Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I stop being a people pleaser?

Allah Knows who you are

Allah Knows who you are

Assalamu alaikum, Hope you guys doing well and may Allah swt give you all goodness.

I am 20 year old girl, who have always been shy ever since i was little, as I have grown up, i have become more and more withdrawn from people. I have no social skills and I find very hard talking to people. I dont even talk to my big sister because she does not understand me and we always fight eachother and we have stopped talking and i feel gulity because i think i am breaking family ties, but i just cant get my self to talk to her because i find very awkward to do so.

In class everyone finds me nice because i always being nice to people and that makes look like people pleasing person, which i am and i want to stop doing that, but how can i stop doing that?.

I am not very good at writing english because english is not my first languge. My life has always been hard and not very easy when it comes school and i always end changing or dropping out of school. i have been lonely since for ever and i am tired of it, i just want friends WHO like me for me and i want mature person because of my Conflict Avoidering personality, which i hate. i think my bestfriend is trying to avoid me, she treats me nice and she is friendly with me still but our friendship is not the same as before and i sometimes envy her because she has everything i ever wish for but i do not want her loss her Blessing.

I feel like i have no one but allah swt´, but then Again my real thing with allah swt is not very strong, i used to sin a lot. sometimes when make a mistakes or sin i start to hate myself and i think i am going to hell. PLEASE MAKE DUA FOR ME


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2 Responses »

  1. Wa Alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh Sister,

    First of all, you should know that being shy is a good thing in Islam. it is even a great ni'mah that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Bestows over whomever He Wishes amongst His servants. As narrated by Hazrat Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him): The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:

    "Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And shyness (e.g. self-respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.) is a part of faith." (Bukhari)

    So do not do away with it--but be grateful to Allah for it, and manage it. Perhaps what you need to do is to work on your communication and writing skills--and the best way to achieve this is to seek a professional help, and benefit from some useful techniques.

    Also, you do not need to stop being nice to everyone in class, as being nice to them is "charity", and the least of it is to put a smile on your face for them. As in Fiqhus-Sunnah, Volume 3, Number 98:

    "The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Charity is prescribed for each descendant of Adam every day the sun rises." He was then asked: "From what do we give charity every day?" The Prophet answered: "The doors of goodness are many...enjoining good, forbidding evil, removing harm from the road, listening to the deaf, leading the blind, guiding one to the object of his need, hurrying with the strength of one's legs to one in sorrow who is asking for help, and supporting the feeble with the strength of one's arms--all of these are charity prescribed for you." He also said: "Your smile for your brother is charity."

    The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) also said:

    "Every act of goodness is charity." - Sahih Muslim, Hadith 496.

    "The believer's shade on the Day of Resurrection will be his charity." - Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 604.

    The root of niceness is deep down somewhere in your heart. Find it, expand it, and attach all acts of niceness to it. For it is indeed a great treasure Allah Subhanahu Wata'ala Has Placed in you.

    Perhaps, another thing you need to do (to help you balance things) is to practice on how to politely say "NO" to everyone when you feel it is really "NO", regardless of whom they are, and how to go against everyone when they go against Allah and His Messenger, and then feel okay after it. The best way to achieve this is to strengthen your relationship with Allah, and find your identity in His guidance. And know that, the utmost goal of your entire life is to please Him "Allah" Alone, and to achieve His Love and Pleasure--this is the reality of servitude to Allah. If you live to please people (family, friends or colleagues), you will always be disappointed, but if you live to please Allah Alone, you will never be disappointed--this is an important fact.

    Hope these few words help you in someway inshaAllah. And Allah is The Highest, and He Knows best.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Alhamdulillah you've received some excellent advice from Br Issah.

    If you feel that you need to work on improving your social skills, it may be worth speaking with your school's guidance counsellor or your form tutor - inshaAllah they should be able to point you towards helpful resources (books, classes, even online videos). You might want to pick up a copy of a book on assertiveness training - a popular one is "When I say No, I feel guilty", but I'm not sure whether translations are available for that - maybe check on a booksellers' website under 'assertiveness training' and see what they have in a language you feel comfortable reading.

    If you're worried about your sister being upset with you, one option would be to write her a letter to explain that you do love her and want to have a good relationship with her, but you find it hard to talk with people in person. That way she'll be aware that you care and want to be there for her. You could also find other ways to show people that you care about them, like helping them with jobs, making them a cup of tea when they look stressed, asking if they want anything from the shops if you're going out... The little things can add up and help demonstrate that someone is important to you.

    Midnightmoon editor

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