Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I explain this to my son?

mum and baby
As salaamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barkatuhu

I hereby question you regarding parenting.

I'm a single parent. A Muslim single mom.

My husband was abusive and never did anything right with the marriage or with his responsibility. It was always a one sided thing for him. Though I stayed with him for a very short period. And within which I even became a mom.

I was always single. From the childs birth to his first year. And my family which was watching it all asked me to take a decision else he would either kill me or my kid. And the decision was to leave. As many attempts of ours in trying to make him understand his role failed. Even the mufti that came in between to keep the relation strong asked me finally to take a very hard decision of leaving my husband.

And I did. Allah knows why. But I have a son.

And he is not even 2 years.

He has no idea that his dad and his family abandoned us both only when the question of maintenance came up in the Islamic court.

How do I make this whole episode transparent to my son? I could have complained to the police and got me justice. But I left it for Allah's court of law.

By asking for a khula. I know I made my son an orphan. But I had no choice. My life was miserable with him. I want to know if any parent has been in a similar situation and has had difficulties conveying it to the kid when he/ she grows. My son is growing looking at all his cousins playing with their dad's. And I know for sure that he misses that part.

I single handedly would want to bring him up without any interference of the society. Such that he doesn't know that missing him is the best I could offer than ask him to grow around abuses.

Is this unlawful to think of? Cos I feel every male would try hurting him; so I trust none for his upbringing.

My parents are looking for remarriage for me. But there no guys want my hand just because I own a son. How ridiculous can a society be?

He on the other hand has made public profiles on matrimonial sites saying he is unmarried and issue less.

How hard can someone's heart be?

And no matter come what may I shall never let my son and his confidence in me weak. I need no husband; but a father for him is what I always ask for from Allah too.

I just wanted to know if this is equally wrong. Cos I feel every male has ego tied to them for which it's difficult for them to digest that the kid is innocent!



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4 Responses »

  1. Dear Assalaamualykum my dear sister.
    I am in the same situation. Will await for replies, as also require advice. Everything does not go according to how we want or plan it to be. The only solution would be is to turn to our Maker and make things easy for us and our children not growing up with a stigma and loss of self confidence.

  2. I appreciate you for being a strong woman that you are. Read more about psychological impact on children who grow up without a father. Do more research, make wise decisions , Insha Allah things will take a good direction

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    From what you've written about your husband, it sounds like you did the right thing in divorcing him, for you and your son. Nobody should have to stay in an abusive marriage, and no child should have to face growing up in an abusive household.

    You write that you have made your son an orphan - no you haven't. Your son has a brave and strong parent who loves and cares for him... You.

    Children are perceptive and you're right that your son will notice that his family (i.e. you and him) isn't the same as some other families. But maybe he could join in with his cousins when they play with their dads, or you could play some of those games with him? Maybe ask one of his cousin's parents for advice on how to play the games they play - as your son's still young, I'd imagine he isn't likely to be wanting to play anything that would be too physically demanding for you, inshAllah.

    A male role model is important for a child - this doesn't have to be their biological father, though. If you have male family members nearby, inshAllah they can take on some of this role just by spending time around your son and providing positive examples of how men should behave. As your son gets older, you could look into classes at your local mosque or community centre, after-school clubs, sports activities, etc, as ways of ensuring there are further positive male figures in your son's life. If you marry again, marry a good man who can also be a positive figure for your son.

    There are various books you can get which help in explaining to children why they live in a single parent family, including books for you and books for children to read. You may find it helpful to look at these in your local bookstore or library, or through an online retailer (eg. search "divorce books for children"), to inshAllah find some which you think would suit your personality and your son's stage of development.

    When your son starts attending nursery and school, it might also be helpful to talk with his teachers about this. They will have encountered many children whose parents have divorced and will have experience in helping children explore their feelings about it, as well as inshAllah having knowledge about local resources which might be helpful such as reliable after-school clubs.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Salaams dear, am also exactly in same situation with 2 year old but I waited for my husband to change for 4 years . Now I am alone with my son. My parents also wants me to marry but I am concerned about my son so much.

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