How can we convince his parents to accept our marriage?
Dear All,
Thank you in advance for reading and appreciate genuine and sincere advise.
I am a Christian woman in early 30s and my boyfriend (a term use in secular society) is a Pakistani Muslim in his late 30s. So, we are not youngster raging with teenage hormones but matured adults with successful careers.
For your brief insight, we knew each other through work and started as working colleagues and became friends and mutual feelings develop as we learn more about each other; character, personalities, past and etc.
Before we embarked on the journey to know each other on a deeper level, yes, we did discuss about the probable issues:
1. Different culture
2. Different religion
3. His family acceptance
4. How we will bring up our children if we are meant to have them
We went through all the thinking and rationales between us.
To our surprise, my family is quite accepting as long as this is what both of us want. They gave their blessing for my conversion if that is what is needed.
I do not have issues with the conversion too, generally there are many similarities between Christian and Islam. I am willing to learn and live the life as of expected by Pakistani family. Furthermore, I am quite familiar with the social and cultural build up of Pakistan due to few occasion of my job requirement.
He has expressed his intention to marry me to my parents and after that, he has expressed this intention to his family. However, in the beginning, his parents thought this is just something that will pass and when he re-discuss the situation with them again recently, they are not happy and not accepting despite knowing that I will be converting and embrace Islam. Both his parents are very religious. He is also the only child.
I am confused and in the same time felt I have been judged even before they actually know me. Besides, we are not youngsters not knowing right and wrong. Nor are we dependent on them financially but we do not want to displease our parents.
Is there any surah which indicates parents should not force their children or stop their children from getting married?
I would appreciate an insightful advise specially from a religious who thinks inter-cultural marriage promote the dakwah of Islam and prevent Islamophobia as well as anyone who has had similar experience.
Thank you
kart320
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I don't have any surahs on the rulings of what the parents can and cannot permit. I know they can advice but they unltimatley can't block you from marrying a good person.
http://islamqa.info/en/98768 This is a great reliable website for questions you might have. I like it a lot. The link is of a similar situation, hope it helps.
Dear Sister
Here is a great link on hadith collection. Just search for your relevant topic and you got it with the exact reference.
http://dailyhadith.abuaminaelias.com/
http://sunnah.com/
For Duas, i found a versatile site
http://duas.com/
One can download a free translation of Holy Quran at
http://en.islamway.net/SF/quran/.
Dear Sister
Changing religion is not the same as changing nationality. I advise you not to convert to Islam for the sake of marriage but only gets converted if you are truly convinced of its truthfulness. Otherwise will you revert to Christianity? if you fail to marry that guy. Such a behavior will be equivalent to cheating your soul and also with the creator of universe. In islamic terms it is called murtid. Choose your religion not for the sake of marriage but for the sake of your soul.
Here is the mechanism of marriage in islam. Parents cannot force their child to marry someone they do not like but similarly child cannot marry someone of his own liking if the parents do not agree. The only way out for the child is to involve a muslim organization or religious senior person to convince their parents of the suitability of marriage. This is explained in details in thislink "http://islamqa.info/en/7193".
Here are two hadiths illustrating these points
Aishah narrated that:
The Messenger of Allah said: "Whichever woman married without the permission of her Wali her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. If he entered into her, then the Mahr is for her in lieu of what he enjoyed from her private part. If they disagree, then the Sultan is the Wali for one who has no Wali."
Grade : Hasan (Darussalam)
Reference : Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1102
In-book reference : Book 11, Hadith 23
English translation : Vol. 2, Book 6, Hadith 1102
Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas:
A virgin came to the Prophet (ﷺ) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (ﷺ) allowed her to exercise her choice.
Grade : Sahih (Al-Albani) صحيح (الألباني) حكم :
Reference : Sunan Abi Dawud 2096
In-book reference : Book 12, Hadith 51
English translation : Book 11, Hadith 2091
Now come to the rational part. You should make a joint strategy with your potential male partner to determine the points forcing his parents not to accept you and with a rational mind prepare him to remove the fears of parent about marrying a woman with non islamic parents. You can obtain the help of other religious person to help you in this process.
It is better to marry only that family, whose parents also accept you. In that way your after marriage life will be a loving,caring and harmonious one.
Salam,
The biggest problem here is not your faith. Islam permits the marriage between a Muslim man and a believing woman of the book. As such, accepting Islam would not be a prerequisite for you to marry this man.Your biggest hurdle here is culture. I know several Pakistani families and for the most part, they often do not marry women from outside of their own culture. Furthermore, what compounds this situation is that this man is their only son.
Culture is a powerful thing. Looking at things through the eyes of this mans parents, you are not what they had planned for him. Together they have raised their son and envisioned a lovely Pakistani girl for him. However, not all things in life are as we imagined them to be. If this man truly from the heart would like to make you his wife and share a life of love and happiness with you, he will need to try and bring his parents around. Will it be easy? No it won't however until he tries his best, you will never know.
When I married my husband thirty years ago, no one thought it would work. I am American born and raised and my spouse is Saudi. My husband was discouraged by some family members, told that I would take the children and leave him and so forth. My mother in law was a darling woman and always treated me with kindness and as if I was her own daughter. Our life together has not been easy and we have had a lot of bumps along the way however, we made a family together and are proud parents to some amazing adult children.
Sometimes it is all in how we go about things. This mans mother may be unhappy however, she is unhappy because of a situation that she dislikes. Remember, this is about culture...not you. It really all comes down to his parents and if they are willing to open up to something different, new and life changing for all concerned.
You can learn more about Islam and revert if and when you are ready. Should you marry, your children must be raised in the Islamic faith irregardless of whether you revert or not.
Good luck to you both. God willing things will turn out for the best for all concerned.
Salam
Dear Kart,
Parents who do not approve of a marriage can be a thorn and ruin the marriage. Parents know their children well and know exactly how to pull their strings. In the beginning, your husband will be supportive but soon, he may start taking their side and make you the outsider.
Why don't you pray to God and ask Him for His guidance. Only God can help you figure out what is in your best interest.