the Sunnah, Alhamdulillah.

    If you want to help all of you and specially your brother, you and your mum, should read ayat al kursi for all of you but for him specially and surat112,113 and 114 for him as much as you want, and specially your mum, Alahmdulillah Allah(swt) listens to all of us but specially the mother´s prayers, now you need to see he is under too much negative influence, help him lighten the weight of it through the prayers, specially this ones, forgive him, feel compassion towards him but be straight to him, pray for him but don´t tell it to him and say Alhamdulillah, everytime you see an improvement on him, even if it is a very tiny one.

    Having you at his side I can guess he is not a bad person, he is just deep down in a dark well, imagine that everyone of the prayers you do for him is creating a link in the chain that will take him out of the well, every ayat al kursi, will be like a titanium link, and every movement you make on the straight path, every thought of unconditional love you feel towards him will create other one, this way insha´Allah, when the chain it is long and strong enough, Allah(swt) will touch slightly his heart, not to hurt him and will show him the light at the at the other side of the well and he will take the chain and will get out of there, insha´Allah.

    Insha´Allah, yours and your mother love plus the prayers of our brothers and sisters will help him to be back to the straight Path.

    I understand his big suffering too, he doesn´t know how to deal with all those emotions that are blocking him, please everytime he is close to you, read ayat al kursi, bless him in your Heart and send him love from heart, feel the warmth of your love growing in your chest towards him, and if your mum can tell her to say in her heart how much she loves him and all of you remember all the good in him, his good capabilities, what was his favourite subjects at school, or his favourite games, this insha´Allah, will wake up his memories of being good for something and will bring him closer to the path. Everytime you gather and mention him, try to say good things, if a negative word comes to any of you, stop it, and look for refuge on Allah(swt).

    Wasalam,
    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Asalamualaikum
    Just to let everyone know, I am not male. I am a sister. I would really like to thank all brothers and sisters especially sister Maria for their kind response. Please pray for my family.
    jazakallah
    sauda

    • Walaykum as salam, Sister Sauda,

      Thank you for sharing with us. May Allah(swt) bless us all with the best for us. Ameen.

      All my Unconditional Love,
      María
      IslamicAsnwers.com Editor

  7. dear sauda,

    my brother was behaving the same way. very brutal with words , i could not believe his tongue. he was the kindest man i had known. any way i tried talking to him, shouting at him, scolding him, even wrote a letter to him ( a very polite one) to tell him that he is doing wrong and harming himself) nothing worked.

    so i distanced myself a bit from him ie stopped telling him that what he is doing is wrong.he doesnt live with me so i guessit was easier to distance but you are lucky he lives with you so you can show him your love.i then started to be kind to him and stopped being angry all the time. someimes our silence speaks more than our words can, specially if youhave tried all the words and they have all gone waste. i pray a lot for him. with a firm beleive that allah will listen to my prayers and inshallah guide him to the right path. will then i just have to be the best sister i can be and also protect meself from getting run over by this untammed horse.

    take care my sis. look after your mom, she will need a lot of suport from you. give her hope. i have made dua for you.

  8. @ friend
    jazakallah for making dua for me. please keep on making dua for my family. I really need your dua. dear sister may allah grant you the best in this world and the hereafter.
    take care

  9. salam,

    sauda i will tell you three true stories. all three of them my friends. one of my friend's brother used to pray 5 times a day ( all in jamat) was a very loving, simple boy, but one day after series of events he disappeared with a woman ,the parents were shocked, nearly dead, looked for him in the whole city could not find him. anyhow got to know where he is from someone , parents spoke to son on phone , he told them to come and pick him up and that he has realised his mistake, imagine what parents must have felt, they went to pick him up but he disappeared from that address as well. got a phone call from him that they(parents) should stop following him as they are the worst people in the world. he married the woman he had ran away with , when money ran out they came to live with parents.parents being parents accepted them . you can iam sure imagine the pain they must be feeling. even when living with parents he was very disruptive and so was his wife, so to save themselves from everyday torture they asked the couple to move out. years later (10 yrs) now the parents and their son are reunited.he is still not what they grew him up as but parents being parents cant help loving their children. i think it was only persistent kindness , love and their availability that eventually melted his heart a little bit. ofcourse the endless duas this mom was making got answered.

    the other friend, whos brother a loving churpy boy, full of life. always kind, always calm. one day she found out that he is gay.it was as if someone has pulled the earth below the feet. and the hardest bit was that he wasnt even trying to hide it.can you imagine your brother comes one day and announces this news how will you feel.

    my third friend , her brother was a young , bubbly boy , full of jokes and positivity. he was coming to attend his sisters wedding, but the news came that he has died in a car accident.

    when i look at all the three stories( these are all true) and mine , the one who has lost her brother has all her hopes finished now. the rest still have chance to pray and make dua for their loved one. there is hope till there is life.

    dont feel alone my dear sis in this situation. Allah is all hearing and all listening. He will inshallah listen to our prayers. we have put our hopes in him , he will never turn our request down. but coming back from being stray takes time. we just have to play our role of being the best sisters and Allah will do his role of being the best guide.

    look after yourself my sis.

    • My condition is d same sauda n much more worst actually. I had two brothers younger than me. One was just lik an angel who was very good n caring to parents but I lost him in an accident n now I Hav one brother who is troubling my parents the same way as ur bro. Already my parents haven't forgotten the pain of losing one brother another one s giving dem so much pain. They tel dey want to die instead of seeing all this in life. Am already married. If I wake up midnight I ll think of my parents pain I won't get sleep agian. I cry so much n pray to Allah but.....don't Hav any more patience. Allah knows wat he wishes for my parents who never troubled anyone in their life. Request all to pray for my brother behavior n my parents happiness.

  10. But I would say, keep a distance to let things cool down after a clah

  11. I can understand you cause I'm a single parent living with my father and my brother spends a lot of time only with me but I'm feeling so bad of me that he's behavior is getting worse each day. And because of a small difference in our age and because I'm 14 and he is 12 I'm not getting a control on him and he's getting worse without any feelings for islam and don't even feel he should pray. But I'll pray for u cause ur situation is worst than mine . Inshallah everything will be fine

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