Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I know if Allah wants me to marry him?

Been talking to a guy online from another country for almost months and he asked me to get married. He sometimes prays (gets lazy at times) but he believes in Islam. I try to get my prayers in always.

My mom is telling me to stay where I am and do not marry him and to just marry someone from where I am at because she knows that although I love this guy I will also be sad leaving here and my friends. Also, she has not met this guy and fears that he may not treat me well saying we only met online and not face to face and that he can be a different person when I really get to know him. All she knows about him is what I tell her and it has only been good things.

Because of circumstances we cannot meet face to face unless we are going to get married so meeting before we say yes is out of the question.

I am very confused and sad because I really like this guy and he seems to be a decent Muslim (the reason I was glad he asked me to marry him). I am not young and all these years it has been hard for me to find someone although Muslim guys who were handsome have asked me for marriage but for good reasons I couldn't (either they got angry easily, didn't pray, always listening to music, etc....).
I thought that if I married him and went to his country (because that's how it will have to be because of circumstances or else he would live with me anywhere) that even though I would deeply miss my friends and miss my country (my country is not the country my parents live) that I was doing the right thing because I was completing half my deen with someone who wants to live an Islamic life but as my mom does not know the guy yet nor his family and will not know unless I already leave to say yes she does not want me to get married to him because she says I will not know what I am getting myself into. Also, he would have to sponsor me and sponsorship is never 100% and so my mom is worried about that too.

She says if they could've met him and possibly family first then they could assess if he might treat me well or not but she does not want me to give up what I have and where I am happy and safe to go into something no one is sure of.

I am not sure what to do because I thought I was doing the right thing by marrying him. I thought I would be pleasing Allah Azawajal.

I am confused as to what to do. Also, I will be breaking his heart if I didn't marry him which would make me feel guilty. But as much as I would like to be his wife I am finding it extremely hard to leave where I am.

This guy isn't going to wait forever for me and so I will have to make up my mind soon. If I don't marry him I will miss him dearly and wonder if I did the right thing and also if I would find someone like him (after all it took me years to find this guy). If I say yes I will leave here to marry him then I will be moving very far away from my home and I do not know what's in store for me as I have never meet him face to face except on Skype which does not count and I have never met his family either and I will miss my friends and here a lot.

Oh yeah, and I read Istikhara twice and still not sure.


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15 Responses »

  1. AoA,

    I think you should get married him, but do not take this step alone. Your parents should be with you to take this step. Life is a blessing and we should adopt its beauties.

    Pray to Allah, make him a good guy for you, whether he is good or not at this time.

    Best Wishes

  2. Follow your mom advice in this situation. She knows much than you, and she wishes you only the good life.
    Be careful with ONLINE guys---most of them ARE NOT GOOD MEN.

    That is all---it is up to you to decide-you are the one who will either enjoy/suffer from some one whom you dont really know well.


    • true brother, in these days on-line is exploited as a biggest platform to cheat, for you sister it is just my opinion, its very good idea to involve parents of you both in the marriage process. and ask him once whether he can visit your country along with his parents, and have a talk with your parents.because when it is love i support you to merry him, but know every thing about him, and his perception on women, how your life would be as his better half, because it is your lifetime bondage with him.

      all the best sis.

  3. Dear sister
    Why are you so desperate to get married to a guy you met on line?
    Why would you marry someone who you just talk to on line without looking into their real status?
    What happens if he was already married,or if he was a pedophile,he could be a drug dealer, a murderer, a rapist anything? Why would you want to marry someone without your family knowing the background and getting to know the guy if he was a true person, if he was a good educated Muslim who could support you?

    I really think it's a crazy thing getting married to someone without proper investigation,this man is not going to be there for you for a few days, it's for the rest of your life love.
    Marriage is no game dear, it's for life.
    I don't understand why your parents would want you to get married and not be by your side. Are you studying in a country and only have a student visa? I don't get it why you are so keen to get married to someone you barely know.

    • true sister, the same thing is happening in my country India, loving some one is not at all a crime (whether law supports or not) but not letting parents to know about your marriage is very Rickey. and the points you have raised are very acceptable.

      in these days on-line is exploited as a biggest platform to cheat, for you sister it is just my opinion, its very good idea to involve parents of you both in the marriage process. and ask him once whether he can visit your country along with his parents, and have a talk with your parents.because when it is love i support you to merry him, but know every thing about him, and his perception on women, how your life would be as his better half, because it is your lifetime bondage with him.

      all the best sis.

  4. Sister Cupcake,

    The reality is, you don't know this guy. He will tell you anything he thinks you want to hear but the fact is, you have no clue who the man behind the computer screen is. I'm with your mom one hundred percent on this. Traveling to another country to marry a man you know absolutely nothing about other than what he has told you is just way too risky. You should value your life more. Traveling to another country to marry a total stranger is putting yourself in danger and in my opinion, foolish. Listen to your mom...she is right about this.


  5. A friend of mine fell in love with a guy online from her home town. He was of the same culture and religion as her. She became really close to him and fell in love. He proposed to her and she was so happy. She spent money on him and did whatever he asked her to do. they talked for over a year, until she found out he wasn't all that he portrayed to her. This is not the only friend I have that got hurt from a guy online.

    It is very easy for people online to hide things about themselves. I am not saying that he will do the same to you, but just be careful. It is one thing to get to know someone online and another in person. Have you thought about how many girls he talked to until he decided to propose to you? Has he proposed to other girls online before? If he started talking to you, dont you think he could be talking to others as well? What were his intentions when he first started talking to you? Only Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala knows his intentions. Of course you will be tempted to talk to him, but everything that may seem good to you now may in fact not be a good thing. You said the two of you have been talking for months? Dont rush into it. I know it is easy to think with your heart, but marriage is a big step in life think it through.

    • real true about on-line. you have given a great insight on on-line frauds. and it is better for her to check with her parents along with him and his parents. when it is love you can go on but if it is love through on-line please don't go blindly with out proper knowing. lets your parents and his parents get together have talk on your future as together.

  6. Dear Sister,

    It would be helpful if you name the country (without naming the city) you live in , the country the guy lives in and the country your parents live in.

    Accordingly we can assess whether he's trying to use your American/Canadian/British/Saudi etc citizenship to come to your country.

    Or the countries you are all are from have the same Islamic/western background or whether they are western and eastern countries or whether all of them are western countries or whether all of them are eastern countries.

    If you face any issues in your marriage would your parents be able to travel to the country easily to be able to come and help you.

    If you find yourself in trouble in that country will it be easier to escape from there ?

    If you don't want to name the countries, it's ok.

    I suggest you follow your mothers advise and forget about that guy. Don't worry about breaking his heart, he may have said the same wonderful things he said to you to other 10 girls he met online. You have to think about how best you can make your future peaceful so that you can concentrate on spending your life doing Ibadah.

    Make lots of Dua, I'm sure there are lots of pious muslims in the country you live in (as good muslims are everywhere). It might take time but Inshallah one day you will find a good and pious husband.

    Also, chatting with a non mehram online is haram, so please stop all contact with him.

    May Allah grant you a pious Husband.

  7. Dear sister,
    Moving to a whole new country without knowing the guy it's a very risky move.
    I have nothing against finding your true love online as I my self married someone I met online and moved to a different state to be with him, that being said I talked to his family members before I meet him, I agree there are lots of bad guys and girls online but not all are bad alhamdulillah I found an amazing husband.
    But your reality it's complete different if things don't go well you will be in a different country with maybe a completely different culture.
    If you go ahead and decide to marry him anyways make sure you have an account with enough money to either get by till you can figure something out or enough to buy you airfare back home.
    It's easy to get cough up with feelings think everything though.

  8. Assalamu alaykum sister, please dont make this mistake, dont marry him, dont ruin your dont even know him!!! i made this mistake and right now im sitting here crying, devastatedand dont know what to do!!i met him online, on a muslim marriage website.we both are also from 2diffrent countries.i thought i know him well,now after almost 8years and a almost 1year baby i dont know what to do.

    when i first met him, i didnt even know his family, i only met them after marriage.....i was away for few weeks in my country with my baby, came back last week.All this time we skyped so he could see me and my baby.i trusted him.

    today morning i found a wrapped condom in my babys bed!!!the wrapping was in one half only(a small piece, like he throw the main thing away), but i still could tell what it was and we never use this brand too.i feel sick.literally. we only had sex twice since i gave birth and thats almost one year,i am very good looking allhamdullilah and dont have any pregnancy weight at all allhamdullilah, i look just like before pregnancy allhamdullilah and take care of myself very well!!!

    He never wanted to have sex since we live together and is saying because he works so much and no time..tired...which is true but i had a feeling and now i have a prove. He never wants to have sex, is this normal????for a guy??we are 28years old!!!he wasnt like that before!!!he makes me feel bad because im the one who is asking for it and thats so weired, he always says dont worry 2mro but it never happens....its not that i just want sex but it feels like he doesnt love me anymore....if he had a medical problem i wouldnt mind at all but since he this normal??he doesnt want to have sex and says there is more in life than just having sex but then wrapped condom in my BABYS bed??!!!WT

    Also i just checked his stuff (usually never do since i trusted him 100%) and found a recipe, the last day of ramadhan, after iftari he bought a jack daniels ,coca cola and some cig, i didnt know what jack daniels is and googled it!!! its alcohol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant believe he drinks alcohol, cheats and im a dum sheep who trusted him blindly!!! i never tho he could do such a thing EVER. since his character is not like that!!?

    Now i dont know what to do, i am stuck in this country. i dont know how to ask him about the condome and tell him about the recipe i found!!! i remember that day he came home next day and called me, he said he is in the police station because of some car issues, well now i know he was all night out drinking and Allah knows what else he was doing!!! i believed him, next day he wanted us to go holidays for few days, i didnt want to but he said he thinks i would like it (guilt??) then he said we should move city start fresh ect.....i asked why, whats wrong here, he like nothing just, why not try something new!!!! i wish i never married him!!!! WHY would i leave everything and go to diffrent country for a man. i have a baby now,i need to take care of him but cant concentrate, cant think what to to ask him to see his reaction???since he will of course want to defend himself and lie....

    i want to go back to my country with my baby, i dont want to stay here with him.i dont have any money, i gave him my savings for a business and i dnt think he can give it back just yet. i need to make a plan to get out of here. but even if i go back to my country my family will be disapointed.where shall i stay!!i have nowhere to go... but there is no way i would inshALLAH ever stay with a cheater, i feel disgust, i hate him so much, how could he???thats what he texed me right now , whilst im writing this:"What shall I bring today my dear. Or are you still in a mood." how can he??so disgusting!!!today he was saying we are a little happy family!!!happy???wth??so disgust!!!what a liar, cheater, hope inshALLAH he will get the worst punishment in this world and in the next!!! i dnt know how to ask him.shall i wait few days, shall i start saving money so i can go back and ask him once im in my country....i dnt work and my baby is soon 11month old, he loves him, if he finds out i want to leave , he will for sure take my baby.

    please sister do not marry someone you dont know in person. Now days most men say alot of things online....if you are already unsure, trust me it says a also dont know his family, friends. listen to your mum, she knows best sister. please every1 who reads this make dua for me and my baby.i still cant belive it, its like this is not happening to me,he is not able to do such thing but here i am holding this piece in my hand, its real.....

    • thats what he just texed: "Why you mood off for today? What did I do to you? This is wrong?"

      How can someone be so dirty and act innocent??? such a liar!! if i didnt have this piece and the recipe in my hands i wouldnt believe it myself!!!its like im in a movie, this is not happening to me!!please everyone make dua for me and my baby....

      • I'm sorry your going through this sister!
        It's a difficult situations your in,

        First try to calm your self, I know it's hard but your baby can sense your different believe it or not..

        Next the options I see are start by trying to save money so you can move out.
        Start looking for day care and a job and you can keep your baby with both parents, it's not the baby's fault

        2. Make up an excuse to go back home, he might give you the money for airfare, your family might get disappointed but they are your family after all they will help you. to him.. Calmly ask him to be honest with you and Tell him what you found..

        Sister I will also point out that some times man don't have the urge to have sex sown times after the wife gives birth or even during birth and after.
        It is normal for some men to not have any desire it doesn't mean they are cheating!

        Please try to calm your self down.

        Inshallah you will find a way that benefits you best!

        May Allah guide you to the right path

  9. This is called the halo effect. What you did was connect with him online, Skype, etc. This is part of the process of lust. You would bet 1 million dollars that you have chemistry with him, but you don't, you only have about 40%. The worst thing you can do to yourself is have a long distance relationship with someone that lives far away and that you barely know.

    Your mother is right, you must meet a person first. You don't have a relationship and you don't love each other. You have a penpal relationship. Until you have actually met him and his family then you don't know each other. Save yourself the heartbreak. I would try to really listen to your mother. There's no guarantee that your online love will ever materialize.

    At this point, I would say you are obsessed with the notion of being in love. Find another man in the same demographics as you to marry insh'Allah and break it off with this man. Learn more about love too.

    Dear sister, please respect the process of marriage and don't despair if you feel you cannot get married at the moment or to this particular person. Allah will have someone for you. Don't lose hope thinking that you will never find the right significant other.

    Leave your affairs to Allah. What is meant to happen will happen insh'Allah and you will get rewarded for your patience.

    It took Khadija (RA) 40 years to find love. This being one of the most loving, happiest, and sacred marriages in all of human history. Do not despair. You can invoke Allah to grant you a righteous spouse.

  10. Make sure you are parents are fine with him first Salam sister make him pray and bring him closer to Allah so u and him get have Allahs blessings

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