Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can we convince his family to support an inter-cultural marriage?

mercy nikah

السلام عليكم

I am looking for advice regarding a marriage situation. I truly believe that our lives were written for us before we were born, including our intended spouses. So for my whole life, I have known that when Allah made me, he made me out of my soulmate, and I have been dreaming of meeting that man for so long now. Finally, a year ago, we met at work. We both knew instantly that we are a perfect match. I admire his kind heart and his values and his devotion to Allah and to his family, and he says he admires my purity and kindness and values, etc., too. We only work together once a week (or less), but when we do, we have the best conversations -- we talk about the Quran, and family, and Allah, and everything important to us. He has given me the greatest gift anyone on earth could give -- he has taught me about Islam, and has helped me increase my understanding of Allah and the true path (I was raised Christian but had always disagreed with parts of it, and find so much comfort now in Islam and the Quran). We agree on so much, and the things we don’t agree on, we see as ways to learn and grow from each other. We want more than anything to get married. We are in our 30s, having waited for Allah to lead us to the right person before taking on the serious responsibility of marriage, and are eager to marry and start our family as soon as possible, insha’Allah. Already, a year has gone by, and this seems like way too much time to have wasted. (I keep thinking, if we had gotten married right away, we could have had our first child by now!)

He comes from Sudan, and much of his family is still in Sudan, and the problem is that they expect him to eventually come back to Sudan and enter into an arranged marriage set up by his mother (his father passed away many years ago). He thinks they would be shocked and horrified and completely unaccepting if he told them he wanted to marry an American girl who he met here (and one who is "new" to Islam, too...although it feels like I finally found what I have known was there my whole life). But the Quran says: “O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.” (49:13). So, aren’t we encouraged to know each other, and isn’t marriage an excellent way to bring cultures together, so that we may learn to know each other better? Shouldn’t we judge each other on our inner qualities, rather than our outer appearance and circumstances?

We can see an example of this in the life of the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH), where he married women from widely varying backgrounds, uniting everyone in the message of Islam. Not only did he marry women from differing cultures and enemy tribes, but also married women coming from differing religious backgrounds. He seems to have judged people based on their character and their potential for the future, not their backgrounds/upbringing, and I wish for this to be an example that my (insha'Allah) future mother-in-law can appreciate. I can't help the fact that I was born white and American, and I wish that the family could learn to see past that.

Also, to me it seems like a great sign that in Surat al-Rum, the piece regarding spouses (30:21 “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.”) is immediately followed by a part saying how our diversity is a sign (30:22 “And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed in that are signs for those of knowledge.”). Surely, this gives evidence that Allah does not intend us to marry only within our own cultures, right?

So, my question for you is: how can he bring up his desire to marry me with his mother and siblings in Sudan, in a way that is sensitive and respectful of Sudanese culture, yet also convinces them that intercultural marriage is acceptable is Islam (and judging from the life of the Messenger (PBUH), is also desirable)? Surely we are not the only people who have ever been in this situation. Surely, there are countless examples of intercultural marriage, based on shared values rather than shared backgrounds, especially in the United States, where so many new people are now learning about Islam (alhamdulillah!). I would love to hear from anyone who has had success with this, and would truly cherish any advice you could give me.

جزاك الله خير

HopelesslyHopeful


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5 Responses »

  1. OP.He comes from Sudan, and much of his family is still in Sudan, and the problem is that they expect him to eventually come back to Sudan and enter into an arranged marriage set up by his mother (his father passed away many years ago). He thinks they would be shocked and horrified and completely unaccepting if he told them he wanted to marry an American girl who he met here (and one who is "new" to Islam, too...although it feels like I finally found what I have known was there my whole life).

    I think this man does not want to marry you. He is just using his family as an excuse. He is 30+ years old not an 18 year old kid. Men will do any thing to get close to a woman. This story is very common......usually it is south asian boy and a foreign girl .....after couple of months / years he tells her that his parents want him to marry his cousin and being a good Muslim he can't say no.

    Forget him and move on.

  2. Unless he can commit to you now, and unless he tells his parents about you now,...then he is not serious and drop him.

    He is old enough to tell them this is the woman I want to marry. Your parents can guide you on who to marry,but can't force you to marry anyone.

    It's his choice. Family pressure exists, but if he doesn't have the guts to tell his family and be open about then he will never stand up for you and just use you in the mean time.

  3. You seem to have a lovely soul, and I'm sure you would be a catch for any Muslim man. Unfortunately, your friend does not appreciate this, otherwise he would have married you by now. He probably does love you or has feelings for you, but he's not willing to act on them. You obviously respect his cultural background -- so he should be relieved and happy about that. If you wish to get married and have children, then you should tell him that you do not wish to wait indefinitely for his proposal. If he's still not serious, move on.

  4. I hope you have not filed his immigration papers.

  5. Dear Sister

    There is no concept of soulmate in islam. It is made up in romantic movies and no relation to reality. Whoever you marries will have some differences that will definitely irritate you and push you away and some similarities that will attract you. Every person has a unique soul. So your only soulmate is none other than your own-self.

    The only purpose of marriage is to find a life-time friend, who can support you in bad times and enjoys life with you. You have to encourage your Sudanese love partner to stand up to his parents in a respectful way. The burden of convincing his family with proper respect and convincing manner is his, not yours.

    So if he feels weak and cannot stand up for you, then he is causing you to be trapped in love-pit full of regrets. Do not let him do this to you. Either he stands up or let you go and find another suitable life-time friend. I guarantee you that you will find another match perhaps better than him.

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