Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I get out of this?

Assalam o Alikum,

I was in a relationship with a boy who was my class fellow in university. we had been friends initially but later he proposed me and I agreed. for 3 years (until we completed our studies) we remained very close to each other. we had a very good understanding. After finishing our university he immediately talked to his parents and they sent the marriage proposal to us.

Now the problem was my parents were a bit confused in taking their decision, as the boy was in Pakistan and I have brought up and lived in GCC Country. They always felt that going back to Pakistan and staying in a joint family will not be an easy option for me.

Now it was 3 years passed and the boy still waited for a positive response, meanwhile, I was trying my best to persuade my parents for him and that I will live happily with him. I rejected to the marriage proposals that came to me so that my parents can understand what I wanted.

My family even visited his family but kept on taking more time to come to a final conclusion. And all this time I felt tortured because I faced pressure from both sides (from my family and his side).

Then gradually things changed. His family started to pressure him for marriage, he used to get upset but we could not do anything about it. Then one day we both had a fight regarding the same matter and in that fight, I told him that my parents are not willing and he can marry whoever girl his parents will find for him. I never knew that this would be our last conversation, and I never meant to say that. Then we did not talk for around 20 to 25 days.

During this 25 days, i made Istekhara and prayed a lot, and kept on convincing my family about him. Suddenly, I didn't know how things changed and my parents said that they will accept the proposal. I was very happy after hearing this (I can't even explain the intensity of my happiness).

But when I contacted him, and he told that it is too late now and he was engaged to a girl. (It was not a proper engagement but just a consent between their families).

I tried my best to convince him to come back, but he said that it will affect his parent's honor, as they gave a word to the girls family. He even tried to talk to his parents but they refused. Even my mother called them but they apologized that they have made the engagement to another girl.

At first, he said that he is not happy but for his parent's sake, he is not taking any stand. We have cut all the ties then but still, it was getting difficult for me to let go the 6 years relation and to move forward.

I have started to pray regular (even before I did prayers but not regularly), I have got more close to Allah Allhamdullilah. But it is getting very difficult to forget him.

I texted him few times just to know if he can change his mind.

I feel that I won't trust anyone and get into any relationship now. I genuinely loved that guy, but I was not strong enough to take stand for him, but I constantly tried. I keep on asking him to come back, but he is not willing at any cost (because maybe now he is happy with engagement), and he even told me in clear words that he will not come back and I should move on. It's just 2 and a half months that we have broken up, but he is happy now MashaAllah. I pray for his happiness but I still cannot stop thinking about him.

Throughout this relation, i prayed istikhara and regularly made dua for our betterment, then why did it go so long? I have a guilt feeling that maybe if I could have pushed my parents hard then things might have been different. I am 26 years old now and feel hopeless to engaging in any other relation.

Please advice how should I get out of this.?

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , ,

25 Responses »

  1. Salaam alaikum
    Save yourself.
    Dont chase the duniya. Its hard. But all you will end up with is regret.
    I speak from experience. No boy is worth it. No love in this duniya is worth it.
    You think you love his so much? Imagine how Allah swt loves you.

    • WalikumSallam,

      Thank you for the reply.

      I am much better now and have accepted this Allhamdullilah.
      Surely, Allah loves me a lot so he has planned this for me.

      Keep me in prayers, JazakAllah.

      Regards

      FS

  2. Assalaamualaykum Sister FS,

    You write:

    Throughout this relation, I prayed istikhara and regularly made dua for our betterment...

    Perhaps, Allah is answering your dua! You prayed for your betterments, and Allah knows that this engagement of his is better for him and that something else is better for you...you have only to be patient and you will see Allah's beautiful plan for you.

    Hugs,

    Nor

    • WalikumSallam Nor,

      Thank you for your reply dear.
      I do believe that it happened for the betterment, but it was so sudden that it took time for me to accept.
      I am much better now Allhamdullilah. We are still in contact with each other, but I have accepted this fact that we cannot be together. He will be getting married to that girl in December IA.

      Sometimes I do feel stressed, but then I try to stay strong.
      Keep me in your prayers.

      Warm Regards

      FS

  3. assalmualaikum! sorry to hear your situation.
    my condition is almost like you. families arenot accepting. but he will never betray me.
    in your case i must sas please move on n thts true two family ego destroyed a relrelationship.
    since he doesn't care about this relationship, u shouldn't think about it anymore. i know its hard. for this situation you should think practically and be a little selfish.
    and 20/25 days without talking. too much. already relationship is in bad situation. u thought he will be same, but see he already he prepared another girl. how can you trust him. its better he is gone. u deserve better. i fightrd with my bf and angrily told " ypu are out of my life". he such a stupid crush his car on road and hospital. aftr that i never say anyanyth like this.
    u move on dear. u deserve better.
    m 25.n u only 26.. i can understand your condition. get over. try.

    • HI Sheny,

      Thank you for reply.

      Yes dear, I know i should move on. Bit if I were on his place, I would have never done this.
      Anyways, this is life and we cannot stop for anyone.

      I would advise you that take a stand for that guy if you really want to get married to him. Try to convince your parents.
      Do as mush istikhara as you can, and leave everything to Allah.

      I hope you both get married soon IA 🙂

      Regards,

      FS

  4. Salam yes parents our right...life goes on and repent...because intermingling is haram ..so that was a lesson to learn..make salutal tauba astg.. we must learn deen properly in order to get the real success in both of the world's...you must understand this...ulema have studied there whole life to guide others ...other wise this world will be destroyed. The whole universe is sustained by this kalimah who our on the lups of the true believers..my sister the degree will only take you upto the grave but it will have nooo value!

    • Hi Raul,

      Thank you for reply.

      I appreciate and understand your point of view.

      I dont think it is not allowed in Islam to like someone for the intention of marriage.
      Our intentions were clear, and our families were involved.. but it was not destined to happen.

      I do pray Istaghfar as mush as I can.

      Regards,

      FS

      • HELLO.
        i just want to say something that might help.
        Now you already know you need to move on. It will be hard in the beginning but you will be fine

        Last ramadan i discovered my gf was talking to another man when i was planning on getting my dad involved ( my mother had already talked to her). I asked her to leave him but she did not

        I was devastated and i had to leave her . I remember how hard it was. I used to offer 2 rakat nafil salah daily to get past the pain. I used to punch walls yell in the washroom
        But after around 8 months of struggle i eventually felt that i did not feel anything anymore. I did not even hate her. I felt Allah told me "the bond that was holding you back has broken now"

        Im relieved and free now.She came back and begged me to marry her but i now know the world is full of much better people

        The point is get a hold of your heart Allah will help you.thanks

        • Hi Thai,

          Your reply is what exactly i wanted to hear.
          I am trying to stay strong.

          I want to ask something, you both were in contact during these 8 months?
          How did you managed to change your feelings towards her?

          Because for me, I still have feelings for him, which I want to stop.
          I will still text him sometimes and he would response in a good manner. But I do not want to continue this, actually I dont even want to think of him.

          Could you help with this?

          Thanks & Regards,
          FS

          • Sister why do you still text him , this is not forgetting him . He has moved on so for your sake and his , stop texting him .
            You cannot get strong if you are still in contact with him , so you are all strong for sometime then you guys text each other, he already has his life planned out but you go to square one .
            Stop this circle , as hard it is and as easy for all of us to say , move on .
            You want him coming back to you begging or you want to move on ? Decide and move your life or else you will be stuck with it forever
            P.s: 26 is a good age so dont worry about age at all. Pray tahajjud daily so that may Allah bless you with a pious husband good in both worlds for you instead of wasting /draining your emotions going in circle with the guy who is already committed to someone else !!!!
            Ask yourself what advise would you have given if your sister was in same position , keep texting or instead make your connection with Allah strong and ask Him to bless you

          • Salam alaikum dear sister FS.

            Im happy you left a response, and i just read your post again to understand better, what you are going through. I will try my best to help you by telling you how i moved on. please keep reading.

            in my case, the girl betrayed me, the very same girl who would tell me she loved me, and ask me to marry her, who had already talked to my mother twice, and i made her talk to my beloved niece, i always thought she was part of family. When i caught her spending time with another guy, and asked her where i stand< She simply said" this guy loves me, and dont tell me what to do, as you are not my husband" . I tried to talk to this guy, but he had no idea this girl was already with me, and she had played well.. anyhow, it was devastating. I stopped eating, i would sleep all the time, i would ask my mum " is there anything wrong with me, how can someone leave me like that" .. i lost my confidence,my ability to trust people. I felt extremely insulted, my mother liked this girl, and when she saw me hurting, she said she is having pain in her heart..

            However i kept my faith strong. I thanked Allah for showing me how bad this person was, and as i have already mentioned, I started to pray 2 rakat nafil salah, as soon as i woke up, with the intention that Allah helps me get past the day, I would ocassionally yell, and drive rashly, i used to punch things, so that my fists hurt, not the heart. I repented for loving someone so much, and forgetting Allah. it hurt so much.

            She contacted me after 2 months, i felt so weak, i would hold onto my phone all day just waiting for her messages. I tried to reconcile , but i got to know that she was still in contact with that guy. I noticed my own behaviour, on how dependant i had become on her. I felt ashamed. I noticed it was partly because i was lonely, i was scared of facing some problems,i had little to no friends, my business had failed, and i had abondoned my studies.I had let her control me, and my world revolved around her, Because talking to her would temporaririly help me escape my problems. ( It wasnt only emotions)
            she eventually changed her number, and deleted social acounts, and dissappeared for 6 months.

            I knew i had to get busy, and fix my life first, I continued my studies, took my university admision again, made lots of friends, studied hard, met new people, started to face my fears and problems. I joined a public speaking class, and i noticed how well i speak. I got a lot of attention from the opposite gender, and i met amazing new people. Who had moral values, and who werent treachourous
            I also joined self defence training, and started to learn about brazilian jijitsue . I absolutely loved it, and this helped me regain my confidence.My trainer became my best friend, and i would eventually talk to him about the girl, when i would miss her, he was a great listener Alhamdulilah, and he would say Allah saved u , would advise me to find a "replacement" .. I knew i wasnt ready for another relationship, and i knew i had to make Allah my priority

            All this time, i also read alot of Islamic quotes. Like one scholars says, "whats meant to come to you shall come to you, and whats not destined for you, shall not reach you even though it may be between your lips" .. Allah also promises something better, if something is taken from you.Also, a shaykh says everyt worldly love gives you pain, so Only Love and trust Allah. I started to realize this was a gift from Allah. Our marriage would have been a disaster, and i started to think more logically . I also saw dreams, where i saw Both my and her family fighting, and i knew these dreams were from Allah, and He had saved me from a massive catostrophe.
            I started to focus on our difference. There was a major difference in our Religious beliefs, and I was a sunni, and she happened to have deviant beliefs(we often argued). She had mental health issues and would see psychiatrists often. Her family was violent and her dad had spent time in jail, she had diabetes, and she also had problems and said the chances of her becoming a mother were bleak. Previously ii was accepting her with all the baggage, because i thought love was what mattered, but when i come to think of it, we marry to have a peaceful and healthy relationship, not a constant battle. I know now, that love would not have been enough. We were not compatible.

            You know what the secret is. Allah will help you get over him, when You are happy with the fate HE has deciced for you. And eventually, I promise you you will thank Him, because He has something better in store for you. But this will take time. And yes, you must cut off contact ,When i would see this girl i would start to feel things again.
            Also, i focused on improving my spirituality . I would pray, and recite astaghfar and Durood sharif in abundance. this helped alot.

            Again, i would say try to be happy with what Allah has destined for you. and You will be fine.. I hope this helps, and il end this By blesed words of a Scholar i read ..who says If you had perfect knowledge, perfect ilm about future and past, and the ability to decide your own fate, you would choose for yourself, what Allah has already preordained for you .. Stay Blessed

      • It's haraam even with good intentions. You had 6 years of haraam life style .Repent and acknowledge your sins .
        We see many posts here people with good intentions ended up in zina.

        • Hi Thai,

          Thank you for sharing your story. This is inspiring, within a short time you have developed the love for Allah, and ignored all haram things Allhamdullilah.

          I really try to keep myself busy, like I do a job of 9 hrs (spending my whole day at the office). I read books and listen to Mufti Menk lectures.

          I really really want to remove him from my heart, I want to turn to Allah, but whenever I try to stay firm in my decision something will drag me back to that unpleasant feeling of being rejected by the one whom I once thought would be my husband.

          I text him because I feel good and I completely agree it is wrong. He talks to me in a good way. He always says that this all happened from Allah and that we should accept it. He even tells that he still has feelings for me but he cannot do anything.

          I used to be a very good girl, I care for others and respect my parents. Throughout my college and university life, I have got several proposals, but I never went for that. I don't understand how this all started between us, and then why I had to suffer (why not him).

          I pray 5 times a day, I do recite durood sharif. I read Quran on Friday, I pray to Allah to make me forget him and to remove all feelings for him. I don't know why it's not working for me.

          Its 4 months now since we broke up, but I am still struggling.

          Regards,
          FS

          • Hello sister FS. Thankyou for leting us have an insight again.
            One thing i noticed is, is that you said you broke up 4 months ago ,but technically you havent left him , so you are still together. You said you feel good talking to him because he is nice. I want you to evaluate your feelings. Is it really love? Or u just want to feel good. You know, i read in a famous book that love may only last for a max of 2 years in a relationship. Do you think you are unnecessarily pushing yourself, now that he has decided he wants to spend his life with someone else.
            I know someone who has stayed with a guy even after he married another girl, for 10 years ..
            She has ruined her life, she may think she is still in love, but from an outsiders point of view, she is disrespecting herself by clinging onto a married manwith kids, just coz they were in love once.
            She refused potential proposals, and her parents cry for her, as they are very old.
            Sister, dont be like that girl. Dont u feel shes stupid. That guy left her, married someone else, has a girl(a wife) by her side all the time, has kids with her, and yet keeps the first girl tagged along telling her he still loves her etc.
            In all honesty this guy isnt doing you a favour by talking nicely to you, knowing that now hes with someone else. Maybe he wants to see for a few years if his marriage works with this new girl, and if he is happier with her. If he feels the marriage is not going as good, he always has you waiting for him. do you still want to be a second option for this guy, knowing that you are a beautiful young girl, just 26, who can find another absolutely amazing man.no right?
            Also, as you said he talks nicely to you. Its always easy to talk nicely to a girl, when there is no comitment, but often men change after they get married, because thats where you see the hidden colors.
            As i mentioned earlier, focus on the differences. There must be a reason your parents werent convinced the first time around, or family had problems. Im sure you KNOW why things werent working out beteeen families, your logical side of the brain knows what problems couldve been there if you guys got married, and why your parents werent accepting him, and why they thought they can find a better suitor for you. But your emotions quickly take over and dont let you think rationally. I believe you know all the answers.we all do. We have a slight idea why Allah did not unite us, but we bring our ego in between, not trusting our own Lord and his Qadr.
            I may be wrong, but thats how i think and it helps me

            You also mentioned why this isnt happening to him and only you?
            I believe you must not wait for him now, and go for potential proposals. Start looking seriously into new options. You think this would be selfish? WHO CARES? That guy will move on, have kids, will laugh and enjoy with his new family. You deserve this too, so start thinking rationally

            If my comments were offensive i apologize . I have the best intentions and duas.regards

          • I WANTED TO ADD :

            To be able to understand Allah"s wisdom, and be satisfied with the fate He decided for you, we must start to purify ourself. We must constantly try to bring our ego down(the nafs that incites us to evil)

            You see, we all make mistakes. You said you were a good girl once, with a good heart. I was a very good and pious person too, but we have spent years in a relationship, disobeying Allah. Now we need to move in the "reverse" direction, and find our spiritual origin, and be the clean souls that we once were. THATS how we unite with Allah, and start to be happy with Him and His Qadr.
            Masha Allah, you already pray, recite Quran and durood sharif. What can help you more is when you start serving and helping the poor. That is not only by giving alms from a distance. Can you cook meals once a weak, and go out yourself with a family member and distribute food to the needy? This way you will directly get duas from them. Or can you help one homeless family build a home?

            I believe feeding people helps the most, as it is considered a highly rewarding act in Ahadith. And when you go out, sit with the poor, and listen to their problems, it not only helps you become more thankful for your blessings, it also helps you bring your ego down. And once you remove influence by the ego, and shaytan on the the heart, you will automatically start to feel closeness to Allah. It is mostly our own egos that keep us from Allah, like in my example, i had become full of myself. "My dinner" "my looks. " "my house" " my feelings" " my hapiness" .. i feel this is tantamount to taking our own egos as our god. once we stop focusing so much on ourselves, we start worshiping Almighty Allah and start being good to His creatures. We start seeing things more clearly. We start looking after others again and tending for their needs. Just as you said you would look after everyone once, and were such a good person. Im sure you are still, but we need to reach our full potential.hope this makes sense.

            ALSO, dont take a passive approach to all this, you must literally ATTACK your hurt feelings, feelings of rejection and breakup. You need to actively find some way to eliminate these feelings or mitigate theit effect, whenever you feel them
            I know this is hard, but if you dont take action, and let these feelings get the better of you, these feelings of inadequacy may linger on for years,
            Destroying years of your youth which could be spent in worship, and fun with family and friends etc

            And one more thing, you said "why isnt this happening to him" .. and we all feel this way. We want the person to go through what we go through
            You know when this girl left me, i took this as a challenge. I was hurt and vengeful. But i never took any "revenge" . I thought the best way to get equal would be to remove all my feelings for her and the quicker i do it; the sooner i will "win" .. because see sister, once this man is out of your heart, YOU ARE FREE ...the chains holding you back will break, and suddenly you would feel he is just like everyother man, and no one special. Eventually you will find better people . Would you not love this freedom? We were created to worship Allah, why are we letting one, weak, creature hold us back for years and years, the very same weak creature who cant even fully look after himself/herself.
            Why not fill our heart with Allah who is full of Perfection, Our Lord never lets us down
            And in my case, that girl recently came back and begged for forgiveness and wanted to start things again. But i wasnt feeling much,and when i saw how i had none of those clingy dependant feelings, i felt so powerful. Like a king.. you know why this happened,? Because i had startrd to bow down my head before the real KING , Allah.

          • I talked to a shaykh from egypt, he said reciting Quran not only gives you rewards, it also has a purifying effect on our hearts and souls. So i congratulate you, for you are on the right direction as u recite quran

            As for durood sharif, i have listened to many imminent scholars from around the world, and i got to know that there are many many blessings and secrets in reciting durood sharif.
            Allah has himself ordered us to send salutations on the Prophet alaihi salam.

            Almighty Allah says: "Surely Allah and His Angels send blessings on the Holy Prophet (Sall Allahu ‘alaihi wa Salim). O you who believe! Send Blessings (Durood) and Salutations (Salaams) on the Prophet with worthy Salutation". (Surah al-Ahzab: 56)

            Did u notice that Allah HIMSELF is sending blessings on the prophet alaihi salam. And is inturn asking us to do the same.

            And our salah is incomplete if we do not send blessings on the prophet (durood e ibrahim)

            Often people on this website look for wazaifs for their problems, and shaykhs say durood sharif has inmense spiritual benefits, and carry cure for all problems.

            Depression sets in when we want something for ourselves and Allah wants something else
            Shaykh Muhammad Alyaqoubi , former imam of ummayad masjid, damascus, syria says those who recite durood sharif in abundance are ALWAYS HAPPY. He has videos in english on the subject and highly recommend you those.
            What i understood with my experience , is that, the recitation of durood sharif helps cure the spiritual diseases in our heart, and burns all the little things we are focusing on unnecessarily, until our hearts automatically start to yearn for Allah.

            When we praise the prophet alaihi salam, his family and companions by reciting the durood sharif, we are inturn praising Allah for creating them, and for sending the Prophet alaihi salam to us, with the clear message.
            We are also implying that we are satisfied and happy with Allah, and when we do so, He takes away our troubles, and gives us more peace, hapiness and calm in our lives

    • That is very inspiring, brother Thai.
      I was reading your story and it was very beautiful.

      I love the way that Allah made you forget the one you thought you loved to turn to HIM - the one who loves us. SubhanAllah! Truly Allah works in mysterious ways!

      Tell us - have you met a beautiful sister now? And made her your wife?

      • Thankyou for reading my story and finding it inspiring sister ruby

        Im currently doing my masters working part time for the government. Im not earning much, but as soon as i find a better job, il take things forward

        I knew girls from my university but i talked very professionally with them. I dont have the heart to get into a relationship again that might not lead to nikkah. I cant take chances now
        Il persue marriage through the "correct" chanel now . we have family friends we know for 50 plus years they are polite and religious and il look into their family insha Allah

        As For sister FS, id like to add that you need to stay busy. dont stay in bed, start cleaning your room. Focus on excercise keep.pets

        I have pet goats, and a new baby male goat was born recently, and i spend some of my time with pets, i notice how naughty the baby male goat is even though hes an infant, he keeps chasing after the female goat.
        I also spend alot of time with my family after the breakup now, i express alot of love to my mother, i hug kids of the family, long hugs.
        Also i read often, on anything and everything from relationships to leadership and empathy
        Also, i make sure i learn something new about the deen DAILY.
        I try to listen to shaykh muhammad al yaqoubi of syria, or shaykh habib al jifri of yemen, and feel at peace.
        I have tried to serve people in religious gatherings, even if it may be to offer water.
        Do some of these cool things, InshaAllah things will improve. Regards

        • Dear Brother Thai,

          Thank you once again for the long and detailed reply. I have read all your replies twice, and it is very pleasing what you have written..

          My parents rejected the proposal initially, as they wanted me to get married in a rich and a well settled family without knowing the fact that we loved each other. I dont have any complaints against anyone. It was me who prayed to Allah to take him away if he is not good for me in this world and in akhirah.

          Now the problem is with me, I cannot accept the fact that he is gone and there is no way he could come back. I never imagined that I was such a weak girl. My family was shocked to see my condition when it all happened. I stopped eating, I was not focused at my work and used to cry whole day (even during my office hours). But, I am much much better now Allhamdullilah as compared to the one I was 2 months back.

          Maybe I dont like changes in my life and that is why I still text him (in a friendly way) to maintain that routine that used to be earlier.

          Also, I have a guilt feeling that I could have changed things, I could have forced my parents. These thoughts make me feel worse.

          I completely agree that girl did a wrong thing by ruining her life for the guy who got married and had kids. I dont have such intentions, its just that I need some more time to come out of this. I make dua constantly to remove all feelings for him from my heart.

          I had written this post in February, which was a very hard time for me. Now Allhamdullilah Ramadan is coming, so I will indulge myself in more Ibadat and will completely stop contacting him (InshaAllah). I am also planning to go for Omrah during the last ten days of Ramadan InshaAllah, so I feel this will help me to forget him.

          • Alhamdulilah since february you have moved on and progressed and you are showing signs of accepting what has happened.
            I believe you are not a weak person to react the way you did, but infact you show how loving and compassionate you are and that makes a human beautiful.
            You said you dont like change and thats right many of us dont like sudden changes, but i want you to accept this that you had beautiful memories and you learnt alot from the other person, but now its time to move forward . I thank that girl in my heart that i learned so much when i was with her, became expressive, loving, mentally and emotionally mature,
            and when things went downhill in my relationship, i learned to be patient and also courageous, to face all the negative aspects. I believe when i get married to another person in the future, i will enter that relationship as a better man, and i wont make mistakes that i made previously, i believe experience always helps you in relationships.

            As for the guilt, you tried EVERYTHING sister. These things are not timing differences or coincedences, this was just meant to happen. If he was meant to be your spouse,things would have worked out even if the world had torn apart. You must have certainity and yaqeen in faith

            As for the financial status difference, thats not a small issue. Often women from a high economic status enter marriages with a guy who is from a lower financial class, believing that love is what matters and that they can bear evertything etc by supporting him financially etc. Im sure there must be happy marriages, but il tell you a story of a girl i know
            So this girl went against her parents, refused the financially stable proposal and instead got married to a poorer guy, just because he was goodlooking and she thought attraction and love mattered most.
            3 years into the marriage, she has 2 kids, she absolutely hates her husband, and is stuck. You know why? Because she didnt marry the guy only, she got married to a "FAMILY" who had a complete different lifestyle and thinking and mindset. They believed women need to clean and sweep and clean washrooms all the time,and men would not help. The husband thought the girl needs to make hot rotis for the men of the family, and all the while they had dinner, she had no right to sit with them and eat, she had to keep running and bring in more freshly cooked hot rotis. The mother in law would brainwash her son to beat his wife and he would,also because thats what people in his "neighbourhood" did .. you see, the residential location mattered too.
            As for the girl, she was highly educated whereas he was not. All her life, she saw servants cleaning and cooking for her at her parents house, and now even in both her pregnancies, she had to work all the time in the house, she even worked part -time at an office, but still couldnt afford domestic help, because suddenly her husband decided he would bring his divorced sister in the house and her 4 kids and support them. therefore you can imagine what happened with the household finances.
            after 3 years of marriage, the husband was also trying to payoff the loan he had taken to arrange his valima.
            I just want you to look at this aspect too.
            This guy would also become insecure because of his wife"s education and higher income. The very same goodlooking charming loving person he was before marriage turned into a nightmare. Your story must be different but have you thought off all the possibilities

            As for umrah, im so happy you are going there. All the places in the blessed lands are sacred, but i would like you to please visit "riaz al janah" in madina munawara, masjid nabwi. As you would already know, its part of janah as per ahadith and i always found my prayers get answered there

            Regards

  5. You got the result,sister chatting with non mehram is haram whatever people says it's and the result are obvious.

  6. Salam,

    I recommend you stick with the truth in your life as this will help you grow and avoid situations that could've been avoided. This guy wanted to marry you for three years and then sent a proposal for another 3 years. Your family has been sitting on this proposal for three years and he hasn't married in that time. That's a long time to wait for someone to say yes. By that time his family knows that your family is reluctant to say yes and the only thing holding him to you is that you want to marry him. For you to say this:

    "I told him that my parents are not willing and he can marry whoever girl his parents will find for him."

    That's it. Now he has both your family and you giving up, so then why would he wait? In fact you're encouraging him to go ahead and marry someone else. His parents must feel that your family is so unsure about him. Would you want your son to wait three years to get a yes from a family? And for that yes to come after the girl tells him to move on and marry someone else? You wouldn't right? Even if you then cancel the engagement with the girl and the family you've said yes to, what guarantee would you have that the family that didn't say yes for three long years wouldn't switch back to a no? It would not make any sense to cancel without heavy investment from the girl's family reassuring and explaining why it took them 3 years to say yes. And the thing is, it just took 25 days to get a yes from a different family. I mean, that family really is interested and values their son.

    So realizing this truth, this situation was up to you and your family and had nothing to do with Allah not making it happen. Allah did not prevent this marriage, your family felt he wasn't rich enough, that you would not make it in Pakistan, and these are legitimate concerns. There are fights between social classes on how much to spend. If you haven't lived in a joint family system that may destroy the marriage as you may feel your privacy is limited to your room. But for you to say no to the guy and then ask Allah to make it happen, it's not Allah that prevented this. Allah did not fail you. You told the guy no, it's not happening, look for someone else and then you went silent for almost a month. How is he supposed to know you're even going to come back?

    This part: "I feel that I won't trust anyone and get into any relationship now" isn't valid. This guy didn't break your trust, he adamantly stayed pursuing you for three years. He didn't stop pursuing you until you told him to stop. The person who had their trust broken is this guy and his family. You have no reason to not trust someone in the future as you haven't been wronged. The fact that he won't leave his engagement speaks more to trust as he made a commitment and isn't breaking it. You would trust him less if he broke his commitment and then made one with you as he just broke a commitment.

    Moving on from this, your marriage with him may not have worked and that's ok. You can marry someone else and fall in love again and things may work out. Try your best for your part so that you don't have regrets and the part of your life you have no control over you can ask Allah. I hope things work out for you and for him. Salam.

    • I agree with most of the things M said, as it was not the guy who broke her trust and he kept coming back for three long years. M also has also nicely put light on the picture of things from the perspective of the boy's family

      However i also feel that sister FS tried her best and it was not in her hands to decide things on her own. She doesnt seem independant of her parents. She is not to be blamed as she tried everything for 3 long years.convincing parents, praying, and making the boy stay. She only asked him to leave just once, after she had put in her all. And i believe the boy made the decision to persue another family, not merely because sister FS asked him to move on, but because he was also convinced it was fruitless to try more and he knew this was the best thing to do after giving his everything for 3 years.
      Moreover, i believe FS' parents must have good grounds to make this decision for their daughter . If i was a parent, i would know everything about my daughter, her personality, her weaknesses, her strenghts, the amount of effort i put in , i her upbringing, the amount of money i spent on her education , what makes her happy. Also, parents have decades of experience and generally have more knowledge about marriages. Mothers are very intuitive and when they think something does not feel right for their children they wont let them have it.

      Having said that, i wouldnt just let any man knock on my door and take my daughter away, without i having my say. I would ideally let her marry to the boy , if i saw 80 percent longterm goodness but i would go down as low as 30 percent if i see khayr in the proposal. When the parents of FS rejected the boy for 3 long years,im sure they had many legitimate reasons to do so, and they didnot see even the minimum goodness in this decision according to their measurement threshhold. Love? Well love fades away. And very quickly in most cases

      (generally) Parents are a reflection of the mecy of Allah , and want the best for us,
      just as Allah wants the best for us. There is a famous hadith that says, pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the father.

      And i believe thats how the decision of parents and the will of Allah co-relate.

      Best of luck

    • Sallam M,

      I appreciate your response. I agree with you, he did wait for me for this long time.
      We both have made compromises for each other throughout this 6 years. This was just a part that I have mentioned.
      We had many such fights for which we stopped talking for many days (sometimes even months), but during fights also we cared for each other.

      I don’t have any bad feelings for him, but I never thought he would come up as a weak man, who would not take proper decisions and will step back if under pressure. Just to mention you that I tolerated the pressure from his side and my family for 3 continuous years, and still was firm that I will marry just this guy.

      His family did not want him to get married before his elder sister, and when she got married, they started to put pressure on him and in the same month he got committed to other girl (just because he could not handle stress from his parents). I was not a random girl in his life, at least he could have called me once before saying 'yes' to her.
      I rejected many good proposals for him, then why he could not do the same? This long commitment could not end on a single text. He could have called me or my parents, there were plenty ways.

      This part: "I feel that I won't trust anyone and get into any relationship now" reflected my feelings which I had for him. I might not be right with this statement, but this is what I felt, as if he had betrayed me.

      He started to think the other way, I used to tell him that dowry system is not allowed in Islam so do not expect me to bring anything (in a fun way), but these things mattered to him. Even he asked me once that I should bring household things to set up our new house. Also, we had very conflicting thoughts, he was a bit narrow minded, he used to tell me that your lifestyle is different from ours, and that I might not adjust with his family.
      I think all these reasons made him change his mind for me. He has got engaged to the girl from his own hometown, he might feel that she could adjust better with them.

      And yes M, I have a strong belief that it all happened because Allah wanted it to happen in such a way. I have seen many impossible things to become possible, only if it were meant to happen by Allah’s will.
      We both tried for each other, but we were not meant to get married.

      Thank you & Regards.

Leave a Response