Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I speak to my mum about getting married?

love non muslim

As-salamu alaykum,

I'm 19 years old and earlier this year met a guy who I kind of fell for right from the start, he's the kind of guy I know my mum would love me to be with as he practises Islam and is very quiet, he respects women and I have never heard him say a bad thing about anyone.

Since talking to him I have changed in a lot of ways, one is that I have been praying a lot more regularly and tried so hard not to miss any, even if I have college or work, I  still pray in prayer rooms. I have become a lot calmer and argue a lot less. and help around the house a lot more.

We have both been talking since then and admitted that we both have feelings for each other, as his parents are back home, he told his aunty about me, who is really keen on meeting me.

We have both been talking and want to get married because we don't like feeling guilty of talking behind our parents backs, I know that I am ready for marriage. The only thing is I'm too scared to tell my mum that I have found someone I want to marry as I come from a really religious and strict family. The only thing we have done is talk to each other behind our parents back, but I still don't know what to do. I really want to marry him, and live a happy life with him with the blessing of Allah, my family and his. I just don't know how to approach my mum, I can't keep talking to him behind her back because I can't take the guilt.

I really don't know what to do, as I want to keep my mum happy but I really do feel that this guy is the one I want to marry, not because of how I feel about him but because I feel he has brought me so much closer to Allah since we met.

I have never felt this way towards anyone, I don't usually talk to guys but with him I felt something straight from the start as corny as it sounds. I am the kind of girl who keeps herself to herself. I do practise Islam quite strictly as I have been influenced by my parents, so I would never cross my limits with anyone.

My family don't think that I should get married until I have finished uni and my education but I feel that getting married is more important to me.

Don't get me wrong, we haven't been "dating" or anything the only thing we have been doing is just talking on the phone and texts, I know that's still wrong but that is as far as it has gone.

Please help me! I know I've done wrong for speaking to this guy behind my parents back so please don't remind me I feel really guilty about it all the time.

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3 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaikum. I am just 1yr younger than you are. I think what you should do is, trust Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. If this guy is the right guy for you and you are going to marry him, then Wallahi sister, no human or any creation can stop that but if this guy is not your husband, then even if your mum accepts him, no creation can make it happen. I say that you should pray istihara for a week or so and go straight with confidence to your mum. Allah is the most powerful! Ma'assalam.

  2. Salaams,

    Needless to say, if you are already feeling the guilt and conviction of the contact you've had with this guy behind your mother's back so far, you must go ahead and tell her what's going on. You are not going to earn any points with her by continuing to correspond with him without her knowledge, just because you are afraid.

    I read your post a few times and you mention your parents being strict, but you also mention that the guy you're interested in has an upstanding character and has only helped your deen. What are you afraid of as far as their response? It sounds to me like he is exactly the kind of man they would have for you. If it's just an issue of them wanting you to wait until after you finish your studies before you have the wedding, this is something that can be accomodated. If you are reasonably sure that you can keep things within boundaries, postpone the wedding out of respect for them and ensure that all correspondence takes place under their supervision. This is especially important if you want to spend time together in person, do it in the presence of your respective families and this will also give the parents the opportunity to get to know the both of you better and will help enlist their support for your marriage.

    If, on the other hand, you feel that waiting until school is finished is too long and that the temptation to sin will be too great, you should be frank with your parents about this. Any loving parent is going to want the best for their child, and it seems like it should be a small tradeoff to reluctantly bump up the wedding date then put a daughter in a tenuous situation that might be her downfall. The bottom line is, it's time to start having a serious discussion with your parents. Most young people (guys and girls alike) find having the "I'm ready to get married" talk with their parents as very stressful, so please know you are not alone in this. He may be going through the same thing, too! Nevertheless, take some time to think about how you want to bring this up and even jot down some notes to help you when you approach them to discuss this matter.

    Insha'Allah your parents will be more reasonable and supportive than you expected, so keep an open mind and don't start off with a defense. Take these first steps as far as breaking the ice with them, and once you get a better guage of where their thoughts and feelings are, you can then determine what things to focus on as these marriage discussions continue. I hope insha'Allah everything works out for the best for you!

    -Amy Editor

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