Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I attain freedom without losing my contact with my parents?

Three pathsI come from a Bangladeshi-Muslim household. My parents are decently strict. Obviously, no boys til I'm out of college, drinking is a NO, having guy friends is looked down upon, my brother gets treated like a king, whereas my sister and I are burdens.

My mom and dad have raised us really well financially but mentally, I have been beaten down. Growing up, my mom, who was married to my dad at a young age, didn't ever fail to bring up issues with my dad. He was a very difficult man to work with. He was very chauvinistic, controlling and left my mum out of the works for the most part. Growing up, they would always fight but they never let us suffer financially. They would let us go on school trips in which you had to pay large sums of money, they bought us clothes and electronics. However, they never forced us to pray or fast during Ramadan.

So, I started college two years ago, and I have an Indian Catholic boyfriend whom I love very much. We plan to get married after I attain my masters degree. He is on the track of becoming a doctor and starting med school soon. He is perfect to every mom's eye. Only, my mom would hate him simply because he is not muslim nor bangladeshi. He is a good man and we are great together. I am fully convinced that I have found the love of my life.

I too have been pretty independent since middle school so I feel like my parents don't get to have a say in who I date or marry. But my mom never fails to remind me that in a few years I must marry a muslim bengali man.

I feel like I'm living in two worlds. I want to live in a world where I am happy wearing the clothes I want, being with the guy I want and seeing my friends and socializing when I want. I want to be able to live on my own and be proud of myself. How can I do this if my parents are always on top of me?

But why are they on top of me? because they are scared of society? I want my freedom, but I don't want to betray my parents. What do I do?

- sunshineballoon

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12 Responses »

  1. Salam Sis,
    Your parents are right. A Muslim girl is not allowed a non-Muslim boy. You have to cut all your ties with him. In fact you are not in love with the guy, rather you just want to run away from your parents. My dear sis, please listen to your parents. You are in the wrong track. Don’t overthink about freedom. And try to practice Islam. I don’t think you can even pray istikhara for such situations since marrying him is not permissible. Don’t make up your mind with negative thoughts about your parents approaches toward you and your sis.

    I wish you all the best
    Peace be upon you

  2. You should be more concerned about betraying the rights of Allah before you worry about betraying your parents.

  3. Firstly, you do know that as a Muslim woman you are not allowed to marry a non-muslim?

    So much of these issues with parents not agreeing with their children's choice of marriage partner boils down to the children not taking into account their parent's expectations when looking for a partner. If they did a lot of family heartache would not occur but I realise sometimes things take their own course and its not always possible.

    The reason why Islam does not allow females to marry non-muslim is to do with the upbringing of children and the sort of environment the children will see and experience. Their father will have an influence on their religion whether he practises christianity or not. Its your duty as a Muslim to instill in your children our religious beliefs. If you fail to do that, you will have to answer for it on judgement day when your very own children will blame you for not teaching them Islam which could have saved them from hellfire. Allah will then hold that against you making it extremely likely that you too will enter hell. So it is a very serious issue.

    Never mind your parents, if you want to go ahead with marriage to this person, you need to convert him to Islam first. Shouldn't be too hard to do as catholicism is full of corruption i.e. you can buy forgiveness with donation to the church (lool) and some idol worshipping thrown in for good measure.

    If he doesn't covert, you're simply not allowed to marry him and you will be going against the word of Allah as this is prescribed in the Quran. You may wish to get a book on how to give dawah to christians and start things gently. If he loves you so much as you say, you should be able to get him to look into Islam. Anyone who looks into Islam with an open heart Allah inshallah will guide them to Islam. After all, compared to Islam, all the other religions are just ridiculous nonsense that do not stand up to intellectual or scientific scrutiny.

    If he does not convert you may wish to reflect on just how much he loves you as he will know you can't marry him without it. If he does convert, your parents will find it easier to stomach your choice, after all he would be a muslim and so they cannot object on religious grounds.

    If you are able to convert him (and only Allah is the one who converts) and your parents still do not agree to your choice, tell them you are going to go through with it anyway. Invite all your relatives - most probably won't turn up due to your parents putting pressure on them, but some will see your parents are being unreasonable and will attend the wedding. At least you won't isolate everyone in your family which you will do if you do not invite them.

    The first thing to do then is to pray to allah to make you successful in converting your to be husband and turning around your parents minds.

  4. Unfortunately you already betrayed your parents by dating. So it doesn't really matter what society says. Your already doing something you shouldn't.

    One day if you become a parent, you will understand. When your children go haywire you as a parent will probably intervene. You need to see from their view.

    If you don't want to marry a bengali. I don't think they can force you. Since you did mention your independent.

    A Muslim is not allowed to marry a non Muslim. But if you don't pray at all, nor fast etc. Then the rule doesn't apply.

    But a reminder. Money comes, Money goes. Education, good job etc is only a temporary for this limited time we have on this earth.

    Death comes at any given time, everything you achieved in this world will be left behind. What good is that?

    We were no created in vain, but to worship Allah. Love can blind a person. Take a step back and have a deep think.

    Also, you only have one parents. Don't jeopardise that .You will regret it.

  5. Marriage to such guy is against Islam so stay away from him.

  6. Salam,

    The world you want to live in is both possible here and in the afterlife. In the afterlife it will last longer. If you try to go against Islam here by marrying a non muslim you are risking eternal burning in hell. Perhaps Allah will forgive you and perhaps he will not. Your parents, who spent a lot in raising you, are not interested in you going to hell. That is why they would prefer you marry a muslim. As for him being bengali, it's easier for them to communicate with him if he is.

  7. your parents are right you are wrong , may Allah bless your parents and give you hadiat

    • You are the person who gave this boy a green signal , if you show him red no matter what it will be red , time to say him sorry and move on . By the way which muslim even after marriage dresses up way she wants we all dress up how Quran wants us to dress like and you only dress up way you want when you're with husband . Well most parents are like your parents but ultimately we get over them it's a matter of time , as we grow we get degrees we build our capabilities we don't care what they did. Right now if you want parental love get it from your seniors and teachers

      • You can just inform your parents and wear a burkha that will solve your dress problem , your age is to enjoy and be as stress free as possible and concentrate on studies / job why do you want this extra dress headache

        • Independence is not going out with girl gang , it is being loved and cared for and vice versa which can be a part of any relationship or friendship , chances are you may not develop that with any of the girls of that group even after many years . So try to look closer ,where your mom is giving you access and try your luck

  8. Your parents don't sound that strict to be honest. As a Muslim, you surely understand that abstaining from alcohol, pre-marital relations, etc. is part of the religion, right? It's not about them being strict at all, it's them just being MUSLIMS.

    You mention that they, on the other hand, have let you go on school trips, bought you nice things and given you a lot more freedom than many Muslim parents would give their children. Which is a good thing, I personally don't think Islam is about controlling kids, and I think not allowing your kids to do normal things with their peers is really bad. Your parents aren't perfect, though, and they might have gone a bit wrong along the line. The answer to that is not to run away, though, and create unnecessary problems in your family. It's absolutely your right to marry whomever you want, but you must know that from an Islamic perspective, Muslim women cannot marry non-Muslim men. Understandably, your parents see you with a Muslim man, but it is indeed unfair of them to demand that he HAS to be Bengali - that should be your choice entirely.

    Your parents don't sound too unreasonable, so maybe you can have a sensible, calm chat with them about your rights of choosing a Muslim husband of your own choice - maybe they'd actually understand and take on board what you say when you provide them with Islamic arguments.

  9. Hi sunshineballoon,

    I came to your post by accident. But I read through these comments and WOW, are people judgemental. Let's remember that only Allah can judge.

    I can't say I am perfectly religious, but I do believe in the ways of Allah as well. I stray from that sometimes, but I am reminded by friends and family who don't force, but simply show me and let me know right from wrong in my religion.

    I grew up in a Bengali-Muslim family as well. I have younger sisters, no brothers.

    First of all - I am sorry to hear how your parents differentiated between their sons and daughters. I don't know about the others, but that doesn't seem right to me. However, that isn't part of our religion.

    I married an Afghan-Muslim. I dated him, but we only got married when we both reached an appropriate age. I have friends who married non-Bengalis who converted to Islam before my female friends married them.

    If the person you are with is willing to convert to Islam, from my understanding, you would be doing a good deed. I don't know what's better than successfully inviting a person of another faith into our own? However, you might want to make sure that the person you are with actually truly wants to convert and isn't simply doing it to please your parents or you.

    Some of the aspects about the comments above are true - religiously we aren't allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. Like someone stated above, it just has to do with how your children will be affected down the line. I can provide an example in this regard: I know a Muslim woman now in her 50s married to a Christian man. They have an adult son. Unfortunately, the son now identifies himself as a Christian. Whenever my husband and I go out with this couple, I can see the hurt in her eyes as her son orders pork and as she tells us that there will be no one to pray for her after she dies. I don't think she was too religious before, but now in her 50s, she regularly attends prayers, fasts, tries to follow our deen, and regrets the decisions of her son which in retrospect are a result of her own decision. As much as she adores her husband, she states openly states her discontent at his conflicting views on religion with her own.

    My point is this - for the two of you, right now it may not matter if you both belong to different belief systems. However, it may matter to you one day when you see your offspring choosing a path that you believe will lead him/her to an undesirable outcome. And in a world where it is easier to practice Christianity, what do you think a child with a Christian parent will choose?

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