Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How Can I Stop Zina Without Hurting Her?

Man saying dua

I am a 22 year old man who embraced Islam as my deen when I was 19 years old. I was raised in a Christian home with very good Christian values by a single mother. One of these values was not to commit unlawful sexual intercourse. I kept the Christian life until the age of 18. After I graduated, I found a job and met a Muslim woman with hijjab, properly dressed, and very respectful mashallah. I fell in love with her from the first time I saw her. From there we embarked into a relationship that came to an end about 15 days ago, after so many changes.

MY GUILT: In the beginning I introduced her to the secular life which she was so foreign to. A lifestyle of partying, smoking and eventually unlawful sex. After several months I was no longer interested in this life, I only wanted to spend time with her and get to know her more. We were clear to each other that marriage was a must in our goals. She was afraid to introduce me to her parents as a non Muslim guy. We decided to keep it on the low for a while. In this process she taught me about Islam, the pillars, how to do wuduh, prayer process, her culture, language, etc. Eventually I got to meet her parents in an embarrassing situation which I would rather not disclose.

Some time later I sat with her and her mom and I talked to them both, but I did not talk to the father due to his anger. The mother felt like she couldn't do anything about our relationship other than disapproving and praying that her daughter find the right path. In my mid 19th year, Allah SW had mercy on me and I embraced Islam. It seemed that I wanted to pull away from my old lifestyle, but she showed more interest in that which I had lost interest in. I wanted to start praying, but she wanted to go out. I wanted to attend Jumaa Prayer, but she wanted to go on a trip. I did it all to make her happy. I did what I could to keep her next to me, but felt guilty inside.

Over the course of 3 years I have attempted to stop, do tobba and start on the right foot if it's possible, but she would deny me. I didn't want to leave her; I didn't want to be alone. She was there everyday, so I thought I couldn't live without her.  As time went by things got pretty bad and she started changing. I became more focused on my future and stopped the trips and long night hangouts. She wanted those things, and the lifestyle that I had introduced her to. I denied her and in return she would blame me for not being loving.

Throughout these years I have been conscious of  the punishments for this sin and how shaitan beautifies sin. I hear a brother say that shaitan beautifies the person you are committing this sin with, but when you marry her shaitan changes plans to now show the real face and works on separating the marriage. I also heard that to love someone for the sake of Allah SW is the best love, and that is what I want for her and for me in return. She is going through some tough times with school and work, and we argue often lately.

So 15 days ago I stopped talking and went to the mosque. Without telling her, I did Tobba and asked Allah SW for forgiveness and started praying my five prayers Alhamdulillah. Days later she comes to my home and is upset because I don't greet her with a hug and kiss like I used to. I was not touching her because I would be breaking the promise I made to Allah SW. I explained to her and told her about my choice. She called me selfish, and that I wasted her time and played with her. She made me feel bad, but I know I have made the right decision.

My Dilemma: I make Dua that Allah SW changes her heart and one day we can be married the halal way. I am afraid she might go even more astray, and meet someone who hurts her. I am afraid she might be depressed. I am afraid she might hate me when I still love her. I would feel really bad if something bad happens to her. What can I do to bring her back to the path of Allah SW? Can I talk to her? Is there anything from my part that I can do to ensure her safety?

JazakalaKhair,

-joehuarniz

لسَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

 

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37 Responses »

  1. Salam Aleykoum Brother.

    I will give an solution, and i do believe that our sisters and brothers will agree with me.
    Just marry her in the hallal way. If i had read well your post, their parents rejected you because you wasn't muslim and because you did not hallal stuffs with her.

    So now, just go to see her parents and ask for her permission to marry her. If they agree then you can marry her in the mosquee even if you don't live together. You only need her father's (wali) permission and marry her following the islamic rules. (Just an advice: Don't mix tradition with religion and be careful with it).

    After your marriage, be pedagogue with her. It's not enough to forbid deeds to people if it's not in a pedagogue way. Specially in Western and European countries

    Salam Brother may Allah be with you and i'm sure He is.

    Good luck;
    Silver99

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    welcome to Islam. now in short to answer your question, you say, you are afraid if something bad, depress etc happens to her? if you really want to be with her, why don't you get married if you can? since you are a Muslim.

    also you have to realize and understand. no one can guide anyone to the path of truth except by Allah(swt) wills, and no one can lead anyone astray except by Allah(swt) wills.

    so its not your duty to be a keeper over her, nor what you do will benefit or harm except by Allah's permission. it seems to me it will be a good idea to go separate ways, why? she is trying to deviate you from worshipping Allah(swt). pray to Allah(swt) to guide her and just leave it at that.

    ma salama..

  3. Salaams,

    I'm going to answer this post according to a personal belief I have. If this belief is wrong, that's something Allah will have to show me. But here is my view: people who are sincerly trying to be submissive to Islam and Allah are not easily corruptable.

    I'm not saying that people can't be corrupted. It's much easier to pull someone down than to pull someone up, and it does happen. What I am saying is, there are a couple of important features of someone who's really striving that separates them from the rest. The first is that they will do anything to avoid a situation that could potentially work against them. The second is, if they find themselves in that type of state or situation, they will be relieved and glad to get helped out of it.

    I wanted to say all that first because what I see in this girl is NOT that. I think there's a chance that you are taking more responsibility than you actually have in the situation, and you're trying to fix something that you might not have totally broken.

    Consider this, if she was truly on her deen, she would NOT have even looked at you (as a non-Muslim) as an option. Even if you expressed interest in her, she would've politely rejected you and felt uncomfortable being friendly or familiar with you, let alone foster a relationship with you. Her taqwa wouldn't have allowed her to let things go as far as they did before you converted.

    On top of that, if she was truly working toward obedience to Allah, then when you did convert and try to bring things back to where they should be she would've been RELIEVED and COMPLIANT. But she wasn't. She wanted to go out and be out in the dunya even more.

    I'm sorry to say, brother, but if that was not already in her heart before she met you to some degree, then meeting you wouldn't have provided that perfect opportunity for her to satisfy her nafs. Getting involved with you was just her first step on that path which she likely already was starting on before she even knew you.

    I say all that to quell your fears that she may go astray and what could happen to her if she gets farther along on her path. Brother, she was already on that path. She MET you on that path she was already on! If she wasn't already traveling that way, your place in her life would've never manifested.

    You have already done all the right things. You've made tawba to Allah and gotten your life back in the order it needs to be in. She needs to do the same, but you can't do that for her. She may not have the same intentions and sincerity you do. Trust me that when it comes to marriage, something that may seem to start out small in that regard can become the biggest barrier to true connection with your spouse. She has to get her life right for herself, and she has to do that separately from you, from her heart. It may very well be that you've been spared from something that could've been very bad for you with her. Allah truly knows what is best for us.

    Leave her in Allah's hands. He's the only One who knows where she's headed and how to protect her. She wasn't seeking refuge in Him when she met you, and she's not seeking refuge with Him now. Until she does, no one can protect her from what Allah knows can happen. Make sincere dua for her to find her way back to the true practice of Islam, and that Allah changes her heart back to one of pure sincerity.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Hello Editor,

      I have read your reply what you have sent to this guy, i have the same question as its a growing decease among youngsters and i don't see anyone getting rid off within sort span of time except Allah wish, so my question is regarding it is:
      Q1. what's the punishment in Islam, on the day of judgement?
      Q2. Any Ayat have to recit just to avoid such mistakes nowadays?
      Q3. I know that Istagfurrallah is the best solution of all such sin, how much time i should i recit just for forgiveness and stop such sin in future?
      Q4. If than too we continue with such sin than suggest me what's the best solution ahead?
      Q5. Does this Sin harms our Destiny (Goodness ahead) or her's by continuing such sin....???

      Sayeed

      • Salaams,

        no one can know what they or anyone else will be punished with or not punished with on the Day of Judgment. That's not something anyone can answer for you. And I'm not one to pick out certain ayats (I don't even know the Qu'ran that well to do so) for reciting, but I can say that daily reciting of any Qur'an is a safeguard against sin and bad character. So is asking astghfar and saying durood on Prophet Muhammad SAWS. I can't tell you (and I don't think anyone else can) tell you how many times to say 'astaghfirullah'. It seems to me that no amount can be too much, eh? And when it comes to sin, there's always the chance it can result in negative consequences that impact our futures in big or small ways. That potential in itself is enough to try to do whatever one can to avoid it.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • salaam Amy. you so conveniently pass a judgement on someones faith and emaan and pass a verdict that she was already on the path of destruction and this young man just happened to be there !

      remember she is a young girl and was approached by this young man not in a pub! this world is full of temptation ..... temptation that can lure anyone.... me,you anyone.

      no one can claim that they can never be tempted and fall into sin. do you think adam and Hawa were already on the path of destruction and just happened to meet saytan !

      very disappointing reply from you and very judgemental of you. or may be you have forgotten how it is to be a teen and be tempted by everyyhing!

      brother,welcome to islam. your guilt is right but to continue doing sins is not. you stopping the sin on your own is good but not telling her that its not her thats putting you off isnt.

      she is a human being with feelings. she helped you see the light of islam. tell her that. tell her what attractes you towards her in the first place. and how much you want her to be like she was. as thatvis the way you love her. tell her you love her and as much as you want to be with her bit you want BOTH of you. to observe the limits. what you are doing just now seems like a selfish attempt from you from her eyes.

      its like if you still wanted to follow the life style you did and she said to you she cannot be part of it anymore.... what will you think ? she has suddenly decided to be pious when she was equally participant in sins till yesterday.

      iam not encouraging sin but iam encouraging an honest dialogue.

      get married to her! it is difficult with dad hating you but which dad wont if the found out that their daughter was led stray by this man. you have work very hard to convince him through your actions. i suggest dont go and see him yourself. masjids imaam may be a good reference to begin with.
      my duas for you my brother.

      • Salaams,

        There are several ways of judging people. There is a judging that determines some people better than others, that comes from ego and nafs. Then there's the type of judgment we make to determine where a person is at in their life. If we never made any type of judgment about anyone, we would trust everyone equally, and deal with everyone without any caution or reservation. Every post that's been answered on this site has been based on a judgment of the situation, which is merited when it comes to giving advice.

        In the beginning of my post I clarified the view upon which I assessed this young man's situation. I agree with you that anyone can fall into temptation, and all of us do in our own way. However, all sin is not equally tempting to all people. I guess it's possible that this girl was just really, really weak for dunya- but even in that case she should've taken extra care to avoid any situations that would lead her astray. EVEN THEN, if she was weak, I suspect she would've been glad to have someone strong (the OP) to help her back out of the pit.

        We know each other by our fruits. How else would we know who to take as friends or close companions? Do we say all Muslims are equally deeni? No, of course not. I'm not saying there's not a possibility I saw this (or any situation) incorrectly. That can happen to anyone anytime, especially when we only have limited information to work with. The OP is free to take all the feedback he gets and choose his course with the guidance of Allah based on what he knows best about his situation, in shaa Allah.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Salam. I agree partly with you. This girl had a weak heart and was tempted by him. To be frank, we all have weak hearts. This guy says he introduced her to ' secular life'. Even now he is not admitting it was Haram life. How much effort did he make to bring her to the so called 'secular life'? Did he double the effort to bring her back to Islamic life after he became a Muslim? This girl was wearing Hijab but still easily fell prey to him. My humble opinion is If the heart is not covered by Imaan, hijab covering the body will not help you. Despite living in a haram relationship this girl introduced him to Islam. Why would a girl so fond of haram things will try to make someone a Muslim? Was she not aware that it would be a barrier to her lifestyle? So where lies the problem? With him? or with her?

          • Salaams,

            Here's the thing: When he introduced her to secular/haram life, he wasn't even muslim. He was just living life the way he knew it as a non-muslim. So at that point in time we have a non-muslim living life the way he usually did, and a muslim (wherever she was in her deen). Between the two, in that state, who would you say is more accountable? Obviously it's the Muslim.

            Then the guy converts, and now we have two Muslims. Between the two, one wants to practice Islam and get their life in order, and the other doesn't and wants to be out in dunya. Between those two, who seems to be on right guidance? The one who is trying to be obedient, of course.

            I'm not saying this to say she's bad or awful. I'm saying this to say that what happened with her is not his fault in entirety. Everything he did as a nonbeliever, even introducing her to that lifestyle, is forgiven and gone now in the eyes of Allah.

            You can take 100 muslim women and put a nonmuslim, haram-practicing, attractive, nice guy in front of them and I guarantee that not ALL of them will be even curious about him and his activities. Most in fact would look and go the other way. The ones who do incline to him, it's because they already have a hunger or longing for whatever he's offering, and that's not anyone's fault or issue but their own.

            And then you can take 100 more sisters who are doing something wrong, and try to bid them to the right, and MOST of them will say "Alhamdulillah, I was struggling and having such a hard time, thank you so much for helping me before it got worse!" The ones who don't say that, and want to keep on, why is that? Why, when they have a way to get things right, do they reject it? The answer is because their hearts do not truly want it. Again, whose problem is that: the helper's or the sinner's?

            You're asking why she would bother to try to make him Muslim. I can't say for sure, of course, but it sounds like it had to do with her desire to marry him. Yes, apparently she wanted to marry him even before he converted. In fact, I don't think she anticipated that he would convert, or at least not convert to practice as intensely as he is.

            I don't blame him for breaking up with her. He's only been Muslim a short amount of time, and I don't know if those who haven't converted realize how fragile and difficult it is to work against years of living one way and still try to stay on the path of Islam. If she's not supporting him in his goals to stay sinless, then she's more of a threat to him than the dunya in general is. He's already got his work cut out for him in that regard, so the last thing he needs is a close companion goading him to go back to where he came from.

            -Amy
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Amy,

      Salam Aleykoum.

      You really well wrote what you wanted to say and i think that you are "right" and i will explain my quotations marks.

      There are some points that i do not agree with you as :" but if that was not already in her heart before she met you to some degree" or even all the impression you Amy, put in your answer.

      First, i want to precise that our brother's story gave me the same impression than your. But you know (and i'm sure you already know it) that we cannot make any jugdment on that woman simply because we are not qualified to make it and we cannot even discuss about "her heart".

      Our brother here is in love with her and we know that love is making us blind. But this woman is still muslim and we cannot take her out her name of muslim even if she is not acting as she should be.
      I agree with you, her behavior is wrong but we cannot discourage our brother to marry her. Let him marry her and forge his own opinion on her and even more: on relationship. I'm telling this now because one thing is sure: regrets. If i'm right we are talking about 4 years relationship ( even if it wasn't in the hallal way ) but now, they have the opportunity to be in the hallal way (because both are muslim right?). If they marry they are inside the limits, after that, happen what have to happen inside their marriage, and our brother will probably have to impose himself to his love, if he want that she survey her own behavior.

      I repeat, apart from all of this, i feeling our brother's story in the same way than you.

      Silver99

      • Salaams,

        I do understand what you're saying. But I would caution any two people who want to marry to re-think it if they are in different places spiritually. Love isn't enough to mend something like that in most cases.

        I guess I would just say in this brother's case, there may be a Muslim sister who is more compatible to him where he is now Islamically than she is, and that woman may be the better choice for marriage than this sister.

        I personally am very cautious to advise people to marry based on some type of emotional obligation or past history. I've been in similar situations, and I know that it can backfire in a horrible way if nothing else is being taken into account. People do have to be spiritually compatible, or the marriage will most likely fail.

        And I just want to say that I'm not trying to come across as contentious, I'm just trying to clarify my view for better understanding.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com

        • Salaam alaikum

          Sr Amy I agree with each and everything you have said. I myself being a revert who came to the religion through a haraam relationship can vouch for everything you said. I don't know what holds a born muslim back from his/her deen. May be its the non muslim environment or even a muslim environment where people around are more in the dunya than the deen.

          When I converted, I strongly wanted to keep my slate clean and the man who led me to islam, was in fact the one who wanted the opposite. I wanted to break up and wait before we could get married so as not to displease Allah SWT and the more I strived to become pious and religious, the more he started disliking me, yes we had prior issues but the thing that he was not even ready to see beyond those issues to see the tremendous changes and my struggle to practice was a big shock considering he was almost obsessed with me in the beginning.
          I was not a wild child but a fun loving person but I can attest the fact that he wasn't fooling around. yet it ended with the mercy of Allah and that too from his side, not even for a second thinking for me as a new convert who needs support or the rewards he might get in doing so. Yes, its not his responsibility but as a muslim any one will do a lot of thinking for the sake of Allah SWT before abandoning a fellow muslim, and that's what really tore my heart. Now, going through all the struggle that I have been through and finally seeing it clearly, I would say my priorities are very opposite of what that person was, alhamdulilah

          Where I am spiritually, I find it really ignorant that a muslim would say some of the things he said to me. Eg: "You are not a proper muslim girl. A proper muslim girl would be praying since her childhood and would know about Islam" subhanAllah, this is just one of the things out of many others, assuming that every born muslim girl must be a namazi when in fact he himself being a born muslim had abandoned even jumuah prayers and here I gave my prayers the utmost importance!

          This really makes me thank Allah SWT for choosing better for me since spiritually AND religiously I am at a way different position than he was

          So I would say this brother should do his best to bring her to the right path but if she doesn't reform, it is not his responsibility to marry her. She should know better since she is the one who taught him about Islam. Shaitaan can trick you once, twice or thrice but if you yourself and not going to want to be guided/reformed or repent then there is something wrong inside you. I don't know what the mentality raised muslims have about Islam, whether they think of it as the truth, their culture or something they naturally belong to ? But as a convert when something that seems so foreign becomes your own being and you are witness to THE TRUTH of life, everything changes .
          The center of existence shifts and you don't just have a clean slate but a new perspective of accepting as one's own what you once might have thought was wrong.

          This is not to say all raised muslims are like that but I sense that because they are raised in somewhat contradictory environments of what culture says and what Islam says and what the people around them do even though being muslim, it has an impact on the decision making ability. I really admire born muslims who are able to get themselves on the right track, their struggle seems greater to me than a convert's struggle. May Allah guide all those who are astray. May Allah bring this girl to the right path. Ameen

    • I'm seeing now that i'm not the only one to react on your answer...

      Just to complete what i wanted to say. We cannot resume a relationship, in the social life or private life to one generally point of view, because there much more of that. We ( inside believers community as outside) have all our own and distinct "philosophy" (or way of thinking). We do have all our own feelings and reactions on situations and our own nature. Some of us are weak (or seem to be) and others are strong (or seem to be). Her girl can seem "weak" and have bad behavior and doing her best in someting else about religion. We don't know!

      If our brother want to know her and to make her change, then he have to learn the maximum he can about her and her her "way of seeing things", it would be benefit for both of them even if at the and they have to separe.

      Salam
      Silver99

    • Salaamoun alayk dear sister Amy. I am just satisfied of your answer. You said all and may Allaah Give you more insight and inspiration. One remark I have is the term"my belief"you used at the beginning of your reply. I think in islam, we have only one belief in common that is the right aquida of the right islam and every muslim should avoid speaking of his own belief. thanks and may Allaah bless us all!

  4. Marry her, even though she had sex with you she also helped you become a good Muslim. Many Muslim may not accept a convert as their son-in-law, but their daughter can play some role in convincing them to let her marry. Good luck.

    • A Muslim woman wearing hijab and observing proper manners turned into a typical western party girl.

      How sad.....

  5. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    Interesting that her meeting you resulted in her actions the way they did and that you meeting her resulted in you accepting Islam.--Allah's guidance can truly each us even if we don't seek it. I really do not think that either one of you owes the other anything because so many arguments could be made about what promises were made and under what conditions. Personally, I think that you should make effort to marry her by speaking to her father ONLY (and could involve someone from the community to assist you). Do not talk or approach her at all. Whatever is the result of that, let it be. It sounds like you genuinely love her and care about her. If, however, you do not think she is the person that you can spend the rest of your life with, it is best to not contact and not talk to her again. At MOST, to help her have closure, you can tell her what you want in your life and that Allah's command is above anything for you--she can either accept it or not. It is her choice at the end of the day (and it seems to me that from what you have written, you have made it crystal clear)-her life choices are not your responsibility.

    Yes, it is true that shaitaan makes haram relationships seem beautiful and halal ones seem like a chore. So, one could argue, that in marriage, all the things that are charming and attractive in a relationship are hard work because shaitaan is a clear enemy to halal love between a husband and wife--so awareness of this fact can help to cultivate a better relationship between spouses and it can also help prevent the continuation of a haram relationship. If she understood that prolonging this relationship was hurting her and empowering shaitaan - perhaps she could move on but it seems that she is blinded by the emotions.

    I pray that Allah ease your pain and hers and brings about a solution that is best for both of you, inn shaa Allah.

    • Assalam alaikum Br.,

      I wanted to add a few things to my response to you.

      I don't believe that you are responsible for her actions, but of course, you are responsible for your actions. It is true that you will have all your sins wiped away after you become Muslim and in regard to your deeds, you will be like a brand new baby, subhanAllah.

      I kept thinking about your post since I responded, and I can't help but think that her coming into your life brought you closer to Islam. If you, who was not searching for Islam, found it anyways, is it not possible that she can find it again too? I don't know this girl, but I think she is young and doesn't realize more than she should. If her feelings are that important to you, I don't think anyone should tell you otherwise - but HOW you go about matters now should be strictly Islamic (as I mentioned previously, to approach her father with the help of a community member).

      In my eyes, I think the question boils down to, do you want to marry her? IF you don't, then there really isn't much more to discuss. However, if you do want her in your life, you influenced her once, you could very well do it again. I don't see her as a loss cause - I see in your description of her a girl wanting a companion and sees that in you. Allah knows best.

      Is the best for you to leave her? Is the best for her to go on without you? I don't know - but I do think it is possible (not impossible at all) to give your utmost best shot at marrying her. I just can't seem to digest giving up and moving on with no effort made to join her in a halal way. If she was my daughter in this predicament, I wouldn't want that for her. If you were my son, I wouldn't want my son to just give up. This is just my humble opinion.

  6. Abdur Raheem Green ( presenter on Peace TV) went through kind of the same thing that you are going through. But he ended up leaving Islam for her. And then after some time she left him devastated and broken hearted for another man. I will try to find one of his online lectures where he discusses this. Alhumdullilah he came back to Islam.

    http://islamqa.info/en/2251 also talks about a similar case as yours.

    I left my everything for another man for 8 years, even though every minute of the time that I was with him I knew it was 100% wrong of me to be with him. 8 years I invested so much time in him and eventually Allah swt took him away from me. Not only did I get near zina, but it engulfed me like cancer. Now community members think that I have some sickness like cancer, cause I lost so much weight and am losing my hair, and am no longer my bubbly self. (There's so much more to my story tho). My cancer is this love disease that i have for him. When we go against the Quran and follow our desires, we end up even more devastated then the happy times that we thought the other person could give.

    You totally inspire me tho. Thanks so much for your post.

    May Allah guide us all!

  7. Can anyone else vouch for this too? Joehaurniz posted:

    I hear a brother say that shaitan beautifies the person you are committing this sin with, but when you marry her shaitan changes plans to now show the real face and works on separating the marriage.

    I never heard this before. Is this true?

    • I don't think this is a matter of "is this true", since Shaitaan is already our enemy, and he always tries to find any ways to lead us astray or to separate between us and our love ones. So it's a matter of "how do we protect ourselves from Shaitaan?"

      Allah (swt) Has already taught us what to do to be saved from Shaitaan and his evils.

      "O children of Adam! We have provided you with clothing to cover your bodies, and for luxury. But the clothing of piety—that is best. These are some of Allah’s revelations, so that they may take heed.

      O Children of Adam! Do not let Shaitaan seduce you, as he drove your parents out of the Garden, stripping them of their garments, to show them their nakedness. He sees you, him and his clan, from where you cannot see them. We have made the devils friends of those who do not believe." (Quran 7: 26-27)

      "O people! Eat of what is lawful and good on earth, and do not follow the footsteps of Shaitaan. He is to you an open enemy." (Quran 2: 168)

      "O you who believe! Do not follow Shaitaan’s footsteps. Whoever follows Shaitaan’s footsteps—he advocates obscenity and immorality. Were it not for Allah’s grace towards you, and His mercy, not one of you would have been pure, ever. But Allah purifies whomever He wills. Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing." (Quran 24: 21)

      "When a temptation from the Shaitaan provokes you, seek refuge in Allah; He is the Hearer, the Knower." (Quran 41: 36)

      "And say, “My Lord, I seek refuge with You from the urgings of the devils. And I seek refuge with You, my Lord, lest they become present.” (Quran 23: 97-98)

  8. AMY "You can take 100 muslim women and put a nonmuslim, haram-practicing, attractive, nice guy in front of them and I guarantee that not ALL of them will be even curious about him and his activities"

    If that is the case why there is a need of religious police in Saudi arabia to keep men and burqa wearing women seperate in countries like Saudi arabia. Why millions of gilrs gut their sexual organs cut in countries like Egypt?

    • Those are examples of extremism and oppression, which is irrelevant to this thread. People who do those things or support them have a bad view of humanity- basically that we are a bunch of animalistic nitwits with no self control.

      Obviously I don't buy that view.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salam SVS,

      OK that is something tottaly different than the initial post and i totally support Amy here.

      Saudi arabia is a dictatorship. They put off human being right and are acting even against Islam principles. They're oppressing human being.
      I do not support that kind of system like Saudi arabia.

      And one more thing: I'm sure you would be surprise to see how many clubs, bar are there and how many muslim are going there. Just take a look where Saudi arabia money is going to invest.

      Salam
      Silver99

  9. Salaam ou alaikoum,

    I agree completely with Amy, after reading the story of the brother and then immediately a few posts advising him to marry her. I don't think that's such a good idea. It could cause the brother a lot of hardship and trouble, as she doesn't strike me as being the righteous type. I'm not even sure if she could stay faithfull to him.That's not the kind of thing i would wish upon a brother, especially one who is new to Islam. Think about it, if she was really muslim in her heart, she would already have felt very guilty about her sins, and when the brother became a muslim, she would have been very gratefull and seen it as an opportunity to make something haram halal. The fact that she is upset that he doesn't wanna sin strikes me as very odd. Any other muslim girl would cry of joy, instead she is angry at him, trying to seduce him to leave his new found conviction. I think she is dangerous for him, for his religion. She does't seem innocent at all, and she may pose a real threat to his journey to islam. To be honest I wish the brother a good, righteous, kind muslim woman, that he can love and live in peace with. This particular girl will probably bring him nothing but grief. He can't save her, because you will have to wanna be saved, and I don't see any sign of that . But if he's not carefull she can be a real threat to his faith . My intuition tells me to advise him to stay away from her. I think it's very unfair of her to tempt him and endanger his deen, especially because she comes from a muslim background, she should know better. I'm sure he didn't expect to face resistence from that side. She should help him, not fight him. May Allah keep him safe.

    • Well brother has been doing sex with sister for 3 years. No girl can force a man to have sex unless he wants it too. A good man should not have sex before he gets married to the girl. Even before converting brother knew it was wrong to have sex before marriage.

      • Point is he made tawba and is trying to be on the right path, as for the girl, not so sure about that!!!

      • No, she didn't force him, just like he didn't force her. But now he's awake and sees the truth. If you become a muslim your mistakes are forgiven. He knows now that it was wrong, and he regrets it. It's not because he made a mistake before he was muslim, that he will have to keep paying for it. And what about the girls responsibility? Is she an innocent victim in this? Woman do have free will, just like men. He clearly didn't force her. Apparently a lot of people see women as being weak and very influential, advising him to marry her because then he will then have control over her, she will listen to him and everything will be fine. When obviously the girl is in a very different place than he is spiritually. (A headscarf doesn't mean a thing) At this point I don't see any sign of regret from her part, and she seems content with her way of life. She even wants him to join her. Even if he marries her, it will possibly be a constant stuggle between them. Unless she repents and start realising what a perfect opportunity this can be for her, he should turn his back on her. He doesn't owe her anything. Men and women get the same punishment for zina. Otherwise Allah would have warned us that men play a bigger part in zina and will take a bigger part in the punishment. On the contrary, he wasn't muslim yet when he did zina, but she already was. It's clear who will be held more accountable here.

  10. Brother I will not advise you on what to do with the girl , in terms of whether you should marry her or not, as I feel like it's not my place to .I will however, advice you to focus on strengthening your faith and learning all that you can about Islam.....with that being said,if you feel like anyone is jeopardizing your quest of knowledge about Islam , then they're non conducive and you should not gamble with Your relationship with Allah for someone's feelings.

    As for your question "how can I stop zina without hurting her?" , I'd like to ask you, how can you continue zina with out hurting your relationship with Allah? Brother she will be ok inshallah, and if her feelings are the only causality in this situation then so be it....I'm not trying to be cold, but I'd hate for your faith to be shaken because your afraid of hurting her!

  11. I am in the opposite position as you, i am an american girl who converted and my arab "boyfriend's" family may or may not be accepting. I haven't totally come to a sure solutions but I can tell you one thing, your intentions are pure and you genuinely care for her.

    One thing that I have found in Islam is that it is COMPULSORY for muslims to help each other out in times of need. Though you cannot change her or guide her (only Allah swt can), you can remind her. There are many muslims who are seemingly pious, and the marriages are equally arranged as not, and there are problems. In the end, we all have to ask for help and guidance from Allah.

    Allah forgive me if I am wrong, as a Muslim young lady who converted after being in a haram relationship, I not want to believe that Allah would want you to hurt the other party unless they didn't want to marry and didn't want anything to do with Islam. I think inside of her she loves Islam, because she taught you and the lead to your conversion, so I think you should remind her to go back. I hope this makes sense.

    I think you should try to marry her. Getting around the parents' consent is easy. Islamically, they can't deny you just because you if your intentions are good and she wants to marry you, too. It's easy for muslims to say "no premarital relations/intermixing/etc" but it's a lot harder to non-arab muslims (especially reverts) to find a mate without this. I'm not encouraging premarital relations, but sometimes arranged marriage is not an option. Lowering our gaze is to protect from sexual desire, but if you see a muslim girl you and you want to marry her, what's wrong with that? Arranged marriages are "allowed" in Islam, they aren't mandatory, so how does one go about finding a partner without it? I think leaving her is dangerous, because then you are exposing her to develop an adulterous lifestyle. She has been able to control that aspect because she has you.

    I have to disagree with what some people are saying in here about her and about her causing his deen to waiver. Allah swt will put all of our deens to the test. If the OP is strong in his deen, he will not waiver and she will see from his example.

    The only reason I would suggest you leave is if she doesn't want to pursue marriage. Then, in that case, you can't make her and you should let her go.

    • NANA: i am an american girl who converted and my arab “boyfriend’s” family may or may not be accepting

      No "boyfriends" in Islam.

  12. Dear brother
    Keep going..repentance and seek for Allah's guidance.Tell her beforehand...your intention to have a clear n clean relationship.follow your istikharah guidance..If she is meant for u..she will guide u after u hve embrace as a muslim.if otherwise,meaning Allah has better choice for U.Trust Allah..and hang on to Tawaakkul concept.Yuftah alaikum.

  13. I was In a similar situation (years ago), their was a female (Whom I was In infatuated/smitten with), yet this "female couldn't see past my nationality". My point Is, you found "Our Rabb/Allah (SWT)", and at the same time "She/The girl In the story, lost her path", correct? Now you're In love with her/want to marry her, correct? Is this because "you actually can see, you being with her for the rest of your life and/or you can't stop thinking about her", or Is It because "you feel bad because you think It's your fault that she lost her path, and you think marriage Is the answer"?

    If It's the first case, than simply put, explain that to her? Let her know your Intentions, and that fact that "you do love her", the fact that you think of her "Every waking breath, of everyday", In your sleep and In your waking hours.

    If It's the 2nd case, realize this. People, don't go to "Jahannam" because "The devil forced them to do something" (As he can't force you to do something evil), "he's able to put evil thoughts Into your mind, and make you tempted", but "he can't physically force you to do something evil", correct? It's like thinking of "robbing a bank and actually robbing a bank". On one hand "you merely thought of robbing the bank", than the "urge to actually commit the robbery, had to be so great that you now are on phase 2 of the plan, planning and scoping out the bank", and now you move on to , the 3rd phase of It, which Is, "getting a team together to commit this bank robbery", than you move on to the 4th phase, which Is "planning for get-away phase". Now (remember you still haven't actually committed the robbery as of yet), correct? All this time you "merely were thinking and planning/plotting", yet no offense has actually been committed as of yet. Now once all these things are taken care of "You can still say "Allah help me out of this and stop these evil thoughts of the devil coming to me", yet when you actually "go through with this robbery", than and only than have you actually committed a crime/sin, correct? Than the "Angels of Allah (SWT), write down the deed for you", and than and only than does the act become a "stain on your soul". Now "Allah (SWT), is so Merciful that HE still can forgive you for the sin/crime", but you need to "Ask", correct? Than you need to make firm Intention not to commit It again.

    Yet If you don't ask for forgiveness, and don't make "Towbah/repentace", than do you really regret It? Was that the "Devils fault, or was It yours"? Who committed the actual robbery, the devil or you? Who put the "Inclination to commit the robbery In the first place In you? The devil or did you just wake up and think to yourself (Out of the blue) "I think I'm gonna rob a bank today"? Yet who actually committed that robbery? The devil or you? The same holds true for you case. You were the Instrument that "lead this girl to falling for the trick" (Doesn't mean that you physically forced her to do these acts), It just means that you "merely tempted her and tempted her and tempted her", but did you be like "here do this (By force)"? If you didn't "force her to do that which she has done", than that means that "She would've been tested with the same test by another means, and that you were put In her life as a means to test her".

    Look, wishing/thinking/hoping are different than doing.

    1) Are their people, we love In this life/dunya (Yes), but do we let them know "We love them", or do we "hold It with-in our breasts/chests/insides (And only reveal It to Allah)?

    2) Do we hope to be with that person? Yes, but Is that person a good fit for us or not? For all you know, this person (Has fallen In love with that lifestyle), Is that something you can change? If "Allah (SWT)" wants HE can send all to Jannah/Heaven, and the most evil of us can't say nothing about It, yet If HE/ALLAH chooses to send us all to "Jahannem/Hell, even If all of CREATION got together and protested/fought, and had the best of weapons, their Is nothing we can do, correct"? My point Is that "All we can do, Is hope that a person changes and becomes as we wish for them to become" (That Is all you can do), nothing else (Sorry).

    3) If "This person" loves you "As much as you love her/him (Than) you two can work together. All you can do Is convey the message that "you wish the best for her, and that you think you 2 are compatible", and would be "happy together, but If that person "Is stuck on their ways", nothing you can do about It, but move on, and let her/him be.

  14. Just marry her in a religious way simply and avide these misunderstanding and keep following t
    ISLAM upon every conditions!!

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