Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I live a content life?

muslimah mother child

Salam, May Allah SWT bless all the muslim ummah Ameen.

I am 39 years old woman, married for 17 years with two kids age 14 and 9. My husband always said to have limited number of kids because of our situation and our responsibilities towards our families. However deep down I always thought if Allah wills, my husband will agree to have more kids. I have tried in many ways to speak to him to make him understand that having a child is a blessing and that Allah SWT will look after that child as he does to the rest of the world. He agrees to that but still says no. He has always been super cautious in his life for any decision. He is a loving husband and a great dad so I dont want to leave him or hurt him in any other way. But I have this deep regret that why did he not listen to me or why I did not say this to him more so he might have said yes years ago.

I try my best to look after my kids in Islamic way and juggling between my job and kids is not an easy task but Allah SWT has been more merciful and kind to me.

My question is that have I or us both have made a big mistake for limiting our kids? How do I get rid of this guilt? This feeling is not letting me enjoy my kids and life. I do lots of duas and offer my prayers regularly and read Qurran as well but I go to bed with a content heart that if Allah wills We will be blessed with may be another child but if its not Allah's will then it would not have happened even if we had tried. Still I wake up in the morning, with this deep guilt and regret!


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9 Responses »

  1. Honestly speaking, I don't understand why ur husband would want to have a limit of only two kids. Is he chinese? all jokes aside. You said you are 39 yrs of age, married for 17 yrs which means u got married when u were about 22 (just wanted to chime tht in) 3 yrs after marriage you had your 1st child, then five yrs after the birth of ur 1st child u had ur 2nd which is 8 yrs overall after marriage. So ur husband hated the idea of having more kids 2 the extent it took him 3 yrs to impregnate u then another 5 yrs to impregnate u again and he says he is finished? No more kids. What?? I don't mean to spew any controversy your way please don't misconstrue my statement but i think ur husband has another wife somewhere with other kids. Think of anything he might have said or done that hinted he may be having an extra-marital affair somewhere with someone else or even married w/out ur knowledge. As difficult as it may seem to believe, it happens. Something is NOT right somewhere! I smell something fishy!INVESTIGATE !!

    • Thanks for your reply. As I said before he is always reluctant to make any decisions and thats how his personality is. We had our second child after five years or so because I lost my Dad when my first child was 2 yrs old in a sudden mishap which put me into shock for few years that I was unable to think about another child. Then we movec place, new job and house kept us busy hence this much time wasting! I seriously dont think he has a second wife and a family as he barely can handle one wife and two kids! Lol!
      Are two kids really that small number? I was hoping to get some reassurance though but thanks for keeping it light!

      • I replied to your comment earlier via phone but due to certain problems my phone has been given me it erased the comment. Anyhow, for one i am glad you trust your husband enough not to believe he may be having an extra-marital affair somewhere. reading my own comment i realize how absurd i sounded, sorry. BTW you know your husband more than i do.

        2) My erased comment was similar to that of midnightmoons but let me repeat it again. 39 yrs is not to young to conceive again i know people who have conceived at a later stage in their life so don't loose hope. talk to your husband about it but if he still insists he want"t nothing to do with having more kids, then leave it at that maybe your husband just doesn't want more kids full stop.

        3) There are some men in this world who get married just for fun, but don't want to have any kids. some say it's because they don't like kids, but claim that "if" they were ever to conceive their wives by "accident" they will take full responsibility in being a father to the child(ren). maybe just maybe your husband is one of them, which may explain why he doesn't want to expand the family further, not to be insulting but it could be a possibility. though he may be a great father, the idea of having to raise and care for more kids for the rest of his life may feel like a death sentence to him.

        4) Talk to an imam about this or someone your husband always listens to to see if they could be of any help, don't hold anything back let the imam know how you truly feel. hopeful he could help you convince your husband about why having more children may not be a bad idea after all.

        5 )I wish you the best of luck in your marital life and your conceiving more children in the future.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Depending on where you live in the world, 2 children may seem a small family or seem quite a big family. In many Western countries, 2 children is a normal sized family. In China, a normal family size would be 1 child. It's all a matter of perspective.

    But what matters is that you and your children are happy and healthy. Even if you look at your life now and wonder "should we have had more children?", always remember to thank Allah for blessing you with two children and a loving family.

    There are some schools of thought that having a smaller family can mean each child has more quality time with their parents and with any siblings, so can potentially develop some skills more quickly. There are pros and cons to every situation.

    Rather than ruminating on the past, celebrate the present. You have a husband and children, you are inshaAllah in good health and in a stable situation. These are things many people would be desperate for. While you may look back and wish you had more children, you and your husband made decisions about your family size based on reasons that were important to you both at the time. It's easy for us to look back and see things we would have done differently, but we need to think about whether these were the right choices at the time, given the information available to us then.

    Another thing to consider is that, at 39, you aren't automatically too old to have more children. There are many women conceiving and giving birth naturally in their 40s. While there are some added health risks, it's not impossible, so it's still an option inshaAllah. And remember the account of Zakariyah (peace be upon him) and his wife - by the grace of Allah, they were blessed with a child late in life. If Allah wills something, it will be.

    May Allah bless you and your family with health and happiness, and keep you all on the straight path.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Jazzakullah for your reply. We live in UK and yes the evironment played its role as well. I agree with you to be grateful for what I have rather than what if or could it.
      I am still very much willing to have another baby if Allah wills IA. My husband although still does not agree but its Allah who decides who will come and when.
      Once again thanks for taking the time to answer and put my mind at ease. May Allah SWT reward you for the service and counselling you are providing. Ameen

  3. Focus on being grateful for what you have. There are women who are desperate for just one child but can't have kids, and families with children who are sick or physically or mentally challenged. You have two happy healthy kids, so thank Allah for them. Also, there's nothing wrong with your husband wanting to limit the number of kids he has, and it certainly doesn't suggest he has another family! Yes Allah provides for everyone but we also have to be responsible and not take on more than what is reasonable for us to afford. You wouldn't buy a second house and just assume that Allah will provide you with enough money to keep it. Similarly, if your husband recognizes that more than two kids is just more than he can comfortably handle financially, the responsible thing for him to do is to limit himself to two kids. So don't have any regrets and by happy with all the blessings Allah has bestowed upon you.

    • Thanks for your reply. It really makes a lot of sense if someone else puts it into words. I agree to whatever my Husband says. But I guess my heart will always long for a little one! Two kids We have are a big blessings from Allah SWT that comes with even bigger responsibilities. Thats takes time, energy and money to fulfill. I pray to Allah to guide us to His path and also forgive us if we have made the wrong decision about this Ameen.

  4. OP: My question is that have I or us both have made a big mistake for limiting our kids? How do I get rid of this guilt? This feeling is not letting me enjoy my kids and life.

    Well if you can't enjoy your 2 kids now, what makes you think having more kids will make you enjoy.
    Do yoiu use birth control?

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    In general, I have found that this world wasn't built to make us feel content or rather, our hearts never seem to be content. Ironically, this thought has given me much content. It may help you as well.

    Some of have given good advice above so hopefully you are feeling better about this, inn shaa Allah.

    May Allah swt help you to feel content and help us all to focus on what we have, Ameen.

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