Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I stop being so distressed about his past? I want to marry him.

depressed girl woman

Salaam everyone,

My parents have found a rishta for me, we are family friends so I have known the  guy all my life. I have feelings for him and would like to marry him. He is a good muslim and he likes me too, we're both 24.

The problem is that since I know him from chilhood I know everything about his past. When he was 14 he had a short relationship with a girl, they didn't have sex but they have kissed.

Now, because I haven't done anything like that before as I was saving myself for my husband I feel really upset, also I have read online that people make a big deal out of their first love and first kiss and some even say that the butterflies they got when they had their first kiss were the best.

I want to be the best for my husband but it feels like some other girl has taken that away from me and he won't feel all that with me 🙁  He actually told he got butterflies when he kissed her so that just makes me feel worse.

It sounds irrational but the thought is actually driving me mad...why couldn't he wait?  I really want to marry him because we get along so well since childhood  and I don't think I'll be happy with anyone else, even our parents are happy. what can I do to stop having negative thoughts about his past and to stop being jealous of what he did? Please help?


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17 Responses »

  1. OP: what can I do to stop having negative thoughts about his past and to stop being jealous of what he did? Please help?

    When the thought comes......just imagine your friend kissing a big fat girl......buterrflies flying in his stomach. Start thinking about having fun with him after marriage.

    • Your reply is offenssive on so many level. It's making a ridicule out of women's difficult feelings towards men's sexual pasts, and it's at the same time extremely offenssive towards women who have weight issues. Why would it make this sister feel better to know her husband have kissed a FAT girl? Are women automatically unsexual, ugly, worthless, of no importance and undesirable if they are fat? I'm so sick and tired of idiotic men like you who judge women on their weight.

      As a woman, I shall from now on judge men on how FAT, UGLY, HAIRY and BALD they are.

      • I think SVS is a woman, I'm pretty sure SVS said in another comment on a post that the person is a woman

        • If that's the case, then that's even more atrocious. Women should, of all beings, be the ones to understand one another.

          She or he doesn't "sound" female, though...

          • SVS,

            Assalam Aleykoum,

            "When the thought comes......just imagine your friend kissing a big fat girl"

            This comment is really disturbing.

            Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quiet, and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (or insult) his neighbor..." Sahih Bukhari: Volume 8, Book 76, Number 482.

            You once commented very harshly on my post and by the grace of Allah SWT the editors deleted it but not before I read it. Be kind, thoughtful and constructive with your words InshaAllah. When people post on here, they are usually hurt and seeking emotional support, not getting bashed.

          • Totally agree, I have noticed that his/her comments do not do anything for the OP to take as Naseehah. It usually contains criticisms albeit non constructive ones, harsh judgement and very personal questions.

          • Come on guys lets not drift away from original topic and go personal.
            Every one here is trying to help OP. And I commend every one for this effort and time.Only she knows which advice is going to click her.

            I was always afraid of reciting my lessons in front of class room. My mothers advice was that I should just pretend all kids in class room are sheeps and that way I will not be afraid any more.

            Same way I got bullied in school and again the advice was that pretend bullying people are mad dogs or bulls and it is habit of those animals to hurt every one.
            Right or wrong advices? I don't know but helped me .
            I have read many psychology books and one of way to over come bad thoughts are to replace them with something different.
            Peace guys, you all have good intentions.

        • Asim: I think SVS is a woman, I'm pretty sure SVS said in another comment on a post that the person is a woman.

          You are also sure. For your kind information I am a man.

      • Please read my response and question I responded to again. That was just a suggestion to deal with her negative thoughts; My response was not about judging any one..

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Brother, this is absolutely ridiculous.

      Whether the girl was fat, thin, anywhere in between, purple with yellow polka dots all over... is irrelevant. The key issue here is thinking about how the original poster can work through her distress and whether she can feel comfortable with marriage to a brother who she knows has kissed someone else.

      Unlike in movies and magazines, women and men come in all shapes and sizes, and that's absolutely fine - it doesn't mean some people are less deserving of respect than others, or that it's ok to make fun of people because of how they look.

      The world today is full of messages to men and women that physical appearance is vital in how "worthy" we are, how we need to look a certain way, change our body shapes... It's superficial and pointless - the time and effort spent on these things could be better spent working on our deen and character. It's also very damaging for young men and women to be exposed to these pressures - you only have to look at the numbers of young people subjecting themselves to unnecessary cosmetic surgery or developing eating disorders, to see how much distress this causes.

      Midnightmoon editor

      P.S. "Start thinking about having fun with him after marriage"... Seriously? Marriage is about far more than "having fun". She needs to think about this guy's deen and character, and whether they would be able to create a home and a life together - this isn't a decision that can be made based on fantasies about intimacy after marriage. Thinking too much about "having fun" with him could lead to her becoming overly invested in the proposal and less able to look at the important issues objectively.

  2. Just want to say leylani that the person svs is very rude and bad for saying something like that and I am a 20 year old guy. Who does not appreciate what he has said about a supposed big fat lady. And yeah I understand that women's pain. She is feeling about thr guy. She has not mentioned anything about telling him her feelings though since teenage years or more. How could he spend his life with her of have feelings for her If he doesn't know. And once again I want to say it was bad what svs said about supposed fat ugly women. And many people prefer big or small sized ppl. Everyone has differences in likes

  3. Hello Whitejasmine..

    I can understand what you are going through but believe me its not true that he will not be getting those colorful butterflies again..Infact he will get a dinosaur jumping on his stomach after your marriage and what not..
    Dont drive yourself mad rather think about your future. And also make it clear to him that these caterpillar or whatever butterfly stories are making you uncomfortable.. Since you two get along good he will understand. May Allah SWT brings happiness in your current situation and bless you guys with a happy married life.

  4. People say that it is very hard to forget first TRUE love. That kind of love is extremely rare. Your fiancé at age of 14 didnot have anything even close to TRUE love.
    Don't let these past things ruin your happy future. I agree with ferouze that you let your fiancé know that any mention of past girl makes you uncomfortable and should not be brought up again. She was not important so don't give her that much importance.
    Talking about unpleasant past things again and again do not let people move forward and mend hearts.

  5. Sister Assalamualaikum Warahamtullahi Wabarakaatuhu,

    All this story about the first kiss being the unforgettable, feeling butterflies etc is utter Bull S**t. It is by no means an exaggeration from the Movie culture.

    You know Allah has kept a blessing and sweetness in Halaal which will never be found in Haraam even if there were a thousand first kisses. You know that saying that Shaytaan makes haraam tasty while it is slow poison that will destroy you and make you feel empty inside.

    Trust me sister, your first kiss with your husband will be awesome and memorable and he will tell you that the butterflies were doing summersaults while juggling cupids in his stomach :-).

    Sister Halaal has something divine about it, that you can never experience in a haraam relationship. I have seen both sides and I first thing I told my wife is that, I thought I had experienced love and what it means to be in love but being in halaal love is in a leage of its own and the haraam pales in comparison.

    Sister Jelousy will destroy your marraige, keep that in mind, unless you have the power to change his past don't build a monument for your husbands ex and torture yourself.

    if you understood that that marriage is a means not the goal, your goal is Allah and the means is marriage to reach him. Your marriage should take you to Allah and your focus should be on how you are going to reach him through your husband and how you are going to be a reason for your husband to attain his closeness to Allah.

    When you have this attitude in your marriage all this would seem trivial.
    May Allah give you all the pleasures and joy of marriage and may make your husband the one who carries you to Jannah and makes you the Queen of his palaces in Jannah.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    I can understand why this past relationship could concern you - he had inappropriate contact with this girl, and has described it in ways that have upset you. We are told not to approach zina, so it's understandable that this behaviour would be something you need to consider.

    I suppose the first thing to consider is: Has he repented? This is important because it shows whether he recognises that what he did was inappropriate, and whether he has changed his ways since then. People make mistakes, sometimes big ones, but if a person realises they've done so and then changes and repents, we should try to forgive them. Allah is Most Merciful, so we should try not to hold a repentant person's past against them.

    The butterflies and first kiss stuff is from movies. True love comes with shared respect and experiences, within marriage between two people who commit to building a life together. He may have felt butterflies in his stomach when he kissed her, sure. People also feel butterflies in their stomach before exams, when they're waiting for something nice to happen, when they're being told off, etc. It's not something that only happens once - it's part of a person's response to excitement and anxiety. Don't worry about trying to compete with this girl - I can pretty much guarantee that a halal relationship between two committed and loving people is going to be far more significant than a teenage crush.

    I'd advise that you think about this guy's deen and character, consider whether he has repented for this past mistake, and whether you feel able to trust him and build a life with him. Then, pray istikhara (maybe read the articles on this website) and trust in Allah to guide you to what is right for you in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Dear Whitejasmin,

      Please follow the advice of Midnightmoon and Helpless Slave. I've personally found them very elaborate, and I - myself- have gone through something similar as well (I'm 26 year-old guy), and repentance is all that should matter at the end of the day.

      BELIEVE ME God doeS NOT MAKE BARAKA (blessing) in something Haram, He subhannu never did and in fact will never do, so the butterflies he will get from you will make him and you forget about anything else, That is shaytan causing you to worry because you're about to accomplish half of your deen, shaytan doesn't want you to be happy, doesn't want you to accomplish and fulfill your mission and the minor little things your'e asked to do, so would you assume it will remain helpless watching you build your halfdeen ? shaytan will do its best for you to worry, to be sad, to influence your decision.., it's not a war against butterflies, it is a war against evil..., trust Allah because what Allah has is much better than what that teenage girl had or anyone else....,

      I wish next time you post something here, it will have to do with you getting married to your dream man inshAllah. I wish you the best.

  7. 14 years of age.....
    Girl he was just a kid and kids make mistakes.
    If u knw him and trust him that he didnt had sex with her then forget about that kiss.
    Nuhting can replace love of a wife and it gets stronger when that love becomes mother of ur child. So dont worry about that kiss. Mistakes happen.

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