Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I cope with my husband’s bad temper?

verbal abuse, psychological abuse

Asalam Alaikom
I am 21 years of age, my husband is 37, we have been married now for 3 years and hamdulilah have a healthy son. He has a daughter from his last marriage of which I love and treat as my own. I converted to Islam 6 years ago now and since then continue to learn more and more about Islam everyday, however, I need some advice about my husband, he has such a bad temper, usually when things are not going well for him or he is tired, stressed or annoyed.

He takes his temper out on me and calls me all these different names, swears at me, accuses me of having all these horrible traits that in actual fact are HIS bad traits, and it's like he picks at everything I do at times of stress.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells with him everyday, he will be okay one minute and the next he's lost his temper again. I look after the house very well, I cook everyday, I take care of our baby son, I look after his needs and do everything he asks of me to do when he asks me to do it, I never argue or tell him that I am unhappy with anything he does and I love being a Muslim wife but I just tell myself to have patience with him because he is tired from working etc.

Alhamdulillah, he works hard and provides for his family, and this is why I love him so much. He upsets me so much from the hurtful things he says to me. I often leave Islamic books and articles around the house and explain to him little bits of Islamic values in the hope he will try to better himself. However, this situation seems to be getting worse, and he won't stop causing unnecessary arguments about NOTHING, sometimes the things he says I think he must be crazy because they don't even make sense, like he wants to have an argument at that time and has nothing sincere to say so makes something up.

Everything is my fault, never his. E.g. if he spills a drink on the table it's because I’ve served too many plates at the table and there is no space. I don't know what to do, it's putting me down, I hope that my patience with him can help him to get better, but I see no improvement.

This is his 3rd marriage now so I often wonder that he just can't be helped. I have not sought help about this before as I’ve always thought that I married a man like this and I knew he was like it when I did and therefore I have to deal with it and just keep my mouth shut just to keep the peace, but I am now worried that it may have a knock-on effect on our son.

Please can you give me some Islamic advice regarding my situation insha Allah, thank you. jazakallah hier.


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18 Responses »

  1. dear taffia,

    youare sucha lovely girl. i had a friend who when she got married her husband was very nice to her,i had met him as well, but 4 months down the line he became this horrible creature saying all the bad words to her. she got pregnant and one day he hit her so bad that she thought she is going to die, so she phoned me. she had these marks around her wrists and neck when her husband was trying to throttle her. anyway the only advise i could give to her was that she should not suffer in silence and speak to her elders so that they can sort the matter out and sit with this guy and talk that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable. she did the same and he started behaving. i dont know if it was realising that he was wrong or whether he got scared that this girl can call people who wil keep an eye on him but any how he started behaving. they are mashallah happily married for 10 yrs now.

    i have seen a lot of domestic voilence at home. iam not married this my own family iam talking about. my father wa a very abusive man and when things went out of hand( he hit my mom very badly, she had to be taken to hospital) some elders in the family were involved but they were from my dads side they just advised my mom to learn to live withthe situation . and things just went back to square one . shouting, beating, simple things like why are you wearinga red bangle not green!

    the only difference i found between my friends story and my moms was that she got elders involved at a much earlier stage and elders who were talking to her husband telling him that he needs to mend his ways.

    you need to involve someone reliable , someone that can talk to your husband or someone that your husband is likely to listen. i know people say go to your local imam. i personally if i had a problem will not go to an imam, a because i will feel that iam talking to a stranger , secondly i really dont know how much to trust the knowledge of imam ( this is just my opinion , i listen to khutbas in my local mosque and iam highly umimpressed by their language and depth of subject matter)

    may Allah protect you and give ease in your matter. inshallah


  2. -Mashallah sister you seem very patient and just 21. My advice to you is just keep praying to Allah and he will inshallah help you,guide you.. make things more easier for you. However if it does continue don't endure it.. you can leave him he is meant to treat you well as a wife honour you and respect you. you deserve better.

    -if he is has had 2 failed marriages in the pasts then why didn't you ask his previous wives why they divorced him?

  3. As salamu alaykum, Sister Taffia,

    Your fears are right, your little son is absorving all his father´s wrong doings subconsciously and later on in life you will have to deal with this, Allah(swt) forbids it. Insha´Allah, you will find a way to help your husband before it is too late for all of you.

    What you are doing is right, the solution is to keep quiet when they are having a violent episode, the problem is that this situations normally have the tendency to scalate and as the days pass because you don´t answer back, Allah(swt) forbids, he will be more and more agressive with the most minimun things and the peak of all of this can be physical aggression.

    Behind all this situation is a lack of communication, he is not used to talk about his problems and he carries a knot that he doesn´t know how to deal with it, there are some tips that our beloved Prophet(saw) gave us to encourage good character on us, I will share it with you and, insha´Allah, some of them can help you to make a difference in your life.

    """Good character, protect ourselves from the terrible disease of rage. According to the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, we have six easy ways to safeguard ourselves:
    1. Be humble in all our actions and speech, and avoid arrogance.
    2. Always make excuses for others and pardon their mistakes and shortcomings.
    3. Be optimistic and see the good in things instead of focusing on the faults of others.
    4. Sincerely seek refuge with Allah when angered (read the tawwudh).
    5. Immediately make wudhu and pray a Sunnah prayer when angered. Remember that water extinguishes fire.
    6. If angry and in a discussion, sit down to make your point. If even then you are furious, then lay down. Rest, slow down and make dhikr.
    7. God has made the acts of controlling one’s anger and pardoning others key characteristics of those who have God-consciousness and piety (taqwa). It is by these characteristics that we are guaranteed Heaven
    8. “Indeed knowledge comes through studying and learning, and forbearance comes by disciplining oneself.” (Albani’s Authentic Compilation, 2328).
    9. Forbearance is a characteristic which is perfectly personified by The Merciful Himself. He has inspired us with innate knowledge of our purpose in life and reinforced that with many signs as to His existence and bounties upon us. To top all of that off, He sent us prophets with a message and proof. After all of that, we are ungrateful and persistently disobedient; yet God does not immediately destroy us. Instead He continues to surround us with His bounties and favors and leaves the door wide open for those who would repent. When we go to Him and repent, He will accept us and erase all of our past iniquity. We must do everything we can to embody these divine characteristics, as that is why God reveals them to us. Forbearance is a subdivision of mercy and our Prophet ﷺ said, “God will not be merciful to those who are not merciful with people
    10. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has taught us some strategies for dealing with anger. For example, he said:
    11. “I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: ‘I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan’ then all his anger will go away.” [Al-Bukhari; Vol. 4, No. 502]
    12. And he said,
    13. “Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4766]
    14. Abu Dharr narrated: The Apostle of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said to us: “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4764]
    15. In another hadith, the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said:
    16. “If one of you becomes angry then he should be silent.”
    17. Narrated ‘Abdur Rahman bin Abi Bakra: Abu Bakr wrote to his son who was in Sijistan: Do not judge between two persons when you are angry, for I heard the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, saying: “A judge should not judge between two persons while he is in an angry mood.”

    -----My sweet sister, insha´Allah your example and good doing will help to sprout the seeds of love and respect that you have sown. Be patience, sweet and loving, your sweetness will insha´Allah, shape your son´s heart but never doubt on be firm and straight when needed.

    -----Related to your husband let him know with a very gentle voice when he is hurting you, don´t fight back but teach him to respect you and don´t call you names. Try to have always in your mouth and thought, Bismillah, Alhamdulillah, Masha´Allah, ....and talk to him about the Names of Allah(swt) and His Attributes, ayats from the Quran, here and there, if this disturbs him too much, read it and recite it to your son.

    -----When you feel too disturbed by his attitude, recite from Heart, ayat al Kursi and look for refuge in Allah(swt).
    -----Please, if in any time you feel this is too much or that you cannot handle his attitude, or that he goes worse, look for help, family first.

    Allah(swt) knows best.


  4. Mashallah sister maria said most of what I wanted to say.
    You didn’t say whether he prays? Or reads the quran? – praying and reading quran may simply solve the problem.
    Also, causing separation between a husband and wife is considered a great achievement by the devils, point 14 by maria above, “13. “Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4766]”

    This informs you of the cause and the cure. The whisper of the devil and how to cure it, your husband should try and remain in a state of wudhu. This may help.

    Remembrance of Allah should keep him calm and help him see the goodness in you. Anger is a sign of weakness, try playing quran in the house when he is there, this should help remove the whispers of the devil and might cause him to relinquish his anger, at which point it maybe a good idea for you to talk to him about remembering Allah during the day to keep the devils whispers away, and maybe ask him why he is always angry?

    Also, is he stil angry after having eaten, the saying” the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” couldn’t be more true.

    May Allah give him guidance and make this easy for you.

  5. Asalaam alaikum,

    Insha'allah, the advice above will help you. I give this part to help you and your husband begin to control his anger management issues. I want you to read this advice I gave to a brother about a similar topic, as much of the advice is the same. However, I will make a few additions to your case.

    As I advised, it's important that you convey to him, through a honest and gentle conversation. The best times are when the day is over, he is at home and calm and you can pull him aside for a heart to heart talk. Whether you find yourself on the sofa or on your bed, dim the lights, sit beside him and start to gently stroke his hands, making small circles in his palm and using firm pressure. Push his fingers out with yours' and work your way up his wrist and arms giving broad strokes here by going up and down. If he tries to take over, tell him to be patient and let you control everything. He will think this will lead to sex, but try to keep him in check. Squeeze his shoulders, kiss them and go farther to his neck for a slight massage, circle past his ears with your fingertips and finally to his temples. Kiss him there. Kiss him on the temples again asking, "Isn't this nice?"

    Make your way to the back of his neck, using your fingernails to stroke him here, then with your fingertips with slight firm pressure against the base of his skull stroke him here over and over again for a nice massage. This area is the base of our nerve center, where our brain stem and spine connect called the olmalgaldya. It's a great place to relieve his stress, but also a huge turn on area because of the nerves, so be careful that is doesn't go too far ahead of talking to him.

    Tell him that you understand how hard his work is and how much you appreciate everything he does for you and the children. Tell him that he's a good provider and harp on his qualities for a bit, but keep your focus and don't let him take over. Add that you don't want anyone else, that you are fortunate to have him and that you love him. Ask him if he loves you.

    Say, "When you're kind to me, gentle with me and speak to me like you really love me, this is how you make me feel: cared for. But darling.....(pause and let a warm breath fall on his neck) I need to say something that is deeply killing my heart and makes me NOT want to do things like this for you."

    This is the crucial moment where you CANNOT go on a rant, but you must also control the conversation and it requires two things: calmly saying what you need to and continue stroking him softly. Use light kisses and if he tries to speak, glide your fingers over his lips to quiet him saying, "Shhh...please. Let me speak baby, please." Don't always stare into his eyes, as he will see this as confrontational, but as a woman, you know how to use your glances to your advantage and you'll know how to better control the tempo, so I'll leave the rest of the physical aspect with you.

    Be honest, yet careful with your words. Do not be afraid to cry or get emotional, but keep the skin contact with him. Converse slowly, catch your breath when you need to and tell him how it hurts to be screamed at like a child. Say things like, "I'm your wife, I want you to treat me as your long awaited love. The woman you dreamed of and desired when you were all alone. The woman you prayed to Allah (swt) to bring you. Laugh with me, speak beautifully to me, please.....darling please....I need this, I want this....I so desperately want this from you. I need you to stop hurting me. It goes to my heart and it tears me down from the inside. It kills makes me cry and it makes me feel lonely and sad."

    Add or take away whatever else to the conversation that you need to.

    Then after telling him your feelings, turn the conversation to you both united against this world. Say, "Look baby, this world is a mean, cold and cruel place. Out there they will hurt you and me. On our own we cannot make it, but together, safe in our home that you give us, this is our refuge, our safety net. Don't let that hell outside make its' way into our home with harsh words in here. Please.....that world wants to tear you up. Don't let them get to you. If it was me all alone, they'll destroy me too, but here, side by side, as husband and wife, as partners brought together by God, we can make this home our little heaven."

    Again, add what's right for you.

    If you find yourself crying at this time, place your head on his chest and hopefully, this will melt his heart. I want to stress that this isn't a rehearsal I'm giving you, but a guideline to go by. I write it in such detail for the sake of everyone here, because sometimes we are lost for words and maybe this will help other, Insha’allah.

    I pray that he doesn't get upset, but that's why I want you to approach him at the end of the day, when he is tired and more reflective. If this conversation turns out for the best, take him to bed and make passionate and sweet love. I'll refrain on making a detailed suggestion report here, though. 🙂

    The next morning, after prayer, have more love making, if possible. Dare I say it, oral sex, especially. If there's not enough time, give him many kisses, wrap your arms around him while he is getting ready, take the time to stroke his naked back, buttocks and privates, and remind him how much you love him and how you want him to remember you all day.

    It'll be nice if you have a new picture of you and the kids to put in his wallet (give him a new one every 4-6 months). And make it the screensaver for his phone, too. Remind him that he isn't walking out there alone, but you are with him in his heart against that hard world out there. Kiss him good bye, whisper how much you loved last night and that you want to make love again when he gets home later. Keep your word.

    Text him ever so often with words of praise, especially around lunch time and call him. Tell him how much you love him, whisper sweet nothings, etc. Make an effort to laugh with him, remind him how much you love him and how proud you are of him. Listen to his complaints about work and encourage him. Never side with his employer.

    It's important to have you own words of endearment for each other. I've heard some quirky ones, but whatever is special for you two, keep them private. Also, don't be bashful about praising the parts of his body you like, his love making and telling him how it makes you feel. When he says something good, tell him you love him for being so nice. Tell him his kind words make you feel loved, etc. If you feel like it, add some seductive words akin to phone sex.

    Essentially, all this is so that you're making him reverse the outlook of his day. He need to change his thinking towards the idea that what he saved his energy, positive outlets and eagerness for, is for coming home. Men think that their energy is supposed to be expended during the day at work, but it's to be carefully distributed and to be used primarily when they get home. It's completely different to Western thinking, but this is what Islam teaches us.

    Before he reaches home, send him a text reminding him to leave that brutal world outside. That you have clean clothes for him and a hot bath ready so that he can relax. Tell your daughter to warmly greet her father home with a big hug and kiss. Tell him you can't wait till he gets home. Buy him special clothes that you like, satin shirts, soft cotton, etc., so that he changes in to them and you enjoy what he wears and how he looks. Buy him a facial cleanser, too. It really removes that greasy feeling that pollutes our pores and will make him feel refreshed. Also, pick a body spray, aftershave, deodorant and/or cologne that you love to smell on him and lay all this out for him when he arrives.

    Have some fresh fruit cut and ready for him to eat, and cook his favorite meals. Make a habit of looking amazing when he gets home wearing nice clothes, smelling great, high heels only for the home and nice hair, if you do not do so already. When he is stunned, say, "This is what you get when you leave that world out there and are really nice to me. This is what you and I deserve. And besides, it's for later, too."

    I know some women might think this is too much reference on copulation, but that's what a husband and wife should look forward to. There is a hadith that the pinnacle of love making is akin to the greatest feeling of being in Heaven and we take that for granted. It's also a way to totally turn his life around from how he is looking at it. Right now, he lets the world gets the best of him and gives you the leftovers. We should always do the opposite. The home life is too important and the "rat race" comes a far second, third or fourth. Men and women forget this.

    This will not stop at one day. It's a reminder to us all that we do this when we get married and shun how the modern world has turned us against each other in the home. Our best manners, attributes and love should always be present, but the greatest part of us is for our homes and the people we share our lives with.

    Remember that everyday is an opportunity to fall in love madly, truly and deeply. Make him aware of that, live it and don’t forget it.

    I hope this is helpful to you. By the way, I didn't write what happens if this doesn't work out, on purpose. I don't want you to think that way. You, as his wife, his woman and his lover have such a great role and influence in his life. You should be the center of his love and you can be. Remove the world from his eyes and place yourself into his focus. And yes, sometimes it's with you being completely naked, but he'll love it and so should you.

    May Allah (swt) bless you with the tenderness from your husband that you deserve. May Allah (swt) bless your husband with understanding and patience. May you two always be in love and reunite in paradi

    • Sorry, I forgot to correct the reference to the nerve center as the base of the skull where it meets the spine as part of the brain stem, as it is called the "medulla oblongata."

    • As salamu alaykum, Professor X,

      Masha´Allah, I like your comment, but just one thing I don´t agree, I hope you don´t mind, it is related to the way you see this world, as a mean, cold and cruel place; I understand that you say it for this context but knowing the consequences of a limiting, negative sentence i have the need of sharing this with you.

      The world that we live in should be an expansion of ourself, with this I mean, we have to be able with Allah(swt) help and will to improve ourselves and as a projection of it will be our family, friends, community, .......and all of this within our human limits, but to see the world as hell will push you to act in consequence with your thoughts, this is a limiting, negative thought and when in fact, for some the world is hell, for others the family is hell, for others their work, for others their own being, .... but we have to go above this and acknowledge that we can, insha´Allah, work to put great distance between hell and us, our family, our friends, our work, our community,......isn´t this a different way of seeing it.

      Your home will be your paradise, but the outside world can be a paradise too where you share your blessing with other human beings, that will do the same with you, insha´Allah.

      Allah(swt) knows best.

      María Editor

      • Walaikum salaam,

        It's good to see you again, Sister Maria.

        I agree to a certain extent with your perspective, but my context goes a bit also to the Western way of thinking wherein consumption, being a "wage slave" and "clock puncher" is the only thing that is rewarded or seen as of value in the materialistic society. This is what I believe that the husband has fallen victim to and he needs to be taken out from the Shaytanic influence.

        Your outlook is in line with what scholars speculate about this world: that it is one of seven of Allah's (swt) blessings to us. The other six await for us in His paradise. I do believe this and yet,.....there's also a hadith that says for the true believer, this temporary abode is a prison. I think you understand this too, but it's all a balance in the end as we circumnavigate our lives unfolding in this world.

        Islam is sometimes about seeing the world in moderation, neither relying on one extreme or its' opposite. The world is not everything, but it is also more than nothing. It's our attempt to live it within Allah's (swt) moderation for us within our Islamic lives.

        It's a very interesting topic to discuss and I think we could talk about it in great detail. Living it however, it the greatest challenge.

        Insha'allah, we'll all get there.

        • Salam, Brother Professor X,

          To bring to consciousness the fact of "material consented unconscious slavery" it is good, but to work to live and bring the bread to the house it is a duty and a blessing and dignifies a person, we have to be thankful for it. I always remember a person that had cancer and was dying, everytime when saw someone on the family going to work, said:"Alhamdulillah, you can go to work", there are different ways of looking at the same, when something it is not appropiate, or it is a hidden shaytanic influence, we should pray Allah(swt) to show us the light of the situation, what it is possitive about it, what we need to learn from it, and if it is just to wake up and take consciousness of it, Alhamdulillah, if it is so negative that we feel the need of moving in other direction, then pray to Allah(swt) to find an alternative way and be our best ourselves while we are on the way to what is best for us, insha´Allah, this way we will get it. We need to learn to see the same situations from different perspectives, this will nurture us inmensely, insha´Allah.

          Do you think that we could make the best of ourselves in the Hereafter, if we haven´t trained ourselves to be our best in this life and this world? This world is what we have to learn and develop ourselves as 100% spiritual beings but living 100 % as physical beings, isn´t this an amazing blessing? Could you think on a better blessing than being alive and have the opportunity of being the best in this world and life to be able to be your best in the Hereafter?

          Islam it is for me moderation in all senses, teaches us the right balance between the physical life and the spiritual life, touching all aspects of physical and spiritual life, absolutely nothing is left on a side, masha´Allah. I haven´t find till now any other way of living this life that could be so balanced, Alhamdulillah. And everyday, I discover something new, Alhamdulillah, as you said wisely, living it, it is the challenge, Alhamdulillah.


          • I think the discussion actually goes further because what we are seeing is a society built from within and from without of a state of living that is unsustainable and harmful to the people and environment around us. What we should be grateful for are the alternatives to pursue that way of life that is Islamically better in getting away from the lifestyle that is currently throwing the world into chaos.

            I often speak to several people who echo the same sentiment in wherein they work for company that is harmful to the world, but they don't see another way for them to make a living. My suggestion is for them to reassess what they believe their life should be. Is it the pursuit of a suburban house, a job and a new car to make your life easier and acceptable to the society that has indoctrinated you with this idea? Or is it to seek a balance in your means of living according to the needs of your life and the society that you should not contribute to its' demise.

            What sense is a new car if it only brings debt, environmental pollution and is a means of exploiting the world's resources and its' people, for example? Even in this small case, we see people who grow upset and angry at themselves either for being part and partial to this or by being involved within the trappings of this, i.e. paying high costs of fuel, traffic jams, noise pollution, etc. So the thought process of getting away from this "hell" is to reform our way of thought by saying, "what if I stopped getting involved in the rat race and start living a more holistic lifestyle.

            I'm not daydreaming that we all go back to the lives of the Native Americans, but we can draw a comparison in how they balanced their lives with the world around them: only taking what they needed and not harming the world in the process. I was just reading a few weeks ago how one lady left her Hollywood lifestyle as a young woman to live on a boat and $12k a year. Granted her life is vastly different that what the world is accustomed to, but it's one example of living a happy and quite envious life, wherein her work is subservient to her rather than the other way around.

            Many people are looking at alternative means of powering their home, throwing away the television sets, cancelling their cable, etc. Some of this comes out of financial necessity, but it also brings a more calm and stable equilibrium to their life. The noise is gone, the bills are lower, they feel they are contributing something instead of taking something from the Earth. All this is a means of turning our lives into a positive presence on Earth rather than a negative one.

            Some people may move their work to a home office, may start riding mopeds, motorcycles or bicycles to work. They don't see a need for a huge backyard they don't use and instead buy a more cozy and cheaper home where they get to know their neighbors more closely or may head for the hills for solace and peace.

            As a Western society, we are fooling ourselves into thinking that we can endlessly consume the world around us and it not have an impact like melting polar ice caps which cause droughts in American and Australia, and famine in places like Africa and spreading to parts of the Middle East. I was reading an article a few months ago about how water may be the next great series of wars the powerful countries start fighting over. All of this comes from the scientific community that has been tracking these developments.

            So this 'hell' is a self made prison, predicated on the fact that we follow an ideal made on television and sold to us by a hype machine in power 24/7. The causes of this come in all forms, and in this case, may be plaguing the husband here. It is not simply enough to say these days, "Thank God you have a job, but instead, thank God you have a job that is a blessing to the world," whether that be in some form of environmental, social or organizational group that is trying to make the world a better place.

            Working for an oil company may be a halal ways to make a living, for example. Yet, the average worker is fully aware that wars are being led for that oil, that land is being stolen in Latin America and Africa to drill for it, that oil spills are killing marine life and burning a hole in the ozone layer, and we all still sit in traffic on highways that were raised while killing the green pastures that were once there.

            How we live is just as important as to why we live. The roots of our societies are being turned upside down in this new century. The causes are all over the place and what is happening, is that now more than ever, people are victimized every day through it on a global scale.

            This is the base for my concern and how it affects the individual who is unable to remove themselves away from that world while causing harm to their family.

            Last example: I knew someone who turned down a management offer a few years ago. He would have received $5-7k a year more. He turned it down, because he felt that the stress wasn't worth it. He saw no need for the extra money in his life as he began living more simply and lightly. He moved away from the need to "possess more stuff" and sold much of his belongings. I talked to him recently and he confirms that his life is better than it ever was before.

            The idea is not to consume, but to reform how he lived. This reformation leads to serenity.

          • As salamu alaykum, Brother Professor X,

            Yes, as almost always, I agree with you and I thank you for this comment, certainly you are giving excellent lessons here, in essence, a simple, healthy life brings serenity, while we don´t become obsessed by it.

            Your friend has all my respect, because he knew his limits and what it is really important, masha´Allah, that is a very wise attitude in life.


  6. Assalamoalaikum.i have been married for 13 yrs MASHALLAH and have 3 husband is very nice caring and loving.but in times of anger he gets abusive, says bad words,uses words that he knows would pinch me.the minutest of things invokes anger in him.i try to end the argument by saying sorry to him even if it is not my fault,but even that does not help.i keep quiet to avoid more argument but he does not stop.he keeps on asking questions like"why did this happen?" ,"what did u mean by saying this??,etc.if i try to keep quiet or keep saying sorry to end an argument,it does not help.he just does not want to end it.he wants me to cut a sorry figure,to be apologetic all the times.but then again even that is not acceptable to him.he says he is tired of listening to all of this. i am very depressed of all this. pls tell me what to do?

    • guriya, read the answers given on the post. I would add that if your strategy of constantly apologizing is obviously not working, so why do you keep doing it? Why don't you speak up and defend yourself? Tell your husband to stop abusing you. Tell him his conduct is wrong. Demand that he see a marriage counselor with you and take anger management classes.

      Wael Editor

  7. My husband is same with your husband

  8. For the above problem what is the solution

  9. Ring the police it is against the law to hit someone just because you are angry, it is against Islamic law and Uk law. Wake up and read the Quran it clearly states do not be a doormat for a bully to walk over and abuse as and when "he" feels like it. As for stroking his hand and the massage are you lot for real? When anyone assaults you the right thing to is seek justice not brush it under the carpet and whisper sweet nothings. For God sake where are the women with dignity and self worth?? Islam values women - if a woman hit a man the man would Not stoke and caress her- he would probably run for the hills and describe her as a say a phyco and leave. And if a man who is twice the size and stronger than a woman even has the face to hit a woman , he is known as - a coward and a bully, the police should be involved. Controlling men use violence as a way to control -domestic violence is against the law and against islamic law. Do not make excuses what is wrong is wrong stop idolising bad behaviour and moralizing it.

  10. Wow sister mashaAllah..I truly understand. You know what..I have the simplest of all solutions: just go get yourself a bluetooth noise cancelling headphone. Arguing won't stop. Defending won't stop. Nothing would. But you can choose not to listen to his abusive words. So just put the headphones underneath your hijab. It improved his behaviour because he felt lucky getting a woman so unaffected, he eventually gave up because you are not "feeding" his ego. Try it.

    • I don't think labelling this as an "ego" thing is a solution, men with ego problems should not use violence full stop. And by " ignoring" a man who abuses his position as a husband is certainly not the solution here. The problem is the violent spouse and their toxic behaviour.
      By ignoring a child when he or she does something wrong may work and may well be a solution for a toddler, . But this is a full grown man we are talking about - women should not be forced to ignore a full grown man having a violent temper tantrum, whereby the woman could be seriously hurt physically and mentally and the children end up severely damaged by witnessing this toxic and dangerous behaviour, whereby the children may even imitate this behaviour themselves when they mature.
      Any men who hit women should be warned then punished as this behaviour does not improve by being ignorant about the matter.
      Unfortunately in some cultures and various households some men as children are not taught the correct islamic etiquette or respect, and boundaries are not put in place and bad behaviour is often learnt and mirrored by these men at an early age.
      This type of character is rarely likely to change unless "they" (the abusers) want to change. Therefore it needs to be addressed directly which is why Allah (swt) offers the last solution of divorce.
      If the man is so toxic and has even gone as far to injure the wife or children involved then authorities should be informed.
      Abuse is not acceptable in any form, and violence is extremely dangerous especially where children are involved.
      Cycles form and the corruption easily rubs off to the children and they then mirror this and so on. This then leads to generation after generation learning toxic behaviour and ultimately copying unislamic ways.

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