Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I make my father understand? and why do I have no say in my future?

no one listening, no one listens

I am a 30 year old Pakistani girl and have been with someone for two years we have met several times face to face and over the 2 years our feelings for each other are getting stronger. He lives in another country and I live in the UK.

The problem is that I mentioned to my family a year ago that I wanted to get married to this man (he's an Arab) but they cannot come over the cultural differences and how the community would perceive them. I have asked my father  many occasions to speak to him and he's refused, he wants nothing to do with it.

I have asked myself the question if it is worth it and if it's the right thing to do. Each time I find myself back to the same question why can't I marry him? I am attracted to him physically and emotionally, he has good deen and I know he will try his best to make my family happy and make it work, but my family are adamant that we do not mix with other cultures we have to stick to our own.

I'm becoming a very bitter person and have nothing positive to look forward in my life, sometimes I wish my parents had arranged my marriage when I was 25 yrs but they did nothing then and now that I find someone I have to let him go, because they can't accept.

Recently I asked my mother what is that you don't like about the person and her answer was that how will the society look at us, she believes that we would be degrading ourselves.

They keep saying to me that a proposal of marriage should come from the man himself and the girls family should not make no proposal, but if they are not willing to speak to him over the telephone then how can he do this? He made the proposal to me and I broke the news to my family and later he wanted to speak to them, but my father is being stubborn and refuses.

I have asked him to come to the UK to meet my family, even though its not an easy process to get a visa he's trying and asked for me to be patient, except my father keeps saying it takes 3 months, but I have tried to explain that sometimes things can take longer, this is now out of my hands and his hands and we just pray that he can get visa. My father doesn't want to wait no more and is telling me that I should go and do what I like, even though I am tempted to go there and get married I know that I can't do nothing without the consent of my father.

I know this. I cannot marry anyone else not while I feel strong feelings for another Muslim, it wouldn't be fair on the other person because I know myself, I would end up resenting them and wishing for another life, so on that  I have asked my family until the end of Ramadan, after that I will have 2 choices 2 make

1. to leave my family house and live on my own

2. go and get married (without the consent of my father)

Either way I know they both are not advisable for any Muslim girl, so what can I do? I can't make someone come to the UK in matter of weeks and marry me, even though I'm willing to wait for as long it takes but my family think its a race to get me married. What do I do? and can I ask an imam to be a mediator with my family?

- sameena

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6 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum sister..
    I see tat u dont have many options, and the one u do have ur parents will not listen to u. Plus ur worried that u r ageing like the rest of us and u don't want to wait more, for u don't wanna become so old. I have few questions for u. U do know that Arab man are tough right? Verbally and physically... R u sure that he is not marrying u because he want UK documents? And Arab men usually do polygamy, have more than one wife. Would u b okay with tat? Considering ur age, r u sure he truly truly loves u? When u guys do get married, r u willing to Live in his hometown?
    If u already thought of that and are still willing to go ahead with this, it will b up to u. U are legal of age to b makin ur own decisions. We can only tell u, of the troubles that might lie ahead. Allah surely has a match for everyone. Believe in Him and He shall not let u down. Inshallah everything will wrk out for u.

    • BeAl, please don't make generalizations. I am an Arab man, and I am not "tough" verbally and physically. Many Arab men are very kind, very generous. As far as polygamy, it's not correct to say that Arab men "usually" do polygamy. It's actually quite rare. Among all the Arabs I know personally, I do not know a single one with a polygamous marriage. If any one of them took a second wife he would be scorned by the community.

      Wael Editor

      • Sorry brother wael, I forgot to write "some" Arab men. And that also goes for other races as well. I do know tat not everyone is tough, and abuse their wives physically and verbally. My apology. But I was just letting sister sameena know that this man might consider polygamy since it is legal in Islam, plus also considering her age. Just want her to b careful. And live a happy life. I would regret it if we didn't mention all this and God forgives this sister might have to come back here after marrying this man with another question. As I wouldn't want her to go thru more drama in her life. So sister sameena please don't worry about ur age, for its only a number, and if its meant to b it shall happen. My apology once again if I offended anyone.

  2. Salaams Sameena,

    I agree with the sentiments that BeAl expresses. This guy may well simply want to live in the UK. Don't be so eager to get into a marriage just because you feel the clock is ticking. (You mentioned, you wish your parents arranged somethhing when you were 25).

    I believe if something has come about through not following correct procedures, it is likely to result in many difficulties. You say you have met this guy face to face several times and developed some kind of relationship already. As you now have an emotional attachment as well as being attracted to him. However, how can a genuine relationship develop when you are both in different countries? This is a form of dating, which is not permitted as you know.

    Also, even though your parents are against it for the wrong reasons- the usual cultural prejudice, this is not good for you either. Are you willing to marry a man who you really know nothing about for sure, at the risk of losing your family? Also why are his parents rather than him not contacting your parents?

    I know a foolish woman who pursued a successful career and put off various marraige proposals. She suddenly realised she left marriage too late. So she rushed into marrying an arab guy who was much younger than her. He was quiet, respectful, prayed etc. But once he got to the UK, he became a monster and was hooking up with other girls and insulting this woman as being to old, calling her ugly and even physically attacked her. She is now divorcing after only lasting a year or so, and left with metal plates in her arm after it was broken. Though she managed to deport him.

    I think you should accept that this is not really the best thing for you to do. You would have a lot to lose. But it's up to you of course. Try to look beyond this attachment you have for this guy and try to be objective.



  3. Hi sameena

    In my country and culture there was a huge divide caused by a occupieing force who orcistraited a devide between two sections of our religion, for many many years two sections of our socioty lived in compleet oppostion with each other. for the sake of my point I will not mention my culture or religion but let's call the devided sides a colour my religion would be blue and the others red, now for years a visious war was fought by people of the same cultue and heritage some cases even the same blood fought bitterly due to one being red and another being blue
    nowadays that conflict has subsided a great deal and many of us are decndants of those who put aside there religious and
    cultural differance in the pursuit of love, at the time a relationship between a blue and a red was frowned apon by many people in socioty and the people in the relationship would suffer persicution and shame in there community but! Their sacrifices in the persuit of love paved the way for my socioty to be more tolerent and accepting of blue and red differances and has created a more peacful enviorment in wich I have grown up in and am thankful for my final statement is that god no matter what your religion represents love and beauty and your persuit of love would be blessed by your god. Just make sure that you truely love him and that he is being truthful before you sacrifice anything

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