Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I manage my wife’s bad behaviour?

angry wife

Aslam o Alaikum Brothers & Sisters.

I want to share my entire situation so that I would tell you the better question which I am suffering from. My wife was already divorced of six year relationship with her ex before I got married. She was a sterility patient and I knew this very well. Her Father & Mother are no more, her brothers & Sisters never pay attention to her because they all are still shirty on her because of her previous relation. I am 25 and she is 28 there was 3 year age difference between us. I felt a great pity for her because she had no one and I discussed with my Father & Mother about her. Firstly they warned me about so many facts which I could face later on but I ignored them and said Allah will give me reward for this inshAllah. I had very polite feelings for her so we got married.

It’s been 5 months we got married and living together with my Father but she showed her true color on us. She was very much polite before marriage but she became worse after marriage and I have been suffering from the day I got married. Maybe she does not bother all these things because she is a working lady having her own car so she thinks she is independent lady. I want to mention those points which makes me sad.

1)    She is a big liar, it’s like her habit or compulsion. She is arrogant, bumptious and immoral to everyone.
2)    She accused that my Father of trying to seduce her for a relationship.
3)    The place where I live with my Father & my wife, there some paranormal activities happened as we felt. But we got to know lately that my wife was involved in these activities. She was trying to scare my Father to make him go from that place. Maybe she wanted to live with me alone but we did not reveal this to her that we have got to know about the person who was doing that.
4)    She always misbehaves with my Father so he gets upset and tells me about her. When I ask her she behaves innocent and shows that my Father is lying to me.
5)    I always teach her when she’d do something bad to us but her non stop arguments makes me mad and I barely control myself to beat her.

My Father told me to wait for the good time and I know what he means this for. He would say me to divorce her but I do not want to do that because I still adore her so much perhaps she does not bother this thing. I became a diabetic patient and a complete crestfallen but she shows no care no sympathy.

I want to know what our Islam says in this kind of situation. Should I wait more for good time or I should divorce her for better rest & calm? Is there any limit to bear this kind of situation? Should I beat her for these acts? Does Islam allow beating wife?

I am looking forward for your response. Please tell me what I can do in the light of Islam.

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15 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    First of all, Islam totally forbids beating a wife, child, or even slave. This is not even an option for you to consider. The following hadith illustrate this point:

    (Muaviyah b. Haidah) said, "O Apostle of God! What is my duty to my wife?" He said, "That you give her to eat as you eat yourself, and clothe her as you clothe yourself; and do not slap her in the face nor abuse her, nor separate yourself from her in displeasure.

    Give your wife good counsel; and if she has goodness in her, she will soon take it, and leave off idle talking; and do not beat your noble wife like a slave.

    Muhammad said, "Beat not your wives." Then Omar came to the Rasul (Muhammad) and said, "Wives have got the upper hand from hearing this."

    If you feel that the relationship with your wife has become intolerable (and it sounds as though it has if you're considering violence as a means of managing her), then divorce is an option. The Qu'ran (2:229) says that you can "keep them with kindness, or in kindness part from them".

    To be honest, it seems possible that your wife may be suffering from a severe mental health disorder such as Bipolar. If that indeed is the case, she won't change without extensive treatment, and even then she will have to be highly motivated to stay compliant with her treatment plan. If you have diabetes, there may come a day that the progression of that disease may require you to depend on someone else (such as a spouse) to help manage your care. I would not feel confident, if I were you, that she could be someone to be trusted with that. In addition, your parents have the right to a peaceful household, so in respect for them you should consider either letting her go, or moving out of their home if you want to remain with her.

    You may still have a lot of love for this woman, but love is probably not going to be enough to conquer whatever is driving her behaviors. If you stay with her you may find yourself eventually resentful of her for these continued actions, or perhaps even crossing that line and becoming violent with her, which is a wrong against you as well as her. I personally think you are better off letting her go, and advising her to seek professional help for her patterns.

    -Amy Editor

    • Can you please give the references of the hadith you posted ? .

      • Salaams,

        the ones I copy/pasted above were summarizations from a book called The Sayings of Muhammad by Sir Abdullah Suhrawardy (1882-1935) founder of the Pan-Islamic Society of London. Some are accepted as authentic; some traced to The Prophet's companions; some are the subject of debate. You would have to do more research about the book to find out more specifics.

        I did find the exact hadith from bukhari below:

        188. Jabir ibn 'Abdullah said, "The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, advised that slaves should be well-treated. He said, 'Feed them from what you eat and clothe them from what you wear. Do not punish what Allah has created.'"

        ...There is also another hadith from Bukhari 166 which says: Laqit said, "Part of what he said is, 'Do not beat your wife as you would beat your slavegirl. When you wash your nose, snuff up water freely unless you are fasting.'"

        In another Hadith from Ayas b. Abdullah Muhammad (saws) specifically said:-

        "Do not beat Allah’s female servants (i.e women)" [Abu Da’ud, Ibn Majah]

        Even though I can't validate or invalidate the first ones I posted, clearly they do not contradict the established hadith I just put here. Thanks for the opportunity for me to do a little more research!

        -Amy Editor

        • If this is the case with the hadiths , then why the quran says otherwise ?

          • The Quran does not say otherwise. If you are referring to the verse that says, "idribuhunna", the word can have many meanings, including to separate or to travel. In fact the word "daraba" and its derivations are used in many ways in the Quran, none of them meaning "to hit" or "to beat". None of the classical scholars understood this verse to be an instruction to beat wives. It was understood in other ways.


          • I think I might need to check this with an alim .

  2. Hi, I may not be able to give good advice to you...but by imagining me being in your situation...I think you should not be angry at your maybe she loves you a lot and feels that your father may turn you against her...but by reading all the things you have said about what your wife did to your really does make you think for why did she do all those things? I think you should give your marriage a should sit down with your family and discuss everything and ask for a fresh start. However its easy said then done...if you feel that you can't confront her with all she has done as she may not accept it or another argument may break out...then maybe for about 2 months you should move out on rent to another home and see how she behaves...maybe she just wants to live alone only with you...but if you feel that this isn't an option as you may not be able to leave your farther alone...then maybe you should speak to a marriage councillor who will be able to help your marriage life...if after a year your relationship doesn't work then atleast you will know you gave it a go..and the best would be to divorce her..but this is only if you have tried everything you cam to make it work...always remember that life is very one knows about what will happen 2mro...respect your wife aswell as your matter what your wife does or say about your relatives never turn against them..especially your parents...

  3. Salam Brother

    I am not married but I have witness this sort of situation when i was living with a lot of my family. The first thing I will say is that i have a doubt that she thinks little of you or does not respect you. People always say you have to earn respect by means of respecting it might not be the case in all situations especially if you are saying she has accused your father of seducing her . I don't think she will ever go back on these words because it will make her look like a liar . In this situation I know one thing that might work the best which is to find the lesson in it and treat people close to you with dignity like your father and do the best you can with him most importantly never let him down because marriage can be arranged again not your father .
    steps to take for Brothers in similar situation most things (social) are fixable with time and practice.

    1.) Find a place to take your wife where she feels totally relaxed and calm and discuss what she wants in her life : ask yourself is that something you can give her in your head) .

    2. find another time and ask her what you want from this marriage (children , peace, etc
    ask yourself can she supply these with her in a general format no pressure.

    if you think she can give something to this relationship then work on her like anything you work on . spending
    time with her , doing something she likes and not involving her in family fights etc.

    if you know she is not ready to give you what you want then all you are doing is letting time do that work which in some cases works in some it does not . you need to ask yourself how long before i take an action to leave her in this case.

  4. i am 26 years old , i became married b efore three months.. i was working in uae , and my mother found a girl for me,, and sent her photo to me. i saw her photo and i like it. then we started talking through phone and became very day i returned to see her and i saw her,, she was not such a beauty lady in the same as photo..i became very upset and finally i decided to marry her because i thought she is a islamic girl.. after marriage i saw my wife doing her namaz on five times and i became very happy.. my wife has five sisters and two brothers.. one day we went to visit her second sisters house in another city.since that time i became very upset with her behaviour. her sister has a big son about 23 years old.he came into their house suddenly my wife became very happy and touched his hand.. i did n't mind it because i thought they are close relatives.another day we went to visit a park and i saw her sisters son touching my wife and something whispering into her ears. and also i saw it in another place also.. i am very upset with it and i want a happ life.. please helpe me please help me.. what i will do

    • Hakeem, you are making something out of nothing. It's her nephew. He is her mahrem. It's allowed for her to touch him in innocent ways. She probably thinks of him almost as her own son. But if it makes you uncomfortable then tell your wife calmly that you don't like her having physical contact with her nephew.

      If you need more advice, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael Editor

  5. my case is very close to this discussion

  6. My wife stole my sisters & mother jwellery from my fathers almiraah.
    Previously she stole my sisters atm card & widraw rs.6000. After enquiring her she admitted the sl ame in front of my parents, my younger bro & me.
    But when we talk about this matter to her family she refused & told her family that we forced her to admit the same. She is a big liar & her family is also supporting her.
    Pls advice

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